This could be interesting. I would love to see your full pitch. I'm sorry that your internet screwed up and did not allow you to post the full thing. I hope you get the information into your post soon!
But I do have one question: you keep pitching a lot of different ideas, some with more development than others, some with writing, some not. Do you really want to pursue ALL of your pitches or are you just throwing ideas out there that you have thought of? Now I am no expert, but my suggestion would be to find the project that you are very passionate about and really pursue pitching that to us. If you choose one of your series to really work on you can develop your premise, characters, and episodes a lot more and have a truly well-thoughtout series. Just a suggestion.
Post by Aimee Nicole on Mar 17, 2012 17:43:21 GMT -6
REVIEW:"What Evil Lurks In The Hearts Of Men?"
First of all, I wanna say that I agree with Cadamdale. I think I might have mentioned this before, but you do post a LOT of pitches that you don't seen to follow up on. I'm not sure whether you plan to pursue all of these or not, but I highly suggest starting out with one and working on it and it alone. Once you get the feel for it and find one that's successful, you may be able to branch out into others.
With this pilot, the first thing that catches my attention is that your cover page is blank, while the title is on the first page of the script itself. You've done this for almost all of your pilots that I've taken a look at. If you are using Final Draft, which it appears you are, there is a specific place where you can place your title. I would be happy to show you how if you are uncertain where that is. It's not that big of a deal right now, but you might need to fix that later.
I'm not sure if you were pressed for time, but another thing I noticed was that there are a lot of grammatical errors. When you want to post even just a teaser, you still need to put it through an editing program or at least an editing staff/person, to ensure that you eliminated most of the mistakes you made throughout the script. Remember, your pitch and your pilot is what needs to grasp your targeted audience, so spend a few days working out the kinks and stuff. If you don't have an editing staff or an editor, you can always post in the forums here that you are looking for one. There are always people here willing to help out when they can.
Another thing that caught my attention; you have a scene where the hostage is sitting in the chair and beyond it outside, there are people standing around, having a cigarette. At first, since it is a warehouse, I thought maybe that the door was wide open and we could see out. But, as I read on, smoke comes up from under the door. Because those are two separate "places" technically, you should insert sluglines to indicate a change in the location, EVEN if it just outside. It makes it easier on the reader and less confusing.
One other minor thing that can be easily fixed is that your parenthetical isn't suppose to share the same line as your character's speech. At least, I don't think so. To me, it looks a little odd and it's kinda distracting. If you're putting the parenthical BEFORE the speech, after you insert the character's name, hit tab and Final Draft will make the parenthetical for you. After that, hit ENTER, and you write your speech from there. Same goes for when you want your parenthetical to go after your character's speech. Hit tab so it is on its own line. I think it would go over better if you did it like that instead.
However, on to the good so that I can leave this review on a better note:
Something I thought was kind of interesting was where Joey, your thug, has a gun pointed at your main character and suddenly he no longer has a gun and the police are arriving and he is being handcuffed, as if he was dazed or time sped forward. Either way, it's an interesting concept to your Shadow character.
That said, Shadow is an interesting character himself. Anti-heroes are always unappreciated, I think, and it's nice to see one being used. How he came to be, what he does, what he stands for. It has the potential to be something people would enjoy reading. I think once you do a little more research and practice with the script writing, do some grammar and spell check and also (as I've mentioned in my other reviews for you), read some of your character's dialogue out loud to yourself to make sure everything they say sounds like actual human speech -- you have a unique story.
Like I said before, if you need help, ask questions. Ask as many as you need. There is always someone around willing to give advice or tips. Regardless, I wish you luck with this and hope you take some of the suggestions into consideration.