|
Post by stevieg on Sept 3, 2012 8:28:16 GMT -6
Great to see this being written, as remember the first attempt you wrote of this and enjoyed it a lot elsewhere, so looking forward to this when it airs. Good luck with it, and definitely got a reader here as my type of show.
|
|
|
Post by stevieg on Mar 9, 2012 6:36:04 GMT -6
Uhhh, guys XD That wasn't the teaser to his script. That was a trailer to the two episodes. Oops. My bad. Your right, I didn't even notice said Teaser Trailer. Ignore most of what I said about cutting teaser points then ;D
|
|
|
Post by stevieg on Mar 9, 2012 4:19:25 GMT -6
OKay, just read the teaser. These are my thoughts and hope they are of some help. Just a few things I picked up on reading it First, it's an interesting opening to the show, and good in some ways as need something to draw the reader in and some of this does that - but one concern I had is their is too much happening at the start? In your scene headings, you want a gap as always a gap between words and the "-" symbol ie: EXT. UPSVILLE, WASHINGTON - SKYLINE - NIGHT I'm not sure about the '1 hour later' also, someone else may be able to comment on this one, but my thoughts are could be done as: EXT. UPSVILLE, WASHINGTON ALLEY - NIGHT (LATER) One little thing noticed in 1st page of the scene of kill. You state that the figure takes something out of "her" pocket? Now, I don't know if you want people to know this is a woman or just anyone so could change to "their" pocket so leaves a mystery if man or woman. Also could then use: "The figure points it at...." For me, I would then cut to end of teaser at start of page 4 - at end of fade to black and voice over. It leaves that air of mystery of what is happening with the screen going bright white. And then open act one with the Janice's room scene? The last only issue I would have is, their is a lot of CUT TO and FADE TO BLACK's in it. Try and cut down those as much as possible if you can to the minimum.
|
|
|
Post by stevieg on Mar 8, 2012 18:18:20 GMT -6
Love the teaser. That first line:
is a wonderful piece of script as says so much with so little words.
One thing on page 3 I may have changed, the dialogue a little. Instead of in first dialogue of male voice, I'd maybe have gone with 'CHOSEN' instead of Power Rangers name mentioned? So roughly:
MALE VOICE (V.O.) It was said that these six people, these... "chosen" for their immense strength, would be the ones to take down the Empire, which would reform around the same era.
And then in 2nd dialogue maybe drop Rangers name again and just say 'six'.
That's my suggestion as keeps mystery of the name a little still held back. Otherwise great start to the show.
|
|
|
Post by stevieg on Mar 8, 2012 6:07:28 GMT -6
Okay, thought ask in here How do you write your show/script or series? Do you write a treatment/outline for each episode and then write the script, or do you just delve right into the script and just see where it takes you? For me, I've always struggled writing a treatment/outline of the story. So far, everything I wrote has been just me sat down with a basic 1-2 lines of idea of what I want the story to tell and then just start writing. As I write, more comes to me down the avenues that open up and I go down them and write more. I have usually a basic idea of what the story is about, maybe the start and ending but everything else just comes to me as I write.
|
|
|
Post by stevieg on Mar 8, 2012 6:01:15 GMT -6
I think it's difficult following up on a successful and iconic show like Buffy.
First, at the moment their isn't a lot to go on from the pitch. Got a title, a little info and cast and a line or two about some episodes. I think needs more development before much can be decided about this idea.
I read the little teaser wrote on your site, and was alright. Only issue I got with it is, it's very similar to the opening of Buffy episode 1? Okay, you turned the ending around in yours. I think it's hard to know how to open a show sometimes.
If it's a project for College, work on it some more, see how you develop it - write more, episode guide, characters guide etc and show it here and get some more feedback on it and who knows, if comes across well I'm sure no matter what could still be accepted as a show. But from the little on it so far, I think it's hard to know what to make of it until know much more.
|
|
|
Post by stevieg on Mar 8, 2012 4:26:19 GMT -6
First thanks Aimee for the review, do really appreciate it a lot Thanks Jack also, and hopefully after your thoughts I'll comment on any issues you discover too. Okay first. Glad you enjoyed the teaser. A teaser for me should always be something interesting that has to pull the reader in, and what better way than someone being chased and attacked. The first act I saw as this is the characters, what they look like and they appear normal at first but have a hidden agenda we don't know about yet. And I needed a way for Emily to be introduced to the group - and it's no coincidence that she got a job at the diner, or that she found herself in the city also.... Emily I always visioned as this pretty, young innocent looking girl who couldn't hurt a fly - but behind it lays the curse she doesn't know about yet. And then, it's how she tries to cope with what she learns she is. I actually at first had Emma Watson as Emily but changed lately after my love for another character on another site played by AnnaSophia Robb who grew my interest in her and thought - she is actually perfect for this as she has that innocence about her look and young still. Simon was done as a little bit of interest towards Emily and conflict with his sister Bela in some form. But also, with him being human and young he's still learning about his family's past and growing. Bela, she was the first character I created in the show. And I was a fan of Michelle Ryan and wanted her to be that character as saw her in that role. Episode 2 of the show delves into Bela's history and shows several pivotel moments in her long life that influenced what she became. I always saw her a little as - a female version of Angel - someone who did a lot of damage, but searching for that hope to find peace and forgiveness. James is a douche, and I'm hoping to have him appear a little more later in series if I can as thought a nice little addition. As may have seen, the two are based on the classic Jeckyll & Hyde, but with mine instead of a monster we have two complete opposites. One's a loving old style of gentleman, and the other is a total douche who gambles, loves women and do anything to get what he wants and always ends up in trouble - which causes issues with his other who has to try and get him out of the things he drags him into. The mythology is all based as said from the Universal Monster films of 40's I really grew up on and loved a lot. I wanted them all to work together and become a team, but instead of fighting humans - protecting them from harm of other creatures, demons and whatever else. So using their cursed for the good of humanity for a change. Re: The 'ON EMILY' or similar type of writing, it is something I saw in other scripts elsewhere and kind of picked up on it. I have thought about having that and the rest of the action after it all part of the same slug action and that's a possibility I could do as also shortens the script a little so not so long. Regards the "--" yes, that is something that crept into my scripts recently for some reason. Someone also elsewhere picked me up on that too lol I recently went through this pilot again and got rid of a lot, and changed one or two little bits where I felt needed a slight jump to new action slug to just the usual "..." as reads better. The dialogue is probably my weakest area of my scripts. Sometimes I write too much, sometimes I ramble on in parts and others a bit cliche. I need to go through and see what I can do to improve this. The first montage was just a way of moving forward and seeing Emily in her first job as time passes, but I could possibly cut that and just dissolve to the next scene and show the emptiness of the diner next. The 2nd montage (party) was just a way of seeing the team look normal, partying and everything. I could try see how could change that. Maybe just a action slug of bits could work instead of a montage. Glad you liked the 3rd as that was a way I needed of moving the story forward several weeks or so until the next full moon was due to rise. Overall, I know some slight changes are needed, and was looking for good feedback on things people caught out that I didn't so your comments are a big help and moves me forward with what need to work on.
|
|
|
Post by stevieg on Mar 7, 2012 3:06:12 GMT -6
Actually, it's not too bad The clips cut together are done well. The only thing I think about it, is I'd suggest you put the names all at the bottom of the screen, not some at the top of the clips so all appear along bottom line of clips announcing star names - even if you have some in bottom left or bottom right corners, as long as across bottom of video screen. Also, the created text at end I'd put in centre of the screen and maybe hold on it for several seconds more until the sky covers 3/4 of the picture and then have it show up. That's my thoughts on it, but otherwise I think done a great job with the video.
|
|
|
Post by stevieg on Mar 6, 2012 16:11:45 GMT -6
I like it as it is I think if you try and change colouring of forum may get too bright, I do like black a lot for it. The colouring of the logo itself, hmmm, for me I prefer it as it is as it stands out a lot - almost like a flame like design on it. Be nice to hear from others on it, but me personally I'd leave it just as you got it now.
|
|
|
Post by stevieg on Mar 6, 2012 3:41:51 GMT -6
I think a new companion to accompany them for a while would be interesting. I personally don't think should introduce too early though as you need that connection slowly growing between Rose and Smith first, maybe after a few episodes, and gets dragged along into the Tardis - maybe escaping something. It could bring up a slight bit of tension then raised between the two about the new companion, Rose could be a little jealous if the new companion starts to show a bit too much fondness for Smith or push them closer together or apart - maybe on purpose in some ploy by the new companion who has secrets? Just a few ramblings there
|
|
|
Post by stevieg on Mar 6, 2012 3:35:31 GMT -6
Really great video made there Aimee, love the music and seems to fit that style of show. Nice opening credits and clips chosen also.
|
|
|
Post by stevieg on Mar 6, 2012 3:32:51 GMT -6
Love the VPN logo, that definitely should be used as seems more 'tv like' in it's appearance.
Do like that Lost in Paradise art also, although not much going on in it, it's interesting and has a little mystery to it.
|
|
|
Post by stevieg on Mar 5, 2012 17:02:01 GMT -6
The first poster is great. The 2nd I also like a lot, only thing with 2nd poster is I'm not too sure about the text of 'Franco as Walker' being so close to the picture - almost looks like it's coming out of his neck if understand what I mean?
|
|
|
Post by stevieg on Mar 4, 2012 17:06:28 GMT -6
An intriguing sci-fi show pitch and concept. It's quite different than the usual shows out there, and has a different edge to it all. A conspiracy thriller, and focused on different characters in different places but all about the same thing is something I wouldn't mind having a little read of to see how it is developed and works. A great cast also you have chosen and seems the characters are already coming along well in development. Looking forward to this when you have a go at it
|
|
|
Post by stevieg on Mar 4, 2012 16:57:42 GMT -6
I have to say I kind of like this pitch, and concept. It turns the whole 'superhero' idea kind of thing on it's head where everyone has an ability, and the ones who don't are the strangers. Totally different to the usual type of show.
I think the idea of a slight futuristic feel to it also has a great edge to the show. Has a really good cast, and wouldn't mind having a read of this when you get around to writing it.
|
|
|
Awake
Mar 4, 2012 7:13:31 GMT -6
Post by stevieg on Mar 4, 2012 7:13:31 GMT -6
When first heard about this show, I was intrigued by the idea and saw a trailer a while back and looked good. I haven't got to look at it yet, but will be giving it a chance very soon.
The one concern for me I have is that it doesn't end up being like Life on Mars, where at the end we find he's just in a coma and imagining it all. Not a fan of that show at all so hope doesn't go down that route.
|
|
|
Post by stevieg on Mar 4, 2012 6:57:32 GMT -6
Thanks Jack and Amin Appreciate the comments. All the scripts are written with a teaser, a 'quote' from the original movies I love that represents in some form the episodes, and then the rest of the episode split into 4 acts. They range from 50-60+ pages in script lengths. Glad you both loved the teaser, and hope you enjoy the rest of the script too.
|
|
|
Post by stevieg on Mar 4, 2012 5:18:22 GMT -6
Have to say it is 'The Girl In The Fireplace', a wonderfully written episode that has lots of emotions thrown into it from Tennant's side of the story.
Also enjoyed 'The Doctors Daughter' and 'The Christmas Invasion' which was Tennants first full appearance as the Doctor in a christmas special.
|
|