Post by Jay Paterson on Jun 3, 2021 21:25:02 GMT -6
1.01 | Town of Darkness
I spent tonight reading your updated draft of episode one and you really did a great job tightening this up and bringing down the page count. The story felt more concise by taking away the witch parts and unnecessary little scenes and solely focusing on saving Harper, the conflict between the sisters and Shannon's dynamic with her new friends.
I've not much more to add to what I've already said about the pilot. It's a great start to a supernatural series and poses lots of questions whilst hinting at larger mythology so I'm excited to dive right on in. Shannon is a standout and Emily is a fast favourite. I can't wait to find out more about these characters.
1.02 | Wolf Moon
My first taste of more Beacon Hallows and it's a good one.
We open on episode 2 shortly after the end of episode 1. Mrs Potts is dead and a sombre Shannon saying her goodbyes. Not gonna lie but the fact that Mrs Potts has the same episode count as Chad and Thad pisses me off...
I am so happy you moved the dream sequence from the pilot to the beginning of this one. It made for a rounder story. Although it was interesting in the pilot, it pushed the story of this episode forward more and ultimately paid off from a quick switcheroo. This episode felt like it was Emily and Shannon's story. They both take centre stage in this one and it was a nice balance between friends who technically should be on opposite sides. I've mentioned how Emily has become a quick favourite of mine and this episode only proves that fact. The scenic visions which introduced Aemilia, an ancestor of Emily who is here to guide her along with a sea of people who have come before them, read incredibly well and I could picture every moment of it. Right down to the dead rising from the cracks of the earth. But this was the catalyst for Emily's story this episode and it's what introduced us to her mother Violet, who in my option had the best line of dialogue in the whole episode - "I’m sure this isn’t the first gun you’ve seen, Cujo." - She will be the driving force between conflict amongst what she believes to be a good and bad and possible conflict between our new-found besties down the line. I cant say I'm a fan of Voilet given the ending but we'll get to that shortly.
It was nice to see Shannon succumb to the full moon. She's not your usual werewolf, she's immortal and has been around a hell of a lot longer than your average wolf so I wasn't sure if a full moon would affect her or even be a weakness. But this poses a few questions? Why hasn't she got this under control yet? Is there more to the story. From her brief interactions with her sister it is mentioned that she has tried to live a normal life, so does that have something to do with it? Has she pushed this side of herself so far back that it controls her and not the other way about. Shannon essentially became out big bad of the episode which wasn't what I was expecting at all. It was nice to see Isobel take a back seat with a few flash appearances because you know that with all of Shannon's issues keeping them busy she is planning something even bigger. Sadly, Harper became the victim yet again but this time of the other sister. Which she seemingly thinks makes them even considering she stabbed Shannon. I guess she's right as neither of them really had control over what they were doing. It was also nice to find out a bit more about Isobel's powers of compulsion and how she controls this.
Matt seems likes a solid guy so far but there are a few things that irk me about him. I feel like I need just a little bit more from him. He is certainly coming out of his shell especially taking all of these new revelations head on whilst being on hand to shoot Shannon anytime she needs to be. Lol. He seems a good friend to Emily, even keeping a secret from her mum as if he knew that he should keep it from her. I think that was a good call. The only parts of Matt that took me out of the story was when he asked Shannon at the lunch table about Vampire blood. It did seem out of the blue and not something I'd expect him to bring up knowing nothing about vampires yet. I think maybe having him mention how strange it was that Harper is making such a miraculous recovery which the doctors can't explain and then Shannon filling in the banks would have made the most sense as she is in the know. The part after this when Shannon is stabbed by Harper and he has her calm down by breathing took me out of it a little bit. You recovered this by having him explain how he knew to do it in the next act, which was nice because I began calling him the wolf whisperer. I think I would have maybe liked to see him take a panic attack earlier on or something that showed me him taking control of his breathing so I could have put two and two together as soon as I saw it instead of it being explained afterwards. It wasn't a big deal though just some food for thought. I do like how comfortable he has been with his weapons in the past two episodes, it seems to run in the family.
Justin's really came into his own in this episode with his one-liners. I'm really looking forward to him getting more screen time and delving into his story. Not too much to say about him right now other than he is a load of fun to read.
With help from Voilet, our gang have devised a plan to trap Shannon before her full moon rampage leads to her killing someone. I enjoyed learning more about the witches and the mythology around this with the bullet, the wolfsbane and hellfire ash and it came together nicely with their plan-- the bait, the witch, the shot, the trap. A well-executed plan which turned out nicely and left for a lovely ending with our core characters and nice backing track. That is until you know what... I mentioned it earlier and I knew I didn't like her. I'm very interested in seeing how this plays out and what type of strain this puts on Emily's relationships. And the teacher is involved?
A great episode, Matthew, so well done. I look forward to reading some more in the coming weeks. Consider me a fan.
CREATOR The Wolfpack | Dropouts
SHOWS I'VE WORKED ON Winchester | The Path Not Taken
Post by Matthew James on Jun 9, 2021 15:03:18 GMT -6
Hey Jay, I haven't gotten to respond to this yet (though you and I have discussed things a bit). I just wanted to say thanks for reading, and I'm happy to hear you're enjoying the ride. Be warned that this will be a SPOILER-filled message!
When you guys suggested moving the Witch stuff to episode two it was such a good idea, and I really appreciated It. It made more sense to have charcters like Violet and Amelia have all their stuff in this episode, as opposed to do like one scene per episoed. I'm glad you found a favorite in Emily. It's interesting Emily is the easiest character to write and Violet was such an interesting... "Learning experience" lol. But like you mentioned she provides one of the central points of conflict here, and we get some twists and turns from this dynamic. That I don't want to spoil yet!
Bringing us to Shannon, I always knew she was going to have trouble with turning, especially where it relates to anger. If I'm being honested I was definately insipred by the Teen Wolf OG pilot here. There was a line in it at the end of pilot when Scott turns that said something like. He is no longer a sixteen year old boy. He is a hulking monster. He is the danger. I knew Shannon needed to become the antagonist early, and that she would go up against "the heroes". This way when charactes like Violet talk about how dangerous Shannon is, the kids have lived the danger, and can understand the fear she has.
We've talked about Matt a bit, I get where you're coming from with him. I think the strong silent type trope doesn't work so well for Virtual Series lol. But I promise you, he will get more dialogue and more personality soon! The concept was as he gets more comfortable with these (mostly) new people, and he starts to open up a bit more, it just takes time to pay off haha. You mentioned his comfortablity with guns, which was interesting prosses. I knew I wanted him to be a gun weilder, he isn't the physical fighter Shannon is, and he doesn't have a connection to magic like Emily, so he needed a thing. Guns allowed him to stay at a distance and helps him feel safe(r), cause he's got some defence. There was originally an idea that he'd get like a new weapon every episode so he can build an arsonal of his own. That kind of drops off after episode 03, he picks something up to get +3 to damage haha. I feel like I should have you screen the episodes ahead. You have great ideas, oh well! What's done is done.
Justin is a lot of fun to write for, I'm glad his jokes are working out. Every time I get to a Justin line and I'm like oh he needs to make with the funny here. I walk around my house for like 20 minutes trying to come up with a good one-liner. It's actually far easier to be sassy with Harper than funny with Justin. As far as seeing more from him. He plays a pretty vital role within the group so you'll get to see more from him soon as well!
The end of the episode was the second thing I knew I wanted to do, make Shannon the threat, and than make her "The captive" it forces Matt and Justin to step up a bit, and we'll get to see how they operate without their Tank!
Violet definately goes a bridge to far, huh? Let's just say you'll get everything you want. And the teacher's involved? This was originally Ben's first scene and he wasn't going to be a teacher. I just thought him being a teacher gave the imperssion that anyone could be involved in this world and you wouldn't have a clue.
I loved reading your review Jay, thanks for taking the time! My hope is to make it very worth it
Creator Connor | Winchester | Beacon Hallows
Currently Working on [Editing] Beacon Hallows 1.07 [Writing] Beacon Hallows 2.07
Post by Darrin McCann on Jun 14, 2021 17:03:18 GMT -6
REVIEW - 1.02 'Bad Moon Rising'
The opening gives the reader a little bit of everything, drama, mystery, action, suspense. That's what makes a good opening, in my opinion, one that grabs the readers attention from the get go, and you did a great job here.
The following scene with Harper is a little confusing for me, has time past since her interaction with Isobel to her interaction with Cassie? I mean Cassie does talk about seeing her yesterday but is that in regards to a time between the Pilot and this episode, or was yesterday a time within this script? The whole thing had me a bit confused.
I'm really interested to know more about the adults back stories in this series. They all seem like they have seen some stuff and are not afraid to take on the forces of darkness. Violet's gun-toting scene made me think that bad stuff has happen to her. Instead of playing it safe and not letting Shannon know, she knows her secret, right from the get go there is animosity and of course a gun is drawn. I love that Emily stood up for her friend, I mean the girl did find her in the woods and brought her home for crying out loud. HAHA! Violet eventually gives me the back story I so crave, just a snippet though, and decides she's going to help. It's interesting that she confides in Matt that she can see the future and that in fact she saw this moment, It's not until the end that we see Violet's 'helpfulness' for what it truly was.
I love that Shannon is the 'villain' of this episode. I mean, sure, Isobel made a few appearances, and the ending reveals the true villain, but Shannon becomes the unintentional villain, and Isobel the unlikely hero or at the very lease someone who doesn't want Shannon causing trouble and drawing attention. Shannon unwillingly succumbs to the pull of the Full Moon. I was kind of wondering how that worked with her. I also wasn't sure if it had something to do with Isobel and when Harper stabbed her with the silver letter opener. My first thought was what did Isobel do to that letter opener, that monster. Lol. But, after her interactions with Matt and Emily, I now know that not to be true. In fact Isobel wants to help... mind you for selfish reasons, but still. Plot twist. I was a little upset that she didn't live up to that wanting to help. I was really looking forward to an unlikely, temporary partnership between the gang and Isobel. I'm interested to find out what she meant by 'Not the enemy you all think I am'.
Harper is starting to grow on me. At first, she gave me Season One Caroline Forbes vibes from Vampire Diaries, but as the episode progressed I realized she's more than some superficial, 'valley-girl'esque character and that hopefully as the series progresses we can touch more on that side of her. Her bickering with the gang about being the bait made me laugh.
'What. The. Hell. Happened. (beat) Did someone shoot me?' is probably my favorite line in this episode. HAHA! I may have snorted upon reading it. It definitely brought some of that comedy that supernatural dramas need to have because you're dealing with much darker themes than most regular shows.
That ending makes me excited for what's to come. It was a great setup for what I feel will be a great next episode.
CREATOR Bitten | Sally | The Boogeyman | Paradise Lost
SHOWS I'VE WORKED ON PRODUCER The Wolfpack | The Super Teens (Season One) GRAPHIC ARTIST M:SCU (Season Two) BETA READER M:SCU (Season Two) | Bionic (Season One/Season Two)
CURRENTLY IN PRODUCTION Paradise Lost 1.09 - So Long, Bethlehem