"Night Life (Pilot)" ReviewI finally got around to reading the pilot. I have some mixed feelings about it, but here's my review nonetheless:
Firstly, I want to talk about the characters, and the way you've introduced them. Off the bat, I have to tell you that Angeline was probably my favourite character, with Charity being a close second. I think they read the best to me, and their dialogue was always interesting and I guess they just captured me the most. Angeline had a humour to her that I appreciated. Charity and Mags had a bond/friendship that was refreshing. The main protagonist grew on me as the episode went on, and the more we got into his head, the easier it was to accept him as the protagonist -- as we grow to do with every pilot -- and the twist in his story mid-way was an interesting way of solidifying my interest in his development. So, those are my notes on that. However, I did have a problem with the way characters were introduced, and so I'm going to talk about that a little bit now.
I'm not too versed in introducing characters with different names as they're said in the script, so I could be completely wrong here, but it doesn't sit right with me that we are introduced to the main character as "MAN" then "SAM" and later his true name, "NATE." I think introducing him to us on paper in a similar way you did everyone else -- as his true self -- would add to the mysterious vibe of the teaser and be far more efficient as it allows the audience to latch onto the main character from the get-go. Again, I don't know too much about it, but that's just how I would do it and that's all I can offer in my review of how you introduced him as that first scene is a whole lot of "MAN" and "WOMAN" interacting which is an approach that doesn't really rope me in.
In mentioning that, I don't like the fact there are nameless "WOMAN 1" and "WOMAN 2" with as many lines as they have, and the fact that they're introduced as a group based on their gender of just "YOUNG WOMEN." I think giving these women names is more important than knowing every little detail about the club they're in, considering they're the ones that lead us straight into meeting the main character. If you don't want to give them names -- as they are minor characters -- then a drive behind them that distinguishes them is better, for example, "DRESSED UP WOMAN," "DRUNK WOMAN," "FLIRTY WOMAN," "SHY WOMAN", or something along those lines as it says more to us as an audience than just a character of a gender, "1" and "2." I'm also a little uncomfortable with how the first three female characters we're introduced to are basically shown to be not the brightest, mange to send their friend out with some strange, shady dude, and within at least an hour (probably), Isabel is seen making out with him in an alleyway. I would think if there was at least some hesitancy from Isable, then it would be more acceptable and the jump in time would allow for us to see into this really dumb move on her part. I mean, it's not her fault she got killed -- I'm not playing into that argument because that's just silly -- I'm just saying that it seems unrealistic that these three women are meant to be friends and they're eager to let their friend walk off with some random dude that has "serial killer" written all over. A joke one of my female friends always says is "don't trust a man in a fedora," haha, and I thought that was relevant to say here in regards to Nate and his choice of attire out on the prowl.
There were a lot of great character introductions, though -- something I would have liked for Nate. For example, the description for Mags and Angeline was honestly flawless, and creative but to the point. The line, "wrapped in beauty and grace" was incredible and really captured her in a way that helps distinguish all these characters from one another. The only part I'd remove from it is the fact that you told us Angeline is much older than the other vampires, but that no one is sure by how much. Action shouldn't give us insight into characters' thoughts as much as dialogue does; the fact that we are introducing Angeline here means we keep it to Angeline. It's not relevant that the audience knows about other characters' doubts about how old she truly is, if that makes sense.
Moving on, I wanted to touch on the discussion of descriptions that others have brought up, and I hope it can offer some help and not just be someone beating a dead horse. There's a lot of description in here that is extremely prose-y. I've been taught that you need to keep to what's important, what's necessary for the scene to maintain its purpose. The action should be relevant to the purpose. So writing "his mouth is still tight over the wound on her neck but there is so much blood he can't drink it all" doesn't give us any new information from when he clamps his mouth over the wound and feeds from her. Some parts are repetitive, as I mentioned before. We see that Mags is licking blood off a blade, and then there's a three line paragraph describing in explicit detail how she is licking the blood off the blade when we already know that is what she's doing. I think with exterior shots, you're describing way too much. If you think about how it works on television, you'll see an establishing exterior shot for a fragment of a second, three seconds maximum, and so if you take into account that one pages equals a minute, we're essentially focusing on "Sunrise Slumber Bar and Apartments" for fifteen to twenty seconds. Lastly, you go as far as to describe the shelves being covered in liquor bottles, and follow that line with "but they are mostly for show should someone unsuspecting wander in." I think an audience would know what is behind a bar, but the most important thing is, unless someone is walking in that second to get a drink, then discussing the idea that someone could walk in and be offered a drink is redundant because -- again -- it isn't actually something that is happening right now therefore it shouldn't be included in the action.
Some other notes I had jotted down were:
-- Some of the swearing seemed a bit forced, in my opinion. I'm not big on swearing unless it adds something to the dialogue, to the scene, or to the purpose of what's happening, and there are instances where you
nail it. But there are others where it seems out of place, for instance, "don't be fucking greedy" didn't flow organically to me, and "he's so fucked" was another where it didn't sit right.
-- You don't have to re-introduce Nate as "NATHANIEL NATE VOSS" in the second act. We already know who he is, and he was literally in the scene before this one (despite the act break).
-- The "morning" thing went over my head. It was actually a little annoying for me because I had to message my friend and ask what they think it meant, and while I felt a bit dumb after having to ask, I think it fell flat in terms of humour (if it was meant to be a humorous element of the pilot). I mean, it sounds like something that could be a running gag, and I'm worried it will be because it seems a bit silly in retrospect of the show itself. That said, there is humour in Angeline, and witty lines from Nate that work really well and are refreshing. This was just a nit picky element that I had to bring up because it did make me stop reading and have to ask someone about it.
-- I thought it was a bit odd that Nate is her errand boy, but has no way of contacting Angeline. Also, why does he send photos to an email, when Angeline had a phone. I know that she uses the phone at the end to make a phone call to someone unknown, but it felt strange that he was attaching photos to an email, and Angeline was just chilling with a laptop opened in front of her and then starts using the phone to the other side of her. I thought maybe if she was already on the phone, got the message, saw it, then said that to the person on the other end of the line, or if it was just as simple as seeing the messages, and then making the call.
-- Using "Continuous" is something I haven't really studied, so I'm not too sure about its uses. But I don't think you can write APARTMENT CONTINUOUS and then have your characters in a bedroom and a kitchen, and other rooms without specific scene headers. Again, I might be wrong and could learn something here, haha.
-- You wrote "SMASH CUT TO" when it should be a "JUMP CUT TO" if its a shift in time.
-- Lastly, there were a few SPAG errors as early as the first few pages, and peppered throughout that a quite edit should fix!
Finally, I wanted to end this review with all the stuff that really connected with me and that I enjoyed one hundred and ten percent. I liked the suspense that built up from the beginning half of the episode around the "Duchess" character. It added a real sense of fear that these characters have for her, and/or that they were controlled/lead by her and turns out its
very true. It also aided us in the introduction of Angeline, and really revved us up for an important character. You gave us - the audience - the hype, and then had the pay-off which is always appreciated in any situation hype or suspense is involved, so props for that! Also, the twist with Nate ending up as the errand boy was one of my favourite parts. I already like that development and I think it's what has me most excited for the show.
We got some insight into the mythology of the vampires, little references here and there, but mostly about how they're ran, and I liked that. I do wish there was more, but again, this is a pilot, and I'm assuming as the show grows, so will the mythology and the explanation for how these vampires are different to other vampires from the plethora of vampire shows and movies.
The introduction of the hunters makes me excited. The strange thing about this show is that the protagonists don't seem to be very nice people, and so with the introduction of hunters there's a risk of the audience connecting with them as opposed to these vampires. I'm a little nervous about it actually, because there aren't any real redeeming qualities about any of the main characters, especially when these vampires are written as strong, and powerful, and intimidating and confident, and the three human girls we got a glimpse into at the beginning of the episode were unintelligent, and lacked common sense. I wonder if the hunters will have the same treatment and its a statement on mankind, or if redeeming qualities about the vampires will surface as the show progresses and we will sympathise with them and see the hunters as antagonists. I hope this point makes sense. Either way, I'm excited about it and I wasn't expecting it. In fact, the whole case that Angeline sends Nate on in this episode is where I really started to become invested.
Lastly, I had to talk about the relationship between Mags and Nate. For me, I get a real sense of buddy cop dynamic from the two of them, and I like that, but I feel the push for them to become something romantic and it makes me uncomfortable. The compliments are really forced, and the moments to create some level of awareness that one is attracted to the other are peppered into moments where Nate is snapping his fingers at Mags like she's a dog, or tied into the murder of a woman who looks like her. I don't really see a chemistry between the two other than being partners, and co-workers or what have you, but it does look as though there is an intent to have these two fall into each other's orbit, romantically, and as early as the pilot, I'm not a huge fan of that direction. That said, it is just the pilot, so there's plenty of time for development and progression.
Anyway, those were my thoughts on Eventide. I know I have very mixed feelings about it, and it probably shows in my review, but I hope all my points made sense and there's something to take away from this. This does just reflect my exposure to the pilot, and that's all I can really offer. But yeah, I hope this helped in some way, if not, it was an interesting read.
