A Study in Haphazard Magic (with pilot)

[A. Blackwood]

The world is a wonderful place full of all kinds of magic - a sunset over water, finding five dollars you didn’t know you had when you really need a coffee, a single flower growing through a crack in the concrete, and the ability to create fire with a snap of your fingers. It’s this last kind of magic, the mystical unexplained-by-science type of magic, that can be harnessed and used by those with a certain aptitude.

Like any powerful force, magic draws many types of people to it. It attracts people who wish to study it, experiment with it, and use it for good, but also those who would abuse it for less than honourable purposes. Time and time again people with dark souls have tried to use magic to advance their own nefarious plans, but time and time again there have been magic users willing to stand up to them and protect those who can’t protect themselves.

The Guild of Sorcery is one such group of people, focused on the study of magic and preventing its use for evil. Only the Guild has grown complacent over time, allowing their numbers and power to dwindle. Those with nefarious plans and dark hearts began to rally in the shadows, biding their time and combining their strength. The Guild found itself in dire need of magic users to carry on their cause but those who can harness magic are few and far between.

Miles Kurr is a well established magic user and member of the Guild of Sorcery. He was never one with a patience for learning and study but he has always been a righteous man with an innate skill for magic. So when desperate times came upon them the Guild sent him and a number of others forth to find and train a new generation of magic users and Guild members.

In the end, Miles found three proteges; Asher, a college student with incredible magic potential, Evie, a tattoo artist who takes to magic like she was born with it, and Link, a personal trainer and part time photographer who is still just in awe that magic exists. They’re young and untrained but the Guild of Sorcery is relying on Miles, and he thinks with enough training Asher, Evie, and Link may just be the saving grace the Guild is looking for.




ASHER GHELLINI

Asher was on his way to the ideal life. He was working part time in IT support to help pay for the small apartment he shared with his amazing girlfriend, Meredith, while also working his way through a maths and computing degree and maintaining a decent GPA. Well, he still has all of that, now he just also has to add magic training on the side without letting his girlfriend know. Miles insists that Asher has the potential for amazing feats of magic, but growing up a science and technology geek is making it hard for Asher to embrace the unknown and unexplained.


EVELYN “EVIE” MARUYAMA

In a family of high achievers Evie, well, isn’t. Not by conventional standards anyway. Her interests lie in the artistic and while that doesn’t really help one if they’re looking to become a doctor or a lawyer, it certainly helped her take to magic like a duck to water. She was discovered by Miles while working at her tattoo parlour Ink Webs and he regularly laments that she is both the favourite and least favourite protege he has ever mentored. Evie is outspoken, fun-loving, and bound to be the bane of all evil sorcerers she encounters—if she is able focus on her training.


LINCOLN “LINK” JARRELL

Link never would have guessed that his life would involve actual magic. He was just living his life one day at a time, focused on his part time personal training job and photography course that would hopefully kickstart his career outside of health and fitness. A life long fan of superheroes and epic fantasy, Miles introducing Link to a world of magic was like having all his dreams come true at once. He may not be as strong as Asher or as intuitive as Evie when it comes to magic, but he’s eager to learn everything he possibly can about it.


MILES KURR

Miles joined the Guild when he was a young and impressionable sorcerer but while the years have made him wiser and stronger, they have also made him bitter and cynical. Disappointed with the Guild’s lax attitude over the past century, he agreed to help find new members on the condition that he got to do things his way. The Guild wasn’t in much of a position to argue so they let him go. Miles has never thought of himself as much of a teacher, but desperate times call for desperate measures and at least he likes his students, even if he doesn’t like teaching them.

1.01 | Team Magic (click here for episode -updated Jan 25th-) 

Asher, Evie, and Link have been training to use magic with Miles for a number of weeks but each thinks they’re his only student. There’s no time like the present to find out you’re actually part of a team.

1.02 | Run It Again

Magical training is taxing but Asher, Evie and Link are finding that, despite the odds, they work well together. Asher’s life becomes more complicated however when his girlfriend wants to know why he’s constantly avoiding her questions about his sudden decrease in free time.

1.03 | Everyone’s On Strings

Miles decides it’s time to break the fantasy and explain exactly why he’s training three people how to use magic. It’s not all fun and games - it’s also duty and danger.

1.04 | The Little Bad

Asher, Evie and Link’s first encounter with a dark sorcerer does not go well and just shows they have a lot left to learn.

1.05 | The Neighbourhood Sorcerer

1.06 | The First Test

1.07 | The Guild of Sorcery

1.08 | Sorcerer Social

1.09 | Doctorate of Glowy Hands

1.10 | Breathe

1.11 | Dark Dreams

1.12 | Darker Waking

CREATORS NOTES

So this is my first go at a virtual series pitch, hopefully all my observing and reading other pitches mean I've done everything correctly. Onto the notes about the series:

• Firstly this will be a webisode series consisting of 12 episodes a sequence (with the possibility of extra seasonal specials like I've seen some shows on the VPN do) and each episode being between 10-15 pages long.
• All episodes for sequence one have been planned out. Descriptions for episode 5 onwards were left out of the pitch to avoid giving away too much information about the sequence.
• Episodes 2 and 3 have been written should the admin team need to see them.
• I have not included a cast because at this point I don't have one. I'm not the kind of person with a lot of knowledge about actors and actresses so it was easier for me to just write characters and worry about casting (if I have to) later on. Hopefully it's not to the detriment of the pitch.
• Finally, I hope you enjoy! I doubt it's perfect (when has any written piece been perfect?) but I'm really proud of this pitch and idea

[Brady Brown]

I love this pitch, and I love this idea.

This is so well thought out and crafted in such a mesmerizing way. Everything having to do with magic interests me, so I'm totally on board with this. I love the idea of this Guild, and the interactions between Miles and his students can lead to some incredible scenes and development. I'm ready to check out the pilot, which I'll hopefully do soon.

Also, don't worry about having a cast. I actually think it's pretty intruiging that you don't have one, but in the end it's up to you. Casts are great.

[Jon Van Pelt]

Cool pitch!

I’ve just finished reading the pilot episode. Though it doesn’t have this ‘big bang’ that makes you sit on the edge of your seat, it does introduce the main characters very well. Definitely a show I’d want to read so hoping this series gets picked up.

[Jay Paterson]

First off, what a great pitch! 

Magic has always been a subject I enjoyed, and your premise already has me all sorts of interested. Having a read through your pitch I can tell you have put a lot of thought into the world you've created here and I already have lots of questions brewing in my mind, especially concerning The Guild of Sorcery. On to the pilot itself-- 

I loved the character introductions, it gave a clear insight into who these three individuals are, and their personality shone through considerably. That being said, I do feel like something was missing, and it has a lot to do with the final scene involving Miles. You have a great nine pages of character building and introducing these three protagonists to your audience and then just a final two pages when it feels like we're getting into the thick of things. I do feel like extending the scene involving Miles would improve this, as it did feel a little rushed or unfinished. It doesn't have to be by much; I just feel as though the ending of your pilot was a little anti-climatic and it needed something to make me go, "I need to know more" you know what I mean? Some big reveal, if you will; to set up your story. 

I'd also like to add something about Miles' dialogue. Nothing major, just something I think could tighten up the end scene. When he discusses why they have been brought together to become a team, his first line is, "Each of you had the potential for magic." I'm just thinking if I was a reader going into this blind not knowing much about the show beforehand, I would have been a little thrown off by this. The script so far had been Asher, Evie, and Miles living a normal life, so it seems a bit out of the blue. Maybe having him reference what each of them had been doing before this meeting, i.e. why and what he had been training them separately up until this moment, why he chose them (since we didn't get to see this) and/or some reference to The Guild. Maybe not giving the whole reason why The Guild of Sorcery had sent him but giving the audience and your characters enough intrigue to want to know more. Even something like that could add enough mystery to make me have that, "I need to know more" moment without having to change the ending you currently have.

Anyway, these are just my opinions, take them for what they are. It is of course up to you how you arrange the episode. I'm sure there are going to be plenty of more reviews in the coming weeks that will help you decide what is best for you and your show. 

Keep with it; I honestly think this has massive potential and with a little tightening up, this would be an excellent show for theVPN to have on their roster. I already adore the characters and the world you've created, so I am rooting for this to be picked up. 

 

[A. Blackwood]

Jan 21, 2017 19:16:11 GMT -6 Brady Brown said:

I love this pitch, and I love this idea.

This is so well thought out and crafted in such a mesmerizing way. Everything having to do with magic interests me, so I'm totally on board with this. I love the idea of this Guild, and the interactions between Miles and his students can lead to some incredible scenes and development. I'm ready to check out the pilot, which I'll hopefully do soon.

Also, don't worry about having a cast. I actually think it's pretty intruiging that you don't have one, but in the end it's up to you. Casts are great.

Thank you Brady! I was very nervous when I saw my pitch had a comment on it but you certainly put me at ease. It has been a lot of fun coming up with the world and the magic and should I be lucky enough to have my series picked up I'm going to very much enjoy exploring it!

I'm looking forward to hearing what you think of the pilot, hopefully it lives up to the pitch

Jon Van Pelt said:

Cool pitch!

I’ve just finished reading the pilot episode. Though it doesn’t have this ‘big bang’ that makes you sit on the edge of your seat, it does introduce the main characters very well. Definitely a show I’d want to read so hoping this series gets picked up.

Thank you Jon!

I did struggle a bit with the pilot episode and, like you said, incorporating a 'Big Bang' moment, but ultimately I felt a slow burn was better. It may not be a typical way to start a series, I know more often than not writers tend towards something big and dramatic for a draw in the first episode, but hopefully there is enough intrigue in the first episode to make you want to see what happens next.

Thanks again for reading, it's very much appreciated!

[A. Blackwood]

Jan 22, 2017 6:32:05 GMT -6 Jay Paterson said:

First off, what a great pitch! 

Magic has always been a subject I enjoyed, and your premise already has me all sorts of interested. Having a read through your pitch I can tell you have put a lot of thought into the world you've created here and I already have lots of questions brewing in my mind, especially concerning The Guild of Sorcery. On to the pilot itself-- 

Thank you very much Jay!

The idea is to introduce the audience to this huge hidden world of magic along with the characters, and I can assure there is a lot to learn about, the Guild included.

Jay Paterson said:

I loved the character introductions, it gave a clear insight into who these three individuals are, and their personality shone through considerably. That being said, I do feel like something was missing, and it has a lot to do with the final scene involving Miles. You have a great nine pages of character building and introducing these three protagonists to your audience and then just a final two pages when it feels like we're getting into the thick of things. I do feel like extending the scene involving Miles would improve this, as it did feel a little rushed or unfinished. It doesn't have to be by much; I just feel as though the ending of your pilot was a little anti-climatic and it needed something to make me go, "I need to know more" you know what I mean? Some big reveal, if you will; to set up your story. 

I must admit I'm very proud of the character introductions and definitely felt when I was writing that they would be the strongest part of the episode. In regards to the end of the episode, it was somewhat deliberate to leave it where it was, to go any further would have prolonged the episode more than I would have liked and possibly lead into a big information dump session- something I really didn't want to finish the first episode. That said, I will definitely go back and see what I can do to give the final scene a bit of extra something without veering into territory I don't want to explore in the first episode.

Jay Paterson said:

I'd also like to add something about Miles' dialogue. Nothing major, just something I think could tighten up the end scene. When he discusses why they have been brought together to become a team, his first line is, "Each of you had the potential for magic." I'm just thinking if I was a reader going into this blind not knowing much about the show beforehand, I would have been a little thrown off by this. The script so far had been Asher, Evie, and Miles living a normal life, so it seems a bit out of the blue. Maybe having him reference what each of them had been doing before this meeting, i.e. why and what he had been training them separately up until this moment, why he chose them (since we didn't get to see this) and/or some reference to The Guild. Maybe not giving the whole reason why The Guild of Sorcery had sent him but giving the audience and your characters enough intrigue to want to know more. Even something like that could add enough mystery to make me have that, "I need to know more" moment without having to change the ending you currently have.

In regards to your comments here, I wanted to address the possibility of being thrown off by Miles talking about how each of them had the potential for magic. While yes, it could be surprising for someone going into the show with little information to find out that magic is actually a big part of the story, I find it very unlikely that it would be the case. At the very least I would expect a reader to know the title of the series, and since it contains the word 'magic' I'd like to think a reader would be primed enough to not find it that much of a surprise. There was also an intent in the writing for magic to show up in the episode with little fuss, establishing that, just like their jobs, study, and relationships, this has become a fairly normal part of their life. Also, Miles speaking about magic isn't the first time magic shows up in the episode- Evie very clearly opens the door with magic before we meet Miles, which I hope would start to give unsuspecting readers the heads up that there is more to these characters than meets the eye.

I also want to explain a little bit as to my choices for not including some of the things you suggest here, just so you know I'm not being stubborn about not wanting to include it, haha!
Why Miles doesn't mention what each of them had been doing: Miles has been teaching and testing them all on the same things so to state this would just be telling them things they already know. Evie, Link, and Asher also jump to the conclusion that the others have been undergoing at least similar sessions with Miles, hence while Miles doesn't bother to mention it.
Explanation as to why they have been trained separately: Is mentioned in passing with one of Miles' lines- "I thought surely
only one of you would show any
real skill but, alas, I was
wrong." He planned to dump them as students if he didn't think they had enough talent essentially, and that was easier done if they didn't know about each other.
Why we don't see how he chose them: Mostly because I plan to go back to this later. I did consider beginning the series with him choosing them but it would have proved for some very boring episodes or a decent jump in time, neither of which I wanted.
No mentions of the Guild: Deliberately done on Miles' part. He doesn't want them to know about the Guild for reasons that are explained in episode three. 

However, I do agree, as mentioned above, that there is probably something I can do to add a bit more of a hook in the last scene. While I can't use any of the suggestions you supplied here, I do very much appreciate the time you took to make them

Jay Paterson said:

Anyway, these are just my opinions, take them for what they are. It is of course up to you how you arrange the episode. I'm sure there are going to be plenty of more reviews in the coming weeks that will help you decide what is best for you and your show. 

Keep with it; I honestly think this has massive potential and with a little tightening up, this would be an excellent show for theVPN to have on their roster. I already adore the characters and the world you've created, so I am rooting for this to be picked up. 

 

Again thank you so much for your in depth review Jay. It's been very helpful in pushing me to go back and look over the last scene (which I was never 100% happy with but couldn't work out what else to do with it) and it's very encouraging to hear such positive feedback.

[Jack Malone]

So, I've read the pilot. For me, it was a really solid first episode for the series. You managed to introduce the three main characters in a way that gave us a taste of their personalities, how separate their lives are, their social environments, and then brought them together under the premise of the show. While I definitely understand Jay's perspective, the ending was that "I want to know/see more" moment for me because that last line of "training starts now" propels us into the story of what's to come. Yes, it might be a little abrupt, but within a "webisode" format it works. 

If anything, I would suggest a stronger opening scene to introduce us to this world, and this premise that the characters get roped into by episode's end. Perhaps introduce that element of magic from the get-go in a way that doesn't jeopardise the other "reveals" that follow as the episode plays out, and that grasps our attention from the very first page. Something that could either connect with Miles, and/or be completely separate from them all together that better connects with the purpose of training, and why training has to start now. For an example, I've recently started watching 'Trollhunters' and it's opening scene involves the main antagonist overpowering the current Trollhunter, and then introduces us to the main characters who get sucked into this foreign world. Perhaps something similar could open the story, and enhance the ending at the same time. Just a suggestion. 

Overall, I'm very excited to see this join the current line-up. I'm very excited to see an expansion of content for webisode series' on theVPN, and this feels like something fresh and interesting that could do very well here. From the structure, the focus on character-building, and even the subtle moments of humour that's sprinkled throughout, I can tell you're a strong writer and I'm definitely interested in seeing this show picked up. Hopefully more people jump in to offer their thoughts on the pilot in the coming weeks, and I wish you the best of luck with this project!

[A. Blackwood]

Jan 23, 2017 17:34:41 GMT -6 Jack Malone said:

So, I've read the pilot. For me, it was a really solid first episode for the series. You managed to introduce the three main characters in a way that gave us a taste of their personalities, how separate their lives are, their social environments, and then brought them together under the premise of the show. While I definitely understand Jay's perspective, the ending was that "I want to know/see more" moment for me because that last line of "training starts now" propels us into the story of what's to come. Yes, it might be a little abrupt, but within a "webisode" format it works. 

Thank you very much Jack! I'm glad you felt satisfied with the ending of the episode and your comments on why it worked for you give me some more things to consider now when I go back to look at that scene. I do think you're right about how that abruptness can work within the webisode format. I felt that to achieve everything I wanted to achieve in that episode (and keep it between 10-15 pages) some things were going to have to be very succinct and to the point, and I doubt anyone wants to read 10 pages of meandering filler and explanation for an episode anyway, haha

Jack Malone said:

If anything, I would suggest a stronger opening scene to introduce us to this world, and this premise that the characters get roped into by episode's end. Perhaps introduce that element of magic from the get-go in a way that doesn't jeopardise the other "reveals" that follow as the episode plays out, and that grasps our attention from the very first page. Something that could either connect with Miles, and/or be completely separate from them all together that better connects with the purpose of training, and why training has to start now. For an example, I've recently started watching 'Trollhunters' and it's opening scene involves the main antagonist overpowering the current Trollhunter, and then introduces us to the main characters who get sucked into this foreign world. Perhaps something similar could open the story, and enhance the ending at the same time. Just a suggestion. 

That's a very good suggestion and I will definitely see what I can do to possibly incorporate something like that into the start of the episode. Thanks for the advice!

Jack Malone said:

Overall, I'm very excited to see this join the current line-up. I'm very excited to see an expansion of content for webisode series' on theVPN, and this feels like something fresh and interesting that could do very well here. From the structure, the focus on character-building, and even the subtle moments of humour that's sprinkled throughout, I can tell you're a strong writer and I'm definitely interested in seeing this show picked up. Hopefully more people jump in to offer their thoughts on the pilot in the coming weeks, and I wish you the best of luck with this project!

I've probably said it a few times already in this response but thank you very much for taking the time to read and offer your suggestions Jack. It's super encouraging to get such positive feedback and the suggestions on where improvements could be made (from everyone so far) have been really helpful

[Jay Paterson]

It was interesting reading your notes on why certain subjects cannot be touched on this early in the series and its left me with even more questions and intrigue. (But I guess I'll have to wait on episodes airing to find out the answers) Of course, you know your world better than anyone, so I am sure you will find that perfect idea you're looking for to add to the pilot. Whether that be Jack's suggestion of working on an alternative opening (which btw, I love) or something entirely different that comes to mind, is completely up to you. 

I apologise that I did not touch on your writing. I just wanted to add that it was very well written. The pilot flowed seamlessly, which made it really easy for me to read. So kudos on that! 

As I've mentioned before, I am very into this premise, and should you upload a second draft I will be more than happy to give you my thoughts on it. 

PS: Just out of curiosity, can I ask where Bearport is located? I noticed Miles was Scottish so I was wondering is this was based somewhere else in the UK, or the US etc.

[A. Blackwood]

Jan 24, 2017 1:38:56 GMT -6 Jay Paterson said:

It was interesting reading your notes on why certain subjects cannot be touched on this early in the series and its left me with even more questions and intrigue. (But I guess I'll have to wait on episodes airing to find out the answers) Of course, you know your world better than anyone, so I am sure you will find that perfect idea you're looking for to add to the pilot. Whether that be Jack's suggestion of working on an alternative opening (which btw, I love) or something entirely different that comes to mind, is completely up to you. 

I apologise that I did not touch on your writing. I just wanted to add that it was very well written. The pilot flowed seamlessly, which made it really easy for me to read. So kudos on that! 

As I've mentioned before, I am very into this premise, and should you upload a second draft I will be more than happy to give you my thoughts on it. 

PS: Just out of curiosity, can I ask where Bearport is located? I noticed Miles was Scottish so I was wondering is this was based somewhere else in the UK, or the US etc.

I'm glad you found the notes interesting! I must admit it was very hard trying to explain why I did things the way I did in response to your concerns without giving away to much, and I wanted to give you good reasons and explanations so you didn't think I was just brushing aside your responses.

And thank you very much for the comment on the writing, I'm glad it was easy for you to read

As for where Bearport is, I'm one of those people who prescribes to the 'always use a fictional city' school of writing because it means I don't have to spend time researching actual cities, I can just make one up and put everything I need into it. Personally I imagine Bearport as being a city in a fictional US, because I feel the US allows for the most flexibility. In all honesty, you could probably imagine it as being in quite a few places unless I've ruled it out in the writing somehow (for example, we know it isn't Scotland because Miles' accent is something that's noted as out of the norm) but in my head it's the US.

[A. Blackwood]

Just wanted to give everyone a quick update: On the basis of reviews received so far I have provided an updated pilot episode script (link in pitch). Majority of the script remains the same with only small changes for editing, but I have added a completely new scene to the start of the episode to help set up the world a little bit more.

Hopefully those who have read the script find the change an improvement, and those who have yet to read but will soon- hopefully you enjoy!

[Jay Paterson]

I have had a read over the additional scene, and I have to say I'm glad you took Jack's note on board about working on the start of the episode in order to enhance the ending. When I initially read the pilot, I felt as though something was missing. I wanted some sort of explanation added, more of Miles or even magic to play a bigger part in it as it only became apparent during the last few pages.

I think with the addition of this new scene, referencing the guild, the council and sorcerors it helped in rounding out the pilot as a whole.

Really impressed with the updated draft.

[Darrin McCann]

I would like to start with how I totally agree with what Jay said. The addition of that first scene added exactly what the episode was lacking for me. Don't get me wrong, the original draft was good but by adding that scene it became great. I would totally read this religiously. Your dialogue was great. Each character has a distinctive voice. Their introductions were done really well. Your description painted the world beautifully. The story and idea is giving me The Magicians vibe and I'm living for it. Just overall great job. You've set up things for the next episode that I can't wait to see where you take us. Just a really great job! Would love to see this picked up.

[A. Blackwood]

Jan 29, 2017 10:53:53 GMT -6 Darrin McCann said:

I would like to start with how I totally agree with what Jay said. The addition of that first scene added exactly what the episode was lacking for me. Don't get me wrong, the original draft was good but by adding that scene it became great. I would totally read this religiously. Your dialogue was great. Each character has a distinctive voice. Their introductions were done really well. Your description painted the world beautifully. The story and idea is giving me The Magicians vibe and I'm living for it. Just overall great job. You've set up things for the next episode that I can't wait to see where you take us. Just a really great job! Would love to see this picked up.

I totally agree. Jay brought up what was bugging me about the episode (that it felt like it was missing something) and Jack provided the solution with suggesting an opening scene, so it was kind of a group effort! I'm glad you felt it improved the episode too!

Thank you for such kind commentary too! It makes me happy to make people who read my work happy, it's the most encouraging kind of feedback