Post by Brian Melanson on Dec 18, 2017 23:05:17 GMT -6
Sorry this took a while, I've been busy-ish with crazy work schedules. But here is my feedback for you.
I'm going to start off by saying, I am not a huge comic book guy. While I love the comic movies and stuff like that. For example -- Smallville, the DCTV Verse (more or less sometimes), they all start out with an interesting plot that kicks you into the series. Such as a boy with superhuman strength. Or a billionaire playboy who shoots arrows for a living. The shows all start the same, slowly bringing you into the world and you learn about it as the characters learn about it. But in this case, I'm not finding myself intrigued by it. I am someone you want to bring into the series and get excited about because I know nothing about the comics, the origins and the mythology. The best part about a superhero series with a very well established canon, you need to slowly introduce your audience who might not know it all, into this universe. You can't expect someone to look at this and go "I should catch up on everything about this character so I'm ready for the show". A real viewer/reader would not do that. It's up to you as the writer to show us who these characters are, what their goals are and where things are heading. You can't just expect us to know what Rachel is and her whole comic book canon. That's something I felt reading the pilot, I felt confused. I felt as if I should know everything there is to know about this character, but I just don't. It would be hard for a casual person to grasp onto it. Take a look back I think and see how you can introduce us into this world, how you can show us what these characters are going to be, who they are, what's their daily lives or something that before just thrusting us in and just going "Here's all this stuff." It's hard to follow and you need to be slow. There is nothing wrong with taking the time to slowly introduce the world.
As for the actual script, I felt as if things felt forced. Like a lot of capitalization. For me, I feel like using caps is good for emphasis or saying "Hey this is important!". But when you do it for a lot of words, it just feels like too much. Also, introducing your characters, it felt as if you were using way too much action to explain when you can simply explain a few of their traits and then go about the episode. It should take a good chunk of the page explaining their outfit. I feel like before this gets any further, you need to go back and look at it from a casual viewer perspective. If you do it like that, it could be good. Make some changes to the action, focus more on the characters and introducing them. I will read another draft and hope that it's drastically different. Just remember, not everyone knows who Raven is. That's up to you to tell us who she is.
I'm going to start off by saying, I am not a huge comic book guy. While I love the comic movies and stuff like that. For example -- Smallville, the DCTV Verse (more or less sometimes), they all start out with an interesting plot that kicks you into the series. Such as a boy with superhuman strength. Or a billionaire playboy who shoots arrows for a living. The shows all start the same, slowly bringing you into the world and you learn about it as the characters learn about it. But in this case, I'm not finding myself intrigued by it. I am someone you want to bring into the series and get excited about because I know nothing about the comics, the origins and the mythology. The best part about a superhero series with a very well established canon, you need to slowly introduce your audience who might not know it all, into this universe. You can't expect someone to look at this and go "I should catch up on everything about this character so I'm ready for the show". A real viewer/reader would not do that. It's up to you as the writer to show us who these characters are, what their goals are and where things are heading. You can't just expect us to know what Rachel is and her whole comic book canon. That's something I felt reading the pilot, I felt confused. I felt as if I should know everything there is to know about this character, but I just don't. It would be hard for a casual person to grasp onto it. Take a look back I think and see how you can introduce us into this world, how you can show us what these characters are going to be, who they are, what's their daily lives or something that before just thrusting us in and just going "Here's all this stuff." It's hard to follow and you need to be slow. There is nothing wrong with taking the time to slowly introduce the world.
As for the actual script, I felt as if things felt forced. Like a lot of capitalization. For me, I feel like using caps is good for emphasis or saying "Hey this is important!". But when you do it for a lot of words, it just feels like too much. Also, introducing your characters, it felt as if you were using way too much action to explain when you can simply explain a few of their traits and then go about the episode. It should take a good chunk of the page explaining their outfit. I feel like before this gets any further, you need to go back and look at it from a casual viewer perspective. If you do it like that, it could be good. Make some changes to the action, focus more on the characters and introducing them. I will read another draft and hope that it's drastically different. Just remember, not everyone knows who Raven is. That's up to you to tell us who she is.
