BITTEN

[Deleted]

Thanks Megan! Hope you enjoy the read

[Deleted]

**Update** -- Hey everyone just a quick update. I have added a couple more episode descriptions to the pitch above. ^^ Thanks.

[Jay Paterson]

So i finally got around to reading this pitch and the pilot and i gotta say, I'm hooked already!

1x01
The structure of the script is great, its so easy to follow. I loved the way you told the story throughout and how you introduced the characters as they came into a scene. The werewolf attack scenes were written perfectly they definitely kept me on the edge of my seat. I would change anything about them.

I love all the characters. Elizabella and Milo have to be my favorites. I find Elizabella so evil and bad ass, she just seems to be the perfect bad guy. And as for Milo he's pretty mysterious and i really wanna know more about him, i mean what the hell did he do to those viscera's?! Gwen and Will are awesome you can tell there is tension between them as they seem to disagree a lot but you can still tell they love each other and they've got each others back's. I feel like i don't really know much about Sara. I feel like i got a taste of everyone's personality except her's, i don't know maybe that was just me. I like all the characters you have in this series which is weird because there is usually someone i don't like. I even like Abigail she seems fun! Jeremy however seems pretty boring but I've still to see more of him so who knows.

The only thing that i kinda felt wasn't right was how quickly the relationship between Will and Sara was moving. I mean they're the main couple of the story and it feels like they've already established a full relationship in one day. They hung out, they started to like each other, they almost kissed, then they had a falling out, and by the end of the episode all is well (kinda). I would have liked to see them grow more and their feelings grown through a few more episodes. Because reading the pilot i felt like their relationship was already formed.

But the whole plot seems so well structured and i really cant wait to see more. I am really intrigued with the whole Viscera mythology and who Elizabeth is and how she knows Will and Gwen. The ending was a bit of a shock it was a really nice twist because i wasn't expecting that coming.

SPOILER: Click to show

Even though i was really confused as to why you killed of Elizabeth in the first episode. But i'm so glad she's still alive.

I am so rooting for this to get picked up. I absolutely love it and will tuned in every week to read it! And with the pilot being this good i cant wait to see what else is going to happen throughout this series.

P.S. poor Alfred i actually really liked his character :( i hope he's OK. Because i'd like to see more of him! I think he's be a great character to have around especially to help Jeremy with his 'lady' problems. lol :)

Overall i would give this episode a 9/10

[Deleted]

Thanks Jay for reading and reviewing!!! It was greatly appreciated :D

May 7, 2012 23:07:02 GMT -6 Jay Paterson said:

So i finally got around to reading this pitch and the pilot and i gotta say, I'm hooked already!

1x01
The structure of the script is great, its so easy to follow. I loved the way you told the story throughout and how you introduced the characters as they came into a scene. The werewolf attack scenes were written perfectly they definitely kept me on the edge of my seat. I would change anything about them.

I love all the characters. Elizabella and Milo have to be my favorites. I find Elizabella so evil and bad ass, she just seems to be the perfect bad guy. And as for Milo he's pretty mysterious and i really wanna know more about him, i mean what the hell did he do to those viscera's?! Gwen and Will are awesome you can tell there is tension between them as they seem to disagree a lot but you can still tell they love each other and they've got each others back's. I feel like i don't really know much about Sara. I feel like i got a taste of everyone's personality except her's, i don't know maybe that was just me. I like all the characters you have in this series which is weird because there is usually someone i don't like. I even like Abigail she seems fun! Jeremy however seems pretty boring but I've still to see more of him so who knows.

Elizabella has become one of my favorite characters thus far writing wise. Mostly because she's evil and I lack that bone. Lmao! No she's a villain created by circumstance. It has a lot to do with the Adlers. Maybe not Will and Gwen directly, but as they say the sins of the father yada yada yada. Milo is definitely packing heat that's for sure. He won't actual use his "fire" power again until episode 1x03 and it's a total accident. But Milo is definitely controlled by his emotions. Will and Gwen have this sibling rivalry going on and I love it. It's a hate/love relationship which will continue throughout the first season at least. I'm sorry that you didn't get a sense of Sara's personality in the pilot. Hopefully I can redeem that if the series is picked up because she's got the most mind-blowing plot twists out of all the characters. Jeremy is pretty much the damsel in distress for the first few episodes because he is utterly clueless as to what is going on.

The only thing that i kinda felt wasn't right was how quickly the relationship between Will and Sara was moving. I mean they're the main couple of the story and it feels like they've already established a full relationship in one day. They hung out, they started to like each other, they almost kissed, then they had a falling out, and by the end of the episode all is well (kinda). I would have liked to see them grow more and their feelings grown through a few more episodes. Because reading the pilot i felt like their relationship was already being formed.

Yeah I feared I may have rushed their relationship a little bit because their relationship was built on the fact that this stranger saved her life, and he was gorgeous in her eyes. Every girl's fantasy. Lmao! Also Will is so eager to live a normal life, and what's more normal then meeting the girl of his dreams. Their courting is one of the things I sacrificed when I revised this Pilot from the one I had written originally. A few reviewers had said that there needed to be more plot and less "Sara and Will getting to know each other".

But the whole plot seems so well structured and i really cant wait to see more. I am really intrigued with the whole Viscera mythology and who Elizabeth is and how she knows Will and Gwen. The ending was a bit of a shock it was a really nice twist because i wasn't expecting that coming.

SPOILER: Click to show

Even though i was really confused as to why you killed of Elizabeth in the first episode. But i'm so glad she's still alive.

I am so rooting for this to get picked up. I absolutely love it and will tuned in every week to read it! And with the pilot being this good i cant wait to see what else is going to happen throughout this series.

Thanks Jay! I'm glad you liked it. :D There will be plenty of Viscera and definitely more of Elizabella, because I am not done with her yet. Lmao! Thank you so much, that means a lot to me. :D

P.S. poor Alfred i actually really liked his character :( i hope he's OK. Because i'd like to see more of him! I think he's be a great character to have around especially to help Jeremy with his 'lady' problems. lol :)

[/i]

Overall i would give this episode a 9/10[/quote]

Albert will be back in 1x02 and Jeremy's 'lady' problems will continue. Lmao! Thanks again for reading and reviewing!! I am so glad you enjoyed it that much. It's greatly appreciated.

[Aimee Nicole]

REVIEW: Full Moon Rising


Alright, Darrin, finally reading and reviewing your script. I'm going to review as I read, so I'm sorry if it gets lengthy.


Awesome opening I really love your attention to detail. It was easy for me to picture and you had an element of suspense in the first part that I really enjoyed. You also did a fantastic job of establishing this setting to us. A nice, fishing town. I love it already -- I don't know what it is, but I always love towns/cities like that.

I really like Gwen and her dynamic with Will. Those two are definitely edging to be my favorites. I'm definitely intrigued by this "royalty" element you've got going on here. Really can't wait to see where this goes.

Alright, definitely liking Sara too. She seems really sweet, especially when she let the Evan take a break when she saw how hard he was working. And the newspaper at the end of that scene? Oh, boy, here we go.

Abigail watches then storms off after her almost
taking the woman, who was tugging on her apron, with her.

The imagery there actually made me chuckle to myself. It probably wasn't supposed to, but it totally did. The little things like that are always awesome. I also love how you've got kind of a horror element in here as well. The "chase" scenes are really well written and give a horror-movie like feel to it. I really like that.

I love how the scene we saw in the beginning makes its way around later in the script. I love how you integrated that and brought it around, and it made sense. Fantastic job with that. The fight scene you had there was great, and well detailed. I could see every bit of it going in my head.

Okay so I got lost in the reading from that scene to the end, so let me just try to summon up my feelings on the rest of it: EPIC. I say again that your attention to detail, while still keeping it relatively short and sweet is amazing, I love it. I don't have to trust to visualize anything and it all flows nicely. Aside from a few places, your dialogue was also well-written and I didn't step back going, "Wait, what?" at all. And that cliffhanger? Oh shit. I can't wait to see more of this, Darrin.

You have a really good story here, and a great execution. You've definitely gotten me hooked, and I'd love to see more of this. I feel that "Bitten" definitely has a spot on the network's line-up and we have so many fans of vampires and werewolves on the site that you'd have a really good following as well. All in all, you had a great pilot. I give you a 10/10. Good luck on this, Darrin! You've totally got my vote.

[Deleted]

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing Aimee!!

May 8, 2012 21:19:19 GMT -6 Aimee Nicole said:

REVIEW: Full Moon Rising


Alright, Darrin, finally reading and reviewing your script. I'm going to review as I read, so I'm sorry if it gets lengthy.

Awesome opening I really love your attention to detail. It was easy for me to picture and you had an element of suspense in the first part that I really enjoyed. You also did a fantastic job of establishing this setting to us. A nice, fishing town. I love it already -- I don't know what it is, but I always love towns/cities like that.

Thank you so much. I'm glad you like it. I love small towns like that too. I find them mysterious, and creepy. Every small town has their legends and stories, so I thought a small town would be the perfect backdrop for Bitten.

I really like Gwen and her dynamic with Will. Those two are definitely edging to be my favorites. I'm definitely intrigued by this "royalty" element you've got going on here. Really can't wait to see where this goes.

Alright, definitely liking Sara too. She seems really sweet, especially when she let the Evan take a break when she saw how hard he was working. And the newspaper at the end of that scene? Oh, boy, here we go.

Gwen and Will are two fun characters to write. Their bickering is very reminiscent of my sister and my own, minus the Royalty. XD Sara is a really sweet. She's like the mother hen, and with good reason. After her mother's death she was the one that kept them all together. So she has this motherly way about her. Haha! The newspaper was a last minute add in. I originally had Abigail talking about it in great length but realized that needed to be cut because it was too long, next best thing show a newspaper clipping that says it all.

Abigail watches then storms off after her almost
taking the woman, who was tugging on her apron, with her.

The imagery there actually made me chuckle to myself. It probably wasn't supposed to, but it totally did. The little things like that are always awesome. I also love how you've got kind of a horror element in here as well. The "chase" scenes are really well written and give a horror-movie like feel to it. I really like that.

Of course you can chuckle. Abigail's character, to me, is that one character who brings the smiles and laughs. That's her role right now. She takes a much bigger role midway through the season. Horror movies are my life. I love everything about them, so this show is very much inspired by horror movies. Visually anyways.

I love how the scene we saw in the beginning makes its way around later in the script. I love how you integrated that and brought it around, and it made sense. Fantastic job with that. The fight scene you had there was great, and well detailed. I could see every bit of it going in my head.

Thanks you! I actually wrote that entire scene after I wrote the teaser. I knew I wanted the opening scene to be a dream but reflect future events of the "bite" in which Bitten's name comes from, however the whole chase scene with Sara was written to incorporate the teasers opening scene. I'm glad I was able to pull that off. XD

Okay so I got lost in the reading from that scene to the end, so let me just try to summon up my feelings on the rest of it: EPIC. I say again that your attention to detail, while still keeping it relatively short and sweet is amazing, I love it. I don't have to trust to visualize anything and it all flows nicely. Aside from a few places, your dialogue was also well-written and I didn't step back going, "Wait, what?" at all. And that cliffhanger? Oh shit. I can't wait to see more of this, Darrin.

Thank you so much Aimee! I'm glad you really enjoyed it!!

Yes. The dialogue. Thanks for clearing up, for me, the section in question. I want to address this because the awkwardness and forcefulness in conversation between Milo and Sara in the teaser was done on purpose. Milo and Sara share this elephant in the room... Milo's suicide attempt. She even admits later in the story, to Will, that she doesn't know how to talk to Milo. I'm sorry to anyone who didn't pick up on that, I might have made that too subtle Lmao! But that awkwardness is meant to be. So thank you Aimee for clearing that up for me.

You have a really good story here, and a great execution. You've definitely gotten me hooked, and I'd love to see more of this. I feel that "Bitten" definitely has a spot on the network's line-up and we have so many fans of vampires and werewolves on the site that you'd have a really good following as well. All in all, you had a great pilot. I give you a 10/10. Good luck on this, Darrin! You've totally got my vote.

OMG! I can't thank you enough! Everyone in fact who has read and reviewed. I am truly grateful. I am extremely pleased that you liked the Pilot that much. Thanks again Aimee!!!

[Deleted]

Didn't know where to throw this so I thought I'd put it here. I'm not going to be around this weekend because I'm cottage bound. But I should be home Sunday sometime. For anyone I owe reviews for I shall get them to you sometime next week. I'm leaving my computer at home but bringing some paper and pens with me in case I get inspired. Have a good one everyone!!!

[Deleted]

So I decided to read the Pilot episode today while on my lunch break and realized that I have yet to update the online file compared to the revised one I had created. Not that there is any major changes to it but now I have to go home tonight and upload the *updated* version. Yep, I'm a dud. Lmao!

[Deleted]

^^^ sorry to add to the above post but I am removing the link to the Pilot episode until sometime tonight when I fix it. Thanks everyone!!!

[Deleted]

The link has been fixed. And it was only one thing I wanted to fix. The diner in which the Hale's run is not a 50's diner. I know I am picky Lmao! So I just had to fix that section. Enjoy!! Lmao!

[Andy]

This sounds right up my street. Will read the pilot over the next couple of days when I get the chance.

[Deleted]

Hey everyone! As some of you may know already (simply by the thread being moved to Pitches that Made It) Bitten has been picked up by The VPN. As a result of this I have decided to take down the link to the Pilot until the Premiere. For those of you who have not read it, but was planning to, fear not, I will be buckling down and writing more so that the premiere may come sooner rather then later. Thank you to all of you for reading, reviewing, and visiting this thread. You all made this possible!!! XD Thank you so much, Darrin.