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Post by Jason T. Davis on Feb 28, 2013 23:51:49 GMT -6
Review of 1.02 "Bringer of Light" This was probably one of my favorite episodes; right next to episodes five and six. Episode one dealt with Alyson, giving us insight on her backstory and origins, setting up her general story arc, and it did a great job of establishing her motivations, early on, as she moves forward within this story. Whereas episode two takes the same story we saw in episode one, more or less, and tells it from a completely different perspective; James' perspective. I love this style of storytelling. It's amazing to see how two-sided the world really is, and how point of view plays such a major role in character development, as well as audience interpretation of the story. The way you two decided to separate these two episodes, and put them together, worked out really well, in my opinion. Everything matches up nicely, and it didn't feel disjointed or discontinuous. I think this episode gave us a bit more of a story than the pilot did because James is a central character already deeply involved in the supernatural aspect of the show. Yes, Alyson is in more ways than one, just as central and important as him, but I see James as the one that serves the most purpose and provides more opportunities for development in terms of plot... so far at least. I was really excited to see Jeremy back again. There's no doubt that he was awesome in the pilot, just by the action. But being able to really hear the characters voice was a really get add. I enjoyed his scene early on with James, before everything went to hell. I would have liked to see more, and hopefully, we'll be able to get some flashbacks of some sort later on in the series; detailing more James and Jeremy adventures. Though... I think I've pretty much been healed over the fact that Jeremy died when I was introduced to the character of "Adam" -- but I'll get to that in a later review.  Still on the character of James since I haven't really given a personal opinion on him ... I'll settle that by saying how much I love him. Plain and simple. As far as I can tell, he a big mystery. Judging by his action packed scene with "Neil" and the words that were exchanged between the two, I can already tell he's been around for a very long time. He's seem many things in his immortal existence, and being a "seasoned" vampire, especially one that's part human, is a really great beginning arc that can lead to a hundred new ideas and situations. All of which I am soo looking forward to. The thing I liked most about the episode, when it came to the writing, had to be the dialogue. Reading pretty much everything you write, I've always been able to tell that your scripts are very "dialogue-driven." Not that you don't make use of interesting action and detail, but your use of language really stood out when reading this. I like the way you subtly allude to things that are to appear later down the line; how you set things up through dialogue and your ability to feed us exposition without actually realizing it. Also, just like the pilot. I felt the episode had a clear 3-act structure, even for such a short script. I know I probably really stink at reviewing and probably just compliment you guys on everything I liked. But swear, when my "newbie writer" mind is able to pick out something negative, I'll let you guys know. Until then, this show is absolutely flawless!
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Post by Tony O'Black on Mar 1, 2013 17:38:11 GMT -6
Time to start on Hellbound:
1x01 - ‘Whispers in the Dark’
A new writer for me to chow down on in Jack D. Malone as I enter the webisode world of Hellbound. I confess I came into this with zero advance knowledge of what I was reading, and I was actually quite impressed with several factors. I didn’t, for one, expect this to be nearly as evocatively, and in some places elegantly, penned as Malone delivers - he writes in a very visual way that brings his images alive often in your mind’s eye, that struck me right away and made me sit up and take greater note. The downside, as a result, is what prevents this opener rising above middle ground.
See, quite often, this reads like prose. Big, chunky descriptive passsages that - however nicely turned out - fail frequently to keep the plot moving and that’s where Malone lets himself down right now; a great script does both, retains forward momentum while creating a vivid picture, and Malone only has the second one down here. From a character perspective, well... I couldn’t help but feel James was Angel & Alison was Kate Lockley, if I’m completely honest; the shadowy, handsome vampire skirting good/evil & the earnest, hard-done-by blonde cop with an asshole of a boss. Sound familiar? Alison is nicely depicted, and the mystery of her mother intrigues, but the Chief is mired in cliche and Malone’s use of flashbacks jar - at this early stage, in such a short script, he shouldn’t be relying on them. So from a character & dialogue perspective, it misses more than it hits.
But... bags and bags of potential for this to get better, ‘Whispers in the Dark’ introducing it’s world in a dark and Gothic manner, with Malone marking himself out as a writer with growing skill in how to paint a picture. I hope he gets the balance a little better with the other factors going forward.
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Post by Jack Malone on Mar 1, 2013 21:40:18 GMT -6
A new writer for me to chow down on in Jack D. Malone as I enter the webisode world of Hellbound. I confess I came into this with zero advance knowledge of what I was reading, and I was actually quite impressed with several factors. I didn’t, for one, expect this to be nearly as evocatively, and in some places elegantly, penned as Malone delivers - he writes in a very visual way that brings his images alive often in your mind’s eye, that struck me right away and made me sit up and take greater note. The downside, as a result, is what prevents this opener rising above middle ground. See, quite often, this reads like prose. Big, chunky descriptive passsages that - however nicely turned out - fail frequently to keep the plot moving and that’s where Malone lets himself down right now; a great script does both, retains forward momentum while creating a vivid picture, and Malone only has the second one down here. Wow, thanks Tony! Its nice to have a new reader for the show. Chris and I have always wanted to work together on something, and its never really happened, completely, until now, so we're very excited about this series. Its interesting that you see my work as more visual- I usually feel like I have to overcompensate in the 'action' area of a script because I'm not as confident there as I am in, say, dialogue. So I take that as a compliment. Just have to find the balance between, like you said, having description that moves the plot forward, as opposed to reading as prose, and being quite clunky. Its definitely something to hone in on the next time I'm editing a script. XD Writing it, I don't really feel the Kate/Angel vibe, although at first glance, I think it could be a fair perception. I was more worried about people considering Alyson to be too much like Kate Beckett (from Castle), if only because of the element of being too emotionally attached to her cases, having the mystery about her mother, etc. That said, Alyson's character shifts in a way as she's welcomed to the supernatural world, and she's more vulnerable, which lets us open up more aspects of who she is, under all the "hard-done-by cop". The flashbacks could have probably been cut out, with only certain hints to the past (without having to show it). I can agree with that. I thought they would help in setting up who this character was, considering how we structured this first arc in "perspective pieces", as these two characters eventually merge. However, considering it is only a ten page script, it was probably a bit much. I feel like they kind of give purpose to the Chief's asshole-ishness, haha, to sort of justify a lot of his actions, so he's not just viewed as the bad guy in this situation. Alyson was out of line, and people were injured on a case she was too emotionally attached to, so it kind of helped set up that. But again, like you said, it can be jarring, and too much to pack into the first episode. As for the Chief, I have to say, he's just fun to write for. I can definitely see elements of cliche in his character, but he was one of the highlights for me- especially the mustache. Hahaha. He is a bit of a recurring character, and I think, if given the chance to break down his walls of, you know, being the head of the police force, being responsible for all these lives, etc, some of those cliche elements might be wedged out. Definitely something to look at doing. I really appreciate it the feedback. Your reviews are definitely going to help me in the editing process, and try to nail that balance you were talking about. Hope you enjoy this first arc, especially the following episode that focuses on establishing James' character, and both of us are looking forward to your feedback. Thanks, man! XD |
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Post by Jack Malone on Mar 1, 2013 21:49:03 GMT -6
REVIEW: 1.01 "Whispers In the Dark"Aw. Poor Jeremy. And then not so poor Jeremy. And then poor Jeremy again. I. DON'T. EVEN. KNOW. Yeah, I'm curious. I must know how/what this ORB thing does what it does/is/how the frack did he get it?! Questions, questions, questions. Hahaha, I really wanted to start the episode off with a bang, because you always hear how the first page of a script needs to instantly pull someone in, or at least, start that process of sucking someone straight into the story, so I thought that would be the perfect way to do it. Then, to having his persona seem kind of helpless and afraid, to spin it around on its head... I had a lot of fun with that. You'll learn more about the orb in the next episode (I'm pretty sure you've already reviewed that, before my response to your review, which kind of makes my comment irrelevant, but oh well. HAHA). Certainly understand that. In a lot of ways, Alyson has trust issues, and is very consumed in her work. So, there's that element of having walls built up that could explain not getting that sense of, "I know who this character is, and I'm rooting/not rooting for them," or what-not, you know? She's definitely driven, and that was a huge aspect of her character I wanted to get across, more than anything. We know something happened to her mother, she's consumed in her work and this case, and that's what her life is. Of course, once these walls break down, we'll learn more and more about her, definitely. XD Thanks, Brady! Loved the feedback. Hope you enjoy the rest of the arc. XD |
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Post by Tony O'Black on Mar 3, 2013 5:50:07 GMT -6
1x02: Bringer of Light
Once again, for the second time in a row, a new writer for me to enjoy the work of in Chris Davis this time - head honcho of TheVPN, home of Hellbound, and as ever with different writers Davis brings his own aesthetic to this new series in ‘Bringer of Light’. He throws out a little more of Jack Malone’s rather lyrical, prose-like direction and replaces it with a little more in the way of plot momentum, which pleased this writer; yet it lacks the elegance of the opener somewhat, Davis not quite conveying the same sense of atmosphere, and as a result it doesn’t feel particularly fresh.
Truth is, this still really is smelling like Angel-lite right now. James Bryson is, on the face of it, a much less interesting take on Whedon’s creation - dark, brooding, tormented, drinking cold coffee, mooning after a woman he’s lost; stop me if you’ve seen or heard this all before. There’s of course time for James to grow & develop from this stock caricature, but the nature of vampirism here doesn’t help - they can’t come in without invites, they turn to ash when staked. Seen it, done it. I’ve written vampire shows and the lore has a certain elasticity to try new things, which Hellbound on the face of it just isn’t doing. From a plot perspective, it moves quite well & has a shot in the arm the first episode didn’t, but James/Jeremy’s story leading into Alison isn’t all that really dynamic or interesting, more needlessly cryptic.
So not badly written by any stretch of the imagination, even if some of Davis’ sentences are a bit clunky now and then, but just not doing or saying anything original with this story or the mythos behind it. I hope that changes as the run progresses.
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Post by Jamison on Mar 3, 2013 13:17:05 GMT -6
1x02: Bringer of LightOnce again, for the second time in a row, a new writer for me to enjoy the work of in Chris Davis this time - head honcho of TheVPN, home of Hellbound, and as ever with different writers Davis brings his own aesthetic to this new series in ‘Bringer of Light’. He throws out a little more of Jack Malone’s rather lyrical, prose-like direction and replaces it with a little more in the way of plot momentum, which pleased this writer; yet it lacks the elegance of the opener somewhat, Davis not quite conveying the same sense of atmosphere, and as a result it doesn’t feel particularly fresh. First off, thanks so much for deciding to read and review this show. We're always appreciative when new readers come onboard. Jack and I have always wanted to write a show together. So many projects were pitched, but we failed to get one off the ground until now, with Hellbound. I am really excited about. Also, I've always known how different our styles and overall approach to writing are, but I think as we pen more episodes together, we'll be able to take notes from one another with hopes of finding a nice, solid balance in the scripts we put out for Hellbound. I know Angel is one of my favorite characters developed by Joss Whedon. I don't know if Jack holds that same love for his character, but we both are definitely fans of the universe he created. That being said, the similarities between James and Angel were not intentional, yet that doesn't change the fact that they can be seen. While I do think James begins to come into his own a little later down the line, he may still have certain characteristics that will remind you of Angel. Thank you for your comments on this matter, because I know Jack and I will make it our mission when writing the rest of arc one to establish James as his own beast, and dust any of the more distracting cliches or similarities that his character can bring. Funny story that doesn't really matter now -- In the planning stages, Jack and I had a dozen different ideas on the vampire mythology we would take from and expand on. Originally, vampires we're going to be more like werewolves, giving them more of a transformation process; actually enabling them to turn into bat-like creatures. Obviously, we decided to take a more ''familiar'' approach, which I think can be worked on a bit more with future episodes. Hope you stick around long enough to see improvements in terms of originality. Thanks for your thoughts, Tony! I'm going to take everything you mentioned in this review to heart. Hopefully the next four episodes are more your fancy, and if not, we hope to see you back when the show returns to finish its first sequence. |
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Post by Tony O'Black on Mar 4, 2013 15:15:56 GMT -6
1x03 - A PIcture Paints a Thousand WordsYou know, I have to be honest, the first thing that ran through my head reading this title was the late, great Telly Savalas: www.youtube.com/watch?v=J94-_w9ARX0But anyway! We’re back with Jack Malone here and as a result the more lyrical description returns, though not quite as successfully as in the first episode - there’s quite a lot of blocky direction here, perhaps not quite enough dialogue to break up the movement, too little ‘white space’ as they say, which always makes a piece of writing a tougher read. Also there was a touch again of quite clunky phrasing that doesn’t always make sense, sentencing a little off, and indeed some mixing of tenses in places. From a plot perspective, I felt we had too little in the way of James/Alyson interaction here - after two episodes putting them together, I didn’t expect Malone to prise them apart so soon. It wasn’t too great a stretch to guess James’ lost love was Melanie either, another twist we’ve seen done before - adding to the normality of Hellbound right now, not stretching itself creatively. However... and this is a good however... once again Malone’s strength for description shines through, painting a picture indeed very well of his locations used here. And I have to say, the cliffhanger with Alyson being bitten I did NOT see coming for a moment, so good show there! As ever, still waiting for Hellbound to develop into something truly original, but I still have faith.
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Post by Jamison on Mar 4, 2013 15:45:55 GMT -6
Thanks for these reviews, Tony! Since Jack wrote this episode, I'll let him give you a full response, but I'll just respond to this little bit -- It wasn’t too great a stretch to guess James’ lost love was Melanie either, another twist we’ve seen done before - adding to the normality of Hellbound right now, not stretching itself creatively. I can confirm that Melanie and the woman James has lost are two different women. I'm looking forward to when Jack and I get to reveal what's really going on there. Until then, I hope you enjoy the next three episodes! |
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Post by Tony O'Black on Mar 4, 2013 15:51:54 GMT -6
Ooooh! Well now, that's piqued my interest more...
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Post by Jack Malone on Mar 5, 2013 18:24:50 GMT -6
1x03 - A PIcture Paints a Thousand WordsYou know, I have to be honest, the first thing that ran through my head reading this title was the late, great Telly Savalas: www.youtube.com/watch?v=J94-_w9ARX0But anyway! We’re back with Jack Malone here and as a result the more lyrical description returns, though not quite as successfully as in the first episode - there’s quite a lot of blocky direction here, perhaps not quite enough dialogue to break up the movement, too little ‘white space’ as they say, which always makes a piece of writing a tougher read. Also there was a touch again of quite clunky phrasing that doesn’t always make sense, sentencing a little off, and indeed some mixing of tenses in places. From a plot perspective, I felt we had too little in the way of James/Alyson interaction here - after two episodes putting them together, I didn’t expect Malone to prise them apart so soon. It wasn’t too great a stretch to guess James’ lost love was Melanie either, another twist we’ve seen done before - adding to the normality of Hellbound right now, not stretching itself creatively. Another review! Thanks, Tony! This episode was definitely more "action" filled, with scarce dialogue, purely because I wanted to work on a level of suspense once the two characters broke away to uncover what the noise was (for James), and what this place was (for Alyson). The reason for prying them apart so early on was because one of the important aspects of this arc was to welcome Alyson into James' world. This episode kind of gave her a taste of it, and without him to kind of ease her into the bigger picture, she was left to jump to conclusions, grow scared, and run away. Usually, I edit my episodes before airing them- this one never underwent that process, so there's a lot of stuff there that could be fixed up, and shortened, especially in terms of the "tenses" switching. I'm the same way with very little white space, its much harder to get through, so I can understand that completely. Its definitely part of what I look out for when editing, so I apologise for that. Thanks, man. Again, I'm quite surprised on the compliments for description, because that's something I usually feel I'm weaker at, so I try harder in that area so its not complete rubbish, ahaha. But thank you. Hopefully that originality peeks through by the end of the arc. I love doing any sort of cliffhanger, you know, as long as it has a purpose. This kind of shows us Alyson's first experience with a vampire, and shows us another aspect of our mythology, in terms of what vampires can do. So, we kind of learn more about the show's universe, as Alyson does, which is definitely something we felt very strongly about for this first arc/sequence. As always, loved the review! It really helps me identify what I need to look out for, work on, etc. so I really appreciate it. XD |
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Post by Tony O'Black on Mar 6, 2013 16:08:15 GMT -6
1x04 - ‘Welcome to My World’
Back to Chris Davis at the helm as Hellbound continues its first run, after three opening episodes of consistent mid-range quality. ‘Welcome to My World’ doesn’t really buck that trend, despite Davis endeavouring the widen the net slightly.
Crucially, he once again rolls back the description and tries wrestling a little more with character, though not before quite a neat bit of visual direction at the very top end of the piece which, despite needing a bit of a proof, came across really rather well. Beyond that however, the focus shifts to James and new arrival Adam, giving us... not much more than a cryptic conversation really. In fairness, Davis is establishing a little backstory and dropping a few pointers as to where things are going, but a big problem is that James & Adam read very very similar on the page; Adam has the potential to be a little more whip smart, sarcastic, but Davis doesn’t draw this out enough & their conversation is a little flat as a result (it doesn’t help that James still still STILL is coming across just like Angel. Apart from that, Davis has perhaps more success with the Alyson side of things - much as the previous cliffhanger is swiftly undone a little, she staking the vamp was a nice move & Davis playing with linear storytelling works well.
All in all... motoring along, Hellbound, still. Decent writing, a decent enough story, but nothing outstanding, nothing original, nothing hugely exciting.
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Post by Jamison on Mar 6, 2013 16:37:26 GMT -6
1x04 - ‘Welcome to My World’Back to Chris Davis at the helm as Hellbound continues its first run, after three opening episodes of consistent mid-range quality. ‘Welcome to My World’ doesn’t really buck that trend, despite Davis endeavouring the widen the net slightly. I have to admit, I get a little excited when I see that you've posted a new review. These are really helping Jack and I as we write arc two, which we can already tell will be a massive improvement. Well... in theory. You're right about Adam. His character was set up to be more "sarcastic," and I think that side of his character is shown more successfully in episode five. This is our first crack at writing a webisode series, and I have to admit, even though it's a short number of pages, I always struggle with how much I can actually put in one scene. Trying hard not to push the page limit over too much, I just threw in what absolutely "needed" to be said between Adam and James, but I agree that I could have added a bit more characterization and personality in both characters, especially James, as our lead. I am soo sorry that Angel vibe is still rolling on as you read James' character. We'll definitely be looking at that more closely when writing arc two. I think that scene took the longest for me to write, because it's what "officially" establishes Alyson and James as a team. Alyson is introduced to the supernatural world after staking that vampire, and from this point on, the story just gets bigger and bigger, really quickly. Hopefully you'll be able to see that in the final two episodes. Again, thank you for your thoughts. They're always extremely helpful! |
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Post by Tony O'Black on Mar 7, 2013 12:10:33 GMT -6
I have to admit, I get a little excited when I see that you've posted a new review. These are really helping Jack and I as we write arc two, which we can already tell will be a massive improvement. Well... in theory. Knowing that, you just guaranteed BHP will always make an effort going forward to review your stuff. Thank you. |
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Post by Tony O'Black on Mar 7, 2013 12:10:54 GMT -6
1x05 - Up in Flames
We stay with Chris Davis for the second Hellbound running as we close in on the end of the first arc, and once again it continues in a middling zone. You know there’s serious promise in the idea and indeed both the writers involved, because the writing isn’t half bad on many occasions, it’s just lacking... something; that spark, that originality, that hook, that will lift it into a higher realm.
‘Up in Flames’ once again is strongest when we’re with Alyson, who to me is the much more fleshed out character, certainly when Davis gets hold of her. Generic she might now be, but Alyson is the key to making this work, her detective piecing together here probably the highlight of the piece - even if she’s not looking into the most riveting of mysteries. She doesn’t share enough time with James again mind, not nearly enough - how are we supposed to buy into this relationship if every time they’re about to properly get to know each other, the narrative parts them? Right now there’s hardly a natural dynamic there. Speaking of James, he still sounds very much like Adam & vice versa - to clarify again, Adam needs more snark & James, ironically, more life. From a narrative perspective, my only major bug bear was the strange fusion of dream sequence & flashback here - make up your mind & give us one or the other, because both just doesn’t work.
Same old, same old really. Hellbound is entertaining & well written up to a point. Not much more to add. Oh, one last thing - please can we give the Chief a name?
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Post by Jamison on Mar 8, 2013 1:21:55 GMT -6
1x05 - Up in FlamesWe stay with Chris Davis for the second Hellbound running as we close in on the end of the first arc, and once again it continues in a middling zone. You know there’s serious promise in the idea and indeed both the writers involved, because the writing isn’t half bad on many occasions, it’s just lacking... something; that spark, that originality, that hook, that will lift it into a higher realm. ‘Up in Flames’ once again is strongest when we’re with Alyson, who to me is the much more fleshed out character, certainly when Davis gets hold of her. Generic she might now be, but Alyson is the key to making this work, her detective piecing together here probably the highlight of the piece - even if she’s not looking into the most riveting of mysteries. She doesn’t share enough time with James again mind, not nearly enough - how are we supposed to buy into this relationship if every time they’re about to properly get to know each other, the narrative parts them? Right now there’s hardly a natural dynamic there. Such a shame that the scripts are remaining average for you. Hopefully, as we continue to develop the story and characters, we'll be able to find that extra-something that'll take show to better places. I actually get a bit nervous when writing for Alyson, because I'm never sure that I'm staying true to her character. Not much has been established to truly define who she is as a character, but overall, I feel more comfortable writing for James. Perhaps because I'm more familiar with the 'idea' of his character, which again might be based around why he comes off so much like 'Angel.' Sorry about that. Reading it back, I can definitely see how it could throw someone off. It should have probably just been a flashback. I'll make note of that for the future. Chief getting a name. We may be able to take care of that in the near future. Like always, your reviews are greatly appreciated, Tony. I'm really glad you see the potential for growth here, and we're gonna strive to bring out more originality in terms of plot and character for arc two and beyond! |
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Post by Tony O'Black on Mar 9, 2013 9:32:06 GMT -6
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Post by Jack Malone on Mar 9, 2013 21:05:23 GMT -6
The confusion on the last episode was quite unexpected to hear. To explain, everything in the episode, up until James woke up underground, was part of a false series of events the Order projected in James' head to uncover the whereabouts of Alyson. It was revealed when Alyson's persona went out of character, tipping James that something wasn't right there, and then when he wakes up, it reads 'James JOLTS out of slumber, awakening...' which is then followed by a back and forth between James and Adam that only solidifies the fact that he, and the Order, have done something, that he 'must have been dreaming', etc. I tried to set the tone of a not-so-real world by adding elements of 'cheese' in the interaction between Alyson and James, as it was meant to feel uncomfortable, and over the top. The Order aren't fully aware of their relationship, and by going that bit extra too far, revealed to James that it wasn't real. I don't know if this changes your views on the last episode or not, but I just wanted to clear that up. XD Thanks for reviewing the first arc! We had a lot of fun writing it, and can't wait to get started on arc two. As always, your reviews have been very appreciated, and are definitely going to help us write the next bunch of episodes. |
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Post by Brady Brown on Mar 16, 2013 8:37:25 GMT -6
REVIEW: 1.03 "A Picture Paints a Thousand Words"
So, time to get all caught up with Hellbound! And this time we're back with Alyson being in the driver's seat, mainly. I really enjoy that about the show, how it switches the main focus between James and Alyson with the corresponding writer of the episode. The mystery element... omg. OMG. WHY IS A PICTURE OF HER MOTHER THERE? I THINK I GET THE TITLE NOW. Anyways, before I have an anxiety attack, this was a really awesome episode. But I'll get to that later.
Let's start with James. His character is still very much in the shadows at the point, in terms of his history and such. I'm interested to see what happens with him, because he's not a very happy fellow... XD And especially with all of those weapons. GUYS, THOSE WEAPONS. WHAT IN THE WORLD. I just... anyways.
Alyson needs to quit being so curious, omg, it's going to get her mauled to death. -points to last page- WHAT DID I TELL YOU? Anyways, I actually like her curiosity, and her drive to to what she wants, like getting the hell out of a house with a possible killer who has a picture of her mom. Oh, that reminds me, but just a tiny nitpick, I think it would work better if you used "mom" since this series is supposed to be set in North America. Nothing major, though.
Okay, THAT ENDING. I hate you, I hope you know this. James better show up and save the day, or... holy crap. ANYWAYS --
10/10 ~ AWWWEEESSOOOMMEE.
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