The Wolfpack [Supernatural Drama]

[Jay Paterson]

OK, so i have just finished my first draft of my teaser and would like you guys to check it out and give me some feed back. Keep in mind that this is the first ever piece of script writing I've done so don't be too harsh xD I'd love some constructive criticism and pointers. It still needs a bit of work as it lacks detail in a lot of it but i wanted to show you guys it to make sure i'm on the right track.

so here it is:
jaypaterson.weebly.com/uploads/1/2/4/3/12434521/the_wolfpack_-_1x01.pdf


As well as leaving your own feedback i have a few of questions?

1. The teaser is a reference to 'Little Red Riding Hood' do you think this is a good or bad idea?
2. I'm now wondering that there should be more tension and mystery between Shawn and Anna in the car rather than flirty. what do you think?
3. And also do you think the them talking is too long compared to the attack itself?

for anyone that reads and comments thank you !

[Dan Wallace]

Really enjoyed the teaser, it did its job i really want more. Couple spelling mistakes but that's just little stuff. As for your questions, thought it was pretty cool the way your threw in the little red reference, the reference was over quick and i feel like I wouldn't have noticed if you hadn't mentioned it. The flirty aspect didn't ruin anything for me, she trusted him and I feel like that was shown by the way they interacted.Good read man, looking forward to reading more.

[Jay Paterson]

Thanks for the feedback Dan. Damn those spelling mistakes xD. Maybe in my own head it seemed more of a 'Little Red' reference. I meant for the whole teaser to symbolize that famous wolf story with her visiting her grandma, and wearing a red coat and lipstick etc. and of course the 'eyes' reference but maybe it didn't come across that way. I'm glad you liked the flirty aspect, its what came natural to the story when writing it. I was just worried in case it took away from the 'scary' side of it.

Thanks again for the feedback, I hope to get more done over summer now that i'm done with college.

[MJ]

I just gave the teaser a quick read through and it's pretty good

Some things to watch out for:
-Make sure your action writing stays in present tense if describing a current action. I think it only happened once but it stood out to me XD
-A few spelling and grammar errors but I think most of them could be picked up by doing a really thorough edit yourself or getting someone else to read through it
-A few sentence structure things that irked me but nothing that was really horrible

I like the storyline so far and despite those small things I pointed out it's quite well written

[Jay Paterson]

Thanks M.J. the first point is a really good one actually. I felt myself explaining in past tense and having to go back and change it cause it seemed wrong. Yeah I've looked over it there myself and noticed some spelling mistakes. Some word's i'm not sure about as the US and UK have different spellings, like i just found out you spell color were as we spell it colour. wierd huh? I agree with the sentence structure i was just kinda briefly writing it just now so i will sort all of that out when i go back over it in edit.

Thanks again M.J. your feedback helped alot

[MJ]

I wouldn't bother with the different spellings for UK vs. US. I'm Australian so I'm more familiar with the UK spelling of words but my Microsoft Word changes things to American English and my internet spell checker prefers UK English so I end up with this crazy mix of both spellings XD

Anyway, as long as the word is spelt correctly in one of them I'm sure it will be fine

[The Doctor]

Well I have to say... That teaser was really good
Love the little red reference. And aside from some spelling mistakes it was really well written
Can't wait to see the finished pilot

[Jay Paterson]

Thanks guys for all the support, I've been planning this for quite some time now and should be able to give you guys a pilot to read sometime soon. Episode 1 is all outlined and ready to be written and the rest of the season is almost planned, just a few kinks i have to sort out first.

[Jay Paterson]

UPDATE: Episodes 1-5, summary's complete.

[Jay Paterson]

Just found an old version of the opening credits i made. I couldnt fit all of the main cast in so i will have to make a new one but i thought i would lets you guys see it if your interested.

[Deleted]

Dude, that's a pretty epic opening credits. Love it!!

[Dan Wallace]

Awesome! That was an epic opening!

[Jay Paterson]

Thanks Guys

[Matthew James]

Wow, Jay those credits were just amazing, can't wait to see your new ones.

[Megan Roberts]

I have to say, firstly I was attracted by the title of the series. I love the name you've chosen because it's simple and direct to what the show is exactly about. I've always been a fan of Supernatural themed shows, so this was definitely something that attracted me. This is probably one of the most creative and engaging pith I've seen in such a long time, congratulations Jay.

Secondly, the whole setup and mythology of the show is really interesting so far. I really do love that you've given the werewolves individual and specific abilities instead of them being quite general and passive like they've been portrayed in other shows. I am a fan of the whole darker element that you mentioned and I can definitely get that impression. As mentioned before, the comparison of Teen Wolf and this pitch is probably because of the college setting and the character's involvement but that's not bad because there needs to be that neutral base that glues people together. I would've assumed that Black Creek wasn't an especially big town and it could've done with that just to avoid the comparison between shows but it's not a big deal. I also see some similarities with The Secret Circle because of the whole mythology and plot of the show. I really do like and is probably an added bonus for me personally, haha.

I really love the casting of the show, I'm a big fan of a number of them. I love that you haven't chosen someone very common to play the lead because I don't think Steven Strait is that hugely popular, so it's easier to imagine him playing this character. I am pretty excited that you cast Amber Heard because I've been a fan of hers for so long now.

Overall, this is a pretty amazing pitch and I cannot wait to see to see more. Good luck! I'm eagerly waiting xD


PS. I love the credits <3

[Jamison]

This is a show I've always been heaps excited for. I'm glad that you're still working on it, Jay, because it's got loads of potential. And I really can't for the pilot to be released whenever you think it's ready! Still rooting for this show.

[Jay Paterson]

Thanks for the kind words guys. I'm really happy that you guys are still interested in this show after all this time. It kind of makes me scared if I'm honest, I'm still really quite new to this whole script writing gig, so I don't want to let you guys down. I hope your expectations aren't higher that what I have to offer.

I have been working on it again this week, for the first time in a long time. I feel with fresh eyes I've been able to improve on a few things. I have one and a half Acts before its complete. I really can't wait to see what you guys think.

[Jamison]

And we can't wait to read it, Jay! Finishing the script is the first step. Don't worry about trying to make it perfect because you'll never get it done. You'll always find things in your scripts that you think need to be fixed or could have been better. Some things you will be able to improve on in 2nd and 3rd drafts. But it's an endless cycle. We just have to keep writing and get better as we go.