The Critic (Virtual Continuation)

[peapotmaster]

Summary: Jay Sherman is back in an all new web mini series continuing where the animated series ended. This time, Jay goes to Hollywood to reboot his career as a film critic. Join him and his new family as the comedy that made the Critic a cult favorite.

CAST:

Jon Lovitz-Jay Sherman
Park Overal- Alice Tompkins Sherman
Russi Tayor-Penny Sherman
Nancy Cartwright- Margo Sherman
Charles Napier- Duke Phillips Note: This series is Napier's last project before his death in 2011.


EPISODES:

03x01: Cancelled...Again Pt. 1: Jay Sherman is back, and he's fired...again.

03x02: Cancelled...Again Pt. 2- The Shermans prepare to leave to their new lives in Hollywood, when one of the host of Movie Heads dies. Plus, Margo comes out.

03x03: Screw Hollywood Screw- Jay prepares for his Movie Heads debut, while an old face returns to haunt him.

03x04: Valerie Fox Trot- Valerie Fox is back in Jay's life again. Could this cost Jay his marriage or something stupid?

03x05: The Hard Jay Pt. 1- Jay returns to New York for Margo's wedding, as he is about to return to witness the death of a major character.

03x06: The Hard Jay Pt. 2- As everyone mourns the loss of Doris Grossman, Jay discovers her last dying wish.

03x07: Farewell, My Sherman (Season Finale)- Jay must make a major choice back in Hollywood, as he must take on his greatest challenge.

LINKS TO SCRIPTS:

rapidshare.com/files/1063332675/Critic_1.pdf

rapidshare.com/files/60690007/critic2.pdf

Attachments:

[peapotmaster]

Here's Episode 2

Attachments:

[Aimee Nicole]

REVIEW: Cancelled...Again (Part One)

I'll start off by saying that I'm not familiar with "The Critic", so I'm kind of going into this blind. So, I apologize ahead of time if the show was meant to have anything that I comment on and I missed the spirit of it.

First of all, I want to say that I like that the characters are different. They have, for the most part, personalities that are differing and easy to tell apart. That's the first thing I look for when I review shows -- are the characters different, or one in the same? I can't stand when shows have the same character over and over, just a different name, gender, or what have you. So props for that.

I did, however, have a few problems with the script but it's nothing that can't be fixed with some revision.

Firstly, the dialogue. I feel that it some places that it's unnatural, somewhat forced. You also reiterate the same things over and over again. It's really repetitive in some places. I feel like a few good rewordings would do really good in there. Also, to help with the dialogue, what I do is I say the lines out loud to myself to see if it sounds like something I'd actually say. Or, you can bounce the lines of someone else as well if you're doing a conversation. Those are great ways to make sure the dialogue works.

I felt in some places that the script was a little confusing -- I didn't know what was going on. I suggest finding a way to distinguish when he's on screen and when he's actually there. I feel like the transitions between that threw me off a bit. Some parts also felt really random, and I couldn't really get into it or enjoy it because of this. And again, I go back to apologizing if the show is meant to be this way. Regardless, I think there are better ways to transition into that to make it flow better and be less confusing.

Another thing is spelling and grammar. I noticed a lot of mistakes in that area. Spending a little more time in the editing process, or getting someone to look over it, would easily remedy that problem so I'm not gonna spend much time on that.

The last thing I want to mention is that the ending just cuts off. There is nothing to point out that the show is over, it just cuts off as though you stopped writing it and sent it in. I'd definitely suggest fixing that by adding "End of Episode" or "End of Script" to the end.

All in all, I think that if you fix it up and take these suggestions to heart, you could form a script that could catch our eyes as a comedy for the network. Right now, it does need a little bit of work before I'd take it to the executives. If you decide to make the changes, I'll be glad to read it again and give you another review. Good luck!

[peapotmaster]

Thanks, I'll rework it this month and send it back to you.