Eventide (with Pilot)

[MJ]

Officially staked in the heart.

[Jamison]

I remember this was going to be an episode of The Void way back when, right? I liked the idea back then, and I still do now.

I gave the pilot a read this morning, and while it was well written, and your characters come off the page quite nicely (especially for a first episode), I'm not sure I can give a proper review without reading a second episode. This episode seemed more like the prologue before the actual story begins and we'd get more of a the plot in episode two, with Nate starting to work for Angeline. I would have liked to see that explored more in the pilot itself. But I do understand that webisode series' can be tricky. Having such a short time to get your idea across. However, I am interested in reading more. And hopefully if you planned on posting the second episode, I'd be able to give more solid feedback.

The characters I'm most interested in so far are Mags and Evangeline. But it's still pretty early. Something you did successfully was setting up the universe and how the vampires in this story work. It being against some vampire law to feed on humans (at least that's what I think you were going for) is pretty interesting and not something I expected.

So overall, very solid start, but given the nature of webisodes, this might be more effective with an additional episode in the mix (Kind of like Jack and I did when pitching Helbound). But I'm totally into this series, MJ. Good work

[MJ]

May 3, 2015 20:29:10 GMT -6 Jamison said:

I remember this was going to be an episode of The Void way back when, right? I liked the idea back then, and I still do now.

Yeah! I save all my ideas, because 1. everything i come up with is awesome (jk!) and 2. sometimes if i leave ideas and come back to them later, so a couple of years in this case, I have a whole bunch of new ideas that turn a small concept into a full fledged series/story.

I gave the pilot a read this morning, and while it was well written, and your characters come off the page quite nicely (especially for a first episode), I'm not sure I can give a proper review without reading a second episode. This episode seemed more like the prologue before the actual story begins and we'd get more of a the plot in episode two, with Nate starting to work for Angeline. I would have liked to see that explored more in the pilot itself. But I do understand that webisode series' can be tricky. Having such a short time to get your idea across. However, I am interested in reading more. And hopefully if you planned on posting the second episode, I'd be able to give more solid feedback.

Originally I was going to include the full scene with Angeline but I was starting to get up there in page count and I also just wanted to get it posted, haha! So yeah, I'm not sure if it should be like, a two part pilot or if I should just have a longer first episode. Any suggestions on that front would be welcome! And yeah, i'll probably write up episode two/extend episode 1 and post it soon-ish to give everyone a better grasp of the series.

The characters I'm most interested in so far are Mags and Evangeline. But it's still pretty early. Something you did successfully was setting up the universe and how the vampires in this story work. It being against some vampire law to feed on humans (at least that's what I think you were going for) is pretty interesting and not something I expected.

I like Mags too, she's probably my fav because, let's be honest, Nate is a douchebag, lol! Oh, and it's not really against the vampire law to drink from people, they've just not supposed to kill them (this would be established more clearly over the next few episodes) because if every vampire killed even as scarcely as Nate did that would be a lot of bodies showing up (or if they were disposing of the bodies, a lot of missing people). All vampires would kill people if they could, but out of preservation they've had to really tone down on the whole murder thing.

So overall, very solid start, but given the nature of webisodes, this might be more effective with an additional episode in the mix (Kind of like Jack and I did when pitching Helbound). But I'm totally into this series, MJ. Good work

Thanks Chris! I'll see about extending the first ep/putting up the second ep soon

[MJ]

Just wanted to add some info: The other night I had an epiphany on where I want this series to end up which means I have an end point and know which direction i'm taking the story and characters. I don't know exactly how many sequences/season/arcs that will translate to, but I don't think it will be a ridiculously huge number.

[MJ]

UPDATE: Second episode has been completed and added to the pitch as per Chris' suggestion, so I'm looking forward to hearing what people think of the pitch/episodes now

[Brady Brown]

I read your pilot last week, but I'm just now getting the opportunity to leave you some feedback. So, I apologize about that!

First off, I'd like to say that I enjoy the characters you've set up, especially Nate and Mags, whom we've seen the most of obviously. Their interactions were great and it would be interesting to get to see how their relationship develops once Nate has to perform these tasks for the Duchess!

Speaking of which, I feel like the end scene needed to be longer. It ended very abruptly, and it didn't necessarily help that there wasn't really a plot to this episode. Nothing was really getting accomplished. Also, there's too much description - it reads very much like prose, especially describing the opening and bar scenes with unnecessary vocabulary. I'm mainly talking describing how the TV was off and what furnishing are located in certain locations. It's not badly written, just not needed.

So yeah, not a bad pilot, but it could be improved. I did enjoy it though! I just think it needs to be extended and that most of the description needs to be cut out. But good work, MJ!

[MJ]

May 11, 2015 20:54:25 GMT -6 Brady Brown said:

I read your pilot last week, but I'm just now getting the opportunity to leave you some feedback. So, I apologize about that!

No prob, people get busy and I know how hard it can be to sit down and get a proper review written for someone XD

First off, I'd like to say that I enjoy the characters you've set up, especially Nate and Mags, whom we've seen the most of obviously. Their interactions were great and it would be interesting to get to see how their relationship develops once Nate has to perform these tasks for the Duchess!

I hoping they'll prove to have an interesting dynamic. They do like each other a lot (not necessarily romantically) but don't often act like it. I also know the Duchess has plans for the pair of them but that's all I'm giving away now.

Speaking of which, I feel like the end scene needed to be longer. It ended very abruptly, and it didn't necessarily help that there wasn't really a plot to this episode. Nothing was really getting accomplished.

Chris did mention this so I put up the second episode also. I think i'd probably air them like a two part pilot, because trying to fit everything I want to into one episode is not going to work. So it has ended up being the first episode is mostly introduction of characters (which I think is accomplishing something, as the characters carry the plot after all) and the second episode is the one that introduces the overarching story (or at least one element of it).

Also, there's too much description - it reads very much like prose, especially describing the opening and bar scenes with unnecessary vocabulary. I'm mainly talking describing how the TV was off and what furnishing are located in certain locations. It's not badly written, just not needed.

I'm glad to hear it's not badly written but I do have to disagree with you on this point and will try my best to explain why.

It relation to the opening scene, I was setting mood. It's probably obvious that I don't tend to use as many technical camera/filming terms in my scripts, instead paragraphs like those found at the beginning kind of equate to scene setting/establishing shots in way. Also, only the first two paragraphs at the beginning (four sentences in total) are describing the scene, the other two paragraphs are describing characters.

The second area of more heavy description is for the vampire bar, but since the vampire bar is going to be one of the major locations i felt it needed to be established well in the first episode so it requires little to no description in later ones. You'll notice most my other settings have little to no descriptions, so if there is a few paragraphs of description it is usually deliberate on my part, and not me just getting carried away with words

So yeah, not a bad pilot, but it could be improved. I did enjoy it though! I just think it needs to be extended and that most of the description needs to be cut out. But good work, MJ!

Thanks for the feedback! As I said the length issue I'm hoping to address by releasing the first two episodes together (and the second one is up, so you can read it if you want) and the description I hopefully explained about above

[MJ]

Another quick update- just re-working the pilot and second episode in response to some of my sisters feedback and a few comments on here. Will let everyone know when the updated versions are up.

[MJ]

FINAL UPDATE: So i've re-uploaded the first two episodes after some adjustments and edits (my sis thinks they're both much better now) so I think this pitch is a polished off as it's going to get. So yeah, any feedback/reviews would be great

[Alex Matthews]

downloading to read/compare and maybe review some time soon

[Jay Paterson]

Okay first off, I want this series. I'm a fan of all things supernatural, so this unique take on vampires has me very intrigued. I'm happy you took Chris' advice and made this a two part pilot, because that first episode just didn't seem quite enough and as Chris mentioned before, it felt more like a prologue. The second episode fixed that problem rather well, we got to see Nate on his first case.

I didn't actually mind the long-ish descriptions of the club and bar, I quite enjoyed knowing the lay out and how this regular hangout of theirs really looks. I think your right its best to do it when its first introduced so you don't have to describe it in depth in the future. Everything in the script comes off the page well, from your descriptions to your characters.

Mags, who I expect to be a fan favourite, has me intrigued. There isn't a character I dislike yet. But Mags and Nate are my top two of the moment, most likely because thats who we've seen most of. But from Mags over the top cursing and sarcasm to Nate's utter douch-like behaviour, It makes for a good read. I love when he said, "Say cheese" to the dead body, it made me giggle. Lol. I'm really looking forward to seeing how the relationship between Nate and Angeline progresses. Angeline seems hard as nails and quite an emotionally drawn character which is always fun to read. Her coldness and bluntness is great.

One thing I must mention is the endings though, I feel like both episodes ended quite abruptly and just left me like "oh, is that it." in the first episode it didn't bother me as much because 1. it was the series set up and 2. I knew there was a second part to follow onto. But in episode 2 I just I needed a bit more, even a short cliffhanger of sorts or a scene with the gang at the bar to wrap things up.

Overall I really like the first two episode, I enjoyed the most part minus the lack of ending but I really do look forward to see where this is going, MJ.

[MJ]

May 16, 2015 17:25:55 GMT -6 Jay Paterson said:

Okay first off, I want this series. I'm a fan of all things supernatural, so this unique take on vampires has me very intrigued. I'm happy you took Chris' advice and made this a two part pilot, because that first episode just didn't seem quite enough and as Chris mentioned before, it felt more like a prologue. The second episode fixed that problem rather well, we got to see Nate on his first case.

Haha, you know, I'm honestly considering not making it two part anymore. Originally the scene at the end of the first episode in Angeline's office was very short and ended on a bit of a cliffhanger. I changed that so the entire scene in Angeline's office (which was to pick up in episode two) is now in script one. I don't really get where the idea that episode one isn't quite enough is coming from, especially now that it's been changed to be longer and include a bit more story. I feel like it does the job that was intended which was to introduce characters and introduce one of the main plot points- Nate now works for the Duchess. So yeah, at this point I'm still leaning towards a one episode pilot instead of two (since changing the structure of the episodes) but I'll see what other people say on the matter. Perhaps I'm just telling a slow-burn story and everyone is expecting it to be fast paced, I don't know XD

I didn't actually mind the long-ish descriptions of the club and bar, I quite enjoyed knowing the lay out and how this regular hangout of theirs really looks. I think your right its best to do it when its first introduced so you don't have to describe it in depth in the future. Everything in the script comes off the page well, from your descriptions to your characters.

Thanks man! Like I mentioned in my reply to Brady I really didn't feel description length was a problem. There are plenty of scripts on the VPN that have longer and wordier pieces of description than what I've included in this and, like you mentioned, it is to help set up these places in the readers minds so when I say a few episodes down the track 'the characters are watching the tv' or 'the character sit on one of the couches' you know those things are there already and no extra description is required

Mags, who I expect to be a fan favourite, has me intrigued. There isn't a character I dislike yet. But Mags and Nate are my top two of the moment, most likely because thats who we've seen most of. But from Mags over the top cursing and sarcasm to Nate's utter douch-like behaviour, It makes for a good read. I love when he said, "Say cheese" to the dead body, it made me giggle. Lol. I'm really looking forward to seeing how the relationship between Nate and Angeline progresses. Angeline seems hard as nails and quite an emotionally drawn character which is always fun to read. Her coldness and bluntness is great.

Glad to hear there isn't a character you dislike yet, though I would understand if you didn't like Nate all that much, haha! 'Douch-like behaviour' pretty much sums up Nate's character at the moment but I'm glad you enjoy it and it isn't a turn off, which I was worried it might be. The whole point of this is that vampires aren't nice people. Not so much amongst themselves but definitely when it comes to humans, and you'll see all of the character's dark sides at one point or another. Angeline is an interesting character to write and she does have reasons for acting the way she does and doing the things she does but to explain it would probably start giving away too much of her story.

One thing I must mention is the endings though, I feel like both episodes ended quite abruptly and just left me like "oh, is that it." in the first episode it didn't bother me as much because 1. it was the series set up and 2. I knew there was a second part to follow onto. But in episode 2 I just I needed a bit more, even a short cliffhanger of sorts or a scene with the gang at the bar to wrap things up.

This bit of feedback it a little bit.. hmm. I don't really want to turn around and be like 'well you're wrong, and here's why' but I feel like now would be a great time for me to point out that Eventide will be very serial in nature. There won't be a nice little wrap up to the end of every episode or even an obvious cliffhanger. I feel like to do as you suggested (have a scene in the bar) would be bordering on a genre I don't feel Eventide is. I considered it, after I read your review, but I just couldn't find a reason for the characters to just be sitting and chilling at the end of either of those episodes- not to mention episode two did end on a bit of a cliffhanger, not so much in terms of action but in Angeline's last words in the script warning that things are going to get worse from here on out. Anyway, I hope that makes sense, and maybe the type of endings I chose make more sense in that context but hey, if you had some more detailed feedback on that front or even a suggestion of what you would have done i'd love to hear it- I could just be looking at this the completely wrong way in not seeing it working

Overall I really like the first two episode, I enjoyed the most part minus the lack of ending but I really do look forward to see where this is going, MJ.

Thanks for the review Jay!

[Jay Paterson]

Haha, you know, I'm honestly considering not making it two part anymore. Originally the scene at the end of the first episode in Angeline's office was very short and ended on a bit of a cliffhanger. I changed that so the entire scene in Angeline's office (which was to pick up in episode two) is now in script one. I don't really get where the idea that episode one isn't quite enough is coming from, especially now that it's been changed to be longer and include a bit more story. I feel like it does the job that was intended which was to introduce characters and introduce one of the main plot points- Nate now works for the Duchess. So yeah, at this point I'm still leaning towards a one episode pilot instead of two (since changing the structure of the episodes) but I'll see what other people say on the matter. Perhaps I'm just telling a slow-burn story and everyone is expecting it to be fast paced, I don't know XD

The reason I think it works better as a 2 part episode is that it already felt like it was one episode split down the middle, especially with episode two beginning with Nate coming out of Angeline's office. I never did read the original version, but if there was a bit of a cliffhanger and you were just to make it the one part, I guess it could still work being a web-series.

This bit of feedback it a little bit.. hmm. I don't really want to turn around and be like 'well you're wrong, and here's why' but I feel like now would be a great time for me to point out that Eventide will be very serial in nature. There won't be a nice little wrap up to the end of every episode or even an obvious cliffhanger. I feel like to do as you suggested (have a scene in the bar) would be bordering on a genre I don't feel Eventide is. I considered it, after I read your review, but I just couldn't find a reason for the characters to just be sitting and chilling at the end of either of those episodes- not to mention episode two did end on a bit of a cliffhanger, not so much in terms of action but in Angeline's last words in the script warning that things are going to get worse from here on out. Anyway, I hope that makes sense, and maybe the type of endings I chose make more sense in that context but hey, if you had some more detailed feedback on that front or even a suggestion of what you would have done i'd love to hear it- I could just be looking at this the completely wrong way in not seeing it working

I don't think its a matter of anyone being wrong. I just think its down to preference of story telling. To be honest I wasn't quite sure how you were going to structure it, being a case of the week, or serial, as it could easily be both. So the reason for the bar scene suggestion was just that it already felt like they spend a lot of time there so it would be easy to throw in there. I guess the way I could see that scene in there would be to remove the bar scene from the beginning of episode 2. Like I mentioned before episodes 1 and 2 feel much like the one episode, so if you were to start 'Quid Pro Quo' heading straight into Nate's investigation , you could have that bar scene wrap up the ending with mags asking how it all came about anyway. Maybe Nate is feeding her some sarcastic bullshit through the episode about how he got the job.

As for the cliffhanger, I did just feel like the episode needed a little more action. Just because of how quickly Nate's whole investigation into the missing vampire went. It kind of felt like it ended before it really began, being that the body was found the first place they looked. Adding a clue in at his apartment leading Nate and Mags to find his body at another strange location might add in that little bit of action I feels needed. I understand the end dialogue meaning to be a tease of whats to come, so even adding that little bit of action in the middle would help me feel satisfied with that piece of dialogue ending the episode.

I hope this is helpful, but like I said it all down to preference of storytelling, so If its not I understand. Lol. These are just suggestions of things that would make it more exciting for me as a reader. 

[MJ]

May 18, 2015 9:24:23 GMT -6 Jay Paterson said:

Not gonna bother quoting everything again but thanks for the more detailed feedback! It really helped me figured out exactly what parts you as a reader thought could go a different way or needed improvement which allowed me to really evaluate if I should look into editing them some. I def think now that I'll go with a two part pilot again, you've convinced me on that front, haha! As for the action element if the second episode, only finding the one body in the first place they looked was a deliberate story telling choice on my part, along with Angeline choosing to not have Nate do any further investigating. Should the show get picked up the explanation for that would start to come in about episode four but I don't want to give too much away. But yes, the body they found wasn't a random vampire killing and Angeline knows that, which is why she's going to do some of her own research before acting and why we the episode feels like it doesn't really impact on much. It will, just later.

Thanks again for the feedback Jay

[Brady Brown]

I'm actually really intrigued by the change of format on this, MJ! I definitely feel like it could be a lot stronger by having longer episodes. That being said, I feel like the new "two part" pilot works as a whole. I'm glad we get to see Nate actually conducting one of Angeline's assignments, because I felt like that was lacking in the previous draft. A lot of the stuff I like in the original draft, I still really enjoyed here, especially the relationship between Mags and Nate because we got to see more interaction between them. I do worry, though, with the pilot, if Nate is going to fall into the trope of a stereotypical, arrogant vampire. Hopefully that's not the case.

We also got a little more into Charity and Salvador and his blood supply, which I liked. Hopefully they grow to become more than characters Nate and Mags just talk to though.

The extended scene with the Angeline worked a lot better as well. Her intentions, because of the extension, became somewhat clearer. I think I would have liked to see more conversation as a build up to her telling him he's going to be her errand boy, but I think that's more of a personal preference more than anything. Despite that, the actual assignment of Nate and Mags searching through the apartment was a lot of fun; however, I feel like we missed a scene between them going to sleep and them showing up at the apartment. I would have liked some clarification on what was inside the folder Angeline gave Nate, because I feel like it would have made for a better flow. This very much felt like two separate webisodes, but I feel like combining the two scripts would clear that up easily

I'm still not keen on a lot of the description though, particularly when describing certain locations. I understand that you wanted to go ahead and give a description of the entire location so that you wouldn't have to do it again once you revisit it, but if I'm being quite honest I had already forgot how you described the bar once we returned to it, so I just started using my own imagination. I find most of it unnecessary. I think that's why I didn't mind the description of the apartment Nat and Mags went to, because it was very simply and left most of it up to my imagination. I just think a lot more story and character interactions could go in place of them.

Overall, I still really like this idea and enjoyed getting to know these characters more. They're all really fun to read, and the entire concept is super intriguing. My main issue is just the description, because it becomes distracting after a while. But other than that, good work, MJ!

[Jamison]

Just read the two-part pilot and I think I definitely enjoyed the 2nd part more. I know you're planning on putting these two episodes together and making it one, half-hour episode. I think the series would work well in that format.

But onto the episodes themselves, most of my thoughts on part one remain the same from the first draft, although the extension of the final scene between Nate and Angeline helped in giving the reader more plot. I am interested to know why after Angeline tells Nate that there are strict rules against killing humans for good reason, she goes on to allow and approve of Nate's killings. I think he might have come out of that meeting a little too unscathed and I'm not sure why. Does she have ulterior motives or is she just indecisive? She really doesn't strike me as the latter.

The parts of the episode I really enjoyed was when Nate and Mags are investigating the apartment. I probably would have even liked more of that. Maybe them finding another clue at his apartment, and doing a little more digging. But the mission was the find the previous 'errand boy', and that's what they did. I would have liked to see more being set up for the mystery we're probably getting ready to get thrown into. Or maybe there was set up, that just hasn't made itself apparent yet. Either way, I'm interesting in delving deeper into this story. 

The character of Nate wasn't someone I was very interested during my first read. I read him as the very typical, arrogant vampire who cares about and believes in nothing but himself. I'm not usually drawn to those characters. But I found myself warming up to him a little more in episode two. Hopefully after time he'll get more solid development and, not necessarily become more likable, because I don't think he's meant to be likable and he doesn't need to be. But just grow into a more interesting, 3-dimensional character.

Something stood out to me about Mags, in the scene where Nate snaps at her to turn on the lights, she makes a disapproving quip but turns the lights on anyway. I really wanted her to put Nate in his place and make him turn the damn lights on himself, but now I realize that may have been childish of her since they were there to do a job. So I understand why she did, it just made me poke my lips out because I'm already in love with Mags. haha! So, good job with that, I guess.

We haven't gotten that much from Charity and Salvador yet. I like them being in the story, to provide Mags and Nate with someone to converse with other than themselves. I'm looking forward to seeing them possibly going off into their own storylines, either connected to or separate from the main plot. And then Angeline - I'm very intrigued by her. I usually love those powerful, vampire leader characters; especially if they're women. So, I'm digging her so far and hope we get even more from her in future episodes.

Overall, I enjoyed the pilot. The description got a little heavy at times, with information and details that I had forgotten shortly after reading it because I was too focused on dialogue and the progression of the plot. I think in scriptwriting, most readers only comprehend the most crucial details and subconsciously fill in most gaps on their own. Sometimes having everything laid out to them on a silver plater can cause a scene to drag, and take the reader's attention away. So, while I do appreciate well written action and description, be mindful in the future to not overdo it. Especially details that might take a reader out of the script, or things they're not likely to remember after moving onto the next page.

I'm interested in seeing how the plot moves forward; wondering if hunters will play a role in this series after their mention by Angeline near the end. I'm purposefully not reading the episode guide so I don't spoil myself. Nice, solid read MJ. Keep at it!

[MJ]

My reply to Chris! Putting it under a spoiler because it's a bit long XD

SPOILER: Click to show

May 23, 2015 12:37:15 GMT -6 Jamison said:

Just read the two-part pilot and I think I definitely enjoyed the 2nd part more. I know you're planning on putting these two episodes together and making it one, half-hour episode. I think the series would work well in that format.

(omg, I accidentally hit back on my browser and deleted half my responses so this is round two) Yes, I think half an hour will work better too. The story I'm crafting is turning out to be more complex than even I thought so I think the half hour is best, if only for pacing purposes and such. I think to do it as a webisode with only ten pages each week would frustrate people if anything is to be gathered from the reviews so far XD

But onto the episodes themselves, most of my thoughts on part one remain the same from the first draft, although the extension of the final scene between Nate and Angeline helped in giving the reader more plot. I am interested to know why after Angeline tells Nate that there are strict rules against killing humans for good reason, she goes on to allow and approve of Nate's killings. I think he might have come out of that meeting a little too unscathed and I'm not sure why. Does she have ulterior motives or is she just indecisive? She really doesn't strike me as the latter.

For this I'm just going to say you're actually on the ball with your feelings and questions. Angeline is always a dozen steps ahead and never does anything without good reason but at the same time holds her cards very close to her chest. She definitely has plans for Nate, he hasn't gotten off as easy as he thinks he has, but as a reader you're unfortunately not going to get the full story of what the Duchess is planning until characters like Nate and Mags do. But yes, assume everything she does has a reason behind it, lol.

The parts of the episode I really enjoyed was when Nate and Mags are investigating the apartment. I probably would have even liked more of that. Maybe them finding another clue at his apartment, and doing a little more digging. But the mission was the find the previous 'errand boy', and that's what they did. I would have liked to see more being set up for the mystery we're probably getting ready to get thrown into. Or maybe there was set up, that just hasn't made itself apparent yet. Either way, I'm interesting in delving deeper into this story. 

This scene will be one I'm going to expand on again with the change to half hour but unfortunately there won't be any more clues or revelations. The main thing to take away from this scene, without giving too much away, is that the 'previous guy' wasn't randomly killed and his body being left the way it was, nice and easy for them to find, was deliberate. Angeline picks it up when Nate shows her the picture and it will definitely play into the bigger storyline.

The character of Nate wasn't someone I was very interested during my first read. I read him as the very typical, arrogant vampire who cares about and believes in nothing but himself. I'm not usually drawn to those characters. But I found myself warming up to him a little more in episode two. Hopefully after time he'll get more solid development and, not necessarily become more likable, because I don't think he's meant to be likable and he doesn't need to be. But just grow into a more interesting, 3-dimensional character.

Yeah, Nate's not supposed to be likeable in the traditional sense. He will have character development but he'll definitely retain those less than stella personality characteristics, haha! Angeline did hint at it but Nate (and Mags to some extent) are going through a kind of vampire adolescence. They've hit the age where pretty much everyone they knew growing up is dead and they're still young, and alive, and strong, and they get this sense of 'i'm immortal and can do anything' which leads to some reckless behaviour and self-centredness. Needless to say this is why a lot of vampires die during their early hundreds.

Something stood out to me about Mags, in the scene where Nate snaps at her to turn on the lights, she makes a disapproving quip but turns the lights on anyway. I really wanted her to put Nate in his place and make him turn the damn lights on himself, but now I realize that may have been childish of her since they were there to do a job. So I understand why she did, it just made me poke my lips out because I'm already in love with Mags. haha! So, good job with that, I guess.

Mags and Nate have a weird relationship, and this scene is pretty much them just having fun with each other. And you're kinda spot on with Mags, she turned the light on because 1. they'd waste time arguing about it, 2. she was closer to it, and 3. she was about to turn it on anyway XD Mags, because of her connection with the Duchess, is actually quite a bit higher than Nate on the vampire 'food chain' so if he ever actually did something to really piss her off you can be sure she'd put him in his place pretty easily. In fact, I think she pulls rank on him in episode 3 so look out for that if you're a fan of Mags!

We haven't gotten that much from Charity and Salvador yet. I like them being in the story, to provide Mags and Nate with someone to converse with other than themselves. I'm looking forward to seeing them possibly going off into their own storylines, either connected to or separate from the main plot.

Charity and Salvador are a nice contrast to Nate and Mags. They're little older, a little more chill, and help put some balance into the cast. Salvador should be getting some screen time in ep 2 and Charity in ep 3 to help flesh out their characters a bit too.

And then Angeline - I'm very intrigued by her. I usually love those powerful, vampire leader characters; especially if they're women. So, I'm digging her so far and hope we get even more from her in future episodes.

Angeline will probably be appearing in almost every episode, though her purpose/storyline will probably stay a little bit shrouded in mystery for the first season or two. Angeline play a long game and that will be reflected in how her story unfolds during the series.

Overall, I enjoyed the pilot. The description got a little heavy at times, with information and details that I had forgotten shortly after reading it because I was too focused on dialogue and the progression of the plot. I think in scriptwriting, most readers only comprehend the most crucial details and subconsciously fill in most gaps on their own. Sometimes having everything laid out to them on a silver plater can cause a scene to drag, and take the reader's attention away. So, while I do appreciate well written action and description, be mindful in the future to not overdo it. Especially details that might take a reader out of the script, or things they're not likely to remember after moving onto the next page.

Yeah, with this critique popping up pretty frequently I'm going to cut down on the biggest description (the vampire bar). It's the only real area with a lot of description but it's obviously sticking in people's heads as being a bit wordy, so I'll look into trimming it up and making it a bit more concise.

I'm interested in seeing how the plot moves forward; wondering if hunters will play a role in this series after their mention by Angeline near the end. I'm purposefully not reading the episode guide so I don't spoil myself. Nice, solid read MJ. Keep at it!

Thanks for another review Chris! I think the series is gonna work a lot better with the change to half-hour and I'm keeping my fingers crossed hoping for a pick-up!

[MJ]

And review reply for Brady! Also under spoiler for length.

SPOILER: Click to show

May 23, 2015 12:12:59 GMT -6 Brady Brown said:

I'm actually really intrigued by the change of format on this, MJ! I definitely feel like it could be a lot stronger by having longer episodes. That being said, I feel like the new "two part" pilot works as a whole. I'm glad we get to see Nate actually conducting one of Angeline's assignments, because I felt like that was lacking in the previous draft. A lot of the stuff I like in the original draft, I still really enjoyed here, especially the relationship between Mags and Nate because we got to see more interaction between them. I do worry, though, with the pilot, if Nate is going to fall into the trope of a stereotypical, arrogant vampire. Hopefully that's not the case.

Yeah, I think half an hour is going to suit the show better and allow me to include all the good story elements in one episode, rather than having to have some duller episodes as set up, like I was going to need if I stuck with the traditional webisode style. As for Nate, I do have plans for him to be more than the one-dimentional asshole he comes across as in the beginning, but don't expect him to suddenly lose all those terrible personality traits, he's pretty much a douchebag through and through, even though he will get some more dimensions, haha!

We also got a little more into Charity and Salvador and his blood supply, which I liked. Hopefully they grow to become more than characters Nate and Mags just talk to though.

I can say that, yes, we will see more of Charity and Salvador and they will develop their own story lines and so on. Episodes two and three get Salvador and Charity out and about respectively, but they will come in secondary to Nate and Mags at least for the first season or two.

The extended scene with the Angeline worked a lot better as well. Her intentions, because of the extension, became somewhat clearer. I think I would have liked to see more conversation as a build up to her telling him he's going to be her errand boy, but I think that's more of a personal preference more than anything.

Yeah, the Duchess is pretty to the point but that's just her character. Nate probably should have asked more questions about what he was getting into but since he didn't the Duchess was happy to leave details to a minimum because that worked better for her bigger plan.

Despite that, the actual assignment of Nate and Mags searching through the apartment was a lot of fun; however, I feel like we missed a scene between them going to sleep and them showing up at the apartment. I would have liked some clarification on what was inside the folder Angeline gave Nate, because I feel like it would have made for a better flow. This very much felt like two separate webisodes, but I feel like combining the two scripts would clear that up easily

With the extension into a half hour episode I probably will include a scene like that. It's a good idea actually, haha!

I'm still not keen on a lot of the description though, particularly when describing certain locations. I understand that you wanted to go ahead and give a description of the entire location so that you wouldn't have to do it again once you revisit it, but if I'm being quite honest I had already forgot how you described the bar once we returned to it, so I just started using my own imagination. I find most of it unnecessary. I think that's why I didn't mind the description of the apartment Nat and Mags went to, because it was very simply and left most of it up to my imagination. I just think a lot more story and character interactions could go in place of them.

I addressed this in Chris' review also but pretty much I've decided to see what I can do about trimming the biggest chucks of description down, since it seems to be a really sticking point for readers at this point- make them more like the descriptions of the apartment.

Overall, I still really like this idea and enjoyed getting to know these characters more. They're all really fun to read, and the entire concept is super intriguing. My main issue is just the description, because it becomes distracting after a while. But other than that, good work, MJ!

If your only issue at this point is the description I can honestly say I'm pretty happy with that, lol! So yes, once I make the change to the half hour script and implement the feedback I'm hoping it will be a stellar read Thanks for the second review Brady!