|
|
Post by Brady Brown on Dec 19, 2015 11:34:47 GMT -6
Just went through the new draft. I definitely think this is stronger, especially since you added that scene with Abby and Jace. That was seriously so much fun. The only reamining problems I still see are the disconnect in Carrie's story and the overly-long description of the places. If you can find a way to shorten those (keep them maybe 4-5 minimum) then that would really add to the overall flow. But like I've said before, the writing is fantastic. Good job! Hope to see more people checking this out  |
|
|
|
Post by Ciarán Graham on Dec 19, 2015 16:42:52 GMT -6
Just went through the new draft. I definitely think this is stronger, especially since you added that scene with Abby and Jace. That was seriously so much fun. The only remaining problems I still see are the disconnect in Carrie's story and the overly-long description of the places. If you can find a way to shorten those (keep them maybe 4-5 minimum) then that would really add to the overall flow. But like I've said before, the writing is fantastic. Good job! Hope to see more people checking this out Thanks so much Brady, I'm so glad you're continuing to come back and check up on this pitch! And another thank you for the feedback. It definitely contributed to this new draft. As I've mentioned, Carrie will be explored in more detail in episode two. I've just started breaking it down and we'll get to learn about the world of the show through her searching and interviews with the agents as Gordon starts with them. But if you think it's important to have something more for her in the pilot, just let me know and I'll try and work something in! Also, sorry for the long place descriptions, I'll try and contain myself from now on. |
|
|
|
Post by Brady Brown on Dec 19, 2015 17:38:25 GMT -6
Thanks so much Brady, I'm so glad you're continuing to come back and check up on this pitch! And another thank you for the feedback. It definitely contributed to this new draft. As I've mentioned, Carrie will be explored in more detail in episode two. I've just started breaking it down and we'll get to learn about the world of the show through her searching and interviews with the agents as Gordon starts with them. But if you think it's important to have something more for her in the pilot, just let me know and I'll try and work something in! Also, sorry for the long place descriptions, I'll try and contain myself from now on. I don't think she necessarily needs to have "more" in a sense. I think expanding on the "taco night" scene into a realization of she has no idea why she can't get any good stories or if she's even meant for this line of work or something along those lines could work really well. Just a little something that can form a better connection between her and the reader to carry over into episode 2 |
|
|
|
Post by Ciarán Graham on Dec 20, 2015 7:39:54 GMT -6
Thanks so much Brady, I'm so glad you're continuing to come back and check up on this pitch! And another thank you for the feedback. It definitely contributed to this new draft. As I've mentioned, Carrie will be explored in more detail in episode two. I've just started breaking it down and we'll get to learn about the world of the show through her searching and interviews with the agents as Gordon starts with them. But if you think it's important to have something more for her in the pilot, just let me know and I'll try and work something in! Also, sorry for the long place descriptions, I'll try and contain myself from now on. I don't think she necessarily needs to have "more" in a sense. I think expanding on the "taco night" scene into a realization of she has no idea why she can't get any good stories or if she's even meant for this line of work or something along those lines could work really well. Just a little something that can form a better connection between her and the reader to carry over into episode 2 Roger that  I'll see if I can do a quick update to add onto that scene, and maybe cut down on place descriptions. |
|
|
|
Post by Brian Melanson on Dec 20, 2015 15:22:00 GMT -6
I'm going to read the pilot tonight! So expect a review by tonight, and hopefully we can get a title soon! But can't wait to see what you have written |
|
|
|
Post by Brian Melanson on Dec 29, 2015 21:30:12 GMT -6
I HAVE FINALLY READ THIS! I wrote down a bunch of notes and about what I thought as I read. But overall, really enjoyed this pilot, just a few minor tweeks and it'll be really great! - Bold for emphasis just seems a bit off. Italics can do the trick, not a huge deal but whatever works best for you.
- Teaser was really well done. Loved how it started with a flashback with your main character at a younger stage. Makes me think that along the series we will get flashbacks more and more as the series/season goes on.
- Descriptions seem to run a bit long. Breaking them up would help make it feel more open. But other than that, really set the scene and is really well done, so kudos to you on that.
- The dialogue is really well done, I’m really like it.
- Establishing shots are not really needed (unless absolutely needed for the story itself, which I have seen you done), that’s mainly not used a lot in scripts and is something that is typically done in post for actual tv.
- Abby is an interesting character to me, I feel like I want to know more about her and see where she is going. She seems like a bit of comedic relief.
- Formatting is really well done, looks very professional. Just a few spacing issues, but that's an easy fix.
- Carrie seems out of place in this, we go from learning about time traveling criminals to Taco Night. I think you should re-think her story a bit and how she fits into all of this, because right when she comes in, it seems to stop the story dead. Maybe have her investigate more about the time cops and stuff like that, not have a scene where it’s about Tacos. Have her meet some shady gangster who has the answers she needs and have her slowly get closer to the truth. Or just introduce her later, whatever works best for your story.
- I really enjoyed this! Carrie seems to be a bit out of place for me, but other than that, I’m excited to see how you develop the characters further and how everything falls into place. You planted the necessary seeds that will start to grow later in the series and I cannot wait to see what you have planned, great job.
Can't wait to see what you have planned |
|
|
|
Post by Brian Melanson on Dec 29, 2015 21:38:17 GMT -6
Also, random title idea if you're in the need for one "Agents of Time" you don't have to go with that if you already have an idea, just thought I would give a suggestion after reading the pilot |
|
|
|
Post by Ciarán Graham on Dec 30, 2015 9:42:24 GMT -6
I HAVE FINALLY READ THIS! I wrote down a bunch of notes and about what I thought as I read. But overall, really enjoyed this pilot, just a few minor tweeks and it'll be really great! - Bold for emphasis just seems a bit off. Italics can do the trick, not a huge deal but whatever works best for you.
- Teaser was really well done. Loved how it started with a flashback with your main character at a younger stage. Makes me think that along the series we will get flashbacks more and more as the series/season goes on.
- Descriptions seem to run a bit long. Breaking them up would help make it feel more open. But other than that, really set the scene and is really well done, so kudos to you on that.
- The dialogue is really well done, I’m really like it.
- Establishing shots are not really needed (unless absolutely needed for the story itself, which I have seen you done), that’s mainly not used a lot in scripts and is something that is typically done in post for actual tv.
- Abby is an interesting character to me, I feel like I want to know more about her and see where she is going. She seems like a bit of comedic relief.
- Formatting is really well done, looks very professional. Just a few spacing issues, but that's an easy fix.
- Carrie seems out of place in this, we go from learning about time traveling criminals to Taco Night. I think you should re-think her story a bit and how she fits into all of this, because right when she comes in, it seems to stop the story dead. Maybe have her investigate more about the time cops and stuff like that, not have a scene where it’s about Tacos. Have her meet some shady gangster who has the answers she needs and have her slowly get closer to the truth. Or just introduce her later, whatever works best for your story.
- I really enjoyed this! Carrie seems to be a bit out of place for me, but other than that, I’m excited to see how you develop the characters further and how everything falls into place. You planted the necessary seeds that will start to grow later in the series and I cannot wait to see what you have planned, great job.
Can't wait to see what you have planned Thanks so much for reading Brian, glad you liked it! Happy to hear you enjoyed the teaser, we'll hopefully get to learn more about Miranda as the season progresses, mostly through Carrie and flashbacks. The bold over italics was more a case of "how the hell does this screenwriting program work? Oh, here's bold, I learnt something!", but I've since figured out italics (ONE asterisk on either side rather than two - who knew?!) and I'll be fixing that right up. I can promise that Carrie absolutely will investigate more about time cops, literally every episode EXCEPT this one XD. It just doesn't feel like it fits to me to have her in the thick of it already, like her investigating alongside our introductions to the others didn't mesh well. I have tried to look at it different ways, but it didn't really feel right to have it from the get-go. But like you said, I've tried to plant seeds, and she's in the swing of things by the end of episode two (there's a nice blend of interviews with the agents and Carrie investigating that I'm really excited about). I'll even throw in a shady gangster! I am adding to the Taco Night scene right now though, nothing revolutionary, just to give more of a sense of who she is. So, things on the agenda for draft three: shorten descriptions, cut unnecessary establishings (sorry, I've just seen them so much in scripts online), bold to italics and add to Carrie. I'll give it a bash! Thanks again for the read and the feedback Brian! EDIT: Forgot to mention I'm really liking Synthesis for a title. It kind of suits, with humans and time travel kind of melding together. Plus it sounds pretty cool. Thoughts anyone? And it just occurred to me that I could've said I wanted the Carrie story to be in the same vein as Paul Ballard in Dollhouse's first season this whole time, that just clicked. Hopefully this makes sense, because obviously everyone in the entire world has seen that show! |
|
|
|
Post by Ciarán Graham on Jan 16, 2016 13:15:29 GMT -6
UPDATED JANUARY 16TH: Added to Carrie/Lyle scene, cut down descriptions, changed bold to italics for emphasis and a few tiny tweaks here and there. Also changed title of thread to hopefully-permanent-new title, Synthesis! Enjoy! |
|
|
|
Post by Brady Brown on Jan 16, 2016 17:11:16 GMT -6
UPDATED JANUARY 16TH: Added to Carrie/Lyle scene, cut down descriptions, changed bold to italics for emphasis and a few tiny tweaks here and there. Also changed title of thread to hopefully-permanent-new title, Synthesis! Enjoy! Love the title! |
|
|
|
Post by Brian Melanson on Jan 16, 2016 20:17:46 GMT -6
UPDATED JANUARY 16TH: Added to Carrie/Lyle scene, cut down descriptions, changed bold to italics for emphasis and a few tiny tweaks here and there. Also changed title of thread to hopefully-permanent-new title, Synthesis! Enjoy! NICE TITLE! Can't wait to see the changes you made to pilot |
|
|
|
Post by Darrin McCann on Jan 31, 2016 17:53:35 GMT -6
Congratulations on the pick-up, Ciaran! Looking forward to Synthesis!
|
|
I'll see if I can do a quick update to add onto that scene, and maybe cut down on place descriptions.
