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Post by Jack Malone on Feb 19, 2012 2:11:58 GMT -6
So, Chris has been telling me to read/review this script for a while now, and I've had a lot of troubles getting into it, but I finally finished tonight, and here's my review: "Carry Me Home" has a wonderful concept. Where a lot of pilots tend to go wrong is in its story -- a lot of the time, people are trying to set everything up, and tease whats going to happen down the track, and tease all the great things you'll eventually see should the show be picked up. But this pilot gives us all that in a story that has a beginning, middle, and end.
The pilot introduced us to Henry Marsh - a seemingly bland character with a lot of potential for growth and development. The best character in the script, in my eyes, was Steven Powers. The back and forth banter between the two was great, and they played off each other brilliantly. These were the two standouts. Henry is so average, and so (in a good way) dull that the impact of this inheritance is amplified to such a high level that it really makes you believe in his response, and reaction to such a fortune being handed down. And Steven, the nothing-is-what-it-appears-to-be character, was so fun to read, and it was heartbreaking when we learned pieces of his past in that final act.
Unfortunately, while the concept was great, and the characters were icing on the cake, it was a real struggle trying to get roped into the story, and find something that would hold my interest. It wasn't until Henry receives the will that I actually got excited, and pulled in, and that doesn't happen until well after page 40. I've always heard writers say that your first page needs to pull the reader in, if not, the second -- but it just didn't happen. While it seems important now to show how average Henry's life is, perhaps the pilot could have began with this life-changing moment, and spend the first half leading up to it, and showing us who Henry is. That said, I like the ambiguity of the Teaser, in that we seemingly start at the end. But that didn't really have an impact on me until I finished the script.
Another aspect of the pilot I didn't like was the technical side of the script. The paragraphs could have been broken up more easily, and the heavy detail on descriptions gets very destracting. I agree with Chris in that it can sometimes feel like you're reading prose, and I would really love to see a revised pilot with only the necessities in the action. Hell, a lot of TV Scripts only have one line worth of action breaking up the dialogue in a scene. While your attention to detail is spectacular and you're quite talented in really giving us everything you can see/want to see in a scene ... a lot of it is unnecessary. For example, if Henry is parking a car, you don't have to layer that with two lines of description -- "Henry parks the car, and exits the vehicle" is just fine.
Overall, the concept, story, and characters were superb, and I'm really excited to see where Henry's journey takes us, and what tasks he'll be asked to complete with this newfound fortune. However, the slow nature the plot moved in made it hard to keep interest, and the technical side of the script could have used some work. Ultimately, I did enjoy it. And I would love to see a revised script before making a final decision, but this show has a lot of potential, and as I've said, you've got all the key elements: original concept, amazing story, and fantastic characters!
8/10. |
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Post by Aimee Nicole on Feb 20, 2012 2:13:39 GMT -6
I just read Jack and Chris' review for the pilot episode for this, and I feel like I need to come in and say a few things as well. I can't really do a full on, in-depth review of the pilot at the moment, though I really want to and intend to do so as I've read the episode a good three times XD
I have the attention span of a 2-year-old child, as most of you know, and Monica your pilot episode managed to keep me hooked in throughout. Your writing is damn near flawless, a true, true talent, and your characters are always amazing. There is a REASON I hooked you in to be one of my writers, you know. You didn't just get the job for being my secret, undercover lover, despite any false pretenses I had you under >.>
I can say that while it is almost prose-like in a lot of places, I can't really count you down for that. For one, I do it too. GOD do I do it too. Description is my best friend and I feel naked without it, so the fact that you have a lot of it doesn't bother me. It makes everything easier for me to picture. I'm not a very imaginative person, I'm more visual unless I'm the one doing the writing. I'm actually glad that you write that way, because to me it makes it more enjoyable. I know you worked really hard and I think the excellence of everything else in the script makes up for any lengthiness. It's your writing style, and I've been writing with you for...over two years, isn't it? I would kinda feel odd to see you write any differently. But, that's just my opinion.
I love what you have here. I hate reading drama. I HATE IT, but you have made me love this already. Henry is such an interesting character in his own right, and each of your characters are very well-thought out and you can tell you put a lot of care into all of them, even minor ones. I think some people forget to do that, and it's okay, but it makes it all the better when you can tell you love all of your characters, you know? I can't wait to watch these characters unfold and to see what you have in store for them. I'm excited for this series, more than I think you know XD
All in all, I give this episode a 9/10. Your characters are amazing and well-thought out, all very interesting in their own right. Your story, intriguing and a fantastic concept. You always have some of the best ideas. You have the start of an awesome series right here, and it's something that I would definitely, without a doubt, follow religiously. Best of luck to you, babe. ^^
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Post by skittles on Feb 23, 2012 2:51:15 GMT -6
So, Chris has been telling me to read/review this script for a while now, and I've had a lot of troubles getting into it, but I finally finished tonight, and here's my review: "Carry Me Home" has a wonderful concept. Where a lot of pilots tend to go wrong is in its story -- a lot of the time, people are trying to set everything up, and tease whats going to happen down the track, and tease all the great things you'll eventually see should the show be picked up. But this pilot gives us all that in a story that has a beginning, middle, and end.
The pilot introduced us to Henry Marsh - a seemingly bland character with a lot of potential for growth and development. The best character in the script, in my eyes, was Steven Powers. The back and forth banter between the two was great, and they played off each other brilliantly. These were the two standouts. Henry is so average, and so (in a good way) dull that the impact of this inheritance is amplified to such a high level that it really makes you believe in his response, and reaction to such a fortune being handed down. And Steven, the nothing-is-what-it-appears-to-be character, was so fun to read, and it was heartbreaking when we learned pieces of his past in that final act.
Unfortunately, while the concept was great, and the characters were icing on the cake, it was a real struggle trying to get roped into the story, and find something that would hold my interest. It wasn't until Henry receives the will that I actually got excited, and pulled in, and that doesn't happen until well after page 40. I've always heard writers say that your first page needs to pull the reader in, if not, the second -- but it just didn't happen. While it seems important now to show how average Henry's life is, perhaps the pilot could have began with this life-changing moment, and spend the first half leading up to it, and showing us who Henry is. That said, I like the ambiguity of the Teaser, in that we seemingly start at the end. But that didn't really have an impact on me until I finished the script.
Another aspect of the pilot I didn't like was the technical side of the script. The paragraphs could have been broken up more easily, and the heavy detail on descriptions gets very destracting. I agree with Chris in that it can sometimes feel like you're reading prose, and I would really love to see a revised pilot with only the necessities in the action. Hell, a lot of TV Scripts only have one line worth of action breaking up the dialogue in a scene. While your attention to detail is spectacular and you're quite talented in really giving us everything you can see/want to see in a scene ... a lot of it is unnecessary. For example, if Henry is parking a car, you don't have to layer that with two lines of description -- "Henry parks the car, and exits the vehicle" is just fine.
Overall, the concept, story, and characters were superb, and I'm really excited to see where Henry's journey takes us, and what tasks he'll be asked to complete with this newfound fortune. However, the slow nature the plot moved in made it hard to keep interest, and the technical side of the script could have used some work. Ultimately, I did enjoy it. And I would love to see a revised script before making a final decision, but this show has a lot of potential, and as I've said, you've got all the key elements: original concept, amazing story, and fantastic characters!
8/10. Though it was not really my intentions for readers to struggle through my script, I greatly apologize regardless. I was not hoping to bore anyone or feel as though they have to push themselves just to get to the end. However, your review does put a lot of things in perspective for me. Despite having a few good things right with the script, there seems to be a lot that I have done wrong, including the depth to which I have my descriptions laid out. And we can talk about revising it and cutting it down. But the mere thought sort of.... feels like I am betraying myself in some way. Description in writing is my life. Writing is my life, and asking me to revise something if only to cut it down, is like asking me to change my writing style. Something I cannot do. And will not do, no matter who is asking. And for that I must apologize. It might sound stubborn, quite possibly rude, but that too is not my intentions. I just feel if I changed anything, stinted the descriptions, I would be pleasing everyone else but me. Everyone knows, when writing, the first person you must please is yourself. I took a HUGE risk in making a script, a drama of all types, which is ENTIRELY out of my comfort zone and chances like that don't always work out in your favor, this time included. Though I appreciate the fact you took time to read, I just simply cannot change my writing style for any reason. But I thank you again for the review! :3 |
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Amin
VPN Community Member
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Post by Amin on Feb 23, 2012 3:01:10 GMT -6
^... Monica, I think you may be overreacting a bit now...
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Amin
VPN Community Member
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Post by Amin on Feb 23, 2012 3:06:41 GMT -6
^So you just drop it? You don't even try to make your case? Try to convince them to accept your writing style just the way it is? I'm sorry, I know it's none of my business... and this is going to sound really cliched, but this was kind of a stab in the gut to wake up and read...
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Post by Jack Malone on Feb 23, 2012 3:37:33 GMT -6
Though it was not really my intentions for readers to struggle through my script, I greatly apologize regardless. I was not hoping to bore anyone or feel as though they have to push themselves just to get to the end. However, your review does put a lot of things in perspective for me. Despite having a few good things right with the script, there seems to be a lot that I have done wrong, including the depth to which I have my descriptions laid out. And we can talk about revising it and cutting it down. But the mere thought sort of.... feels like I am betraying myself in some way. Description in writing is my life. Writing is my life, and asking me to revise something if only to cut it down, is like asking me to change my writing style. Something I cannot do. And will not do, no matter who is asking. And for that I must apologize. It might sound stubborn, quite possibly rude, but that too is not my intentions. I just feel if I changed anything, stinted the descriptions, I would be pleasing everyone else but me. Everyone knows, when writing, the first person you must please is yourself. I took a HUGE risk in making a script, a drama of all types, which is ENTIRELY out of my comfort zone and chances like that don't always work out in your favor, this time included. Though I appreciate the fact you took the time to force yourself through it, I must conclude that it will be the first and last time you will have to. I just simply cannot change my writing style for any reason. I thank everyone for the support and taking the time to read this. I will not be pursuing any future endeavors on the VPN, however I will continue my creative consultant support to the Outcasts, LOTLD and of course The Path Not Taken to the best of my ability. Thanks again. :3 Its a shame you're not going to continue this, because as I said in my review, the concept, characters, story and setup were all superb. Everyone does have their own writing style, and I'm not in any way trying to force you to change the way you write. I, myself, am always trying to learn more about scriptwriting, and always trying to improve, and figure out how I'm going to work on these skills that I've seen in so many scripts. But the way I write a script is different to how I'd write a short story, or any other kind of prose. And my main problem with this particular pilot was the line betweens script/prose seemed to blur, and it felt like a combination of both. I hope you understand that I did not "force" myself to get to the end, or that the pilot was in anyway "boring." As someone who isn't as engaged in drama as an action series, or a comedy, or sci-fi, its hard for me to get heavily invested, but Chris recommended this pilot to me, telling me how great the concept of it truly was. I, personally, didn't find something to latch onto until the will came into it. Up until then, Steven Powers was the main character to keep me reading. I don't understand why you've decided to put this project behind you, based on, what looks to be, my review alone. Aimee, Chris, and another member of the forum have left rather positive reviews, and it seems like such a waste to throw this behind, when despite my issues, I too think this series has all the great elements of a TV show. But, it is your decision. Since I started here on the VPN, all the way back with 'Faith the Vampire Slayer', my writing has changed and evolved the more and more I wrote, and it took a while for me to adjust from prose to script. My scripts are in no way perfect, far from it, but like I said, I'm constantly learning more and more through reading TV Scripts, and Screenplays, and practising more in 'script form' rather than 'prose.' Everyone, at one point, is forced to revise their script, and make changes, and its soley my opinion that the descriptions in the pilot were too heavy, and prose-based. Lately, whenever I finish a script, I go back and edit over it to rephrase any descriptions that are too heavy, or prose-based so it reads better, whilst still trying to keep the images I want the audience to see. I'm not asking you to butcher your script, only cut out the unnecessary descriptions that drag on a bit too far. I hope you know that I think you're a brilliant writer, and as a person who isn't a huge fan of drama, I was really excited about Carry Me Home. Again, its a shame you're not continuing, and I hope you change your mind. |
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Post by Aimee Nicole on Feb 23, 2012 7:46:21 GMT -6
Monica, please don't discontinue your series. You're a brilliant writer, and the story you have here is both amazing and unique. You had plenty of positive responses to your series, and despite a few things, Jack's was still pretty positive as well. You don't need to change your writing style for anyone, it was only a suggestion. After all, this is your first dabble into screenwriting and you're so used to prose that of course it's an awkward transition -- I know that from experience. You'll get into it and it'll naturally "fix itself", I guess you can say. I personally don't think you need to cut down the script, because I know the situation you're in. I can think of just as many reasons to keep it the same as Jack can think of for why it should be cut down but the truth is that when it comes down to it, the decision is ultimately yours -- we just make suggestions.
That said, I think that you should definitely continue pursuing this. It would be a great addition to the VPN lineup, and it's sure to be a hit. Don't be discouraged because of things that we may or may not say, because like I said it's your decision whether you want to take any of the suggestions given. It's your writing, you do what you will to it. No one can make you do anything different. I really think you have a great thing here, and you know Maddie thinks the same thing. Don't let this amazing idea go to waste. <3
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Post by Aimee Nicole on Feb 23, 2012 14:09:42 GMT -6
And after reading what Monica wrote again, I realize...I look a damn fool. I'm glad you decided to continue pursuing it, Monica. As I said before, this would be a fantastic addition to the lineup and your writing is damn epic all the time. It would be a shame to lose you as a potential (though I'm sure you WILL be picked up) showrunner.
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Post by skittles on Feb 23, 2012 14:22:40 GMT -6
I am sorry to run you through a loop Jack. But when I first posted my response to your review. I had thought I was doing the most rational thing possible. Dropping my show for the simple matter in changing from prose to script. Or finding a middle ground I can safely stand on and still be satisfied with. I wasn't sure if one was possible, so what I did was rationalized. But not really. I always follow the steps into the future and it is almost always terrible. The qualms of an overactive imagination.
So after...being... yelled at by a certain few. I changed my thought pattern to something more workable and constructive. I will pursue it. I am just sorry you quoted the OLD post, rather than the new one Jack. And I am also sorry you thought it was your review that made my first decision. I promise you, it was not. It was my lack of faith in that I can do something properly and the right way. :3
I have no intentions of quitting. Cause... then.. Aimee will kill me...
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Post by Aimee Nicole on Feb 23, 2012 14:25:33 GMT -6
Damn right I'll kill you. >.> And I know exactly where to hide the body and no one will never, ever, ever, never find it. Actually, I don't, BUT. Let's hope I never have to kill you...
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Post by Jack Malone on Feb 23, 2012 14:39:26 GMT -6
Honestly, I'm glad you've decided to keep this project running. It really was one of my favourite pitches/pilots. You ARE a great writer, Monica. But trying to move away from "prose" and adjusting more to how scripts are written is something that you should definitely work on. Its something I worked on, and am still working on. Anyway, I'm glad to see this back!
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Post by Jamison on Feb 23, 2012 15:27:59 GMT -6
Oh, Monica is going to pursue this project? That's great, because I typed a whole essay stating why you should continue it, and had to delete it to not look stupid  haha! I'm really glad you're going to continue the show. It's really amazing. |
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haha! I'm really glad you're going to continue the show. It's really amazing.