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Post by A. Blackwood on Feb 10, 2017 5:19:28 GMT -6
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 30, 2017 0:53:59 GMT -6
I would like to start with how I totally agree with what Jay said. The addition of that first scene added exactly what the episode was lacking for me. Don't get me wrong, the original draft was good but by adding that scene it became great. I would totally read this religiously. Your dialogue was great. Each character has a distinctive voice. Their introductions were done really well. Your description painted the world beautifully. The story and idea is giving me The Magicians vibe and I'm living for it. Just overall great job. You've set up things for the next episode that I can't wait to see where you take us. Just a really great job! Would love to see this picked up. I totally agree. Jay brought up what was bugging me about the episode (that it felt like it was missing something) and Jack provided the solution with suggesting an opening scene, so it was kind of a group effort! I'm glad you felt it improved the episode too! Thank you for such kind commentary too! It makes me happy to make people who read my work happy, it's the most encouraging kind of feedback  |
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 28, 2017 23:37:24 GMT -6
Thought I would check in here and start to keep track of my own reading of VPN shows. READ
Audition Sequence 1 (Reviewed)
Audition Sequence 2 (Reviewed)
Audition Sequence 3 (Reviewed)
Audition Sequence 4 (Reviewed)
Audition 5.01 (Reviewed)
Audition 5.02 (Reviewed)
Audition 5.03 (Reviewed)
Bionic Sequence 1 (Reviewed) | UP NEXT
Audition 5.04
Audition 5.05
Paradise Lost 1.01
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 28, 2017 23:22:19 GMT -6
Four episodes completed for Haphazard Magic, the first two fully edited now too! I'm hoping that if the series gets picked up I'll have up to episode six written and ready to go.
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 25, 2017 22:50:29 GMT -6
I saw that you’d posted your pilot episode so I thought I should take some time to read and give you a review. Quick note though- the link for the pilot in your pitch isn’t working, only the one on your update post! Anyway, on to the pilot episode of Brighton Falls. So overall I quite liked reading this pilot. There were some really big issues I had (more about those later) but the characters and the storyline for this pilot episode I found really enjoyable. I also thought the opening was fantastic- with us getting to see some of what Matt's mother could do and what she was involved with before her death. There weren't any noticeable problems with your characters, I felt they all had fairly distinctive voices and personalities which was nice. I didn't really have a stand out favourite at the end of the episode but Marnie was a highlight, even though we didn't get a lot of her in this first episode. I think I've mentioned before that I'm a big fan of fantasy and magic so the mythology you have happening with this series has certainly gained my attention. We were given plenty of interesting tidbits in the pilot to help explain what was gong on while also retaining that air of mystery, especially concerning the Warden. It may fall a little bit into your typical 'fighting against evil' supernatural type series, but I definitely think this series has enough original ideas to hold it's own. So in summary, story and characters I was very happy with, but the downfall for me was structure and writing. Unfortunately, I don't think there was a single page in this script where there wasn't a spelling, typo, or grammatical error that jumped out at me. Admittedly I'm probably more attuned to things like this than most, but I feel even your average reader would pick up on a lot of this, and I know for many people reoccurring errors can really take them out of a story. I'll try to breakdown some of the more common errors I noticed now to help you out with future edits or writing. -Use of commas and full stops. One of the biggest writing errors I noticed was sentence structure. A lot of your sentences were run on sentences or fragments which do not make for nice easy reading unless used sparingly or for emphasis. There were a lot of places where a full stop could have have been used instead of a comma to make for better structure (Eg. "Samael reaches his palm out, as Janet screams in pain, as her whole body tightens." is much neater as "Samael reaches his palm out. Janet screams in pain as her whole body tightens.") and many places where full stops resulted in fragments that made little sense (Eg. "He turns the key. Bringing the engine to life." -Brining the engine to life- does not make sense on it's own as a sentence, and should have been attached to the previous sentence to make "He turns the key, bringing the engine to life."). This would be something I would really watch out for because it caused me to stop and start a lot with my reading, meaning I never fell into a really nice flow where I was completely focused on the story and not the writing. -Spelling errors and incorrect words Again, unfortunately, many of these littered throughout the episode. For example 'dinning room' instead of 'dining room', 'there' instead of 'their' and 'composer' instead of 'composure'. They're easy to miss as the writer, because you know what's supposed to be there, but readers will pick up on the mistakes. This might fall a bit onto grammar but I'll include it here as part of spelling- but there were a lot of incorrectly used apostrophes too. Apostrophes on the end of a word are usually to signal possession or contraction. There are lot of times when you have used 'let's' which means 'let us' instead of 'lets' (Eg. "Matt let's out a chuckle") as just one example. I also noticed a few of the reverse situation, where you had not used an apostrophe where there should have been one. -Grammatical and other errors A few other common errors I noticed: there were a lot of ellipses used (...) but a lot of the time they only had two dots instead of the customary three. Not sure if some of these were supposed to be full stops and an extra one ended up next to it but keep an eye on those. There were a lot of randomly capitalised words in the middle of sentences that shouldn't have been capitalised (Eg. "The room is dark as we push through it, Coming up to the front door"). I also noticed some redundant phrasing (Eg. "One more car drives down the street, coming to a halt outside of the house. It comes to a stop,"- it's been mentioned twice that the car stops) or sentences where repeated words made them sound clunky (Eg. "Fire erupts from the window shattering all of the windows in the house."). That probably covers the most obvious things I noticed and hopefully it will help you, like I said, with any future writing you do. Please don't think I didn't like the script either, because I did and my motive for giving you these notes is because I would very much like to see you improve and continue with your idea Also, some of these things I've pointed out are a bit more personal preference than set rules when it comes to writing so don't feel like you need to change a whole heap of things just because I said so! Anyway, despite the writing side of things I really enjoyed this story, and I wish you the best of luck with your pitch! |
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 25, 2017 6:31:45 GMT -6
Just wanted to give everyone a quick update: On the basis of reviews received so far I have provided an updated pilot episode script (link in pitch). Majority of the script remains the same with only small changes for editing, but I have added a completely new scene to the start of the episode to help set up the world a little bit more.
Hopefully those who have read the script find the change an improvement, and those who have yet to read but will soon- hopefully you enjoy!
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 24, 2017 3:36:33 GMT -6
It was interesting reading your notes on why certain subjects cannot be touched on this early in the series and its left me with even more questions and intrigue. (But I guess I'll have to wait on episodes airing to find out the answers) Of course, you know your world better than anyone, so I am sure you will find that perfect idea you're looking for to add to the pilot. Whether that be Jack's suggestion of working on an alternative opening (which btw, I love) or something entirely different that comes to mind, is completely up to you. I apologise that I did not touch on your writing. I just wanted to add that it was very well written. The pilot flowed seamlessly, which made it really easy for me to read. So kudos on that! As I've mentioned before, I am very into this premise, and should you upload a second draft I will be more than happy to give you my thoughts on it. PS: Just out of curiosity, can I ask where Bearport is located? I noticed Miles was Scottish so I was wondering is this was based somewhere else in the UK, or the US etc. I'm glad you found the notes interesting! I must admit it was very hard trying to explain why I did things the way I did in response to your concerns without giving away to much, and I wanted to give you good reasons and explanations so you didn't think I was just brushing aside your responses. And thank you very much for the comment on the writing, I'm glad it was easy for you to read As for where Bearport is, I'm one of those people who prescribes to the 'always use a fictional city' school of writing because it means I don't have to spend time researching actual cities, I can just make one up and put everything I need into it. Personally I imagine Bearport as being a city in a fictional US, because I feel the US allows for the most flexibility. In all honesty, you could probably imagine it as being in quite a few places unless I've ruled it out in the writing somehow (for example, we know it isn't Scotland because Miles' accent is something that's noted as out of the norm) but in my head it's the US. |
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 24, 2017 0:53:31 GMT -6
5.03 "Southern Comfort for the Hollywood Soul" Review
After a short break I'm back to review Audition again, hoping to get through 5.03-5.05 before any new episodes come out. Anyway, on to episode three of sequence five.
The Band
So we got to see a bit more of the band in this episode and the 'do we get new members or do we not get new members' questions thats been hanging from the start of the sequence finally gets an answer. I'm quite enjoying the storyline involving the band in this sequence. I think it's a nice contrast to see the relative success they're having compared to Alex and Alisha, who have hit a bit of a slump as far as their acting is going. I'm very much looking forward to seeing if the band will be able to find some new interesting members and where that will lead them to in future episodes.
David
It's nice to see David have a more serious interaction with his parents (or, well, as serious as David can be) about what he's going to do with the money. Personally my guess is he'll buy his own comic book store or something similar, but it's nice to see him being careful with the money and not doing that typical over the top spending spree that you see a lot in shows whenever a character comes into a lot of money. So kudos on doing something different there, and I'm interested to see exactly what David will do with the money.
Alisha
Wow, feeling really bad for Alisha at the moment. Not only is she having to adjust to her newly realised bisexuality, but she also keeps running into the, very much taken, girl she has crush on. It was nice to see her fully open up to Alex about her worries and get it all off her chest. Hopefully it will be a real turning point for her and allow her to start making so positive steps forward with her life and her goals.
Alex
And finally Alex. There wasn't too much with Alex this episode I felt until the end, where despite Alisha's assurances he still doesn't open up about what's going on with him. It's a little bit frustration to read, knowing that it's only going to get worse for him if he keeps everything to himself, but it's also a very realistic way of dealing with things. My only hope is that Alex will catch a break soon and things don't stay really bad for him for too long.
Overall
I thought this was a solid episode of Audition. Did notice a few very obvious typos or missing words, but nothing worse than usual. There wasn't anything super groundbreaking or exciting as far as the story went, besides Alisha coming out to Alex, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. It was just a nice crusing episode as we gear up for what I'm sure will be some very interesting episodes to come!
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 23, 2017 19:01:10 GMT -6
So, I've read the pilot. For me, it was a really solid first episode for the series. You managed to introduce the three main characters in a way that gave us a taste of their personalities, how separate their lives are, their social environments, and then brought them together under the premise of the show. While I definitely understand Jay's perspective, the ending was that "I want to know/see more" moment for me because that last line of "training starts now" propels us into the story of what's to come. Yes, it might be a little abrupt, but within a "webisode" format it works. Thank you very much Jack! I'm glad you felt satisfied with the ending of the episode and your comments on why it worked for you give me some more things to consider now when I go back to look at that scene. I do think you're right about how that abruptness can work within the webisode format. I felt that to achieve everything I wanted to achieve in that episode (and keep it between 10-15 pages) some things were going to have to be very succinct and to the point, and I doubt anyone wants to read 10 pages of meandering filler and explanation for an episode anyway, haha If anything, I would suggest a stronger opening scene to introduce us to this world, and this premise that the characters get roped into by episode's end. Perhaps introduce that element of magic from the get-go in a way that doesn't jeopardise the other "reveals" that follow as the episode plays out, and that grasps our attention from the very first page. Something that could either connect with Miles, and/or be completely separate from them all together that better connects with the purpose of training, and why training has to start now. For an example, I've recently started watching 'Trollhunters' and it's opening scene involves the main antagonist overpowering the current Trollhunter, and then introduces us to the main characters who get sucked into this foreign world. Perhaps something similar could open the story, and enhance the ending at the same time. Just a suggestion. That's a very good suggestion and I will definitely see what I can do to possibly incorporate something like that into the start of the episode. Thanks for the advice! Overall, I'm very excited to see this join the current line-up. I'm very excited to see an expansion of content for webisode series' on theVPN, and this feels like something fresh and interesting that could do very well here. From the structure, the focus on character-building, and even the subtle moments of humour that's sprinkled throughout, I can tell you're a strong writer and I'm definitely interested in seeing this show picked up. Hopefully more people jump in to offer their thoughts on the pilot in the coming weeks, and I wish you the best of luck with this project! I've probably said it a few times already in this response but thank you very much for taking the time to read and offer your suggestions Jack. It's super encouraging to get such positive feedback and the suggestions on where improvements could be made (from everyone so far) have been really helpful |
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 23, 2017 1:45:40 GMT -6
First off, what a great pitch!
Magic has always been a subject I enjoyed, and your premise already has me all sorts of interested. Having a read through your pitch I can tell you have put a lot of thought into the world you've created here and I already have lots of questions brewing in my mind, especially concerning The Guild of Sorcery. On to the pilot itself-- Thank you very much Jay! The idea is to introduce the audience to this huge hidden world of magic along with the characters, and I can assure there is a lot to learn about, the Guild included. I loved the character introductions, it gave a clear insight into who these three individuals are, and their personality shone through considerably. That being said, I do feel like something was missing, and it has a lot to do with the final scene involving Miles. You have a great nine pages of character building and introducing these three protagonists to your audience and then just a final two pages when it feels like we're getting into the thick of things. I do feel like extending the scene involving Miles would improve this, as it did feel a little rushed or unfinished. It doesn't have to be by much; I just feel as though the ending of your pilot was a little anti-climatic and it needed something to make me go, "I need to know more" you know what I mean? Some big reveal, if you will; to set up your story. I must admit I'm very proud of the character introductions and definitely felt when I was writing that they would be the strongest part of the episode. In regards to the end of the episode, it was somewhat deliberate to leave it where it was, to go any further would have prolonged the episode more than I would have liked and possibly lead into a big information dump session- something I really didn't want to finish the first episode. That said, I will definitely go back and see what I can do to give the final scene a bit of extra something without veering into territory I don't want to explore in the first episode. I'd also like to add something about Miles' dialogue. Nothing major, just something I think could tighten up the end scene. When he discusses why they have been brought together to become a team, his first line is, "Each of you had the potential for magic." I'm just thinking if I was a reader going into this blind not knowing much about the show beforehand, I would have been a little thrown off by this. The script so far had been Asher, Evie, and Miles living a normal life, so it seems a bit out of the blue. Maybe having him reference what each of them had been doing before this meeting, i.e. why and what he had been training them separately up until this moment, why he chose them (since we didn't get to see this) and/or some reference to The Guild. Maybe not giving the whole reason why The Guild of Sorcery had sent him but giving the audience and your characters enough intrigue to want to know more. Even something like that could add enough mystery to make me have that, "I need to know more" moment without having to change the ending you currently have. In regards to your comments here, I wanted to address the possibility of being thrown off by Miles talking about how each of them had the potential for magic. While yes, it could be surprising for someone going into the show with little information to find out that magic is actually a big part of the story, I find it very unlikely that it would be the case. At the very least I would expect a reader to know the title of the series, and since it contains the word 'magic' I'd like to think a reader would be primed enough to not find it that much of a surprise. There was also an intent in the writing for magic to show up in the episode with little fuss, establishing that, just like their jobs, study, and relationships, this has become a fairly normal part of their life. Also, Miles speaking about magic isn't the first time magic shows up in the episode- Evie very clearly opens the door with magic before we meet Miles, which I hope would start to give unsuspecting readers the heads up that there is more to these characters than meets the eye. I also want to explain a little bit as to my choices for not including some of the things you suggest here, just so you know I'm not being stubborn about not wanting to include it, haha! Why Miles doesn't mention what each of them had been doing: Miles has been teaching and testing them all on the same things so to state this would just be telling them things they already know. Evie, Link, and Asher also jump to the conclusion that the others have been undergoing at least similar sessions with Miles, hence while Miles doesn't bother to mention it. Explanation as to why they have been trained separately: Is mentioned in passing with one of Miles' lines- "I thought surely only one of you would show any real skill but, alas, I was wrong." He planned to dump them as students if he didn't think they had enough talent essentially, and that was easier done if they didn't know about each other. Why we don't see how he chose them: Mostly because I plan to go back to this later. I did consider beginning the series with him choosing them but it would have proved for some very boring episodes or a decent jump in time, neither of which I wanted. No mentions of the Guild: Deliberately done on Miles' part. He doesn't want them to know about the Guild for reasons that are explained in episode three. However, I do agree, as mentioned above, that there is probably something I can do to add a bit more of a hook in the last scene. While I can't use any of the suggestions you supplied here, I do very much appreciate the time you took to make them Anyway, these are just my opinions, take them for what they are. It is of course up to you how you arrange the episode. I'm sure there are going to be plenty of more reviews in the coming weeks that will help you decide what is best for you and your show.
Keep with it; I honestly think this has massive potential and with a little tightening up, this would be an excellent show for theVPN to have on their roster. I already adore the characters and the world you've created, so I am rooting for this to be picked up.
Again thank you so much for your in depth review Jay. It's been very helpful in pushing me to go back and look over the last scene (which I was never 100% happy with but couldn't work out what else to do with it) and it's very encouraging to hear such positive feedback. |
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 23, 2017 0:17:10 GMT -6
I love this pitch, and I love this idea. This is so well thought out and crafted in such a mesmerizing way. Everything having to do with magic interests me, so I'm totally on board with this. I love the idea of this Guild, and the interactions between Miles and his students can lead to some incredible scenes and development. I'm ready to check out the pilot, which I'll hopefully do soon. Also, don't worry about having a cast. I actually think it's pretty intruiging that you don't have one, but in the end it's up to you. Casts are great.  Thank you Brady! I was very nervous when I saw my pitch had a comment on it but you certainly put me at ease. It has been a lot of fun coming up with the world and the magic and should I be lucky enough to have my series picked up I'm going to very much enjoy exploring it! I'm looking forward to hearing what you think of the pilot, hopefully it lives up to the pitch Cool pitch! I’ve just finished reading the pilot episode. Though it doesn’t have this ‘big bang’ that makes you sit on the edge of your seat, it does introduce the main characters very well. Definitely a show I’d want to read so hoping this series gets picked up. Thank you Jon! I did struggle a bit with the pilot episode and, like you said, incorporating a 'Big Bang' moment, but ultimately I felt a slow burn was better. It may not be a typical way to start a series, I know more often than not writers tend towards something big and dramatic for a draw in the first episode, but hopefully there is enough intrigue in the first episode to make you want to see what happens next. Thanks again for reading, it's very much appreciated! |
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 21, 2017 3:48:23 GMT -6
  The world is a wonderful place full of all kinds of magic - a sunset over water, finding five dollars you didn’t know you had when you really need a coffee, a single flower growing through a crack in the concrete, and the ability to create fire with a snap of your fingers. It’s this last kind of magic, the mystical unexplained-by-science type of magic, that can be harnessed and used by those with a certain aptitude. Like any powerful force, magic draws many types of people to it. It attracts people who wish to study it, experiment with it, and use it for good, but also those who would abuse it for less than honourable purposes. Time and time again people with dark souls have tried to use magic to advance their own nefarious plans, but time and time again there have been magic users willing to stand up to them and protect those who can’t protect themselves. The Guild of Sorcery is one such group of people, focused on the study of magic and preventing its use for evil. Only the Guild has grown complacent over time, allowing their numbers and power to dwindle. Those with nefarious plans and dark hearts began to rally in the shadows, biding their time and combining their strength. The Guild found itself in dire need of magic users to carry on their cause but those who can harness magic are few and far between. Miles Kurr is a well established magic user and member of the Guild of Sorcery. He was never one with a patience for learning and study but he has always been a righteous man with an innate skill for magic. So when desperate times came upon them the Guild sent him and a number of others forth to find and train a new generation of magic users and Guild members. In the end, Miles found three proteges; Asher, a college student with incredible magic potential, Evie, a tattoo artist who takes to magic like she was born with it, and Link, a personal trainer and part time photographer who is still just in awe that magic exists. They’re young and untrained but the Guild of Sorcery is relying on Miles, and he thinks with enough training Asher, Evie, and Link may just be the saving grace the Guild is looking for.  ASHER GHELLINI
Asher was on his way to the ideal life. He was working part time in IT support to help pay for the small apartment he shared with his amazing girlfriend, Meredith, while also working his way through a maths and computing degree and maintaining a decent GPA. Well, he still has all of that, now he just also has to add magic training on the side without letting his girlfriend know. Miles insists that Asher has the potential for amazing feats of magic, but growing up a science and technology geek is making it hard for Asher to embrace the unknown and unexplained. EVELYN “EVIE” MARUYAMA
In a family of high achievers Evie, well, isn’t. Not by conventional standards anyway. Her interests lie in the artistic and while that doesn’t really help one if they’re looking to become a doctor or a lawyer, it certainly helped her take to magic like a duck to water. She was discovered by Miles while working at her tattoo parlour Ink Webs and he regularly laments that she is both the favourite and least favourite protege he has ever mentored. Evie is outspoken, fun-loving, and bound to be the bane of all evil sorcerers she encounters—if she is able focus on her training. LINCOLN “LINK” JARRELL
Link never would have guessed that his life would involve actual magic. He was just living his life one day at a time, focused on his part time personal training job and photography course that would hopefully kickstart his career outside of health and fitness. A life long fan of superheroes and epic fantasy, Miles introducing Link to a world of magic was like having all his dreams come true at once. He may not be as strong as Asher or as intuitive as Evie when it comes to magic, but he’s eager to learn everything he possibly can about it. MILES KURR
Miles joined the Guild when he was a young and impressionable sorcerer but while the years have made him wiser and stronger, they have also made him bitter and cynical. Disappointed with the Guild’s lax attitude over the past century, he agreed to help find new members on the condition that he got to do things his way. The Guild wasn’t in much of a position to argue so they let him go. Miles has never thought of himself as much of a teacher, but desperate times call for desperate measures and at least he likes his students, even if he doesn’t like teaching them.  Asher, Evie, and Link have been training to use magic with Miles for a number of weeks but each thinks they’re his only student. There’s no time like the present to find out you’re actually part of a team.
1.02 | Run It Again Magical training is taxing but Asher, Evie and Link are finding that, despite the odds, they work well together. Asher’s life becomes more complicated however when his girlfriend wants to know why he’s constantly avoiding her questions about his sudden decrease in free time.
1.03 | Everyone’s On Strings Miles decides it’s time to break the fantasy and explain exactly why he’s training three people how to use magic. It’s not all fun and games - it’s also duty and danger.
1.04 | The Little Bad Asher, Evie and Link’s first encounter with a dark sorcerer does not go well and just shows they have a lot left to learn.
1.05 | The Neighbourhood Sorcerer
1.06 | The First Test
1.07 | The Guild of Sorcery
1.08 | Sorcerer Social
1.09 | Doctorate of Glowy Hands
1.10 | Breathe
1.11 | Dark Dreams
1.12 | Darker WakingCREATORS NOTES |
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 19, 2017 16:41:00 GMT -6
So, in an effort to make sure I am prepared to pitch a webisode series on the VPN I managed to complete a second episode for my idea. I'm pretty happy with my work ethic for writing at the moment, I just have to hope I can keep it up!
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 17, 2017 17:48:58 GMT -6
5.02 "Acting 102" Review
I'm back! and reviewing Auditions second episode of season five, 'Acting 102'.
So the episode opening with the closing down of their acting class I think is a great way to move the story forward and put Alex and Alisha into a new, and probably uncomfortable for them, situation. It was a really smart move to make sure that their acting classes wouldn't become stale, and it also gave a great opportunity to introduce a whole cast of interesting new players, but more on that later.
A quick interlude with Mia and David, and again I really like their dynamic and relationship. It feels very natural and I like that they're very different people and a bit part of their relationship so far as been them showing each other their interests and the other embracing it. It's really nice to see a relationship like that, and here's hoping there's not too much drama for them in the near future, because I do really like them together.
I must admit, seeing Michael really interested in doing something is adding a lot to his character that I felt was lacking in earlier sequences. Again, it's nice to see him and Paula still getting on like 'besties' but I'm interested to see when this romantic undertone/tension that is being played out, especially on Paula's side at the moment, will come to a head.
And back to Alex and Alisha for their new acting class. Hopefully this new acting class will be just what Alex and Alisha need to get out of the rut that they seem to have fallen into. We're introduced, like I said, to a whole host of new characters, and while we didn't get a lot of indiction about their personalities, they come off as different enough from each other to create some interesting situations or conflict. I look forward to seeing each of these new fellow acting students elaborated on in future episodes.
Overall a good episode and enjoyable read.
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 16, 2017 19:10:20 GMT -6
So out of curiosity I was having a look at your latest episode, the Christmas special 'Goodwill', and what was supposed to be a quick skim ended up with me reading most of the episode. I don't know a lot about the characters you've based the series around or their stories in your series up until this point but I found myself getting really interested in what was happening.
So I just wanted to pop in and say I really liked the episode and I should probably go back and read your first season now, haha!
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 15, 2017 19:32:41 GMT -6
So in an effort to get to know some of the people and the shows around the VPN I started reading Audition. Since it is a webisode series the shorter episodes made it less daunting as a starting point, even through it is into it's fifth sequence now (and hopefully I got all that virtual series terminology right!). I've actually read sequences 1-4 (and no, I don't read that fast, I started reading before I officially became a member) and just read 5.01, so I figured I'd include a little 'what I think of Audition so far' section before trying my hand at a proper review for 23 days.
Audition Sequences 1-4
So I'll be totally honest, Audition's genre and story probably isn't something I'd normally watch or read so that may colour my opinions and how I've perceived the series. That said, it was a very easy read and I did enjoy it for the most part.
One thing I noticed reading the whole backlog of episodes in a very short time was that your storylines and the characters have matured, for lack of a better term, with each new sequence. I found the series to be a little over the top and silly with the humour at first and felt the juxtaposition between that and some of the really serious storylines that played out in the first sequence or two didn't do the storytelling any favours. As you've progressed through the story though, that humour has kind of settled down into something that works a lot better with the drama aspect of the series and I found myself enjoying the later sequences a lot more because of that.
Character development has also been something that has improved a lot as you progressed through sequences. I felt that a lot of the characters outside your main cast (Alex, Alisha, Michael, and Paula) were very two dimensional in the first and second sequences, but in the current sequences side characters seem a lot more rounded out with interesting facets in their personality. Mia is probably my favourite example of this, where she was introduced as a typical bitchy young actor but over time it becomes clear that while she is bitchy and a little self serving, she can also be sympathetic and cares about her friends. Basically, with Mia I liked how you made her a character people can identify with and root for without doing a total one-eighty on her personality to make her likable.
Alex and Alisha have been solid leads and I'm always a fan of male/female relationships that aren't pushed as something romantic. Sometimes it's nice seeing just a solid friendship, which is what you provided with them. Admittedly I don't know much about acting and Hollywood so I can't comment on all their acting and filmmaking work, but I do like that they didn't, and you could arguably say still haven't, found much success yet and still need to work really hard to achieve their dreams, which seems to be an underlying theme for them. With their fair share of drama and arguments it's nice seeing them always come back to each other and they are both great gateways into this world you've build for Audition.
Michael I'm not really fussed about either way, and I know that's so horrible to say but there's nothing about him that has really grabbed me. He's felt very reactive for most of these sequences but I did start to enjoy some of his scenes in sequence four when he wanted to start working on scriptwriting. And, despite Michael not being a favourite character of mine, his scenes with the two pot smoking women who wanted write and film something were quite possibly the scenes I've found the funniest so far in Audition. Hopefully with Michael taking on a bit more of an active 'go get'ed' attitude I'll warm up to him a lot more.
Paula is the last major character I'm going to talk about or I'll be writing for ages! I felt Paula suffered a little from that two-dimensional thing I mentioned earlier in the beginning. I felt like she was only there to be crazy and outlandish which, personally, I found a little grating because I prefer a more subtle style of humour, especially in written works where you can't see and actor pulling of the physical movements/actions that may have made it funny to watch as opposed to read. That said, like most of the other characters, Paula has developed through the seasons and I feel like her craziness has been toned down to the point where I can appreciate it as a character trait of hers without feeling like I'm being hit over the head by it every time she enters a scene. I've gotten some genuine laughs out of some of her dialogue in the later seasons, even if I do find some of it still a little over the top.
On the technical writing front, I've noticed there's usually a couple of missing words or other typos/grammar per episode and while it's normally not a bother sometimes it really sticks out like a sore thumb and takes me out of the action. So as some constructive criticism I would just say make sure to watch out for those, because it makes for some really weird sentences or dialogue!
In conclusion, while Audition isn't my normal cup of tea it's enjoyable enough that I'd be happy to continue reading to see what happens to these characters. It's obvious that the series is improving with every sequence so I look forward to seeing what happens in sequence five and the storylines and character development that await!
5.01 | 23 Days Review
Okay, now to try and test out my reviewing ability on a single episode.
The first thing I want to point out is that I really enjoyed the flow of this episode. It read really easily and I didn't even realise until I got to the end that it was quite a few pages longer than a normal episode. To try and structure my review I'm going to break it down into the major storylines for the episode, so here we go:
Alisha and Alex
So as mentioned in my big Audition review I really like Alex and Alisha's relationship. It was nice to see them hanging out here and seeing Alex looking after Alisha who was very, very intoxicated. It was a pity Alisha was so drunk she wasn't able to take note of Alex opening up to her, but like it was mentioned in the dialogue, I don't think he would have said anything if he though she might actually be paying attention. I believe Alex spoke to Rose about how he was feeling a little bit in the last sequence, but it seems like his emotional state at the moment is running the very real risk of dipping into depression if it hasn't already. Also, here's hoping that this going out and drinking a lot trend isn't something Alex and Alisha use to try and deal with emotions they don't want to have.
Mia and David
I really, really like Mia and David's scenes. They just seem really genuine together here, what with Mia trying to learn all that comic book knowledge because she knows David likes it, and David really taking Mia's advice on board and trusting that she's trying to help him. Probably my favourite scenes in this episode.
The Band
Not too much going on here, but it's nice to see Rose pushing Robbie and Flynn to do more with their band and maybe take a few more steps closer to their dreams.
Paula and Michael
In a turn of events, Michael is the one dropping by unexpectedly at Paula's house. Obviously there are some feelings now happening between these two that either weren't there or were going unrealised before. It's been fairly obvious through the past sequences that this was probably where Paula and Michael were heading but I guess now the story evolves into 'will they act on it' and possibly even 'will it work'. I can't say this really came as a surprise, more of a 'oh, we're finally here!' moment, but I'm curious to see your take on this popular romance trope.
Conclusion
Overall a good episode to start a season as it opens up a lot of doors and poses a number of questions to be explored through the rest of the sequence. A good re-intoducton to all the characters and where they're at. Hopefully I'll be able to read and review some more episodes for you soon.
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 15, 2017 18:08:16 GMT -6
So I just finished writing the first episode of a webisode series I would like to pitch here on the VPN. I was actually surprised at how easily I was able to get into it and get the whole thing done! I just need to do some editing now and hopefully I will have a pitch and pilot for you all to look at soon.
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Post by A. Blackwood on Jan 12, 2017 0:23:00 GMT -6
This series looks really interesting Darrin and I'm looking forward to reading it! I love fantasy (and by extension supernatural) so this sounds like it would be right up my alley. Hopefully I'll be able to provide you with a couple of reviews once I start reading.
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