Reality [Sci-Fi Drama]

[Brady Brown]

Thanks, Paul! Glad you like it! And also...

UPDATE: The pilot is currently undergoing a couple of revisions, and since I've just now gotten back to my computer, not all of them have been made yet. Hoping to finish it up in a couple of days, and then just get the courage to post it! XD

[Brady Brown]

Here's the pilot! Hopefully you guys enjoy, and any feedback is greatly appreciated! This was my first real trip into sci-fi (there was another script, but let's not talk about that) so hopefully it's... acceptable.


SERIES PREMIERE l WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR FREEDOM? - When the President of the United States (Xander Berkeley) proposes that the world’s most deadliest criminals be sent to an alternate dimension where they will only have each other, a lottery is thrown to determine which of the most brutal will be sent away. Unfortunately, when the ceremony begins, the machine used to teleport them away malfunctions, and sends all of the criminals to different dimensions, different realities. But when two convicts are let behind, Adam Dashner (Shane West) and Lily Langley (Anna Kendrick), the government devices a plan to get them to travel through the different dimensions and retrieve the escaped felons. Their reward: freedom. And they can’t pass it up.

LINK: PILOT

[Jamison]

You already know most of my thoughts on this, but I will SURELY give another review since you made revisions from the first draft. XD You're a machine, Brady. A scriptwriting machine!

[Brady Brown]

Thanks, Chris! Can't wait to see what you think of the revisions!

[Jamison]

Okay Brady, about to give this a read. Stay tuned for my thoughts Should be coming soon.

[Brady Brown]

Jul 13, 2013 13:31:18 GMT -6 Jamison said:

Okay Brady, about to give this a read. Stay tuned for my thoughts Should be coming soon.

Haha, hope you enjoy!!

[Tony O'Black]

Ooooh nice one Brady, I'll read too & give you some thoughts.

[Jamison]

Just read the pilot, and while I think you improved in some areas from the original draft, there's still a few aspects I think could be improved upon, just to give us a better idea of who these characters are and what kind of universe they exist in.

REVIEW | Reality 1x01 "Second Chances"

SPOILER: Click to show

First, I want to say that I think you've got a GREAT concept here. There are a lot of cool things that could come out of this later down the line once you're able to get to the one-off stories, as well as the plot points that connect back to the continuous story arc, with the sabotage and everything. However, as a pilot, I think the main issue I had with it was in how it was constructed. It was like there were two different episodes that didn't have the chance to develop fully on their own, so they got pieced together. I think this almost needs to be two episodes. Just felt like there was supposed to be much more story than what we got, and there were some great ideas presented here that you were forced to glaze over, due to lack of time. In my opinion, the build up and set up could have been slowed down. I don't think having a slow build would kill the tension the characters are feeling or make it the script feel sluggish, dragged out, or boring; I think it would give the readers more content to think about when going into identifying the dynamics of the story, and getting a feel for the characters and world you've crafted. 

Like, if the entire pilot was focused on the discovery of The Traveler, the President in his decision to send all the criminals to a different dimension, the mindset of the criminals about to be sent away, we can potentially see Lily and Adam separate, as individual human beings before their lives are intertwined, this can all lead to the device malfunctioning and sending them all to different dimensions, yet leaving two behind, introducing Adam and Lily to one another, then them being assigned this task to retrieve the others, and training for their mission, to ultimately be sent to the first dimension. End of pilot right there, but it'd give you more time to develop the characters and plot.

The next episode could be them actually in this Western era dimension, trying to stop Robert, who has basically declared himself king over these people. It would also benefit the characters in that dimension, like ROBERT himself, who didn't get a lot of development because the episode moved so quickly. It could even be labeled the pilot; just split into two parts. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I know I'm suggesting you write more, and that's not very helpful, but this is a pretty complex story you've got here, and I think it's being simplified a little bit for the sake of feeling the need to get right into the action. In some instances, this one, I think, being one of them, it's okay to let the story take it's time. You can allow the natural unraveling of events to run its course with something like this, because you've got a story that is cool and interesting; something that people are willing to get invested in. Now when you have a boring, everyday concept and want to build it up slowly, that's when you have a problem. I think it's the opposite here. 

Well, that whole rant is over. Now we can actually go into what this episode had to offer.

Your attention to detail has improved from the first draft. In the opening scenes, with your descriptions of the city, I can automatically tell that this is a futuristic setting, and I wasn't at all surprised when the idea of the Traveler was introduced because it was logical given the world you had just described. So, TEN points to Brady for giving the universe a physical identity. With science fiction shows, especially ones that take place in another time, on another planet, in space, etc... I think the world around the characters is not only a set piece, but a character in itself, because it is so foreign to the audience. We pay attention to the story world more than we would for a series taking place in our own space and time, because we live within it every single day. So, the more details, no matter how subtle they may be, the better, in my opinion.

In terms of character, I still think Lily is the strongest because she has the most present personality. Adam has potential to be a really interesting character, but he's a bit soft spoken at the moment. Not that that's a bad thing; it's just a character trait, which is always great to be able to identity, so when it changes, we can call it character development. Also Susannah, who of course was killed near the end of the episode, which I'll talk about a little bit later. Back in our dimension, we had the President and his V.P -- I think their dynamic is interesting. I possibly would have liked to see more politicians join in on the conversation. It would have been great to see what conflicts would arise from the idea of sending this criminals away, and the politics and morals of all the countries leaders would have been a nice touch. Of course, I think because the plot moved so quickly, you were unable to really dig deeper into those aspects of the story.

About Susannah and Lily deciding to kill her. I had no problem with the act itself. I think it's was definitely not out of character for her, and the reason she provided works. But on the other hand -- I saw no evidence that Adam was growing attached to Susannah, so it sort of didn't make sense in that regard. I think it would have been more apparent if you added more evidence of Adam's growing fondness of her character, because as is, it looked sort of unnecessary, and didn't really come across the way I think you intended it to. I think it was a good move though, so I'd say definitely keep it in there. Perhaps give us more details that would make us go, "Okay. I see why her character would do that." I would understand you leaving those details out if Lily was just a psychopath that killed because she thinks it's fun and doesn't need a reason, but the fact that he gave that reason, makes me think otherwise.

I really enjoyed were the mechanics of the devices Adam and Lily are given. I think the futuristic aspects are really fun ideas, and I look forward to seeing more of technologies as these two travel to different dimensions. The possibilities are so endless. This could really be a fun show to write and work on, especially for a sci-fi enthusiast.

The reveal near the end that somebody tampered with the machine adds that mystery that I just love in everything I watch, so I'm glad it wasn't just a matter of coincidence, and that there is a deeper conspiracy going on -- I think I want to see how that particular plot unravels more than anything else, because I'm so into mysteries.

But okay, overall, the pilot had some really interesting individual pieces, that I just think could have been put together differently in order to tell a clearer, more engaging story. I feel like I'm being extra critical for some reason, and maybe I am. I get like this with concepts I really like. I'll be interested in seeing what others thought about the pilot. Maybe they, or you, can get me to see a few things differently.

[Alex Matthews]

to add my two cents, I agree a lot with what Chris says, about the fact the story could be better told over to episodes, instead of one, and certain actions taken, as well as the fantastic descriptions of environments. But there are two aspects I differ on.

1) The character of Lily, to me, strikes me more as a 'sociopath', not a 'psychopath' - I might be remembering wrongly, but Lily never killed until she was fired from her job, is that right? A psychopath would not be able to control their desire to commit acts of violence for that long. She only killed because in her mind, a line was crossed.

2) The whole novelty of all these nifty gadgets they have strikes me a little too convenient - these guys are the worst of the worst apparently, but they've been given all these new toys, and free reign to jump dimension to dimension? Surely, if the Government was THAT concerned about all these murderers, rapists and societal dregs they've sent to unknowing dimensions, they would hold a tighter rein on the two people they've 'contracted' to bring them all back? They may be doing a job, but their still criminals. I personally thought it would make more sense for them to have to physically take the captured criminal back to 'Home Base' themselves, and report back in - kind of like how the convicts worked in "Breakout Kings".

[Jamison]

Jul 13, 2013 18:05:53 GMT -6 Alex Matthews said:

1) The character of Lily, to me, strikes me more as a 'sociopath', not a 'psychopath' - I might be remembering wrongly, but Lily never killed until she was fired from her job, is that right? A psychopath would not be able to control their desire to commit acts of violence for that long. She only killed because in her mind, a line was crossed.

I actually said I don't think she's a psychopath. The fact that she gave a reason for killing Susannah led me to believe that she does not kill simply because she's crazy, but because she doesn't care about human life, like a sociopath. The thing I said in the review was "I would understand you leaving those details out if Lily was just a psychopath that killed because she thinks it's fun and doesn't need a reason, but the fact that she gave that reason, makes me think otherwise."

So, yeah I definitely agree with you there, Alex. The way Lily is written is MUCH more like that of a sociopath, which I find heaps more interesting. It's actually probably the reason why I felt the most intrigued by her character in the pilot. Want to see her lots more

[Alex Matthews]

ah, so you did, Chris, apologies - I was focusing more on the actual correct definition of the term 'psychopath', then how you phrased it to mean the same thing

[Jamison]

Jul 13, 2013 18:05:53 GMT -6 Alex Matthews said:

2) The whole novelty of all these nifty gadgets they have strikes me a little too convenient - these guys are the worst of the worst apparently, but they've been given all these new toys, and free reign to jump dimension to dimension? Surely, if the Government was THAT concerned about all these murderers, rapists and societal dregs they've sent to unknowing dimensions, they would hold a tighter rein on the two people they've 'contracted' to bring them all back? They may be doing a job, but their still criminals. I personally thought it would make more sense for them to have to physically take the captured criminal back to 'Home Base' themselves, and report back in - kind of like how the convicts worked in "Breakout Kings".

This actually made me think about something. What if Adam and Lily had like a guard that was in the shelter at all times for them to report back to, or some kind of drone that would be there to make sure they stuck to the mission. Or even if it was someone in our universe who could monitor their actions and affect them in some way if they did something off mission. That'd be an interesting angle. Would be kinda funny if it were some kind of robot. haha! But yeah, you bring up a pretty good point, Alex.

[Brady Brown]

First off, thanks for much for giving this another read, Chris! All the feedback really helps. (and sorry if this reply is not very good, because my computer literally hates me)

Jul 13, 2013 17:47:01 GMT -6 Jamison said:

REVIEW | Reality 1x01 "Second Chances"

SPOILER: Click to show

First, I want to say that I think you've got a GREAT concept here. There are a lot of cool things that could come out of this later down the line once you're able to get to the one-off stories, as well as the plot points that connect back to the continuous story arc, with the sabotage and everything. However, as a pilot, I think the main issue I had with it was in how it was constructed. It was like there were two different episodes that didn't have the chance to develop fully on their own, so they got pieced together. I think this almost needs to be two episodes. Just felt like there was supposed to be much more story than what we got, and there were some great ideas presented here that you were forced to glaze over, due to lack of time. In my opinion, the build up and set up could have been slowed down. I don't think having a slow build would kill the tension the characters are feeling or make it the script feel sluggish, dragged out, or boring; I think it would give the readers more content to think about when going into identifying the dynamics of the story, and getting a feel for the characters and world you've crafted. 

I really was drawn to this concept when I initially had thought of it, because I was really curious to see what ideas for episodes I could come up with. The sabotage, as well as crucial points in Adam and Lily's lives will come into play later down the line, with Hugh and Veronica in the present dimension, and through flashbacks. Personally, I've never been one to set up everything in the pilot episode, which is another reason as to why I put Hugh and Veronica in the story- so that we could explore the world as we go along. I know that's probably... not the best answer to what you were saying, but that's definitely my mindset as to how I wanted to run the season.

Like, if the entire pilot was focused on the discovery of The Traveler, the President in his decision to send all the criminals to a different dimension, the mindset of the criminals about to be sent away, we can potentially see Lily and Adam separate, as individual human beings before their lives are intertwined, this can all lead to the device malfunctioning and sending them all to different dimensions, yet leaving two behind, introducing Adam and Lily to one another, then them being assigned this task to retrieve the others, and training for their mission, to ultimately be sent to the first dimension. End of pilot right there, but it'd give you more time to develop the characters and plot.

I look at it the same way I look at Doctor Who. We never learned everything about the Doctor, or his companion in the first episode. I don’t want to put all the knowledge of the Traveler, because then I would have nothing else to tell as the season went along. Yeah, I could have put in something, and I definitely agree on that part. But I love using flashbacks, and that might have been my downfall when it came to this particular pilot, but I took the risk anyway. I don’t want Adam and Lily to be separate if they don’t have to be, because they’re not near as interesting of characters in my opinion. I’ll definitely take the two-parter idea into consideration when I do end up re-writing the pilot.

The next episode could be them actually in this Western era dimension, trying to stop Robert, who has basically declared himself king over these people. It would also benefit the characters in that dimension, like ROBERT himself, who didn't get a lot of development because the episode moved so quickly. It could even be labeled the pilot; just split into two parts. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I know I'm suggesting you write more, and that's not very helpful, but this is a pretty complex story you've got here, and I think it's being simplified a little bit for the sake of feeling the need to get right into the action. In some instances, this one, I think, being one of them, it's okay to let the story take it's time. You can allow the natural unraveling of events to run its course with something like this, because you've got a story that is cool and interesting; something that people are willing to get invested in. Now when you have a boring, everyday concept and want to build it up slowly, that's when you have a problem. I think it's the opposite here. 

I’ll admit Robert didn't get that much development. And again, about the slow build up, it’s just a personal taste of mine on not wanting to drag things out, when I had the idea of incorporating them down the line through flashbacks.

Your attention to detail has improved from the first draft. In the opening scenes, with your descriptions of the city, I can automatically tell that this is a futuristic time, and I wasn't at all when the idea of the Traveler was introduced because it was logical given the world you had just described. So, TEN points to Brady for giving the universe a physical identity. With science fiction shows, especially ones that take place in another time, on another planet, in space, etc... I think the world around the characters is not only a set piece, but a character in itself, because it is so foreign to the audience. We pay attention to the story world more than we would for a series taking place in our own space and time, because we live within it every single day. So, the more details, no matter how subtle they may be, the better, in my opinion.

I really tried getting the futuristic theme to be much more noticeable, and not just subtly the way I had it before. Yay for ten points! Like I said before, I really wanted to explore the new futuristic time through the scenes with Hugh and Veronica, being as how they’re the country’s leader, they would have to travel throughout it quite a bit.

In terms of character, I still think Lily is the strongest because she has the most present personality. Adam has potential to be a really interesting character, but he's a bit soft spoken at the moment. Not that that's a bad thing; it's just a character trait, which is always great to be able to identity, so when it chances, we can call it character development. Also Susannah, who of course was killed near the end of the episode, which I'll talk about a little bit later. Back in our dimension, we had the President and his V.P -- I think their dynamic is interesting. I possibly would have liked to see more politicians join in on the conversation. It would have been great to see what conflicts would arise from the idea of sending this criminals away, and the politics and morals of all the countries leaders would have been a nice touch. Of course, I think because the plot moved so quickly, you were unable to really dig deeper into those aspects of the story.

Adam is a complete opposite to Lily, in terms of personality. I could definitely see how Lily could be perceived as a much stronger character, though. Hugh and Veronica are attempting to do whatever they can back in their dimension to try and cover up the mistake that has been made. With that, and uncovering who sabotaged the Traveler, it makes up their storyline this season, so having other politicians in the mix is never out of the bag.

About Susannah and Lily deciding to kill her. I had no problem with the act itself. I think it's was definitely not out of character for her, and the reason she provided works. But on the other hand -- I saw no evidence that Adam was growing attached to Susannah, so it sort of didn't make sense in that regard. I think it would have been more apparent if you added more evidence of Adam's growing fondness of her character, because as is, it looked sort of unnecessary, and didn't really come across the way I think you intended it to. I think it was a good move though, so I'd say definitely keep it in there. Perhaps give us more details that would make us go, "Okay. I see why her character would do that." I would understand you leaving those details out if Lily was just a psychopath that killed because she thinks it's fun and doesn't need a reason, but the fact that he gave that reason, makes me think otherwise.

Lily is definitely a act now, think later type of character, which is why the killing was so abrupt. She saw just a hint of Adam’s feelings, and that’s why she did it. I didn’t want to have Adam completely care for Susannah, and make it obvious, because of the guilt that he is sowly developing over his dead girlfriend, again, if that makes any sense. The idea of Lily identifying herself as a psychopath plays into that fact that that’s what she wants to be. She doesn’t want to have a reason for killing people; she doesn’t want to know that she cares for people. Obviously, she’s going to start caring for Adam as a friend, and it’s going to make her reanalyze what she identifies as, even though she wants to be a cold, hard shell that feels nothing.

I really enjoyed were the mechanics of the devices Adam and Lily are given. I think the futuristic aspects are really fun ideas, and I look forward to seeing more of technologies as these two travel to different dimensions. The possibilities are so endless. This could really be a fun show to write and work on, especially for a sci-fi enthusiast.

The gadgets and gizmos they use will definitely come into play in the following episodes.

The reveal near the end that somebody tampered with the machine adds that mystery that I just love in everything I watch, so I'm glad it wasn't just a matter of coincidence, and that there is a deeper conspiracy going on -- I think I want to see how that particular plot unravels more than anything else, because I'm so into mysteries.

I just had to add mystery to the show. Glad you like it!

But okay, overall, the pilot had some really interesting individual pieces, that I just think could have been put together differently in order to tell a clearer, more engaging story. I feel like I'm being extra critical for some reason, and maybe I am. I get like this with concepts I really like. I'll be interested in seeing what others thought about the pilot. Maybe they, or you, can get me to see a few things differently.

Hopefully my response made at least some sense, and you can understand the reasoning behind why I did certain things. And if it doesn’t necessarily help you see it in a different light, then hopefully you enjoy the next draft a whole lot more!

[Brady Brown]

Jul 13, 2013 18:05:53 GMT -6 Alex Matthews said:

2) The whole novelty of all these nifty gadgets they have strikes me a little too convenient - these guys are the worst of the worst apparently, but they've been given all these new toys, and free reign to jump dimension to dimension? Surely, if the Government was THAT concerned about all these murderers, rapists and societal dregs they've sent to unknowing dimensions, they would hold a tighter rein on the two people they've 'contracted' to bring them all back? They may be doing a job, but their still criminals. I personally thought it would make more sense for them to have to physically take the captured criminal back to 'Home Base' themselves, and report back in - kind of like how the convicts worked in "Breakout Kings".

I came into this problem myself, which is why I had the line about the scientists being the ones to configure the next dimension they went to. And, if they got out of hand (i.e. attempt to flee) they have the electric charges in their necks. I could see how reporting back in would make more sense, but not the handing them in themselves. It's the future, which is why I added the dimension hopper belts. It's more efficient.

[Alex Matthews]

Jul 13, 2013 18:41:03 GMT -6 Brady Brown said:

Jul 13, 2013 18:05:53 GMT -6 Alex Matthews said:

2) The whole novelty of all these nifty gadgets they have strikes me a little too convenient - these guys are the worst of the worst apparently, but they've been given all these new toys, and free reign to jump dimension to dimension? Surely, if the Government was THAT concerned about all these murderers, rapists and societal dregs they've sent to unknowing dimensions, they would hold a tighter rein on the two people they've 'contracted' to bring them all back? They may be doing a job, but their still criminals. I personally thought it would make more sense for them to have to physically take the captured criminal back to 'Home Base' themselves, and report back in - kind of like how the convicts worked in "Breakout Kings".

I came into this problem myself, which is why I had the line about the scientists being the ones to configure the next dimension they went to. And, if they got out of hand (i.e. attempt to flee) they have the electric charges in their necks. I could see how reporting back in would make more sense, but not the handing them in themselves. It's the future, which is why I added the dimension hopper belts. It's more efficient.

While I understand the idea of being 'efficient', let me put it another way - you go to all that trouble of setting up the Traveler in the dialogue, and how big it is, and how it takes so many criminals all in one go... and then suddenly, the two main characters have BELTS that can do the same job?!?

As an example, let me link it to transporters in Star Trek - they need all the platform and stuff to beam people down, and the targeting sensors to lock onto communicators in order to beam them back... from a scientific standpoint, it makes sense, at least in theory, if not practice. But then, later, suddenly, there are these ridiculously tiny 'site to site transport' units that apparently do the job WITHOUT a platform or targeting sensors. To me, that borders more on science-fantasy, then science fact.

If the belts acted as a homing beacon, that would make more sense, allowing those 'back home' to pull their target back, or even if the portal opened at set intervals. I think that the handing them back in would also reinforce the fact that they are on 'parole' every time they go on a dimension hop, and that their liberties are their only chance to have a semblance of freedom until the job is done. It wasn't very clear to me just HOW those security considerations would be effective once they make the dimension jump, because there didn't appear to be any real indication that the home dimension was keeping tabs on them somehow... I might need to reread it, just to have it fresher in my mind.

[Brady Brown]

Jul 13, 2013 19:12:21 GMT -6 Alex Matthews said:

While I understand the idea of being 'efficient', let me put it another way - you go to all that trouble of setting up the Traveler in the dialogue, and how big it is, and how it takes so many criminals all in one go... and then suddenly, the two main characters have BELTS that can do the same job?!?

The belts, yes, can do basically what the Traveler can. The belts are used to send the criminals Adam and Lily find to the present dimension.

As an example, let me link it to transporters in Star Trek - they need all the platform and stuff to beam people down, and the targeting sensors to lock onto communicators in order to beam them back... from a scientific standpoint, it makes sense, at least in theory, if not practice. But then, later, suddenly, there are these ridiculously tiny 'site to site transport' units that apparently do the job WITHOUT a platform or targeting sensors. To me, that borders more on science-fantasy, then science fact.

This show is supposed to be science-fiction, not factual science. Multiple things can do the same. The Traveler is for large quantities, while the belt is just for one person. Why have Adam and Lily lure the criminal all the way back to their shelter just to send them back? It's like a desktop and a laptop. Both basically the same thing, but one portable and the other not so much.

If the belts acted as a homing beacon, that would make more sense, allowing those 'back home' to pull their target back, or even if the portal opened at set intervals. I think that the handing them back in would also reinforce the fact that they are on 'parole' every time they go on a dimension hop, and that their liberties are their only chance to have a semblance of freedom until the job is done. It wasn't very clear to me just HOW those security considerations would be effective once they make the dimension jump, because there didn't appear to be any real indication that the home dimension was keeping tabs on them somehow... I might need to reread it, just to have it fresher in my mind.

It explained that there was a communication device inside the Traveler. I don't think I necessarily stated that Adam and Lily can be contacted through that, I might have just said Adam and Lily can contact the scientists if need be. Definitely fault on my part, if that's what you're trying to say.

[Brady Brown]

UPDATE: With a new outline of the pilot being written, Tatiana Maslany, best known for her role roles on 'Orphan Black', has been added to the reoccurring cast as Dr. Emilia Mead.

I'll try and update everyone when the outline is completed/near completion.

[Brady Brown]

ANOTHER UPDATE: One more character has been added to the cast. Gerard Butler will be portraying Det. Xander Robertson! His description is in the original pitch.