Journey of the ENUMA ELISH -- SF-series (with pilot)

[Jon Van Pelt]

THE UNIVERSE

Earth. The year is 2560.

The Great Cataclysm is nothing more but a vague memory. Only 3 billion humans survived a series of natural catastrophes which scorched the planet some 500 years ago. A second Dark Age left modern society in ruins. But on these ruins a new world order found its roots.
Nations vaporized, replaced by City States and Free Lands.
The Directorate coordinates the policies of each individual City. The goal: the survival of the Human race and the rebirth of Earth. Their policy leaves no room for individual freedom. People serve the survival of the race. By any means necessary.
In stark contrast: the Free Lands. A place where one can still choose their own destiny. But that freedom comes at a price. Life is hard out there. Antiquated technology, failed harvests starving the population, no healthcare system,… .
In order to survive, Citizens no longer look down to the Earth, but upwards to the stars. After 150 years of travelling into space at the slow stride of light speed, a new propulsion system ushers in a new era of space travel. It is called the “Dark Matter Engine” (DME). It enables us to create a rift in the fabric of space which makes it possible to jump 10 light years in one trip.

We will follow the crew the ENUMA ELISH, the first ship equipped with DME-drive, as they start their one year mission to find new habitable worlds to colonize. But what will they find out there?


THE VOYAGE

The story of JOURNEY OF THE ENUMA ELISH is spread across 3 years. Each year coincides with 1 season.

Season 1

First season will explore the world in which JOURNEY OF THE ENUMA ELISH takes place, through the eyes of the main characters. We will learn more about their personal history and how they end up on board the ship.

Season 2

This season will focus entirely on the crew’s voyage through deep space. A lonesome and dangerous endeavor.

Season 3

Back on Earth, having spent almost an entire year in solitude, the crew must adapt to their old lives while the Human race needs to come terms with the fact that they may not be alone in this universe.

THE CREW

Adanna Jalloh (played by Gina Torres)
Function: Mission Commander
Born into the upper class of society. Proud and stubborn with an air of superiority. Very by the book attitude. A control freak.

Nathan Storme (played by Chris Pratt)
Function: First Officer – security station
A decision maker. A hero. Former Captain in the Earth Space Marine Corps. Propelled to the position of first officer on board the ENUMA ELISH by the Admiralty. He is considered to be a pawn in the eternal struggle for space dominance between the ESMC and the Earth Space Program, the organization supervising the mission.

Muhiddin Aydin (played by David Giuntoli)
Function: Pilot
He could have led a life in luxury. But the death of his father (head of A-TECH) dealt a devastating blow to young Muhiddin. He left his home and family and chose to become a space marine.
A trusted friend of Storme.

Aaron Berenbaum (played by Mandy Patinkin)
Function: Engineer
Professor Berenbaum. The man who unlocked the secret of Dark Matter Energy. He takes great pride in his discovery and is eager to be part of the first mission into deep space.
He is a father figure and confidant to many.

Charlie Jacobs (played by Samira Wiley)
Function: assistant engineer
The mission is another opportunity to have fun. She is always in a good mood. Very optimistic mindset. But behind all this positivism, is a dark secret that could ruin careers.

Elisabeth Collins (played by Ruth Wilson)
Function: doctor
A humanist. Not afraid to take risks. She wants to experience life to the fullest.

HP-86 “HAPPY” (played by Rose McGowan)
A Human Print. A living being of flesh and blood ‘printed’ by a machine. She was built as a living translation matrix, able to communicate with others through telepathy.

Suresh Gill (played by Anil Kapoor)
Function: tech support for the Human Print
Creator of the HP-BVDZ86, or “HAPPY” as she’s called by the rest of the crew.
Having been involved in the creation of Human Prints, he sees them as the future of humanity.


PILOT EPISODE
1x01 Return to the Free Lands
(link)

A catastrophic event on the S.M.S. INVINCIBLE leaves behind a disillusioned Captain Storme. Trying to come to terms with what happened, he decides to go back to his home in the Free Lands. But after 20 years he’ll learn there’s not much left there to call ‘home’. The Free Lands have changed. A change which could alter the future of humanity...

[Jon Van Pelt]

For those of you who've downloaded the pilot episode:

I just noticed that a few scenes got mixed up.
New pilot available in a few hours through link in first post.

My apologies  .

[Jon Van Pelt]

New pilot now online!

[Darrin McCann]

** REVIEW ** 1.01 - 'Return to the Free Lands'

I'm always very intimidated to read a Virtual Series where the pitch describes this huge world and ideas because I get fearful that if I don't understand some of the things in the pitch I won't be able to follow the story in the pilot, that didn't happen in this case. Although a lot of information of the world's history is given in the Pitch it wasn't a necessity to know every in and out of the world in order to understand what was happening in the Pilot.

The opening caught and kept my attention. I got a little bit confused between the destruction of the SMS Invincible and the African Savannah because it read as if the events were taking place directly after one another. Even putting in a simple such-and-such Years(months) later or a Present Day would have distinguish that these two scenes, and the ones that follow, take place a distance of time apart.

Whenever you're dealing with a Virtual Series with such a huge mythology some things tend to get lost in translation, or dialogue becomes very flat, because you're trying to explain to your viewers 'what is what' and 'who is who'. I am notorious for creating dialogue that is straight on the nose, especially in a Pilot because I am trying to fit a huge amount of mythology into 50-60 pages so that the following episodes are not so wooden, for lack of a better term. In this Pilot, I feel like you achieved a balance between explaining your mythology and telling a good story. There were some instances I felt went a little bit too far and too straight on the nose, an example would be Storme and Collins meeting for the first time and him flat out saying 'Might want to tell me your story before you shoot me?' and after some bantering she tells him how she exists in both worlds. I don't know if it's that particular line that gnaws at me in that section of dialogue but it's definitely the one that stands out the most. Out of all the character interactions in this Pilot that scenes dialogue is probably the one I feel needs some sort of tweaking.

Speaking of mythology, I have to say how impressed I am with how fully realized both your world and its history is. It's solid. The characters are very distinctive as well. It was easy to picture the characters by their dialogue alone. It was really good. There's a couple SPAG errors throughout that can easily be fixed with a good beta reader or even going over it again yourself. Nothing too huge. Overall I liked the episode. It was definitely a solid start to what I think will be a great story. Thumbs up from me

[Jon Van Pelt]

Darrin, first of all: thank you for reading the pilot episode and giving me feedback . It will definitely help me to improve the script (and my writing in general).


I’m very happy to see that you liked the pilot. I’ve invested a lot of time in developing the world of “Enuma Elish” and the characters, so that seems to have paid off.

I love the world building part when I’m writing/creating, but it’s the characters and their stories which ultimately drive the story. It’s not always easy but -like you mentioned- I think I’ve found the right balance here which I hope to carry over into the following episodes of season 1.


The opening scenes went through various re-writes. Especially in a pilot, those scenes can either make or break you (and therefor your series as a whole). The opening of “Return to the Free Lands” is definitely meant to grab the reader (or viewer?) and pull them in for the rest of the journey.


I think this series has great potential. The characters have a rich background story, an endless source for drama . I feel like this is a universe people would want to explore. So hopefully this show will picked up by VPN. Let’s keep those fingers crossed .

[Brady Brown]

Hey!

I've been able to snag some reads of your pilot here and there throughout the week, and I have to say I've been really enjoying it. I love your writing style, and I love the vast world you've managed to create. My only criticisms echo Darrin's in that there was some confusion on my end because of the quick jump from space to Africa, and then we're really thrust into this world and the explanations of a lot of stuff can seem on-the-nose. Other than that, I've really enjoyed what I've read so far.