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Post by Alex Matthews on May 22, 2013 0:33:32 GMT -6
downloading now, Chris, having just read this pitch, I'm looking forward to reading it - comedy is something I've laways had trouble writing, so I'm looking forward to seeing how you've achieved that  Totally support the idea of an Audition crossover as well  |
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Post by Jamison on May 22, 2013 0:39:50 GMT -6
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts, Alex! I changed a few things from the pitch, for example, the story was originally supposed to be told from Joshua's point of view, but now, it's being told from Drew's. And I pretty much threw the old episode description for the pilot out of the window and have come up with something completely different. I'm pretty new to comedy. This being my very first script that even remotely touches the genre, and I would be too scared to label this show a "comedy" instead of dramedy or just drama with comedic elements. But we'll see how it's received and hopefully you'll get one or two laughs (or at least smirks) out of the script. |
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Post by Jamison on May 22, 2013 11:37:49 GMT -6
Working on episode two now. Don't know if I'll be able to write it as quickly as the pilot (that's funny because I made this pitch over 2 years ago) but I hope to have it done before the week is over.  |
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Post by Jamison on May 22, 2013 13:29:32 GMT -6
*** New Cast Promo + Recast -- Cory Hardrict has been replaced by Tip "T.I" Harris for the role of Shawn Leonidas.
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Post by Brady Brown on May 22, 2013 16:35:07 GMT -6
REVIEW: "Use Your Imagination"Okay, so, I needed a break from studying Math, and I decided that I need to get back to REVIEWING, like majorly. And, seeing as how I am a fan of this pitch, I thought I would give this a read! Prepare for this to be pretty random, because... well, you'll see, I guess. I really enjoy the concept of the entire series. I find Hollywood, and the people that live there, really entertaining, and I think it can make a pretty interesting series (obviously...). I love how you're focusing on the screenwriters aspect of it all, like... a lot. Oodles, even. OODLES. Anyway, I thought the pilot was entertaining, but I think it could have been a bit funnier. I know I shouldn't really be the one to give comedy criticism, but I thought at some parts it was just trying a little too hard to be funny. If I had any advice about that, I would just say don't even try to be funny, and just see what happens (it works for me at least XD)! But it was still funny in parts nonetheless! Example: DREW
David Mayer. He was an E.P on that
NBC show... what was it... Do No
Harm?
JOSHUA
Didn’t that show get axed after
like... two episodes?
DREW
Yeah, what’s your point? Joshua raises his eyebrows. JOSHUA
Just thought I’d state it for the
record. That was my favorite part, haha! Back to the point, I really enjoy the personalities of the two leads! Although, I feel like they were too similar, if that makes sense. I found myself getting a little confused as to who was speaking at some parts, but it wasn't that big of a deal, in my opinion. So, not anything to be too worried about. So, yeah, that's all I really have to say about this at the moment. I know I didn't really talk about that much, I just mainly wanted to talk about those two little problems I had with the pilot. I really enjoyed this, so I hope it didn't sound like I didn't. I really just wanted to focus on the issues since this is a pilot, so... hopefully this was all coherent and not all over the place. GOOD LUCK WITH THIS, KA-RISS 'CUZ I'M ROOTING FOR IT! WOO WOO. 8/10
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Post by Jamison on May 22, 2013 16:51:37 GMT -6
REVIEW: "Use Your Imagination"Okay, so, I needed a break from studying Math, and I decided that I need to get back to REVIEWING, like majorly. And, seeing as how I am a fan of this pitch, I thought I would give this a read! Prepare for this to be pretty random, because... well, you'll see, I guess. I really enjoy the concept of the entire series. I find Hollywood, and the people that live there, really entertaining, and I think it can make a pretty interesting series (obviously...). I love how you're focusing on the screenwriters aspect of it all, like... a lot. Oodles, even. OODLES. Anyway, I thought the pilot was entertaining, but I think it could have been a bit funnier. I know I shouldn't really be the one to give comedy criticism, but I thought at some parts it was just trying a little too hard to be funny. If I had any advice about that, I would just say don't even try to be funny, and just see what happens (it works for me at least XD)! But it was still funny in parts nonetheless! Example: DREW
David Mayer. He was an E.P on that
NBC show... what was it... Do No
Harm?
JOSHUA
Didn’t that show get axed after
like... two episodes?
DREW
Yeah, what’s your point? Joshua raises his eyebrows. JOSHUA
Just thought I’d state it for the
record. That was my favorite part, haha! Back to the point, I really enjoy the personalities of the two leads! Although, I feel like they were too similar, if that makes sense. I found myself getting a little confused as to who was speaking at some parts, but it wasn't that big of a deal, in my opinion. So, not anything to be too worried about. So, yeah, that's all I really have to say about this at the moment. I know I didn't really talk about that much, I just mainly wanted to talk about those two little problems I had with the pilot. I really enjoyed this, so I hope it didn't sound like I didn't. I really just wanted to focus on the issues since this is a pilot, so... hopefully this was all coherent and not all over the place. GOOD LUCK WITH THIS, KA-RISS 'CUZ I'M ROOTING FOR IT! WOO WOO. 8/10
Thanks for giving this a read, Brady! This is unlike anything I've ever attempted to write before, so I was expecting I would stuff up on the funny bits. I personally don't think I'm that funny a person, so writing it was that much harder. But I still wanted to give it a try. I'll take your advice and not try too hard to set up jokes, and such. Hopefully my second draft will be more naturally funny and not feel too forced. I know exactly what you mean about the two main characters sounding too much alike. That was something I was afraid of when I uploaded it and I think I know why. I wrote the script one way (from Joshua's point of view) then switch it completely, changed a few names around and a few phrases, but I didn't do enough to set the two apart. I think before I go to edit the script I'll need to outline both characters; give them individual quirks and personalities, so it'll be easier for me to write them, and easier for the reader to tell the apart. Errors aside, I'm glad you gave it a read and enjoyed it for the most part! XD I'll let you know when I've got a 2nd draft posted. |
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Antonio
New Member
We Run This Motha!
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Post by Antonio on May 22, 2013 17:33:51 GMT -6
Dude, this was very interesting. I could see something coming from this. Seeing how they convince Shawn to get them into the party and how it plays out? Also their buddying writer relationship and best friendship. You could have something there whether a show idea or a movie idea. It was interesting, well written, and I loved every moment of it. Great job. Keep it up!
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Post by Jamison on May 22, 2013 19:13:34 GMT -6
DRAFT TWO is complete and here it is: ninth-spectrum.weebly.com/uploads/6/8/3/8/6838324/screenwriters_paradise_-_1x01_-_draft_2.pdfWent from 9 pages to 12, since I added quite few more voiceovers. Hopefully they aren't confusing. As long as you pay attention to the (V/O) next to the name, I think you'll be fine! (hopefully) Based on your reactions to it, I'm thinking about making voiceovers a larger part of the show. Also, I fixed some of the dialogue, creating more distinction between our two leads. They still probably need a little more work though, as does the actual comedy in the script, which may or may not still seem forced. haha But anyway, again, tell me what you all think Constructive criticism is always welcome. Note: I changed Drew's name to Andrew, just in case this goes forward, I didn't want to confuse people too much with another character named "Drew" since one already exists on "Easy."
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Post by Brady Brown on May 22, 2013 19:51:46 GMT -6
Okay, so, I read the second draft, and thought it was a definite improvement from the first! The comedy was definitely improved upon, and Andrew and Joshua were better established as their own person. But I did like the "wet t-shirt contest" line better than the "fire" one. XD Just a personal preference really. And, if you still think you can improve upon your comedy, another tip I would say is don't be afraid to use CAPS in dialogue, haha. I mean, sure it probably wouldn't be acceptable in a real script, but since this is all reading, I wouldn't have a problem with it. I mean I do it myself anyway. XD Although I thought it was better, I thought some of the V.O., particularly the ones where Andrew just says what's on his mind "he had a point." I didn't really care for the ones like that, but I like the fact that you're doing the whole V.O. things, and thought it worked for the most part. But yes, much better! I LOVE IT.
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Post by Jamison on May 22, 2013 20:21:24 GMT -6
Brady, you're just FULL of awesome advice! hahaha I took out some of the voiceovers. The ones that were not needed to convey what needed to be conveyed. After looking back, most of the reaction voiceovers were just adding to the characters physical reaction. So, I agree with you there. One or two of the reaction V.O's stuck around, but the more pointless ones are gone.
Thanks again, Brady, for your feedback and support! XD
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2013 6:11:42 GMT -6
Looks very nice! I'm just about to read the script! I can't wait to see more!
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Post by Jamison on May 27, 2013 0:25:47 GMT -6
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Post by Alex Matthews on May 27, 2013 8:43:35 GMT -6
LOVE the credits, enjoyed the episode immensely, read it during a render of our little secret project , thought the comedy in moments was well placed, like the 'DICK' letters, enjoyed the voiceover points, although I understand and agree with what Brady said as well. Especially like the character of Joshua, who seems to lack a mental 'edit' button, and seems to say exactly what he's thinking. |
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Post by Jamison on May 27, 2013 11:59:50 GMT -6
Thanks, Alex! Glad you liked the opening and the pilot! xD I'm a little surprised I've been getting people that actually think it's even a little funny, because I'm not really that into sitcoms and stuff like that on TV, so I didn't even really know if I could pull the comedy off. Glad I somewhat did. One of the reasons I switched the point of views of the voiceovers was because like you said, Joshua always says exactly what's on his mind, so giving the voiceovers to Andrew seemed more appropriate. Besides, I think Andrew is easier to relate to. Thanks for the feedback! |
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Post by Jamison on May 30, 2013 16:48:58 GMT -6
So, I just read the pilot for and thought it was... GREAT! I loved the dynamic between the two leads, Andrew the shy guy and Joshua the extremely racist playboy. haha. I think they will bounce off one another well in future episodes. Joshua seems to be my favorite so far but that's just because of how cocky and fun he can be. Even though Andrews the quiet one I can really see him pushing things along on the comical front. Sure Joshua is bound to have all the one liners but I feel Andrew will be the one getting them into some hilarious situations. A real go-getter, that's what I got from the pilot anyway. I felt like some of the dialogue could be a bit of a mouthful at points, but I'm not sure if that just the way people talk in Miami. Overall, great pilot. This is a show I would definitely be tuning in every week to read. So I'm excited to read more. Also, have you ever thought of making this a full length sit-com? I mean I could totally see you combining the first 2 webisodes to make a great 26(ish) page pilot. Like New Girl, Happy Endings etc? Thanks for giving it a read, Jay! And I'm so glad you enjoyed it It's inevitable that Joshua will be more consistently and more physically funny, but yes, Andrew will get some moments from time to time too. Like you said, Andrew will probably get them into some crazy situations. I see what you mean by the dialogue sometimes being a mouthful. I would say that Joshua's naturally a talker, and that I totally intended for a lot of his lines in particular to be that way, but I'd be lying. haha! I'll see if I can condense some things next time I edit the pilot. I had thought about making this a half-hour thing. This show has gone from a full-hour, to 30-minute, all the way down to a webisode, and I'm not sure if it'll go back up because I don't want to put too much pressure on myself with all these new projects, but it's possible. Again, thanks for reading and reviewing! Appreciate it soo much |
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Post by Alex Matthews on May 30, 2013 17:22:30 GMT -6
I don't think it's fair to label Joshua a 'racist', Jay, he just says the first thing he thinks off, without care for political correctness - i know I've referenced her before in comparison to other characters on other VPN shows, but he has that early "Cordelia Chase" quality, or like how Anya was during her time on "Buffy", not being rude, but simply not realising what they say could be taken the wrong way |
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Jay Paterson
 
Episode 4 - "There's Something About Leila" - Out Now
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Post by Jay Paterson on May 30, 2013 18:01:01 GMT -6
I guess your right in some way, Alex. But just because its unintended doesn't make the remark any less racist. I'm not saying that this is a bad characteristic for Joshua to have, even thought it could land him in a spot of bother, it just gives more personality to the character, that he does have that word vomit tendency.
Andrew, also picks up on his 'racial stereotyping.' Which shows us that Joshua is a speak now think later kinda guy, especially when Andrew then says, "I think you might be setting a new record for yourself." So we know that this is the norm for Joshua to make such racist remarks.
Intentional or Unintentional, he still makes these racist remarks. I do get what your saying, he isn't a point blank racist. Of course that doesn't define him in anyway but its just something I picked up on about his character while reading the pilot.
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Totally support the idea of an Audition crossover as well 
