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I was a bit conflicted on this initial introduction of Nate. Partly because if you were watching this as a show you wouldn't actually know this guy was actually called Nate until the scene with Mags later on. I was kind of trying to emulate that with not revealing his name right away (because this is, of course, only to be consumed by readers and not watchers). I don't know if that makes the decision better or not? With knowing my intention for the scene do you have any different suggestions on how to better but keep that 'reveal' of Nate a surprise until later? Or do you still think it's best just to introduce him has Nate straight up?



Yeah, I was playing with the idea of giving them names but I wasn't sure. Since you're a bit more across script writing technique than I am, is there a general rule of thumb on when to give characters proper names? When to give them the names like you suggested (eg. Dressed Up Woman), and if you should ever just call them things like 'woman #1, woman #2' etc.?



I wouldn't call them not bright. They're young women, out having a good time, and have drunk a little too much which is impairing what would probably be pretty good judgement. I'm not going to lie, it is a dumb decision and occasionally people make them. This time it resulted in the death of a young woman just trying to have fun, maybe find a random hook up in the aftermath of a bad break up- I don't know. You know, there are a lot of serial killers who manage to lure women in because those woman make what might simply be a small lapse of judgement at the time. That's what predators do, they exploit weakness, and in this case Nate picked well. As far as the girls were concerned he was a hot mysterious guy eyeing their friend, they thought it would be funny for her to go speak to him, and as far as they're concerned he turns out to be a nice guy. He buys Isabel drinks, he charms her, makes her laugh, all while her friends keep an eye on her. When eventually Isabel and Nate start getting a bit hands on, her friends just think she's found a good hook-up. When they start heading towards the back her friends figure they're heading for a quickie in the bathroom or something. The first hint Isabel gets that Nate is not a nice guy is when she knocks his hat off. The only reason we know he's a bad guy is because I'm playing the trope straight- it's exactly the same kind of scene you'd see in numerous crime shows, only this time the killer is the protagonist, not the cops.



Yeah, I'll definitely think about incorporating an introduction for Nate that's similar to the other characters, I don't think I did originally because of his sort of drawn out introduction over the teaser. I'll probably cut the line out about Angeline's age too. That's another bit I was a bit iffy about and wasn't sure if I should keep it or not but left it in because up until now no one else had commented on it. Thanks for the positive comments about the rest of the introductory stuff- I'm never to sure how I should introduce my characters because everyone tends to do it differently, but to hear I'm doing something right with some of them means that I can focus on continuing in that trend, which is cool.



That's actually super helpful and I'll totally work on implementing that. To be honest I do treat VS scripts a little bit differently than I would an actual script intended for filming. Because VS is entirely a written medium I do tend to add those extra little descriptions to help set the scene. I know it's not to everyone's taste, but I do sometimes like to add that little bit of extra description because there's no picture to do it for me in a couple of seconds and a lot of my extra descriptions do world build and add little tidbits that are likely to come into play later. That said, if it seriously ruins the script I'll leave them out. I just feel like sometime by sticking to just the bare minimum or currently relevant info doesn't allow me to set up some little things the way I'd like to- like foreshadowing through something that seems arbitrary in a scene but comes back to be important in a later episode.



Ah, well you're actually going to hate me here because the swearing for the sake of swearing is going to be sticking around, especially for Mags who is quite vulgar in that regard. The swearing isn't supposed to have a point, it's there because these vampires are rude, crude, and don't give a shit about it to be honest. I did warn for language because I knew it might upset some people but I think four times in a 29 page script is hardly excessive and, bar a few characters for whom it is a bit of a trait or habit, there's usually a good reason for it.



Oops, that's actually a mistake, left over from when it was two episodes and not one. Told you I hadn't had my editor check through it at this point XD



It's actually not meant to be funny at all. Vampire's live during the night and sleep (the little they do sleep) during the day. For me it made sense for them to say 'morning' when bidding someone goodbye in the morning, and 'evening' when they're saying hello at the start of the night. It's just a little vampire quirk, like how Angeline is Mags' 'vamp mom' and rather than 'digging your own grave' a vampire would 'sharpen you own stake'. It's to show that as a community they live differently to humans and have their own way of talking about things and their own references and so on. Sorry it confused you!



That's mostly just Angeline being funny. She has an odd sense of humour but hey, that's what happens when you live to be as old as Angeline is. She's also just testing his initiative- Angeline doesn't do much of anything without reason.



(oops, forgot to respond to this bit for some reason originally, probably because I was writing at like, 12am) I think Angeline actually asks him to email them to her- oh, wait, that's in my current edit not the one that you read, i just checked- so yeah, she actually asks him to email it to her because she'd prefer to have them on the computer rather than her tiny phone screen, also so she can file them away with other relevant information. As for the laptop being open next to her- she's just multitasking and using it for information while she writes her letter.



As far as I know continuous is used when you have a new slug but on a timeline that scene it happening directly after the previous one? Like if you end one scene and have continuous on the next slug it mean that the literal point in time the last scene left off is where the current one picks up. I don't know, I'm not expert but that's what I picked up from somewhere. I probably do need a new slug for Mags in the bedroom/bathroom though, but the kitchen is actually part of the main living area- it's open plan- so that one wouldn't.



Oh, okay, cool, did not know that. So is is jump cut if your with the same characters but jumping ahead with them, but smash cut if you have an abrupt cut between scenes? Just want to make sure I get this right because I looked it up but obviously missed something important there, haha!



That's not a problem! Like I said earlier I hadn't had this edited when I put it up because my editor (by which i mean my sister) said she couldn't be bothered doing it right then but I really wanted to put it up anyway XD She usually manages to catch 99% of my mistakes so normally there's not that many SPAG problems.



Thank you so much! Angeline is both easy and hard to write because she's always so many steps ahead of everyone I need to make sure I'm thinking like that too so I can pull her off. I'm glad it's working though- that and trying to portray just how powerful she is without having to give a literal demonstration of it, but from what you and others have said I'm doing okay with that too. So yes, that's good to hear. Oh, and of course if you have any inkling about the Duchess you know there's no way Nate is just and errand boy. He thinks he got off easy but he really hasn't XD



Oh yeah, I've tried to do some original stuff with the mythology but also stick with most of the more standard vampire lore too. There will definitely be more on that but I didn't want to do the whole 'bombard people with all the myth and lore straight up' and am attempting to weave it into the story in a way that feels organic. In episode two you get a little bit of explanation of how they get their blood supplied to them, and episode three will deal a bit with vampire politics, so the lore is there, i'm just finding the right times to work it in



Ah, yes, I couldn't possibly do a vampire series without hunters, let's be honest, haha! It is a really fine line I'm treading with the main characters because you're right, they're not really the best kind of people, and that is the point, so continuing to showcase them that way but also making them the people you become invested in and want to see them succeed is going to be hard. I guess the only way to see if that pans out or not is seeing how people react to future episodes because things get pretty dark and violent. And to alleviate your fears the hunters are in no way going to be incompetent, they're disrupting things left right and center in this first season and are going to be causing a lot of trouble come episode three.



Actually, I am 100% against the idea of Mags and Nate being romantically involved, so we're totally on the same page here (sorry for anyone who was hoping it would go this way!). I see Mags and Nate being amazing friends and a great partnership but I don't think their personalities, especially at the moment, would make them a good romantic couple. Let's be honest, Mags would rip Nate apart after too long of them trying to commit to a romantic relationship so it's not on the cards and i'm 99% sure it never will be. The complements are mostly Nate just being Nate, he's hardly serious and Mags knows that. They have an odd dynamic, sure, and some people may read that as romantic but I don't want to run that tired old gauntlet of the two partners who 'will they won't they' for who knows how long before ending up in the 'will they' category. Anyway, long answer is long but it all boils down to no romance- at least between these two anyway.



It was mixed, as you've pointed out, but it was also super helpful actually. I just wish you had been able to review it sooner, haha! You're constructive criticism had some really good points and technical tips that will help me refine this episode even more (and hopefully I remember them for future scripts) so all in all there was definitely some things for me to take away from it. I hope some of my explanations helped clear up some of my creative choices with you too (the scene with the girls at the start and the swearing come to mind).

Thanks so much for the review!

Yeah, I think half an hour is going to suit the show better and allow me to include all the good story elements in one episode, rather than having to have some duller episodes as set up, like I was going to need if I stuck with the traditional webisode style. As for Nate, I do have plans for him to be more than the one-dimentional asshole he comes across as in the beginning, but don't expect him to suddenly lose all those terrible personality traits, he's pretty much a douchebag through and through, even though he will get some more dimensions, haha!



I can say that, yes, we will see more of Charity and Salvador and they will develop their own story lines and so on. Episodes two and three get Salvador and Charity out and about respectively, but they will come in secondary to Nate and Mags at least for the first season or two.



Yeah, the Duchess is pretty to the point but that's just her character. Nate probably should have asked more questions about what he was getting into but since he didn't the Duchess was happy to leave details to a minimum because that worked better for her bigger plan.



With the extension into a half hour episode I probably will include a scene like that. It's a good idea actually, haha!



I addressed this in Chris' review also but pretty much I've decided to see what I can do about trimming the biggest chucks of description down, since it seems to be a really sticking point for readers at this point- make them more like the descriptions of the apartment.



If your only issue at this point is the description I can honestly say I'm pretty happy with that, lol! So yes, once I make the change to the half hour script and implement the feedback I'm hoping it will be a stellar read Thanks for the second review Brady!

Please note when I say random I mean random as in I haven't reviewed any episodes for a long while, not that I haven't read them. I must admit that while Audition isn't necessarily the genre of VS I'd usually read, the webisode format makes it really easy to read episodes whenever you have a little free time on your hands. So yes, I actually read the sequence three final not that long ago so it was fresh in my memory for this episode.

One of the main things that stood out in this episode for me was the real shift in tone away from the comedy that is pretty prevalent in most the other episodes, but I guess that's why the series is a dramedy and not just a straight comedy- it allows for you to mix it up like this every now and again. So yeah, kinda an intense episode to start the sequence, a lot of serious emotions flying around from everyone which, as a reader, really makes you sit up and take notice because you get the sense that things are super serious and there may not be a happy outcome. Thankfully there was, or, well, kinda was. It's nice to see David survived (though I honestly thought you were leading us towards a 'he's alive! but the bullet damaged his spine and now he's paralysed' thing) but the episode really didn't end on a happy note so it will be interesting to see how this all plays out in the next few episodes.

Now, this will probably surprise you, but for the first time ever I actually really enjoyed Paula's role in the episode. I've made no secret that I'm not a fan of the slap-sticky over the top kind of character that Paula is, but when you take a lot of that out of the equation I actually like how genuine and kind she is. Probably my favourite part of the episode was when she went to speak with Alisha. Rather than just listening to everyone else telling her to leave it be, she goes straight to where Alisha is hiding and, without infringing on her space and her need to be alone at that point, just lets her know that there are people who care about her and who'll be there for her once she's ready. It was just a really nice part of the script and, like I said, probably my favourite part.

Now just a few constructive criticism things. Sorry! You know it wouldn't be a proper MJ review if I didn't suggest some things I thought could be improved on XD First thing would just be to maybe do a little research on certain topics, in this case hospital procedures and news reporting. While most of the hospital stuff was plenty believable and well written, I should point out that when the doctor came out to speak with them I was kinda going 'huh?' because doctors really shouldn't be disclosing the details of a patient to anyone other than the emergency contact or immediate family, especially immediately after surgery. Just a little thing, and because we didn't actually see the scene it's probably not a huge deal but just something I thought you should watch out for.

The second major thing was the news report on the television. I noticed that the anchor actually named David, and since this was while David was in surgery I assume it must have been not long after the shooting occurred. Now unless your news station was incredibly dodgy they generally don't release names of people who have been seriously injured or have died in situations like this- at least not right away. This is because the last thing anyone wants is for someone's family to find out via television. Generally the family is contacted by the police and informed that way, after which the media will then release the name. Sometimes they still don't release the name at all because the family would prefer it not to be disclosed, so the fact that it was disclosed by the news anchor so soon is a little unrealistic. In a similar vein to this, saying "Jace Riordan, a casting producer for the film, has been taken into custody and identified by the authorities as the shooter." is seriously bad form for the news anchor and probably the police if they gave him the information. Generally news stations stick to the more ambiguous "a suspect has been taken into custody" or "the man believed to be responsible has been arrested by police". If they do use a name it is 99.9% of the time preceded by 'alleged' due to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' fair trail thing. You couldn't just outright say he is the shooter unless he's been convicted of it. I know this might seem like trivial stuff to you but trust me, just a little bit of research and making things like this sound as believable as possible can go a long way in making your script that much better.

The one other thing that bugged me, and this is potentially more personal than technical, was the ending scene. Partially for the reasons Jack mentioned (feeling like it was a little tacked on) but also because it just seemed really over the top dramatic. It felt like a bit of a dick move for David to call Alisha in, like, a doctor literally went and fetched her for him (not even a nurse, a doctor), just for David to tell her he never wanted to see her again. I felt it would have been more realistic for him to perhaps talk to Alex and get him to pass the message along, or if he was insistent on talking to her himself to not be so melodramatic (I sometimes forget these guys aren't in their mid-teens based on the way they act) and maybe just be a little more mature about the situation. But hey, that's just how I would approached it and maybe something to consider if you want to.

Besides that it was a solid episode: some good stuff, some really good stuff, and perhaps some questionable things. Congrats on making it to sequence 4 Brady, I'm sure fans are in for an interesting journey on this one