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Post by Brian Melanson on Sept 24, 2015 19:32:37 GMT -6
“News reports say it was a common cold. Others say that the vaccines they gave us as kids had weird side effects. But that’s not how it started. It started with Patient Lazarus of Project:Lazarus. It was one of the one hundred and one infected, but it was the first one to come back. The others followed soon after. The world fell apart, no one knew how to handle it. Lives were lost, communications failed, we were separated from the lives we once knew. But we have to stick together, and make choices to survive. Some good, some bad. But we’re not giving up. Humanity will fight on. If anyone is out there…please send help. We don’t know how long we will survive”
It started out like any normal day, kids went off to school, parents went off to work. Everyone lived their life as normal as they could. But when stories of shootings, and people becoming sicker and sicker, the country falls into a panic. For Julie Evans, she believed it to be just regular old virus. But when she saw it first hand, everything changed. She and many others formed a camps, in hopes to ride the whole thing out. But after losing the one place that she thought was safe, Julie and her group try to find a way to find “Safe Zone D.C”, a rumored community where there are no Infected. With a long journey ahead of them, they begin to face the hardships, and make choices that will change them as humans.
From the mind that brought you “The Path Not Taken”, comes a story about more then zombies and the people trying to survive and the tough choices they have to do to make it out alive. BEWARE — The Dead is ComingSTARRING:
 Katie Cassidy as Julie Evans Julie is not a leader. But she finds herself in a position of leading a group of survivors. Her main mission is to protect her sister from the dangers this new world has to offer, when she doesn't fully understand it herself. She takes time to think of her choices, but discovers that in order to survive, she'll have to make the wrong one.
 Brian J. Smith as Ryder Ford Former Officer of the Law, Ryder Ford is just like the average guy next door. But his one problem is, his pride. He doesn't take the time to think of his choices and just acts. He wants to ensure that his ex, Julie survives and that she'll be around when the world is back to the way it was. But could his cockiness cause him to lose his life and put those around him in danger?
 Dove Cameron as Caitlyn Evans Honor Student, Girl next door, and all around nice girl. She is sheltered from the new world she is forced to live in. With the help of her sister and her adorkable boyfriend, Lionel; Caitlyn keeps a sense of normalcy in her life while trying not to imagine what lies outside the confines of their camp.
 Colin Ford as Lionel Matterson Some would say he's a dork, but to Caitlyn, he's perfect. A guy who used to be a shut in, finds himself struggling with the loss of his parents and trying to find a way he can help out the camp in anyway. But will his love for Caitlyn get in way of some of the choices he will be forced to make?
 Sarah Paulson as Cameron Parks She lost everything. Her girlfriend, her mother, and her life. Cameron’s life is a never ending funeral as she has to live in a world where if you step outside, you could die. But with all of this, she hardened and became a strong woman, fighting against the undead. But will her risk taking put her and everyone else at risk?
 Zoe Saldana as Belle Delgado Belle was trained to never back down from a fight and to always work alone. A former Sniper for the U.S Army finds herself fighting back and trying to survive. But when she finds herself working with Ryder; she figures that sometimes working alone isn't always the best. Belle struggles with the dark past behind her and how she can fix it to survive.
 Cassidy Freeman as Elena Rhodes A former Nurse now turned Doctor. She tends to the wounded and tries to find a way to keep people from turning. With her fascination with the Zombies and how they come back, she begins her journey in hopes of finding a cure. But with this, she will have to make difficult choices going forward and have to take responsibility for her actions.
 Jorge Garcia as Benji Porter A cuddly teddy bear, believes that if he keeps spirits high, nothing will be wrong. Haunted by the day the outbreak started, he tries to move forward. But with him seeing the good in everyone and avoiding having to kill anything living, could this affect him from surviving the end of the world?
EPISODES
1x01: The World That We Used To Know (Series Premiere) ENTER INTO WORLD RULED BY THE DEAD — After a deadly virus breaks out, Julie Evans (Katie Cassidy) and her sister, Caitlyn Evans (Dove Cameron) try to escape the city of Boston in the midst of a zombie horde attack. With the aid of an old face, Ryder Ford (Brian J Smith), Julie and Caitlyn manage an escape. But an unforeseen road block causes Julie to make a life changing choice. Link: Survival 1x01
1x02: Children of the Damned THE ORPHANS WANT TO PLAY — With the camp running low on supplies, Julie and Ryder make a run into a further away town. But when they come in contact with a group of teenagers, they are faced with a threat of a biker group. Meanwhile back at camp, Caitlyn discovers that there is a thief in the midst of the camp.  1x03: Let the Wrong One InTHE DEBT MUST BE PAID — After saving a young girl from a fate worse than death, the camp comes under attack from a horde. As the Survivors try to find a way out of the camp, one of them is separated from the group and causes more problems then they expected. Meanwhile at a nearby hospital, Cassie Rhodes (Nina Dobrev) begins work on a cure. NOTES: This show is an idea I've wanted to do forever. But with "the Walking Dead" and many other countless zombie shows and movies, I felt like I couldn't quite get the right idea without copying them. But one day, I decided to combine ideas I had for multiple other shows, and readjust them for a whole new idea. While this show might seem similar to the Walking Dead in a sense of, we have to survive. This will focus on the tough choices that everyone will make in order to survive. It will also explore how others are dealing with the Apocalypse. This show is all about survival and will separate itself from other zombie shows and will be revealed in 1x03 is picked up. There are many ways I could take this show, but any kind of feedback about how to separate this from other shows/movies would be much appreciated. Everything about this show is changing and a pilot is in the works. Let me know below.
Update 11/5/15: New character bios, updated episode descriptions to give a better idea of where the series will be heading. Pilot will be up at the end of the week after edits are completed. Update 8/6/16: Cast Update. Show is now Webisode. New Pilot. New Graphics. New Episodes.
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Post by Jack Malone on Sept 25, 2015 5:12:53 GMT -6
First off, it's nice to see a well structured, well put together pitch. I definitely see a lot of thought and enthusiasm put into creating this. I understand there are shows like "The Walking Dead" and countless other zombie-centred series or films circulating today's culture, but I don't think I've seen a zombie virtual series yet so it would be refreshing to see it on theVPN. You mention that "This show is all about survival and will separate itself from other zombie shows [which] will be revealed in 1x03 if picked up." I think its important for the pilot of a show to kind of do that job in separating itself from other shows currently on the air. I mean, if you were to sell a concept in real life, I don't think you'd get away with "if you pick it up, the third episode will be where the new take on zombies can be found." I think you should incorporate whatever twist or whatever unique take you're doing in episode three into the series' very first episode. If it is what distinguishes this show from any other zombie story, then that's probably the best way to sell us on the show, you know? There's definitely a diverse range of characters, in terms of their backgrounds and personal history. I kind of hope it's more subtle than the way its been pitched. It just feels very archetypical and structured. You've got the "I'm not a leader but everyone is looking to me to lead them" type protagonist, the "girl next door," the former "party girl," the "optimist, fun-loving guy," and the "I just so happen to be a trained nurse who can help us," etc. I just think it's a bit much. I mean, it's great there's a range of different characters, but I hope the way it's written is more subtle than the archetype of character they're playing. Speaking of characters, I think there might be a few too many. I mean, this is why I prefer to comment after a pilot because you can see how it translates, but I'm just worried it's going to seem crammed, and some characters here don't seem to have a greater purpose or a perspective to add onto this "zombie apocalypse." For example, Cameron's bio is basically "she needs to adjust to the world" but so does everyone else? Caitlyn's description sounds so confusing in terms of the plot, and the synopsis of a zombie show. How can she be sheltered from it if it's the real world? I mean, I'd understand if there was some cult or something and she was sheltered from that but it's like... there's zombies out here killing people, and she's trying to "be normal?" I'm just a little confused as to what she would add to the show, and what Cameron would add. Cameron, for starters, sounds like someone that would just add to the body count by the end of the season, and Caitlyn sounds like someone who I'm surprised isn't the first wave of casualties, haha. They just don't seem as glued together and as important as the others. Nancy sounds like a great character because her personality type would create internal conflict within the group that would be interesting to see unfold. I like that she's someone who is brushing this zombie apocalypse off, you know? I also think she'd add a different perspective to the circumstances that is important in these kinds of shows. You don't always want to see a well-oiled team going "yes, all we care about is surviving and finding a safe haven." So I really appreciate that character already. I think Parker is another interesting character. I don't watch much Zombie related media having grown some fatigue from that category of tv/film too, but I don't think we see many characters dealing with things that are kind of deal breakers. What happens if someone doesn't have the medication they once had access to? What happens when people with medical conditions can't treat themselves? It's another perspective I'm excited about seeing in a show like this and I'm glad it's being addressed and tackled! The last thing -- in terms of characters -- do you necessarily need a "main cast?" Do you need an established "team" who are united together or can you have this main character on this journey, discovering as we go, meeting people as we go, and building up these connections as we go? I think The Walking Dead had this established camp from the beginning, and whenever I see recaps or pictures, or clips and trailers, it seems like there's this in-built team of characters on a similar journey. Perhaps having a smaller, or even a limited cast (think Jared and Jensen on Supernatural) could be the better approach, and be what separates this from other shows and media. I mean, I know it's about the journey not the destination, but so often shows will try to create conflict or life-threatening situations where you're just like "well, they're in the main cast, so I don't think they're going to die in two episodes" and it defeats the suspense. I just think it's something to think about and would maybe even make the pilot-writing process a lot easier because you don't have to establish all these characters, and the audience doesn't have to try and remember ten different names that host ten different back stories. Anyway, those are my thoughts. I hope they're helpful in some way. Any points of constructiveness I'm not throwing out there to say "change this" or "don't do that" or "this doesn't work" so much as I'm opening up some points of discussion. If there's a solid plan behind Cameron and Caitlyn, or if having a large cast is something you think works best for the story you want to tell, then that's totally cool and as always, I'll be awaiting the pilot! Good luck, man!  |
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Post by R.A. Picking on Sept 25, 2015 6:07:30 GMT -6
Wow. Did you say you're doing this and that the pilot episode is going to be ready before I go on vacation? Just kidding. I really think this would be awesome to see done and I hope that you actually get busy doing this. LOL.
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Post by Brady Brown on Sept 25, 2015 10:53:18 GMT -6
I've never really been able to get into zombie series, especially the Walking Dead, so I won't really have anything to compare it to in that sense. I do think the story is fine, and I think it opens the audience up to this world of infected and mayhem and travesty. One thing this did remind me of was World War Z, as you've listed Patient Z which I think could use a more original name. Also, there doesn't seem to be a clear indication of how all of these characters came together? I find it a bit coincidental, so some better explanation ont hat front would be nice. Anyway, it's clear you have a mindset for this series and a thought out plan, which is always nice to see when pitching. I need to agree with Jack and say that describing your characters as these "tropes" does not really add anything; in fact, it might take away a bit. There are countless of examples of "someone who's not a leader needs to step up to be a leader" that it would almost be more original if you made Julie an already born leader, someone who wants to take charge. Terms like "boy (girl) next door," and "party girl" don't really add anything to the description of the character. Maybe with Caitlyn for example, you could describe her as "Despite her honor student persona, she is forced by her surroundings to abandon the thought of her normal life and accept the vicious creatures she deemed fake if she wishes to survive this horrendous apocalypse," or something newer than relying on a common trope we're so exposed to. Another character that stuck out to be was Parker, who I think could have a really interesting story. My main worry is, however, the accuracy of her mental illness portrayal. I have no doubts you'll do her justice, but a lot of research should go into studying her illness before writing her. There are a lot of misrepresentations on TV and film today, so I just wanted to point this out. There also seem to be a lot of characters. I've never understood on zombie shows why there has to be this huge camp-esque team, but if you can work it out in an organic way then I'm fine with. I really hope you find a way to bring these characters together, because right now they all seem coincidentally placed together with the proper skill sets to survive (ie, leader, nurse, soldier, officer). Just another thing I noticed. Something else that stuck out was that there were a huge amount of SPAG issues. I don't like harping on those too much, but there were a lot in this pitch and I think a couple of read throughs to polish the entire thing would really make this stand out a lot more. But yeah, solid pitch. I look forward to a pilot to see how all of these characters are forced to come together |
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Post by Jamison on Sept 28, 2015 22:19:40 GMT -6
I think it's great that you got passionate about another series, and can actually do something about it since you're well ahead on your main project. Kudos to you! What's your secret!? Moving onto the actual pitch. Gotta say, I love the idea of a survival series. I'm a fan of the zombie apocalypse genre, so I'm instantly attracted to the idea, but I'm gonna have to agree with most of what Jack and Brady have already pointed out. Just going off the pitch, the series seems like it's just another one of the countless zombie series/movies that already exist. There doesn't seem to be an original hook to set this apart from the rest. There might be something in the pilot that contradicts that, but I feel like if that's so, it should definitely be made apparent in the pitch. Again, I'll have to echo what Jack and Brady have already said about your characters. I'd love to get out of this ' large camp/group' dynamic and just focus on a handful of close knit characters, all from different walks of life, working together to survive. There's always room for others to be added to that group in the future, but starting out, it'd be a little something different than what we've grown used to thanks for The Walking Dead and the like. So yeah, can't really say much else that the others haven't. Would just really like to see a fresher take on this genre. Something that really draws me in. But good luck with this, Brian. |
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Post by Jon Van Pelt on Oct 4, 2015 2:42:48 GMT -6
The pitch reminds me a lot of the Walking Dead, but then again it'll be the characters and stories that will set it apart from the other genre shows/movies.
I do think, and it's mentioned before, that you start out with too many characters. I'd rather focus on one or two leads exploring this new world.
Other than that: cool pitch!
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Post by Brian Melanson on Nov 5, 2015 17:55:42 GMT -6
PITCH HAS BEEN UPDATED! New episode synopsis's, Pilot will be up hopefully by the end of the week.
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Post by Brian Melanson on Nov 5, 2015 22:37:57 GMT -6
Hey...PSSST....Pilot is up. Give it a read. Give feedback. It's the first draft, so there are SPAG errors. But I will probably do a second draft if need be. But hope you all enjoy.
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Post by Jamison on Nov 5, 2015 22:45:39 GMT -6
*Whispers* Wrong link!  |
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Post by Brian Melanson on Nov 5, 2015 22:54:27 GMT -6
*Whispers* Wrong link! SHHHHHH SHHHHHH H HSHSHSHSHHHHHHHH fixed it |
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Post by Brian Melanson on Nov 9, 2015 22:41:52 GMT -6
11/9/15 Update: Second Draft of Pilot is now up!
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Post by Jack Malone on Nov 10, 2015 21:07:24 GMT -6
'Survival Instinct' 1x01 Review: 'The World We Used To Know' So, as you can probably tell, I gave up on studying for the day and decided to spend it on theVPN instead. I just finished the pilot for Survival Instinct and I have some mixed feelings about it. There was a lot of good mixed with a lot of things that I think could be improved on for a third draft of the pilot, and so I hope all of this feedback is constructive and helpful in taking the show forward! First up, let's talk about what worked. The character of Julie and her relationship with Ryder was probably the best thing about the pilot. You did a really good job in creating a dynamic that had a lot of history in it, and an equal amount of conflict. Julie appears to hate Ryder now, and the two of them often butt heads throughout the episode, and yet there's this underlying level of care and affection that exists in all their scenes that makes me already interested in their relationship going forward. Another thing that worked extremely well in this episode is the flashback storyline. There were all these hints peppered throughout the episode about what happened that Julie doesn't want to talk about, and all these little clues as to something terrible happening, and as the flashback storyline unfolded, we learn that Julie has a sister. Now, the great thing about this is that - in the present - Julie isn't running around with a sister by her side so you automatically become invested in this story, and you automatically want to know what happened, is she alive, is she dead, what's going on with her? You have a moment where things are almost anticlimactic, and Caitlyn suffers a Zombie bite, and you kind of piece together the rest. But then, there's that twist at the end that I think is unique to a Zombie-based series, and I commend you for it. I think it sets up a level of important between Julie and her sister, and that dynamic, and also creates an interesting plot to bring viewers back for more. Hell, I'm already wanting to see a second episode just to see more of it unfold. Now, with Zombie-based series', I feel the best conflict comes out of mankind trying to survive versus mankind going up against brain dead, flesh eating creatures. Something this pilot did really well was find conflict in one camp coming into contact with another, and setting up little thing within it that builds the world around it. I enjoyed the "skull faces" back story, and the addition of Vince, Jimmy, Kat and Sabrina. I did feel like none of them really got solidified as individual characters, and we kind of went from having two characters to follow, to then having all these others surrounding them so quickly, but I appreciated the role they had to play nonetheless. The last thing I really enjoyed in this episode was Helen in ACT ONE. She had so much personality, and felt authentic in her dialogue and was a real anchor for us, as the audience, to be guided into the story. I do think it was a bit of a coincidence that a random zombie breaks in and kills her at the end. I think it would have been a bigger moment if she blew her own brains out, or you just didn't resort to a quick zombie death, and left it with "survive," but for the most part, she was surprisingly a huge highlight to me. Unfortunately, there were quite a few things that didn't connect with me, and hopefully I can not just point them out but offer some suggestions for improvements: - The show lacks subtlety. Something that I feel will greatly help improve the show is to be less 'in your face' about everything. For example, the TEASER didn't have to show us what the zombies looked like in such an over the top fashion. Instead, you could have had George open the cupboard and from his shock, cut to Mary in the hallway, on her way to the room after George's cry of agony, or what have you, then when she opens the door, it's from her reaction that we cut to black. Suspense is so much better than showing a vicious zombie ripping someone to shreds, and to obtain it, subtlety is key. This can extend into a lot of things I found jarring. For example, we get the sense that Julie doesn't want to kill because it would make her less human, and we can gather that through action, but instead, she's saying things like "I thought we were still human" several times. Don't think the audience aren't going to understand what you're trying to do if you don't blatantly spell it out in the episode through dialogue or exposition. In scenes where Julie doesn't want to touch a gun, or shoot a man recently infected, or gets upset at Ryder doing something she would never do, we build this idea of Julie's character and understand what she's going for, and a line like, "I thought we were still human," could have so much more impact if it's used once, at the end of all this build up of actions and choices we've seen, much like seeing zombies rip someone to shreds is more rewarding after all the suspense behind it. I think you should milk things for their worth. Give us suspense. Be subtle about your choices, and your writing, and then when you want to have a full on battle against the humans and the zombies in ACT THREE/FOUR, the audience is there with you wanting to see that play out.
- The voice overs need to go. Exposition is already something that makes people cringe when it's painfully obvious, but exposition in voice overs is like getting surgery without the anaesthesia. Julie saying in a VO that she and Ryder used to date and it's complicated now makes me so mad because it's like... we could discover that through their interactions, we could pick up on that by the way they act, we could see that in the flashback storyline. Show us, don't tell us. Exposition is fine. People have found great ways to deliver exposition in stories, and it's a constant battle between trying to give the audience what they need to understand the story, and then telling a good story, and you killed it (in a good way) with the news reports, and showing all this mayhem (although you could ease off it a little bit and not go too full-on with all the murdering), and so I think, for this show, cut the VO's out. Let us figure out the history. Let us learn along the way. Trust your audience enough to go, "wait, she just said he'd choose himself over her, and that he always does that -- hang on, something is under the surface here." You don't need to preface their scenes with "we used to date, and it's complicated."
- The last issue is just in relation to dialogue, and how things sound sometimes. There are a few SPAG issues in the script, and a lot of times where question marks are used for incorrect reasons, so this will help pick up on that too, but I think what would really help is if you read your scripts out loud and back to yourself. Try and envision the scene playing out on screen, and hearing the exchange between characters. It's primarily with dialogue where I find things being repeated in an odd way, or said in a strange way, and it's throughout the entire script. When I edit my own scripts, I sit in my room like a moron and go through it, either reading it back in my head, or when I'm trying to see if the dialogue flows, is organic, isn't jarring, I'll read it out loud and it honestly helps so much. The other script-related thing is the action. While it's improved greatly, and you are seriously killing it (proud father moment), there are times when there's unnecessary add-ons that make it clunky. For example, you don't need to tell us they're running at a "fast speed," 'they're running, covered in blood and guts' is enough to give us that image. During revisions, go through the action and see if there's a shorter, more concise and to the point way of delivering the action.
All in all, this is another project of yours I truly believe in. I'm really excited for it, and while I have mixed feelings on the execution of the pilot, I hope any and all feedback I gave can help in doing a third draft for the series. I love Julie, I love her dynamic with Ryder, I love the flashbacks, and I love the plot twist at the end. Well done, buddy!
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Post by Brian Melanson on Dec 14, 2015 19:58:27 GMT -6
Update: 12/14/15: New Draft of Pilot now up.
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Post by Jack Malone on Dec 20, 2015 20:43:47 GMT -6
Survival Instinct 1x01 | 'The World We Used To Know TEASER | You already know that the teaser is a highlight for me. There's something really great about the character of Helen, and I think every series' pilot should have an opening that is indicative of what their series is about, if ever applicable. For example, this one ends with the words, "whatever you do... survive." The writing of this character, her dialogue in particular, is incredible. The interactions she shares with 'Producer' at the end, and seeing her sort of unravel from this media persona in the beginning is already nice to see. It's just a fantastic way to open the series, and open the pilot. ACT ONE | We're introduced to the main character of JULIE EVANS. From the get go, I love the description of her character in "she gives off that 'I might look weak, but I will kick your ass,' look." It's a nice statement that tells us more than what's written on the page, and I love it. It means she's fragile looking, but has a level of confidence in her ability, has inner strength, doesn't take crap, stands up for herself, and these are all traits I love in a main character. We're also introduced RYDER FORD. He's kind of portrayed as a fit, aesthetically attractive man who is written to be exhausted but also ready for war. That's a nice contrast, cause it kind of suggests that he's a character who doesn't like to let it show what he's feeling, and almost has to have this façade of being strong, and not letting things get to him. One of the immediate things with Julie's character is her refusal to use a gun. This is an interesting starting point for the character, and already gives us a nice insight into who she is. She appears to be someone who doesn't believe in taking a life, no matter what it means for this 'virus' or whatever that has created all these Zombies. She values life, and that goes hand in hand with this 'survival' idea, but it also is a conflict in contrast of it. Sometimes we have to do what's necessary to survive, and not what's good/bad, and you just know this isn't going to last in a zombie apocalypse, this notion of not killing the zombies. So it's an interesting start point for the main character. Flashbacks have been introduced in this ACT, and I think shows like 'LOST' and 'ARROW' have re-energised the use of flashbacks, and made them a tool that can really enhance a story and a character, and you seem to be doing that here, so I'm excited about them. Things that became increasingly obvious in making your own work is how much you need conflict for a scene, and a lot of the time, it it's not coming from external sources (eg. a zombie attack infringing on a set of characters), then it's perspectives. You've managed to set Julie up as a pessimist in a way, but of the more 'realistic' sense, whereas Ryder appears more optimistic, and hopeful, and that goes hand in hand with his desire to uphold a strong front, and not let anyone see through the cracks of this facade. So their conflict in what to do felt very organic, and revealed more layers of their characters that remained consistent with what we know of them so far. I'm a huge fan of the introduction of Caitlyn. For one, it adds so much to the pilot. We're 10 pages in, and you've locked the reader into staying with you until the end. Why? Because Caitlyn is in the flashbacks, but she's not there in the present. It creates this question mark of what happened, where is she, is she dead, is she missing? This is when flashbacks are great because they can build character, build suspense, enhance the story, and you're using it perfectly here. The amount of character building this scene between Julie and Ryder does in the apartment is just perfection. It's nice to see them sort of have their hopes, and wishes, but then accept this world as reality. It was also nice to see Julie unveil the whiskey, and have it provide us with more information on her past. It not only tells us that she's not the settling down type, but the fact that it was being saved for the wedding of her sister adds even more heartbreak and angst to the scenes in the present, and more mystery for wanting to know what happened to Caitlyn in the past. And I think this scene had a familiarity between Julie and Ryder. There were stolen glances, smiles here and there, some bickering, but now it's culminated in a quieter setting, and you feel like there's romance between them, and it's a subtle way of doing it. ACT TWO | The flashbacks grow more intense. It's hard to say anything more on them at this point other than they're really good. Second act in, and I'm already loving Ryder/Julie. I loved the "You said it yourself from the start, 'check every corner, we don't know what's around it.'" "You know I'm an idiot." Then he gives in, and we have "You with me?" "Til the end." I just think they have a great relationship, there's complexity there, there's a history there, and it's something I'd be interested in reading as the series progressed, and that's what a pilot should do. It should hook you into as many things as possible to keep an audience watching (in this case: reading). The introduction of PAUL lets us see into the codes and conventions of this zombie show. If you get bit, you turn, and to prevent that, you need to be put down. To have Paul connected to Julie's past only enhances the drama, enhances the conflict, and allows these clashing perspectives in Julie and Ryder to have substance, and relevance. I want to cry at "God wants me to come home. I need to see my wife again." Those lines, already they're emotional but there's just something about them being grouped together that makes me really emotional. So well done! The moment where Julie says "It just means if it comes down to me or you, you'll just choose yourself. Like you always have." I love this moment because it solidifies their history. It makes us realise that they did date, that they do share a past, and there are elements there left unfinished. At the moment, I'm getting Leia/Han vibes. Not in a copy and paste way, just in terms of dynamics. They bicker and clash, and fight, but there are feelings there, and it doesn't mean they hate each other, they're just conflicting personalities and can drive each other crazy. And then we have another flashback that ends in a shocking way. Caitlyn is bit. The thing is, it can be expected, but it's also something that you didn't want to happen. With this only being ACT TWO, you realise there's going to be more to it than just this, but that's also because I've already read the script and this is a revised version, haha! But I love it. I love how you slowly peel back layers when its more relevant to what's happening in the present, and that's how these flashbacks should work! ACT THREE | There's even more layers to the Julie/Ryder relationship being peeled back. While I'm not too sure if I like the repetition of "till the very end," as it just happened, I get what you're going for with it. I love the story about them roasting marshmellows, and I love how we're given this image of how well they know each other. It's a huge plug for me. I'm excited to see their dynamic develop. I love the flashback with Julie vowing to make sure her sister doesn't turn. It makes me want to see someone close to Ryder become infected, and see how his personal connection affects his decision with it all, considering how he's very much like, "put them down, they're a zombie now." The fact that the conflict isn't just in the zombies makes me happy. I love the introduction of the group at the end. ACT FOUR | The conflict heightens. As I've said, I enjoy the fact that it's not just humans vs zombies, it is about survival, and it's about conflicting ideas of what it takes to survive, and showing other groups out there who are just as desperate. I continue to like how different Julie and Ryder are, and the fact that we don't have two characters agreeing on everything means we don't have a boring show here. There's an idea presented in this part of the episode where Ryder asks Julie to stop thinking with her heart and start using her head. I really appreciated this moment because that really spells out the difference between them. Ryder hides what he really feels and maintains this level headed, strong-willed persona on the forefront, whereas Julie lets her emotions drive her, and make her decisions. So it was nice to see Ryder pick up on that and kind of use it as a way to strengthen Julie. The reveal with Caitlyn being in the present was so effortless and amazing. I love it. You get the sense that she's dead, that something horrible has happened all episode, and then to see her alive just adds a huge twist that makes the show really interesting. THE VERDICT | Overall, a really strong concept and idea for a zombie show. The emotional components of the series are far superior to anything else on the show, with the relationships between Ryder and Julie, and Julie and Caitlyn being personal standouts. The flashbacks are being used as a tool to peel back more layers of the characters and their history, and managed to inform scenes in the present, and aspects in the present that maintained a consistent mystery throughout and provided a real 'page turner.' The twist at the end with Caitlyn really pulls us in for wanting more, and is a rather unique twist that makes the show stand out on its own, in contrast to other zombie series. However, there were a number of problems I encountered in reading this revised draft. The most consistent problem is an indication that careful editing isn't being done with the pilot. I think if you just read back each scene, and really focused on all the critique given, you'll find these SPAG errors and be able to easily solve them. I don't want this to be a situation where you perfect a script for the pilot to be picked up, then fall back on these errors for the rest of the season, but rather gain some more experience in editing your work, and refining things, especially with this being the third series you'd have on theVPN. Despite all of this, I hope any suggestions, criticisms, and recommendations have been helpful. I really enjoyed it, and I'd love to see this join the lineup for 2016 once there has been more editing and fine tuning being done. |
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Post by Matthew James on Dec 22, 2015 13:52:22 GMT -6
So I read, the pilot, but that was the first draft a few weeks ago, and I want to go over it again tonight, and I'll leave my review. BTW here's a teaser... I loved it! Hopefully the third draft will be an even more awesome read!
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Post by Matthew James on Dec 23, 2015 0:53:25 GMT -6
REVIEW
"The World we Used to Know" Here is my review for the pilot of Survival Instinct, I rather enjoyed reading it. Particularly the first half, I found the best part of the episodes were the parts where Julie and Ryder were alone. I like that most of the episode focused on the these two (and Caitlyn). It reminded me a lot of the LOST Pilot, where the episode mostly focused on Jack, Kate and Charlie. Letting us meet the other characters during the second part of the episode. The only other camp members we meet are Cameron, and briefly Benji, which was nice. I'm looking forward to getting to see these characters a little more. I liked and disliked Julie, I didn't really get a sense that she would be a leader, I felt her views on everything slightly naive. Her actions and desire to keep her humanity in tact, set the group up for grave danger later on. Ryder was my favorite, he seems to me to be a bit of a loose cannon. He threw in a unpredictability that was a nice contrast to Julie's character. I'm also looking forward to see where you plan to take Caitlyn and her bite. One thing that wasn't made clear was whether or not bites don't turn you, or if Caitlyn specifically is immune. If it turns out to be the former and the group doesn't know but is going around killing people who get bite, seems a little out of character for Julie to allow, someone who literally brought danger into the camp (Sabrina). I also found that you used the word "Survive" a lot, I know the show is called Survival Instincts but I felt like the word could have been said like once, and people would have been like, oh my god that's the title! All in all I enjoyed it, if you keep future episodes as grounded as this one, I defiantly think that Survival Instinct could be a great addition to the line up, I've always wanted VPN to have a zombie series, and am hopeful to see this get picked up and am giving this pilot 9 out of 10. |
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Post by Brady Brown on Dec 23, 2015 17:16:32 GMT -6
REVIEW: 1.01 "The World We Used To Know"
I've read through the other reviews, and while I do agree on some points, there are some that I disagree on. I'm afraid I came out of this pilot a lot more mixed than others, so hopefully my thoughts and suggestions can offer some new insight on different way certain things may be handled and approached. That being said, let's get into it.
I do enjoy the teaser. I think it gives us a good look at how devastating the world currently is, and I think Helena is a great vehicle to convey that information to the audience through. I really liked how she broke down at the end, and even though she wasn't certain if anyone was watching, she still tried to warn them and acted almost as a beacon of hope. I agree with Jack in that killing her off doesn't feel necessary. She never needs to resurface again, but I think zombies breaking in and ripping everyone to shreds loses its effect when it happens a numerous amount of times after this moment. It's also a bit of overkill with the "the world has gone to shit" statement she makes.
From then, we meet Julie. I've got to say, her introduction really makes no sense to me. I think the statement you use for her is fine, but... she's asleep, and I don't see a that vibe being given off when she's not awake. I also just prefer character descriptions with a bit more subtly than it being spewed out. Like, what is her body posture? How does she carry herself? You mentioned her baggy eyes, but what else? Is she rough around the edges, is there a sadness in her eyes? So much more you can do that simply saying “I might look weak, but I will kick your ass," which is just incredibly hard to visualize and for an actor to portray in their character.
Ryder's introduction was a lot stronger. I liked the contrast between his facial features and his physical and muscular ones. I think, from then on, especially when they're in the streets, the dialogue is incredibly exposition heavy. It was extremely wooden and forced and did nothing else except for to inform the audience of facts that could have been integrated in a more natural way. It just seems like a conversation that should be taking place at the start of the outbreak and not 6 months into it. Along those same lines, Ryder being surprised that Julie can shoot well doesn't make sense either, especially if they've been together for so long after the outbreak, and that Julie said she learned from him. Most of what they talk about and how they act should not be happening this late into the game.
Another thing that bugged me was how late Julie and Ryder stayed away from camp. I don't know how they would not know when to leave so that they can get back before dark, and then the timelapse is really oddly placed considering it seems like a lot of time needed to pass for that to happen. These are all just actions that a "born leader" and a "ready for war cop" shouldn't be doing when they've been living this life for over 6 months. They also make really questionable decisions, such as Ryder shooting the door open to let zombies flood in.
I do like the relationship between Julie and Caitlyn, in the flashbacks especially. Julie has a real care for getting Caitlyn out alive, and that was a real highlight of the pilot.
There's also a lot of inconsistencies with Julie. She doesn't like using guns, but she'll use a machete? That's incredibly weird. I think the thought of not wanting to use guns is a nice one, but they're in the zombie apocalypse. I think this is an ideal that shouldn't be consuming her so late into it. Then she just picks it up at the end of the episode and fires like a pro? It just doesn't make sense. She seemed fine shooting it. There were no reactions from her like there needed to be if she's so determined to not fire a gun. She also makes a lot of decisions and says a lot of things that just... don't make sense for someone who should be so adept to what is happening around her. Like, when she tells Ryder that the Orphans are just kids, and what could they do to them when they're literally pointing weapons at them. She's filled with too much false hope. False hope is fine and can make for a really complex character, but she's got way too much of it.
The dialogue is extremely forced, wooden, and cliched in my opinion. I don't like the "they're coming!" and the "til the very end." It's just... it sounds so weird to me. I've never encountered anyone who talks that way and it just seems so cliche. If you're going to keep it, however, you don't need to repeat it because that's when it looses its impact. I would suggest saying things out loud, literally speak them, to see if they sound like something a person would say. I know a lot of things sound good in theory, but when you actually say them it doesn't have the same effect. I struggle with it as well, so that's why I picked up on it.
I also wasn't too keen on the scene with Paul. It was stretched out way too long, and the argument that stemmed from it between Ryder and Julie was just so weird and petty that it really took me out of the moment. Julie wanted to do it in a "cleaner way" yet she was pointing a gun at this head right before Ryder stabbed him, which seemed to be a lot cleaner than a bullet in the brain. Another moment of just clear pettiness was at the end when they were arguing about wanting to stay human. It was incredibly on the nose it and came across very cliched and wooden. I was actually confused at what they were even arguing about by the end of it. I think if you're going to stick with this "I must stay human" route, then it shouldn't be so argumentative. Julie and Ryder literally sounded like they were about to throw punches, and I think a softer approach would be better.
Now, the one moment between Julie and Ryder that I did like was the "marshmallow" scene, where Julie was talking about a past memory. That felt really natural and it really gave a sense of these two having a clear, definite past.
I also wasn't really a fan of the Orphans part of the episode. It felt like there was conflict there just to have conflict, and they all die before we even get a sense of who they are. They really don't serve a purpose besides hinting at this gang. I agree with Jack in that giving them backstory would make their characterizations a lot stronger.
Overall, I'm still incredibly mixed on this pilot. I think it really suffers from a lot of inconsistencies and feels like these characters are in this outbreak for a day rather than 6 months. The twist at the end with Caitlyn was good, but I think there are a lot of story and technical aspects that could really be improved upon. I do look forward to the next draft, because I do think this has real potential.
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Post by Brian Melanson on Dec 23, 2015 21:33:24 GMT -6
Alright! I've just read through all the reviews and I do agree with a majority with y'all have said and I'm going to be going in and fixing a lot of what has been said that could be changed/improved upon. I'm at work now so I can't mention a lot, but the Orphans are a sort of a Segway to bring in the next group that I have planned for the second episode. But it's also a device to show that, while zombies will be a threat, people will be as well. But, I am open to suggestions to see what kind of a different way I could bring that plot about Also, with Julie and Ryder being gone for a couple of days, I am changing that around and fixing a few other things such as, the encounter with Paul, the inconsistencies with Julie, which even I admit, wasn't well thought out. Also, with Julie using a machete, that is going to change, my thought process was, I didn't want Ryder to be the sole protector and gun wrangler, but I have a few ideas of how that could be changed. Thank you for all the feedback guys, I'm going to use it to my advantage to rework the pilot and give it a fresh new idea that not even I had thought of originally. |
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