Mali Saves The World - PLEASE REVIEW

[Brady Brown]

I understand that you wish for this to be reviewed and critiqued, but many of the showrunners may be busy with their own projects, and may not have the time right now. Making the same pitch over and over, and deleting it when someone doesn't comment on it is not the thing to do. People will eventually come around to reviewing this, when they have the time, but you are going to have to wait. Just thought I would say that first.

Second, why does Ryan take Mali in? Does he just find her and they build a friendship? Does she threaten him? What?

Now, onto the pitch itself:

This could be very interesting, if you put the work into it. Right now, it's fine, but I think parts of your premise could be changed. For one, Ryan's mom just is okay with having a girl live in her home, because she thinks she's a part of an exchange program? She would know if she signed up for something like that.

Now, on to the characters:

Mali. You really should label her power "Telekinesis and Molecular Combustion". It just sounds a bit more professional. That's really all we know. I think these descriptions could be made more interesting, but I do realize you're probably trying to keep a mystery element, so I'll just hold off on that.

The rest of the cast is fine, but could have better descriptions.

Your episodes:

Again, I think you need to state why Ryan takes Mali in. If I found a witch on the side of the road, I wouldn't just let her live with me. Just something to think about. The rest of the episodes do sound interesting, though.

I say these things, not to discourage you, but to help you. If you work really hard on this, then I think people could get into it. Right now it's fine, but it could be made loads better. Best of luck to you!

[mstwprod]

thank you, that comment you made about the exchange programme made me change it. Now Mali lives in the attic and Sophie will be unaware that Mali lives in the house at all

[Kat Q]

As I've said in previous feeds that you have posted, I do like this idea, but I just think it lacks in something. I just feel like there is something missing. I understand it's your own piece and seems to be original to me, and obviously something you're passionate about, I just cannot help looking at it and feeling something is missing.

For starters, I would probably run this through a quick Microsoft Word to sort out a few spelling mistakes, like "telekinesis", and as Brady pointed out, "Molecular Combustion" would sound far more professional, rather than "blows things up". Secondly, I would derive my full attention to the basis of your descriptions and your characters -- they seem to be well thought out, though they do lack in solidness. They don't seem to do anything, and if they were in the series on television, it would seem as if they would just be standing there, rather than interacting or doing much really.

Thirdly, I feel you have generated your idea from "Charmed", definitely, and that is an all-time favourite show of mine, so congratulations to you for coming up with this idea, however what I don't quite understand is, how are the three sister witches actually witches? What is their origin, and if they are on Earth, and not from where Mali is, then what makes Mali so special? -- I would also consider changing Sophie Summers from being a care-free mother, to an a believable mother with a solid structure, because at the moment, it seems like she's just allowing a young, unknown girl stay with her and her SON (where anything could happen -- if you know what I mean) which probably wouldn't be allowed now a-days.

And finally, I would definitely go away and review what you've posted, and tweek some things, and PLEASE, PLEASE focus your attention on this, because it does sound like a very good supernatural teen-drama show, and sounds like something we would see on Disney or Nickelodeon.

Overall, I think you have a good idea, however there are specific things that would be better changed -- and with all due respect, I completely agree with what Brady has said, make sure you wait patiently after you've posted on the VPN because everybody here are really busy, patience is a virtue!

But I send the very best of luck to you, and I do hope you write this and it gets pitched, because it's a very tight and good idea you have here!

Well done, mstwprod!

P.S. -- I would probably change a few episode names:

Episode 9 - No-One Mourns The Wicca

Episode 10 - Once a Witch, Always A Witch.

Because they're real episode names of a fanfiction series by ShiningAllure on YouTube, and may be copyrighted, just a friendly warning! And again, very best of luck!!

[mstwprod]

thanks, but I wasn't really going for a disney, nickelodeon feeling because there will be death in the show I was feeling more of a CW, ABC family vibe

[buffycharmed]

This show seems quite interesting, seems like one of those shows were you could do a mashup, like throw in the super teens bump into mali or something hahahaha

[Aimee Nicole]

Apr 29, 2012 8:26:48 GMT -6 buffycharmed said:

This show seems quite interesting, seems like one of those shows were you could do a mashup, like throw in the super teens bump into mali or something hahahaha

I don't really think a crossover with the Super Teens would work between two people that have never communicated, nor with two series in separate universes. That would be like...Outcasts crossing over with Edge of Vision or something.