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Post by Tommy West on Feb 15, 2013 14:34:04 GMT -6
1x07 - "Jealousy" Review
Nice to see the tension between the friends and their rivals come to a head. Jordan is more menacing here and I was expecting him to punch Alex rather than just shake him about a bit but I'll take whatever conflict I can get! Him shutting down Angela after the 'talent' comment made me laugh even though it shouldn't have. Sure, he's an abusive dick but I can still find him funny, right?
Speaking of funny, Paula gets another brilliant moment when she 'picks up on' (because let's be honest, it was quite obvious anyway!) the tension in the room. Also, her with the car doors locked made me laugh, even if it was a bit silly and didn't totally make sense.
Nice to see another villain and unfortunately he comes off a bit playground-y like Jordan and Angela. As an adult, it would nice to see him be a bit more menacing than the duo as his voice comes off a bit 'young' right here. Still, I'm hoping that the three villains will be enough of a challenge for the heroes throughout the rest of the season.
Nice final lines of dialogue too. You've hit the dialogue mostly spot on in these last two episodes and it's only really the occasional lines from the villains or maybe Alisha that could use tightening a bit. Still, good job!
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Post by Tommy West on Feb 15, 2013 12:00:00 GMT -6
1x06 - "Commercial Success" ReviewStarting this review off with a mundane grammar comment that in-universe, isn't even a bad thing which was this line: "[...]sent in for a...Alex Berreta[...]". Technically there's nothing really wrong with it because the man didn't know the name he needed to say but my OCD winced at him saying 'a' instead of 'an'. I'm a bit silly with things like this because it doesn't matter all that much at all, but if it happens one too many times, I might end up going all Norman Bates on you!  Luckily it's followed up with a brilliant Paula line, namely the "Yes!! Yes! I mean... yes." She's so odd, I love her. All is forgiven, haha! I love her overexcited reaction to them getting the part in the commercial. She's seriously the best character in this show, she's brilliantly bonkers. I almost died when she was screaming outside the apartment and then the vomit line... Comedy gold. I picked up another SPAG error when Michael says "But I thought you wanted to be actor" which took me out of the script a bit. Every writer makes SPAG errors and doesn't spot them straight away though (and trust me, I'm particularly bad) so be sure to make sure to reread all your scripts and make sure to iron them out. I like the plot decision to have Alex against shooting the commercial, it's never a bad thing to make your lead character too pride or even a bit arrogant. It adds layers and stops Alex from becoming a boring Mary Sue-esque character so bravo for that. I think this might be my favourite episode so far so well done! I want the show to be more about this sort of stuff with them making progress and causing a little conflict in the group. I've been pretty vocal about the fact Alisha hasn't got much development yet so putting her on her own and having her at odds with Alex lets both of them shine equally. I enjoy the rivalry at the acting school but i think this stands out a bit more from the other episodes because the conflict is internal this time rather than external. I'm hoping there will be more episodes like this because it's made me excited to read on!
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Post by Tommy West on Feb 13, 2013 4:36:18 GMT -6
In case anybody missed my announcement in the chatbox here, the Award winners have now been announced! There's one special award to be given later so don't forget to sign in and check it out...
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Post by Tommy West on Feb 11, 2013 16:12:38 GMT -6
1x05 - "Improv" ReviewSorry it took so long but I'm back! Sad to say that I wasn't really enamoured with this episode for various reasons, but none of them are things you can't fix in the future. The first point is that the opening scene, whilst a little amusing, actually has no point. With such a small page limit, every scene should be vital in furthering the characters and the purpose of this scene was to set up a joke that kind of fell flat. I like Paula and her interactions with Michael but her two scenes here both seemed a little pointless and felt like a waste of her quirky, brilliant characters. My second issue is with the characters of Jordan and Angela. An issue I've brought up before is that they can come across as quite wooden and that happens here too, although they're borderline interesting as long as you play up the weird abusive relationship between them. Jordan has the potential to be a really chilling villain given the way he gets to Angela but right now they're both wasted on saying snide remarks at the leads. There didn't seem to be much plot or resolution to the episode. Whilst we get to see Alisha's fear of improv first hand and it's one I relate to as an ex-drama student who hates improv too, it's not resolved and she doesn't get any more confident. It's a bit of a shame really because this series can be good but episodes like this don't really add much and I think with a bit of tighter plotting, every episode could be a hit rather than the hit-then-miss it is in these early episodes. Every virtual series improves with time though so I'm sure things will get better. Sorry that this review is a bit of a downer but hopefully this will help you avoid these issues in the long run! 
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Post by Tommy West on Feb 10, 2013 12:59:53 GMT -6
Mine is fairly equal, I like to plan out where my characters are going and sometimes it won't make sense for them to do what I've planned so I'll have to come up with something else that fits the character better. I think sometimes it's a lot more natural to be true to the character rather than the plot you want to do, if only because that can lead to characters being horribly out of character.
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Post by Tommy West on Feb 6, 2013 18:07:40 GMT -6
Trust me, it hits you when you get up to 4! I'm writing X-Men: Rebirth eps and just going "How have there already been like forty episodes of this show?!" Webisodes move so quickly!
Planning out some stuff for Easy and my mind goes from being a soppy romantic to an evil bastard the next.
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Easy
Feb 6, 2013 3:24:12 GMT -6
Post by Tommy West on Feb 6, 2013 3:24:12 GMT -6
You're totally right, that was an error and it's all fixed up now! I'm pretty happy with how this looks right now so I'd like to put this in for submission now and hope for the best!  |
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Easy
Feb 5, 2013 19:04:16 GMT -6
Post by Tommy West on Feb 5, 2013 19:04:16 GMT -6
I got the chance to read the pilot in between my classes so I thought I would post my thoughts. Going into the script, I didn't really know what to expect. Was this series more of a drama, or more of a comedy? Now that I've read it, I can honestly say that you've found a really cozy balance of the two. I never felt the script was relying on one or the other, so that's a plus. I was definitely going for a balance between the two so I'm glad that came across! The show will have its dramatic moments but it's also going to be quite funny. I never want it to be one or the other, it can just be a healthy mix of both! The characters were easy to get attached to, especially "Chess." I think she, along with the lead, Drew, are my favorites. Their relationship is starting off in a pretty interesting way, and it can only develop and become more interesting from this point on. I'm glad you like Chess, she's a lot of fun to write and I'm hoping I get to write some more of her wackiness soon! In regards to the writing quality - I think this was a very strong script. Technically, everything I could see was pretty sound and your own unique writing style seeped through in a very cool way. Your use of voiceovers were, in my opinion, the best parts of the script. There were so many funny little nuances in the storytelling that you may not have have been able to showcase without having those internal thoughts. It really made it for me. Especially Drew calling Chess a "bitch" at one point. HAHA! Yeah, I'm really glad I included the voice-overs and they'll definitely be sticking around. The serve a good story purpose and can be used for laughs like in the bitch moment so it's a win-win! I really liked the title integration into the story, with Drew's new nickname "Mr. Easy." That was clever. I wonder if it will ever appear again. The series is all about Drew's scandalous reputation so trust me, that nickname will appear again! Overall, you've got a really solid pitch and pilot here. There were a few slip ups (at least, I thought they were slip ups. Might have been me not understanding something well enough) in the script; some use of the wrong names, but this is your first draft and it's a really good one. Just judging by how well it's written, I could definitely see "Easy" having a place here on theVPN sometime in the future. Really glad you liked the pilot! If you could point out the slip ups then I would be mucho grateful! I've been known to make a couple of errors in my scripts so I could probably do with a decent beta! What should I do about getting this on the road to pick-up? I'm very much interested in running this as a fully-fledged series here. |
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Post by Tommy West on Feb 5, 2013 17:18:01 GMT -6
We just upgraded to the new proboards version so that's probably why it kept crashing. Try again in a couple of hours, perhaps?
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Easy
Feb 5, 2013 10:38:17 GMT -6
Post by Tommy West on Feb 5, 2013 10:38:17 GMT -6
Nope, all casting ideas are good! I've wanted to use Grey Damon for a while actually so good suggestion there! I think I'll leave the casting for now but if this pitch goes any further I'll go on a real hunt for a new actor image. |
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theVPN
Feb 5, 2013 10:11:18 GMT -6
Post by Tommy West on Feb 5, 2013 10:11:18 GMT -6
Just stumbled over this and it's awesome! Great promotional tactic, Wicked Wednesdays, I'd take advantage of that and promote it like hell if I were you! |
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Easy
Feb 5, 2013 9:27:08 GMT -6
Post by Tommy West on Feb 5, 2013 9:27:08 GMT -6
Hey Alex, really glad you enjoyed the pilot! I'm a huge fan of Veronica Mars and the voice-over was inspired by both that and Awkward. I think they can be hard to pull off at times so I'm glad you felt this was used the correct way. I like using it for comedic effect and whilst it does help drive the story and explain things, I'm also gonna use it for some jokes, like when Drew calls Chess a bitch. Cordelia is my favourite Buffyverse character and I've always been a big fan of female characters who aren't afraid to speak their mind and Chess is certainly inspired by characters like Cordelia. She doesn't take any crap and she was a lot of fun to write. As far as Drew's mother is concerned, she'll appear at some point but I'm not really sure who I'll use for her yet. She's going to be a bit of a wackjob though and it'll explain just why Drew is so blunt with people. Speaking of casting, that is my only quibble, and this is personal - Matt Dallas as Isaac strikes me as too old for the role - considering all the other 'young' characters are played by actors who currently appear or are known for 'young' roles, Matt's last few roles have been more mature, case in point, "Eastwick". I just feel he's not as believable in the age range as the other actors are. Yeah, I struggled with casting for Isaac and I'll probably look at recasting him. Dallas would be good for a recurring role I have in mind anyway but I'm certainly open for suggestions for who you guys would think would play Isaac nicely. Once again, thanks for the vote of confidence! |
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Easy
Feb 4, 2013 22:05:19 GMT -6
Post by Tommy West on Feb 4, 2013 22:05:19 GMT -6
Thanks Chris, glad you like the pitch and I hope the pilot impresses you! Speaking of the pilot, I've just updated the first post to include the first draft. Constructive criticism is more than welcome, I'd rather iron out any parts you feel aren't working now then later on. Hope you all enjoy!  |
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Easy
Feb 4, 2013 17:51:39 GMT -6
Post by Tommy West on Feb 4, 2013 17:51:39 GMT -6
Thanks for checking out the pitch and taking the time to reply, guys! I understand your reservations, teen dramas aren't everybody's cup of tea but personally I've always found them enjoyable in a silly way so this for me is more about writing a guilty pleasure than something super serious which I've done elsewhere. I want to write something fun and the experience writing the pilot and plotting this series out proved that it'll be the type of thing I'll want to come back and write more of because it's fresh and different from anything else I've written before.
There haven't been many virtual series focusing on gay characters and the last one I can think of (MZPtv's Pathways) ended about six years ago so I really wanted to start a new show where they were the focus without it ever consuming their personalities. All of the guys here are gay or bi without it being the only thing about them. Sure, it causes drama for Brandon as he's in the closet but for guys like Drew, Kian and Isaac it's just another factor of their personalities rather than being everything about them. Gay stereotypes annoy me and are one of the reasons I've grown to hate Glee, so you won't see any of them here.
This would definitely push the boundaries in terms of sexual content and language but I think that it'll be for the best. Everything in the VS world is fairly 'safe' (and I use the term loosely) when it comes to language and sexuality so I think it's time there was a show that went all out and considering this is a series about horny teenagers, it's bound to get a bit dirty now and then. None of it is shocking for being shocking's sake, but rather because it benefits the story. The last thing I wanna do is force something in if it doesn't fit the feel of the show.
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Easy
Feb 4, 2013 16:14:10 GMT -6
Post by Tommy West on Feb 4, 2013 16:14:10 GMT -6
 At his last school, Drew was the most popular guy around. Openly gay, he and his boyfriend were the school’s power couple. Things went sour after his mom hooked up with her boss' son - when her boss was their next-door neighbor. It was the last straw and finally the family packed up to move houses, moving all the way to Sunset Valley, CA. Newly single and confused about where he stands, Drew finds that life at Sunset Valley High School is going to be different. Somebody at the school has it out for him and all of his secrets are coming out once at a time. Easy is a half-hour dramedy focused on the secrets and scandals of high school life in the fictional California town of Sunset Valley (also featured in my MZPtv movie Perfect and yes, the connection is intentional ), with an ensemble cast and a love quadrangle that's going to cause quite a bit of heartbreak for these characters! :: REGULAR CAST :: Drew Cunningham (Jeremy Irvine) is a boy with more secrets than he wants. Openly gay and loving it, Drew knows that he's good looking but that doesn't mean he always enjoys being around people. Quirky and perhaps even a little socially awkward, Drew has a very dry sense of humor and gets annoyed with people easily which can make befriending him quite difficult. One of the most popular guys at his last school, he finds that Sunset Valley is totally different from what he knows and ends up thrown in the deep end when one by one all of his past secrets and mistakes come back to haunt him. Drew falls in love too easy and he knows it so he's taken a vow not to get involved with anybody at his new school, a vow that obviously won't last long...  Francesca "Chess" Bell (Holland Roden) assigns herself as Drew's best friend on his very first day at Sunset Valley High and refuses to hear otherwise. More than a little outgoing, Chess is willing to take one for the team if it helps Drew fit in at the school and only wants the best for him. Naturally loyal and fun-loving, when Chess is hurt then it shows and she's known for making mistakes in her love life. Her father is the school's English teacher and is Chess' other best friend. She likes having such a close relationship with her father but on the occasion, things can become strained between them due to Chess' extreme ways of acting out and having fun.  Kian Daley (Chris Zylka) is a member of the school's football team and is openly bisexual in that order. He refuses to let his sexuality define him and has a fierce determination on the playing field that makes him a fierce opponent and one to watch out for. Off the field, he's as nice as anything and doesn't believe in the supposed school hierarchy, treating people in other cliques or even people with no other friends the same way he'd treat his teammates. Kian's not perfect though and although he tries his best to remain calm at all times, if he snaps and loses his temper then he can become your worst nightmare. A vicious and dirty fighter, Kian can have his scary moments and with his mischievous twin sister Alice whispering into his ear, he can quite often be led astray.  Brandon Pewter (Daniel Sharman) is the school's resident bad boy and makes sure everybody knows it. A heavy drinker and a bad temper compliment Brandon's good looks and muscular frame, making him more than a little imposing. Despite his reputation, Brandon's as gay as anything and but is stuck in the closet, scared of what his highly religious parents and judgmental friends might think if he was to tell them the truth.  Isaac Rutherford (Matt Dallas) is the face of the school, often proclaimed to be the most beautiful boy in town and his dreams of becoming a model are supported by almost everybody he meets. Isaac's flirtatious charm can get him out of trouble as easily as anything and the list of people with a crush on him goes on for miles. Isaac himself doesn't have any real romantic interest in anybody but he's more than willing to let friends into his bed and he's kind enough to let them stay the night too.  Mr Jonathan Bell (Lee Pace) is the school's English teacher and the father of Drew's best friend, Chess. Mr Bell takes Drew under his wing amongst the drama surrounding Drew's arrival at the school and is the sole reasonable voice of adult authority in Drew's life. Fairer than most teachers, Mr Bell only wants the best for his daughter and that doesn't always match up with what Chess wants her life to be about. :: EPISODES ::1x01: New Town, New Rules
Drew starts his new school with a bang when a tape of him sucking his ex-boyfriend off is posted by the school’s devious news blog and immediately puts him on everybody’s radar. Struggling to make any friends, Drew receives sage advice from his teacher, Mr Bell, who does his best to relate to him and meets Mr Bell’s teenage daughter, Chess, and finds himself with a new best friend. Chess takes him to his first Sunset Valley party where he is introduced to three eligible bachelors – Isaac, the school girl; Brandon, the school bad boy and Kian, the school jock. Drew's drink is spiked and the next day, he finds he's got a lot of explaining to do considering he made out with all three boys...
1x02: Three Kisses
Drew is confused by the cold shoulder he gets from two of his new friends after a photo from the party leaks. Chess attempts to keep people talking about Drew by spreading rumors about his ex in the sex tape, leaving him feeling a little confused about their friendship and where the boundaries lie. Mr Bell talks Drew into helping out in an extra lunch session where he starts to get close to Kian.
1x03: Everybody Loves Ooh
Chess does her best to make sure that Drew's fifteen minutes of infamy don't run out by taking advantage of a promiscuous photoshoot for an art project. Drew finds himself in the middle of a feud between Brandon and Isaac that leaves him confused about their feelings. Kian's twin sister Alice quizzes him on his feelings for Drew.
1x04: This Kiss
Chess convinces Drew to co-host a party with her after she convinces her father to attend a teachers resort for the weekend. Drew’s determined to remain sober this time but other people have no such qualms and a fight breaks out when Brandon has one drink too many. Kian struggles with his feelings whilst Isaac finds himself some joy whilst playing the role of the victim.
1x05: Mr Heartbreaker
Mr Bell suspects that Chess is back with her jock ex-boyfriend who previously cheated on her and broke her heart so he asks Drew to look out for her. Drew uses the opportunity to get close with Kian, who's at near breaking point when he can no longer deny what his heart is telling him. Chess finds herself growing desperate for love and acceptance, something that leads her to make a disastrous mistake.
1x06: Bug A Boo
Drew is confused about where he stands with Isaac when he discovers some distressing news about his friend. Mr Bell struggles to relate to Drew when the younger boy decides to conceal some elements in his story. Chess gets close with Brandon and Drew worries that she'll start picking up his bad habits. Kian decides that it's finally time to admit the truth but fate leads him to do it at totally the wrong minute, potentially ruining everything.
1x07: Careers Fair
1x08: Sucks To Be You
1x09: Dead Man Walking
1x10: Girl At Home
1x11: Animal Heaven
1x12: Big Plans :: NOTES ::Finally pitching this! I've been playing around with this idea for quite a while but after writing the pilot in twenty-four hours I thought it was finally time to go ahead with it! I'm going to do some edits on the pilot before likely uploading it tomorrow but I wanted to get a pitch out there already! A fair warning, this series is going to be quite explicit in both its swearing and sexual content. |
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Post by Tommy West on Feb 4, 2013 12:42:36 GMT -6
Happy Birthday Chris! |
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Post by Tommy West on Feb 3, 2013 7:14:08 GMT -6
Can't wait to see your pitch, Tom, if you decide to go through with it. I'm seven pages into the pilot right now, which is the most writing I've done in a while and things are going well! I'm hoping to have a pitch up soon. |
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Post by Tommy West on Feb 2, 2013 21:35:25 GMT -6
I might be working on a pitch for here. I think of all the big three VS networks, it would probably get an audience here considering it's a quirky-fun teen drama and neither MZPtv nor TEN had audiences into that, whereas this place is home to stuff like Audition so I think it could fit right in! We'll see how the writing process goes before I make any promises about pitching though...
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