Raven: Destiny Rising ("M:SCU" Spin-Off)

[Alex Matthews]

A New Webisode Series
from the creator of "Metropolis: Special Crimes Unit"

Based on characters from DC Comics

Starring
Malese Jow as “Rachel Roth”
Connor Paolo as “Garfield Logan”
Evanna Lynch as “Greta Hayes”
David Henrie as “Zachary Zatara”
with
James Patrick Stuart as “Sebastian Blood”
and
Paget Brewster as “Dr. Angela Roth”

It‘s been almost two years since Rachel Roth discovered that the metahuman abilities she has actually come from magick, and began studying sorcery. But when Rachel begins to experience nightmares of apocalyptic events, she strives to find answers from both her reticent mother Angela and her mysterious mentor Madame Xanadu, while trying to have a normal life with her friends. Angela realizes that the time may soon be coming that she might loose Rachel forever, and turns to the man who is responsible for embroiling her in this nightmare.

5 years ago, Rachel was just your everyday average high school student, occasionally skipping class, hanging out with her friends, and doing the typical ‘rebellious youth’ thing. Until she realized that she could ‘feel’ the emotions of others around her - if they got angry or sad or joyously happy, she got angry, sad, etc. Looking for help, she turned to the only person who has ever stood by her or understood her throughout her role life - her mother, Angela Roth. In the years since then, thanks to her mother's involvement with the Isis Foundation, Rachel, now a senior at Met U, has accepted her abilities, including a newly manifested telekinetic ability, that surfaced during her attack by Dr. Henry King, and gotten back to having as normal a life as possible. Then the nightmares started.

Garfield Logan is used to the spotlight, but he’s also glad to be out of it. The son of a 90’s television star, he grew up around glitz and glamour, and for a short time in his youth, fell into it’s seductive claws when he himself briefly tried his hand at acting. Thankfully, that career lasted about one season, and he turned his attention back to school, and his first real love - animals. After many evenings and weekends volunteering and working at various animal shelters and local veterinary clinics, he knew what he wanted out of life. Now, with every intention to enjoy college life, he’s in his final year of Met U, and dating the girl of his dreams, even if she’s a little distant from him at the moment. But his life is going to get a whole lot stranger...

Cousin to the famous ‘Mistress of Magic‘, Zack is still dealing with the death of his father, Giuseppe ‘Joey’ Zatara, from two years ago, and has been acting out by falling in with the wrong crowds, and getting mixed up with street gambling. After his nascent magical abilities manifested, he embraced them and decides to use them to add a little more fun into his life, which only results in more trouble. A student of Madame Xanadu’s, his new friendship with Rachel grounds him a little bit more, forcing him to grow up, but his relationship with Rachel‘s friends is a little more difficult.

Greta Hayes is your pretty normal average college girl, everything Rachel wanted to be, but they’re also very different - she’s the light to Rachel’s dark, in fashion, personality, everything. Yet somehow, they are also good friends. Whereas Rachel is reserved, Greta is a ‘say-it-like-it-is’ kind of girl, with practically no filter from brain to mouth, but never nasty or malicious. She also understands just how hard it can be deal with a certain amount of darkness in your soul. Greta handles being drawn into the world of magick and prophetic dreams with remarkable aplomb, taking it in stride but not entirely trusting it. That doesn't stop her from taking an immediate fancy to Zachary Zatara when he shows up on the scene. As her relationship with paranormal grows, Greta discovers that she's drawn to it for a reason.

The charismatic and handsome leader of the Church of Blood, it is Sebastian's job to both sway new members to their flock, as well a secure the safety of the 'Raven' - the child of Trigon that will bring about their god's ascendancy. Although faithful and willing to the end, he also harbours feelings for Angela Roth, being the one who seduced her into the Church's grasp back in their younger days. He has watched over both Angela and Rachel since her escape from the Church, willing to let them live the semblance of a normal life, but always ready to protect them from the many enemies that would stop at nothing to defeat Trigon's rising.

Rachel's loving, protective and dedicated mother, Angela knows the truth about her daughter's origins, but has done her best to keep it from Rachel. But she knows the time is coming that the truth will out, and she must prepare for the worst. Running the Isis Foundation, and helping young metahumans learn to deal with their abilities has allowed her to help Rachel in the same way, even if her abilities come from a far different source. Now, Angela must be ready and willing to deal with someone she wishes she would never have to see again in order to keep her daughter safe.

Sequence One

Arc One

1x01: Nightmares (Click on title for episode)
Rachel Roth (series star Malese Jow) is plagued by hellish nightmares, and is pushing away those closest to her, mother Angela (Paget Brewster) and boyfriend Garfield (Connor Paolo) as she tries to deal with them. Instead, she turns to best friend Greta (Evanna Lynch), a girl with her own understanding of how dark the world can be, for solace and understanding. Meanwhile, Sebastian Blood (James Patrick Stuart), the leader of the mysterious Church of Blood, works to keep Rachel safe from the dangers that threaten her.

1x02: Encounters (Click on title for episode)
A mugging while on the way to a frat party leads Rachel, Greta and Garfield Logan to meeting the handsome Zachary Zatara (David Henrie), another magic-user. The Church of the Midnight Dawn takes it's first steps towards destroying Trigon's instruments on this plane of existence.

1x03: Oblivion
1x04: Projections
1x05: Abracadabra
1x06: Secrets

Arc Two
1x07: Harm
1x08: Blood
1x09: Substance
1x10: Emanations
1x11: Counterstrike
1x12: Zenith

This has been a project I've been working on for quite a while, since the late half of Season 1 of "M:SCU", after I finished the episode "Resurrection". Telling Rachel's story has been something I wanted to do since "Trinity" sadly came to an end. The webisode format appealed because it meant I wasn't splitting my focus between two full-length episode projects, and when I've hit a roadblock or a stumbling point in any "M:SCU" episode, I've turned to whichever "Raven" webisode I had to work on next.
So far, the first three are complete, and the fourth is outlined as I start work on the fifth. There is an overall minimum 3-sequence plan in motion but I'm open to continuing the stories of all of these character in other ways after those sequences are complete. If picked up by the network, they would air after each season of "M:SCU", with the first sequence airing once Season Two is complete, which I hope will be by the end of the year.
Massive thanks to Darrin McCann for the amazing graphics!

[Jack Malone]

So I just finished reading the pilot, and I'll share a few thoughts on it here.

Personally, I think you're a talented writer and have a great talent in setting in the scene and helping us visualise what's happening — you can really picture certain moments playing out on screen — and that's something that I appreciate whenever I read your work. I do feel like certain things could be edited down to better follow a script format where each line of action is needed to push the story forward and not keep us in a moment for too long, but its a virtual series and so certain liberties are totally fine because we don't have the luxury of seeing these scripts taken from page to screen. But I have noticed a significant improvement in your action and I wanted to kick this review off by noting that because I think it's great, and I know it was a bit of an initial struggle with MSCU. So well done on that front!

As for the episode, I think it's a solid first draft. My main problem with it is that it felt very disconnected — it was almost as if it was just a collection of different scenes pieced together rather than a cohesive story. You had Rachel having these dreams, Garfield being established as an "epic love," and then Angela encountering Sebastian Blood. It was all set-up and no story. And I understand that the webisode format might feel very limiting, but I'd much rather have a pilot that focuses entirely on Rachel with a story behind her than a collection of scenes establishing who the main characters are that sets up story to come later. 

The dream nightmare sequence was definitely full of powerful imagery, and I love the fact that the pilot kicks off with such a compelling series of events to reel us into the story, but the second it pulled away from Rachel was where it started to feel disjointed. I think my main advice for you would be to not worry about jump-cuts and to not worry about seeing Rachel go from discussing her dreams, to being in the next scene and even the scene after that because a webisode format calls for it and she's the main character -- if the nightmare triggers the story, then let's follow Rachel and her response to it. Let's see her with Garfield and hiding things from him rather than telling us that she's not telling him anything, and let's see her and her mother together to establish that dynamic. I feel like if you used Rachel as our guide into the story and introduced the auxiliary characters around her through her then it will tighten up and come together in a way that it just isn't right now.

I also think that the pilot relies too heavily on audiences knowing what happened on MSCU. I'm certainly not caught up yet, and it was a little jarring to read with all these references to what happened prior to this, and full conversations about events that we're not privy to if we're only reading 'Raven.' So I think when you go back over the episode you should look at certain moments and ask whether or not audiences will understand if they haven't read MSCU because there's a difference between a throwaway reference that some people might get and then whole scenes or moments that confuse the audience because they haven't seen the other show, you know? And I think that extends to introducing these characters in the script -- with how old they are, quick little distinctive qualities about them, anything that INTRODUCES them to us (even though they've already been introduced on MSCU). 

Overall, I think it was a solid draft. I think it's clear you understand where you want to take the story and what you want to do with at least the first sequence, but that knowledge has resulted in a pilot that is primarily a set-up for what's to come. I think the pilot - regardless of it being in a limited format - should offer a strong story that utilises it's main character in a way that allows us to connect with them, and want to begin this journey with them. So I'd definitely recommend leaning on her, and maybe trust that we'll come to know and love the supporting characters just as much as the sequence develops. Hopefully this review helps! 

[Alex Matthews]

Hey Jack, thanks for the review! I have to admit, I was a little terrified to read what you wrote after I'd seen that you'd posted on the pitch!!

Thank you so much for both the detailed feedback and the compliments - they're mirror how I feel a lot about your own styles - I've learned a lot reading "Watchtower" and seeing how your own style has evolved since that first episode. I'm pleased to be told that I'm improving myself, especially by you.

I hear what you're saying about how disconnected the scenes feel - it's not something I really thought about until you mentioned it, but I realize now how true it is. Episode 2 I feel reads and flows a lot better, and the outlines for the other following episodes I've already done I hope follow that same pattern. But I will definitely go back and rework the episode - I'm already having some ideas about what I can, taking on board your suggestions.

I LOVED writing the 'nightmare scene' - it was very much inspired by the 'Trigon' arc in the animated "Teen Titans" - that's why Kevn Michael Richardson voices Trigon - he was the voice I heard in my head as I wrote Trigon's dialogue. I do hear you though, about falling back to heavily on "M:SCU" references - you're right, I shouldn't assume a reader will have that knowledge. At the time, I can only assume (it's been a while since I wrote the pilot!) that I thought I was explaining them enough without making them a 'big deal'.

It's just after 2am as I finish writing this, so I think I'll let the ideas for reworking the pilot perculate overnight, but thanks again for the feedback - I'll gladly take some advice from the master!

[Brady Brown]

I think this pitch is pretty well thought out, and it's clear that you have a distinct direction of where you want to take this series. Raven is a great character with a tragic story that I think actually works well in a webisode format rather than a full blown series. I think Jack gave some great advice in terms of where you can take the launching pad of this series, so that's why I've held off on reading the pilot in full. Will you be releasing a new draft of this soon, Alex?

[Alex Matthews]

Hey Brady, thanks for popping in and adding your voice to the thread.

Sadly, I've not had the time/temperament to go back over the Raven pilot of late - I've been sorting out a lot of real life stuff with work and doctors, and it's left me creatively slagged, even thought I know exactly WHAT i want to do to rework the pilot itself. Any and all 'inspiration' has been focused on the "M:SCU" S2 episodes I'm finishing outlining at the moment.

Don't despair though, becuase there WILL be another version released, I just don't want to promise a deadline I may not be able to keep.

[Alex Matthews]

Hoping to rework the pilot/premiere this week, and release it by the Sunday at the latest, fingers crossed!

[Alex Matthews]

Happy to say that after a day of toiling over my laptop, and with many a cup of tea consumed, the newest edition of 1x01: Nightmares is now available on the main pitch post

[The Doctor]

Jul 27, 2017 14:02:18 GMT -6 Alex Matthews said:

Happy to say that after a day of toiling over my laptop, and with many a cup of tea consumed, the newest edition of 1x01: Nightmares is now available on the main pitch post

Full review will come later, i just have to say that you toom the critiques and crafted a damn good first episode and i cant wait to see what comes next. Keep on trucking pal 😁

[Jack Malone]

I'd have to respectfully disagree with Karl. While there's been an obvious attempt to bring the scenes in together, and fix the criticisms of the pilot feeling quite disjointed, it didn't really tackle the main issue at hand with the first draft, which was that it was all set-up and no clear story.

I wanted to talk about the voice-overs (VO) first. Yes, they definitely stitched things together — especially in making use of the tablet, and it getting into Blood's possession — but I'm not sure if it was better than the first draft. From memory, we got to hear Rachel speak in scenes, and in this one, we just got her thoughts written down. We didn't get to see/feel her dynamics with the supporting cast, but just hear about who they are, and who they are to her through VO's. It's also setting up a dangerous structure — is this a method just to tackle the criticisms in an easy-fix solution, or are VO's going to be a regular aspect of the series? Is this pilot representative of how the show will be written? It just didn't work for me, more so than the previous draft, because I'd rather SEE these interactions, and these dynamics, and these characters, and get a taste of who they are, rather than be told.

As a result of that, the little story that we did get in this episode felt cheapened. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated the way you stitched it together, and I think it was a creative way to address the criticisms, but I'm not convinced that it's the best way to reel us into this story and this world. The VO's about characters we don't even get to hear speak are the equivalent of action lines telling us their age, and a unique descriptor for them. The only character that gets to act in the present was Blood and Angela, and that's a little strange to me because this is Rachel's show — it's her destiny, and it should be her world and her perspective we follow, not Blood's, reading a diary entry and then visiting his ex-wife. So, I think there needs to be a spotlight turned back on Rachel.

I continue to think the nightmare scene — which the episode is titled from — is a really great opening. And I continue to think following Rachel in her response to it would be the best way to offer up a cohesive story, and perhaps SHOW us her dynamics with characters. Maybe look at what you told us in the VO's and see how much of it you can show us instead (eg. if Rachel is hiding things from someone, then lets SEE her not being honest). It really is the whole "show don't tell" thing. I think that's the best way I can put it into words. 

I did want to say, though, that I think the Blood/Theresa scene was a nice addition, and I think it works as a better bookend to the episode than his confrontation with Angela (perhaps that can happen in the second episode). This was a much more chilling, villainous scene, and it gave that validation towards the nightmare that tells us that it's more than just... you know, a nightmare. There's purpose behind it. And so I definitely think that was a great addition, and as I said, I think that works best as Blood's ONLY scene in the episode. It sets him up as a villain, and as a threat, it leaves the "personally" as a rather chilling and ominous set-up, and I think it would make audiences want to go, "what the hell is he going to do" and check out the second episode. But again, most importantly, it addresses the "nightmare" that feeds into a story and links us back to how the episode opened. I just want that story to be more cohesive and more about Rachel, because in this draft, we don't really get a sense of who she is, nor do we really get a feel for the characters around her. 

Hopefully this helped. I think there's definitely been some improvements — the Blood/Theresa scene, specifically — and I think there's a lot there to just play around with and structure a little differently, but ultimately I'd like more on Rachel, and being shown who these people are, who they are to certain people, what this world is, and not have to be told it in a series of VO's. And I hope what I've said isn't disheartening or knocks the inspiration out of you. As I said, there's a lot here, and in that first draft, that works, and I think in laying out certain things in those VO's, you've got some ideas about how each dynamic works, and so ultimately, it's about translating that same information through SHOWING it and not telling it. 

[Alex Matthews]

Hey Jack Malone and The Doctor thanks for your posts!

Karl, I look forward to that full review!

Jack, thank you for your honesty. I'll admit I was a tad disheartened when I first started reading your thoughts, but now m brain is already thinking "challenge accepted!" and is going through possible alterations. I'm glad I still have the original outline, because a couple of those scenes might come back...
Personally, I don't think VOs would have been a big part of the show moving forward - having already written Eps 2 and 3 and outlined 4, they weren't even part of the drawing boards, but they came to mind as a why of 'stitching' (as you say) things together. It wasn't meant as a 'quick fix' intentionally but perhaps thats what they came out as.
I'm glad you liked the Blood/Theresa scene - even if the voiceovers are replaced, I'll keep that scene in, and I think I could possibly move the Angela/Blood scene (or at least repurpose it slightly) for a later episode, perhaps 2, once I remind myself of it's running time/length.
Without giving away potential spoilers...

SPOILER: Click to show

I will add that Blood may be a creep, and a little evil, but he's by no means the 'villain' of this part of the story. He's more an 'anti-hero' for the moment.

[Alex Matthews]

Criminey! Didn't realize it had been this long since I posted any updates! Rest assured this project/pitch is still active - I'm currently taking a break from being stuck on the MSCU 2x08 outline to rework Raven 1x01. I may even post Ep2 along with it

[Alex Matthews]

THIS JUST IN: New (and hopefully final) version of the pilot is now available!! Also included Ep 2 for your enjoyment as well.

[Alex Matthews]

hey peeps, just wondering if I'll be hearing any feedback on the latest version of the pilot?

[Brady Brown]

Sorry this took so long to get posted. Life has been crazy!

Onto the pilot -- I want to preface by saying I don't really remember the first drafts and what was changed/kept the same -- it felt a lot more like an episode halfway through the season. I think more focus on Rachel and less on Angela would be really beneficial for a pilot. Maybe follow Rachel as she goes to the party (which, I see from the description is in episode 2; maybe switch the Angela/Blood conflict from ep 1 with the frat party in 2 as a suggestion), have her interact more with Greta and Gar as opposed to introducing Blood and his conflict with Angela. I think the reveal for Blood could be saved for either the end of the pilot or somewhere in episode 2. I just think more focus on Rachel on what she's dealing with would make this a lot stronger, because right now it's lacking a solid conflict for Rachel to deal with in the pilot itself (as opposed to the opening scene which, I'm assuming, is a season long journey).

That being said, I really loved the relationship established between Greta and Rachel, and pretty much the scenes with Rachel were where the pilot was particularly strong and effective.

Hope this helps! Looking forward to seeing what you come up with and what other people think

[Jack Malone]

In every draft, there seems to be very similar problems -- there's the "nightmare" that delivers a little bit of story then is dropped altogether, Rachel disappears from the story as the central protagonist to make way for Angela, and a balance is thrown by the focus on Blood and Angela that carries us to the end of the episode. Maybe Brady's suggestions will help with some of those where mine haven't. 

You're trying to establish the characters, their dynamics, set-up the season, and deliver a story all in one, and the story is what's being sacrificed in order to set-up larger parts of the season. My feedback so far has really been about nailing the story above all else. And if you look at this episode and go "what is it about" there isn't really a definitive answer that resembles a specific story. I wish I could say "That's the episode where Rachel has this apocalyptic nightmare that's affecting her life and she's trying to find a way to deal with it." Instead, it's Rachel having a nightmare, brushing it off to introduce us to Angela, and her conflict with Blood. It's a bit unbalanced, and doesn't see the main story through. Also, it came off a little choppy in this draft. I know I said something along the lines of not having to worry too much about jumping to the next scene, but that was really about following Rachel as the protagonist if you needed to have her be with Greta in one scene, then Garfield in the next. It felt a bit choppy with Angela's introduction, and then jumping to Angela again at the end. 

The episode talked about Garfield not really knowing Rachel's having these nightmares, and introduced us to their relationship through a random flashback. I think it'd be better to SHOW us what is said (and done through a flashback), and that way you'd SHOW us that Garfield and Rachel are an item, Garfield is being kept out of the loop, and it would be an extension of the main story, which stems from that nightmare. It's little changes like that which can really tighten things up and have it play out more as a story and less as a sequence of scenes to set up the rest of the sequence. Also, I'm not a big fan of setting up their romance by having a character tell us they're end-game. So I think showing us the dynamic is better than learning about it through other characters. 

With Brady's suggestion, perhaps the nightmare affects Rachel when she goes out partying, and we see that she truly can't escape what she saw and what she's been seeing. I don't know. I just think there needs to be a beginning, middle and an end to this story, and we're kind of just getting a beginning that turns into a different story at the end. 

What I loved, though, was seeing some of that feedback taken on board when it comes to Rachel and Greta. Their discussion of the nightmare provided more relevance to the story, and to the opening. They also have a really nice dynamic and I think you leant into that really well in this version of the pilot. 

With Blood, I think you establish him as a threat, or an antagonist, or even just someone of interest to keep an eye out for in the future, when he has that photograph of them on the tablet. To bring him back in at the end with his confrontation of Angela, and the cryptic speech -- it plays into the imbalance of the episode. I'm genuinely so impressed by his first scene, and said that with the last draft, and instead of removing him completely to focus entirely on Rachel, I think it should definitely be kept (especially as it also is technically focusing on Rachel).

Ultimately, I'm just seeing the same problem packaged a little bit differently with each new draft. So I'm sorry if I sound very repetitive with the previous reviews, but it's kind of felt the same for me. Hopefully I've explained my thoughts well, and this helps.  

[Alex Matthews]

Thanks for the feedback, guys! Hmm, you've both given me some food for thought. Jack, I think you have a point about it being 'packaged' a little differently, and I have an idea about how to change that now, which will affect Ep 2, and I think that is what has been stopping me from changing too much of the premiere's core structure.

Will try and have a stab at things/ideas later - got a doctor's appointment later, and currently outlining MSCU 2x10 as well, but hearing some fresh comments has inspired me!

[Alex Matthews]

Okay, so I have reworked the premiere, but I wont post it just yet, as I want to go straight into reworking Eps 2 and 3, as they will now be affected by what has happened in Ep 1. So glad I never delete any drafts/outlines, as it makes reworking and moving scenes between episodes so much easier!

[Alex Matthews]

UPDATE: A new version of the premiere (and Ep 2) is available. I think I've finally addressed Jack and Brady's comments, and gotten to the core of what the episode is about. Enjoy!!