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Post by Jamison on Nov 9, 2015 15:43:25 GMT -6
Okay so now that I'm all caught up on Audition, its time to continue Screenwriters Paradise.  1.07: "That Kid From 3rd Rock"So this episode deals with the fallout of Emily losing her job at CBS. I like that Emily is that much of an important character that her losing her job doesn't just effect her, it effects everyone! She was essentially the one in the divers seat moving this story forward and now that she's jobless everyone is stranded and clueless as to what to do next. Even though I do love it when Emily goes off the rails, it always makes for some good scenes, I would like to see her pull it together and focus on her next step. I'm interested to see where she'll go from here. Freya and Troy shared a nice moment in this episode. They really gel together well and could make for a great platonic relationship. There's nothing like a good old TV show to spark a new friendship! I can't believe that Joshua didn't know who JGL was... like seriously?! I laughed when Joshua told JGL-- "don't worry dude. You'll make it one day." Haha! The bar scene between Andrew and Joshua was great and I'm interested in how they use this new found relationship with JGL to their advantage. Hopefully they play it smart this time and not put all their eggs in one basket like they did with Emily. I'm glad you noticed that about Emily's character. She was set up as a sort of guide for Andrew and Joshua; possibly not a very good one, but a guide nonetheless. She's got an interesting journey for the remainder of sequence one and if you want to see Emily back on her feet again, I think you'll enjoy what I've got planned for her in S2. I was hoping a relationship between Freya and Troy would bring out a bit more personality from the both of them, so I'm glad you enjoyed that. They've got a few more nice scenes together that I'm hoping you'll get a kick out of! And yeah, Joshua's completely clueless when it comes to that. I've just been using it as a running gag, as in the pilot he had no idea who Shawn Leonidas was. haha! This new partnership should teach Andrew and Josh some very valuable life lessons, whether it turns out well or not. 1.08: "Fuck CBS"
So it was a big day for Andrew and Joshua and all seemed to have gone well. JGL seemed really into their idea, as did I, so I'm hoping something comes of this. Andrew seems to be a bit cautious however, which he should be considering how their last stroke of luck turned out. It looks like they have got a lot of work to do to make a lasting impression. Fingers crossed. Wendy is creepy as hell. Even when she came off bubbly and just a fan, I knew there was something off about her. But I'm excited to see what's happens next with her and how she intends to plant herself into Shawn's life. That's all he needs, a crazy stalker fan after all the shit he's been through already. Freya's storyline was interesting in this episode. She still not a character that I love yet, but seeing her struggle with the photo shoot and giving to the directors requests made me kind of sad. She, just like anyone else wants to make it in this city but I didn't expect her to lower herself to book a job. I'm intrigued to see where you go with this. I also loved the way she tells Emily that's she's worried about her vagina! Its bringing out a bit more of her personality living with Em. Glad you liked their Limbo idea. I honestly couldn't think of an idea for a show they'd be writing so I just used of the many abandoned projects I have in my head haha! We'll see how all this goes in the last string of episodes. Yeah, Wendy is something else. Just an all around cooky character that will bring nothing but misery to Shawn, but I promise, things will start looking up for him in S2. It's always tough seeing characters struggling like that so I'm glad you felt for her there, even if you're not the biggest fan of hers. |
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Jay Paterson
 
Episode 4 - "There's Something About Leila" - Out Now
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Post by Jay Paterson on Nov 9, 2015 15:54:54 GMT -6
1.11: "Vaginal Weightlifting"
WTF? This episode made me seriously LOL! First off, vaginal weight lifting is a thing? Looking at the episode title I thought it was a metaphor for something. Like the girls were going to have a competition to see who has the bigger lady bollocks. But actually lifting weights with their vaginas? Now that's hilarious! So, Freya's asexual? Its no surprise that I'm not the biggest fan of Freya and this new discovery just makes her even more unrelatable for me. But I guess I'll have to wait and see where this goes. Joshua finally asks Troy out on a date, thus confirming that this is more than just a purely sexual thing. He does have feeling for Tory, as does he for Joshua, so maybe this will open up new experiences and story lines for Josh as he's a character that doesn't take relationships so seriously so he's stepping into new territory here and I'm interested in how he'll react to it. Uh Oh, not another bit of bad news for Shawn. Come on, Chris cut him a break! Wendy is a complete psychopath and has put Shawn in such a tight spot. I really have no idea what's he's going to do next and as for the sex tape, I wonder how Emily will react to it. I honestly couldn't stop laughing when his manager when he said,
Bruce:
"Listen, this is Kris Jenner on the other line. I called to get her advice on how we should play this like she did with Kim. But we’ll talk more later! That had me in stitches. Overall great episode, It was really funny! Ans yay for Andrew finally getting over his writers block!
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Post by Jamison on Nov 9, 2015 15:56:47 GMT -6
Yay for Screenwriter Paradise and Audition Crossover!! What an exciting two episodes, when these guys get together it sure makes for a good time. Both of these episodes has some of my favourite moments in the sequence so far, so like I usually do I'll ramble my way through both episodes telling you my thoughts. 1.09: "And Then There Were Threesome" & 1.10: "Sexual Healing"
Shawn has the most interesting arc throughout these two episode, which is great because I've been waiting for more Shawn. At the beginning of 1.09 we find out that Shawn is blacklisted in LA because of his previous antics with Stanley Page's daughter. Not only that but he also finds out he's being replaced on The Johnsons, harsh! When is Shawn going to catch a break, he's had it rough since we first met him and its been going down hill ever since. But I think its a good balance for the show, not only are you following two noobs who are slowly but surly rising you are focusing on someone who's had it but is falling. The same with Emily here as well, which is why that ending was so perfect they are going through similar situations. And even though it may only be a one time thing, I totally ship Shamily? Haha! So glad you enjoyed the crossover! It was a lot of fun for Brady and I to write and I love working with him. Bringing these two sets of characters together again just had to be done and this surely isn't the last time it's gonna happen. I'm hoping for crossovers in every sequence from now, if the opportunity presents itself. In the earlier episodes, Shawn was very much in the background so I wanted to bring him out more and give him more focus in arc two. So I'm glad you appreciated that and was interested in his arc and character. The relationship between him and Emily might not last but it's definitely something the both of them needed at the time. It also introduces a pretty sinister storyline that I'm sure you're aware of from that ending. Shamily, huh? HAHA! That's great. I'll to put them in more scenes in the future. Shawn's not the best influence for anybody right now, especially Alex and Alisha. But they set him on a better path that will surely make for a more relaxed and focused Shawn. I'd like to get more into Shawn's backstory in S2 so hopefully I have time for it. Brady and I came up with a few potential songs for Paula to be singing but we obviously settled on Waterfalls. HAHA! Sorry I couldn't give Emily and Troy a duet for you; just was the right time. But who knows? There may be a karaoke round two in the future. Paula is so good at giving advice, and Brady is so amazing at writing that character, so I'm glad he was there to put that into the episode. Joshua and Paula? That's interesting. I'm sure all of them will get to know each other better in future crossovers  Yeah, even I don't know how that happened. haha But it was entertaining as hell. This episode ran a little longer because we thought it was be wise to split the characters into three groups, but I'm glad everything we tried to get in this episode made it in. I thought we were gonna have to cut some of the pep talks but we decided to just let the episode be 20 pages long because they were so important for the characters moving forward. Thanks so much for reading and for your feedback, Jay! It's always such a pleasure to read and I'm glad you enjoyed these crossover episodes. Can't wait to see what you think of the last few episodes |
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Jay Paterson
Episode 4 - "There's Something About Leila" - Out Now
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Post by Jay Paterson on Nov 9, 2015 17:15:55 GMT -6
1.12: "Square Zero"
Bravo, Chris. This was a perfect finale for a perfect sequence. My love for this show grows with each episode so its sad that I won't be getting to read one in a while!  So, just when everything was going smoothly for the boys, JGL shows up and delivers some bad news. Just as the due were getting somewhere with their TV show limbo we discover that CBS has it on hold and its all down to Troy! I know that would come to bite them in the ass, he was just trying to do a good thing and get their script seen by the bog guys and he's want and screwed them out of a deal with JGL. It really does suck, but what I really did like was their undefeated attitude. Joshua is really good at trying to make the best of a situation whereas Andrew is a bit more realistic so its good to have Josh there to help push them forward and keep going. Poor Shawn, I really do feel bad for him. He's trying to be the better guy and do right by Emily and his agent is just trying to make a quick buck from it. What sucks most is the ending, he's gives into Wendy, but unbeknown his video is being leaked. I wonder how this will effect him next sequence, I can't see it going to well. I'm really excited for Emily's new path next sequence. Even though I would have thought it was fun to see her chase down her dream of being a singer, I think what your doing with her is a more realistic approach. She obviously did like being an agent, I mean its not just a job you fall into so she picked it for a reason, so it will be fund to see her rediscover her love for the job all over again. And in her new offices? Overall fantastic first sequence. I'm a big fan of this show and I'm really excited to see what's to come!
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Post by Jamison on Nov 10, 2015 21:00:57 GMT -6
1.11: "Vaginal Weightlifting"
WTF? This episode made me seriously LOL! First off, vaginal weight lifting is a thing? Looking at the episode title I thought it was a metaphor for something. Like the girls were going to have a competition to see who has the bigger lady bollocks. But actually lifting weights with their vaginas? Now that's hilarious! So, Freya's asexual? Its no surprise that I'm not the biggest fan of Freya and this new discovery just makes her even more unrelatable for me. But I guess I'll have to wait and see where this goes. Joshua finally asks Troy out on a date, thus confirming that this is more than just a purely sexual thing. He does have feeling for Tory, as does he for Joshua, so maybe this will open up new experiences and story lines for Josh as he's a character that doesn't take relationships so seriously so he's stepping into new territory here and I'm interested in how he'll react to it. Uh Oh, not another bit of bad news for Shawn. Come on, Chris cut him a break! Wendy is a complete psychopath and has put Shawn in such a tight spot. I really have no idea what's he's going to do next and as for the sex tape, I wonder how Emily will react to it. I honestly couldn't stop laughing when his manager when he said,
Bruce:
"Listen, this is Kris Jenner on the other line. I called to get her advice on how we should play this like she did with Kim. But we’ll talk more later! That had me in stitches. Overall great episode, It was really funny! Ans yay for Andrew finally getting over his writers block! I was watching Buzzfeed videos one day when I was bored and came across one where women tried vaginal weightlifting. And I just couldn't not take that idea. haha! Glad you got a kick out of that. Freya being asexual won't lead to any huge storylines or anything. It's just another aspect of her whole character. Hopefully you don't mean that this reveal makes you like her less. If so, that's kinda weird. lol But I'm still holding out hope that she'll grow on you in the future. You've already read the rest of the season so I can't respond to much, so I'll just say sorry for putting Shawn through so much crap this sequence. haha I promise, he'll have it better in S2. Thanks for the feedback, as always! Halloween Special: "You Got A Friend In Me"
Usually I'm not a fan of holiday specials but you really did a great job with this one. I really enjoyed that it focussed solely on your two main characters and gave us more insight to their relationship. Andrew and Joshua is unique and special, so its really great when they have these moments focusing on it. Its something that makes this show stand out. The moment that really stood out was when he realised why he dressed up as woody, it was pretty sweet. And we all assumed it has some dirty meaning behind it. Haha! One thing that I found surprising was to see that Joshua's feeling for Andrew go a little beyond just a friendship. I really never thought of those two together, and it really makes you feel sad for Joshua because Andrew can never reciprocate those feeling, well as far as I'm aware. It also makes you feel like how can they go on being such close friends when feelings are involved, so it will make for an interesting dynamic. And now that Freya has totally just blurted it out in front of Troy, it seems like these feeling will come to light more. Glad you enjoyed this Halloween special, especially since they're not usually your thing! I really wanted to hone in on Andrew and Joshua's relationship and peel back a few more layers of it. Joshua has flirted with Andrew in almost every episode leading up to this one, but it could be mistaken for just his personality and not anything serious, but this reveal shouldn't change too much as far as those two are concerned. They've been in this friendship for a while and Andrew knows everything already. Just letting the readers in on it now, but their dynamic should remain the same, for a while at least 1.12: "Square Zero"
Bravo, Chris. This was a perfect finale for a perfect sequence. My love for this show grows with each episode so its sad that I won't be getting to read one in a while! So, just when everything was going smoothly for the boys, JGL shows up and delivers some bad news. Just as the due were getting somewhere with their TV show limbo we discover that CBS has it on hold and its all down to Troy! I know that would come to bite them in the ass, he was just trying to do a good thing and get their script seen by the bog guys and he's want and screwed them out of a deal with JGL. It really does suck, but what I really did like was their undefeated attitude. Joshua is really good at trying to make the best of a situation whereas Andrew is a bit more realistic so its good to have Josh there to help push them forward and keep going. Poor Shawn, I really do feel bad for him. He's trying to be the better guy and do right by Emily and his agent is just trying to make a quick buck from it. What sucks most is the ending, he's gives into Wendy, but unbeknown his video is being leaked. I wonder how this will effect him next sequence, I can't see it going to well. I'm really excited for Emily's new path next sequence. Even though I would have thought it was fun to see her chase down her dream of being a singer, I think what your doing with her is a more realistic approach. She obviously did like being an agent, I mean its not just a job you fall into so she picked it for a reason, so it will be fund to see her rediscover her love for the job all over again. And in her new offices? Overall fantastic first sequence. I'm a big fan of this show and I'm really excited to see what's to come! Things didn't work out this time, thanks to Troy, which should lead to some interesting plots in sequence two. Even though they weren't able to move forward with their project, I wanted to give them a hopeful ending, with them already starting work on their new idea. Things for Shawn might go better than you expect Yeah, Emily got into her job for a reason and even though she grew to despise the company she worked for, her love for the job hasn't gone anywhere. Her arc next sequence is all about finding her on path, and I'm excited to write that. Stay tuned! Thanks for sticking with the show and for all your feedback! Your reviews have been a pleasure to read. |
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Jay Paterson
Episode 4 - "There's Something About Leila" - Out Now
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Post by Jay Paterson on Nov 11, 2015 12:49:12 GMT -6
Freya being asexual won't lead to any huge storylines or anything. It's just another aspect of her whole character. Hopefully you don't mean that this reveal makes you like her less. If so, that's kinda weird. lol But I'm still holding out hope that she'll grow on you in the future. Lol. Not at all. Freya's sexual preference or lack there of doesn't make me like her any less. I guess, I just meant that so far for me I haven't been able to relate to her. But that's a bit unrealistic anyway to get and love all the characters on a show. She does start to shine when you highlight her new friendship with Troy however. Haha! I guess you right, he has been flirting with Andrew the whole time. I just saw that as him trying to embarrass his best friend but. But now knowing that there are feeling there it does make me look at it differently and should definitely make for a more interesting sequence two. |
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Post by Jack Malone on Nov 18, 2015 23:18:58 GMT -6
Screenwriters Paradise1x03 Review: 'The Shindig From Hell'
So this episode features the party set-up from the previous episode, and it's full of booze, twists, connections, a drunken strip dance with a could-be-marvel-superhero-name for Joshua, and the spark of potential romances for our main two characters. What else could you want from an episode? I really liked this instalment. I think there was a lot more balance, and plot progression than the previous two episodes that definitely felt like they were just there for set-up and dealt with one primary conflict for 10+ pages. In this one, we had a new setting, and some new characters for the main two to interact with which provided us with probably the best episode of the sequence so far. I loved the Jennifer Lawrence gag at the start, it definitely made me crack up. I love little things like that where you're able to find humour for the show but also peel back layers of characters, and let the audience understand your characters' humour more, or character in general, more. And I think you achieved that with the opening scene! Troy and Joshua get off to an interesting start. I like how they both commented on the 'doucheness' of their names (despite myself not subscribing to that opinion) as it really seemed to fire up a bond that sparked some inevitable chemistry. I think seeing where they progress will be interesting, especially considering the strip tease with Magic!Josh at the end got them kicked out, and Troy tagged along for the 'after party.' Emily and Andrew, on the other hand, were off to a good start, but it felt a little more rushed. It was strange to have Emily turn around after talking for the majority of their interaction and say, 'I like you.' I don't think Andrew had enough time to let his personality spill out for her to comment on it and make a snap judgement, but I guess she's in the career of making snap judgements, and so I'm more conflicted than 'yay' or 'nay.' I always think there's conflict in playing things out in a realistic way, and so connections being formed so quickly kind of feels like a missed opportunity, and a way to go from A to B without all that good stuff. I did appreciate the fact that Emily gave us that backstory, name dropped an Audition fave, and you connected those two worlds, and connected Emily's appearance with the crossover. She definitely fires more here than she did in her two-part role on 'Audition,' and I really enjoyed her voice in this one. Her being blunt and to the point felt less of an unlikeable quality, and more of a much needed one for the show, if that makes sense. It's like, if you look at every character as a different voice and perspective, she offers a lot for 'Screenwriters Paradise' whereas that didn't click as well when she was on 'Audition' cause... different show. Moving on, the 'wife' twist is interesting. I can't really comment on it more than just saying I'm eager to see where it takes the character of Andrew, and takes us going forward for the show. I definitely didn't see it coming. A little gripe I had was to do with Joshua. It's been a while since I picked back up on the show, so I might be glossing over something in the previous episode, but I was really confused with how he managed to get drunk so quickly. Perhaps being a lightweight is part of his character, and if that is the case, then problem resolved, but it just felt a little convenient to really rush things into an abrupt finish there. Lastly, I love how everyone ends up at an 'after party' yet to be seen. It's a coming together of the worlds with Joshua, Andrew, Troy and Emily all sort of being kicked out/following each other out. Sets us up for what is probably going to be an even better episode in 104.
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Post by Jack Malone on Nov 19, 2015 4:28:41 GMT -6
Screenwriters Paradise1x04 Review: 'Aftermath of the Shindig from Hell.'I really liked the structure of this episode in the way that the 'after party' was recounted through Joshua, and shown in a series of flashbacks that really honed in on Joshua's voice and personality a little, but also peeled back important layers of the night. It was a really creative way to tell the story for this episode, so well done. First of all, I really liked the transition of 'no funny business' to Troy and Joshua making out. It was a clever way to explore that quick time jump, and progress the story. I thought it was really funny how you forget for a second that Joshua is recounting this 'sexual escapade' to Andrew and how awkward that actually is. They have a really close friendship. I feel like Joshua is more open, and more carefree, and Andrew is a lot more restrained, and it makes for great humour. I mean, Joshua considers them to be brothers, which is both fitting with how they interact, but also a little odd when you throw in the nudity and things like that, but nevertheless, this episode did a lot in establishing their own history. The scene between Andrew and Freya was a personal favourite. Using the word 'husband' to refer to Andrew was so on the nose, but I guess it was supposed to be that way. The backstory was really nice, and I like the fact that it was a quiet, almost really beautiful scene. Something I know I can expect from you in your virtual series endeavours is really complex relationships. There was Quentin and Valentina, James and Adam, and now this feels like a complex dynamic too. I'm sure there will be complexity between your main characters in the future, but with the history of Andrew and Freya somewhat explored, I'm interested in seeing where that goes, if it goes anywhere. The episode had such an odd ending. I guess we have to infer a lot into that scene, I mean, Freya is living nearby, appears to be not that well off, and it's somewhat of a secret life she's got going on? Not 'secret' secret, but one she's clearly ashamed of and the eviction notice doesn't spell paradise for her either. I don't know what to expect from her, but again, complexity, and complex relationships with rich history... you're really great at this stuff, so I'm excited. Lastly, there were quite a lot of SPAG errors, words missing, and things like 'his' instead of 'he' that, short of a quick read through, isn't too much of a problem. Going over your scripts in future will catch stuff like that, but it was a little obvious in this one so I had to note it
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Post by Jack Malone on Nov 19, 2015 5:00:39 GMT -6
Screenwriters Paradise
1x05 Review: 'Intruder Alert'
This episode was a great follow up to the previous. I do believe that this show has that great quality of peeling back more and more each episode, and getting better each episode, which is always a plus. Not to say the previous episodes were sub-par or anything, it's just nice to come back for another episode and things are even more enjoyable than that last, so starting this review with another 'well done,' haha!
I loved Emily in this episode. She has fast become a favourite. As I said in a previous review, her voice is just a nice perspective on the show, and having her around is great. She really fits this world you're moulding. Seeing her come home to find her boyfriend cheating on her, and then having that scene with her friends... it just widened her life up a little bit and let us know more and more about her that I found you did in a really organic way. I also appreciate her interactions with Troy, they're very fun to read. I like their banter at the beginning. Also, until you're in like your third or fourth sequence, my reviews for webisodes are clearly shite, and a lot of "I like this, and I liked that," so I apologise.
One thing I'm a little confused on - and I'm probably the only one here - but I'm confused about the dynamic between Joshua and Andrew, and at times, a little iffy about it because of the confusion. I guess it's a dynamic I can't really relate to, and a dynamic that hasn't had the opportunity to really establish itself as 'truth' yet, in the sense that it could be this, or it could be that, etc. But it was a little off putting in this one because of how much it pushed that envelope of what the relationship was established to be in the last episode where Joshua was referring to Andrew's wife as 'sister-in-law' and talking about how they're brothers, and in this one, they're tickling each other, and wrestling, and Joshua said something that felt way too on the nose with, 'all those times I thought about you sucking me off, that is not what I had in mind.' It's constantly shifting from a brothers relationship, to best friends, and then to a slight romantic push in a way that hasn't quite rested in one place yet, and has changed so much in just five episodes. I don't know what to make of it yet, in comparison to the previous episode where things felt more clear.
I will say, on a positive note, I thought the scene where Andrew says this was their place, and was quite possessive of it was adorable. I just think it's really strange to play a 'brothers' card, and then have the blowjob comment. But I guess, as the show progresses, I'll learn more about their dynamic. This show is more adult, and so it could essentially just be the same as a more sexualised any-hetero-best-friend-pairing-ever ship. I just know that when I was doing edits for Brian's '101 Ways to Survive High School,' he was originally very adamant about establishing Hayley and Danny as being like siblings, and there being nothing there, and then I kind of pushed it a little, and was talking about how it can limit a perception on these two characters, and then make things weird if he reaches like S5 and decides they've progressed not necessarily into a romantic pairing, but having some of those qualities, and so that's why I bring up the same thing here. Again, I'm looking forward to reading on and figuring out for myself, but in terms of episode-to-episode review, that's the vibe I'm getting from them now.
Lastly, I really liked the idea of Emily shacking up with Andrew and Joshua. It actually felt like the perfect set up. I was so disappointed with how it ended, haha! I mean, it felt a little too convenient to have this twist with Freya in the previous episode with her lying, and having the last lines of the episode talk about her thinking of some next move, only for that next move to be her rocking up at Andrew's and confessing about how she lied. It felt a little rushed, but I mean, that could easily be a matter of this expectation of there being more to the story not being met. Other than that, things all lined up in the end so it was totally fine. BUT I WANT EMILY TO SHACK UP WITH ANDREW AND JOSHUA YA FEEL ME?! *sighs*
Anyway, those are my thoughts so far. This was another great instalment. Despite my confusion on the Andrew/Joshua dynamic, I adored Emily in this episode, I wish you had her move in, but the way things fell into place at the end were very fitting and brought Freya immediately back into the story so I can't really complain too much.
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Post by Jack Malone on Nov 19, 2015 5:30:43 GMT -6
Screenwriters Paradise
1x06 Review: 'First Pitch'
Wow. What an awesome mid-sequence finale. I definitely didn't see that twist at the end coming with Emily, nor did I predict what the backstory ended up being for Shawn. The relationship between Troy and Joshua continues to develop, while it also kind of becomes a lens in which we further see what this dynamic between Joshua and Andrew is like in a way.
First up, I do agree with Brian in that it was a little graphic, and not what I'm used to reading, both in the sex scene with Troy/Joshua and Shawn/Amber (I'll get to the latter in a bit), but it's moving the story forward, and it's peeling back more layers, and introducing us to this dynamic between Troy and Joshua, so it's not necessarily a negative. It is very HBO, and it is very new for theVPN too. My only problem was Andrew storming in, haha! I understand Joshua and Andrew have that kind of relationship where they're comfortable with each other, but I also felt like Andrew neglected Troy's own privacy in it, and then when Troy just stands up and reveals himself in his entirety, that was the part where it didn't seem to progress story, and didn't seem to be nudity for the right reasons as much as a side gag between Joshua and Andrew (gag probably being the most inappropriate word to use here). I think finding a balance of what serves the story, and what can come off as reading a smut fanfiction, is key to scenes like this. I mean, even watching True Blood where everyone just ended up banging every episode was a little 'ugh, let's fast forward through this crap' eventually. I mean, thinking of actors as well, it's like "wait, I have to get nude on screen so these other two characters can just admire my physical form for a hella awkward second?" That was the only strife I had with it - the sex, while very descriptive on both occasions, wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Stripping that back a little would work best - subtlety is something I've grown to prefer - but I guess it's trial and error, and you can see from reviews what people thought worked, and what people thought didn't work.
Now, this is where everything I just said kind of gets erased a little because Andrew storms in on Emily as well, and so it could just be a character trait of him being an impatient man, and someone who doesn't really respect privacy, or what have you, but it was a little more forgiveable this second time because no one was naked in front of someone they didn't want to be naked in front of, you know? But I did enjoy the urgency in this particular scene. I like how Emily seems to bullshit her way through it, and she's really good at thinking on her feet and I think she is the stand out character at the moment for me. You write her really well. The twist at the end was actually really shocking. I like the fact that you realise this hasn't been scheduled, and you're almost like 'yes, she got away with it' until he says those two very painful words, haha! I mean, to fire her while Joshua and Andrew are there thinking they're about to have this meeting... I mean, Emily's life is just shit right now. Her boyfriend cheats on her, her friends won't take her in, she finds a roommate in Freya on the deal that she will get Joshua and Andrew a meeting with some guy at CBS, and then she gets fired before she can hold up her end of the bargain. Shit. Shit. Shit. I feel sorry for her, man! Can the girl ever catch a break?
Lastly, I have to talk about my favourite aspect of the episode which was found in the side story with Shawn. We were introduced to why he was fired, essentially, and I really liked the twist him and Amber being together and how Amber's father has a restraining order out on Shawn. When Eli rocked up, I was kind of like 'oh this guy might help the situation,' but nope! He turned out to be a racist douchebag, so I couldn't have been more wrong. But I like being wrong. I like when things are unpredictable, and this episode certainly was that, so props to you!
Overall, a great mid-sequence finale. The twists were unpredictable, you furthered the dynamic between Troy and Joshua, Emily continues to be one of the greatest characters on the show, and I think if I just erase the 'brothers' comment out of my mind, I can see Andrew and Joshua as the whole 'best friends but so much more' dynamic we're familiar with on a lot of different media. I mean, the only thing I'd say for improvements after reading this first half is to re-read over your work for SPAG errors, and just make sure whatever graphic stuff you include furthers the story rather than becomes sex for sex or nudity for nudity, you know? Other than that, it's been a good first arc one! I'll read the next arc soon, hopefully before you leave us *how dare you* so I don't feel guilty, and so I know what the HELL HAPPENS TO EMILY NEXT LIKE IS SOMEONE GOING TO DIE!? YOU NEED TO STOP MESSING WITH HER!
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Post by Jack Malone on Nov 19, 2015 19:08:43 GMT -6
Screenwriters Paradise1x07 Review: 'That Kid From 3rd Rock'I really liked the opening of this episode with Andrew and Joshua. I mean, the entire structure of the episode was really nice and allowed us to kind of dig back into these characters' lives after the shocking twist that ended the previous episode. And we also got some different dynamics in this one that was unexpectedly brilliant, but I'll get into that more as we go! First up, I love that we started with Andrew and Joshua very defeated. It reminds me of how movies will have that 'woe is me' moment before they have their big heroic victory. At least, I hope a victory is coming before the season is over. In this episode, they had a nice back and forth as they kind of focused on their pretty shitty situation, but... who else but Joseph Gordon Levitt would show up to change their luck around! I think it was nice to have him meet Joshua and not Andrew, coming to know that the former had no idea that it was JGL. They had a really funny interaction. I mean, it's comical. It makes Joshua more endearing, which is nice, and I think it was a twist of fate that Andrew got sick and couldn't be there to see him because his freak out might have been - I mean it definitely would have been - uncool. So I really like that twist. I hope you do more cameos like that where actors and actresses are playing themselves, because if a show like this were on the air, I could see that being a legitimate thing, in the same way that 'Nashville,' a show about the country music industry, pulls real country stars onto their show. Next up, I really liked the dynamic between Troy and Freya. It was nice to see them just kicking back and watching a show they both really loved, and having that commentary on it was hilarious. I do think that Freya, right now, needs to interact with Andrew more, purely because they have a history and a relationship I want to crack into, you know? I want to learn more about it. I feel like that 'we are married' twist was great, and it feels a little like Freya has just kind of been immediately sidelined, so it would be cool to explore them more in the future I loved the shout out to Jace Riordan. I genuinely forget these shows are linked up because of how different the tone is, but I guess it's like the Torchwood of Doctor Who, or the Angel to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you know? It's the darker, more adult version. Constant reminders like that, though, are good to pepper throughout in an organic way because then when you do have crossovers, the links are there! Finally, Emily was great in this episode. I think it's nice to contrast characters and show Freya at home in contrast to Emily being out and partying, and then showing how well Troy knows Emily by pretty much recapping her scenes we saw in this episode as a usual occurrence. It's things like that which deliver on character development in a way that is more subtle and in a way that I really appreciate. All in all, probably one of the better episodes of the sequence so far.
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Post by Jamison on Nov 20, 2015 14:37:09 GMT -6
Screenwriters Paradise1x03 Review: 'The Shindig From Hell'
So this episode features the party set-up from the previous episode, and it's full of booze, twists, connections, a drunken strip dance with a could-be-marvel-superhero-name for Joshua, and the spark of potential romances for our main two characters. What else could you want from an episode? I really liked this instalment. I think there was a lot more balance, and plot progression than the previous two episodes that definitely felt like they were just there for set-up and dealt with one primary conflict for 10+ pages. In this one, we had a new setting, and some new characters for the main two to interact with which provided us with probably the best episode of the sequence so far. I loved the Jennifer Lawrence gag at the start, it definitely made me crack up. I love little things like that where you're able to find humour for the show but also peel back layers of characters, and let the audience understand your characters' humour more, or character in general, more. And I think you achieved that with the opening scene! Welcome back, Jack! Glad you enjoyed this episode. I definitely agree that it was more balanced and put together than the last two. Probably because I was able to shift focus between a greater number of characters throughout the episode. I'm glad the humor is working for so many people because it was the thing that I was most concerned about. I don't think I'm all that funny, so writing a dramedy, even though I consider it more drama than comedy, was pretty intimidating for me. As you know since you're already half way done with the sequence, there's a bit more in store for these two. I think Emily just liked the fact that Andrew didn't instantly try to win her over because of her job even though she could tell he wanted to. That and she's completely desperate. haha! It would have been nice to see more of a relationship build but there's always a conflict with the time management and figuring out how much time I have to get something done in order to get the story where I want it to go. Still haven't completely figured out the mechanics of webisode dramas, but I appreciate the feedback and hope to let relationships grow more organically in the future. Her relationship with Andrew is explored a little bit more this sequence, but it's definitely not gone into right away. However, it's a much bigger deal in sequence two, so you'll have that to look forward. That's my bad. I think Joshua is the kind of guy that exaggerates how drunk he is and I didn't make that clear at all in the script. You'll notice that he's more of less sober in the next episode by the time they all make it bak to the apartment complex. So yeah, that was a big oopsie on my part. Glad you enjoyed this episode! Your feedback is much appreciated! |
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Post by Jamison on Nov 20, 2015 14:54:47 GMT -6
Screenwriters Paradise1x04 Review: 'Aftermath of the Shindig from Hell.'I really liked the structure of this episode in the way that the 'after party' was recounted through Joshua, and shown in a series of flashbacks that really honed in on Joshua's voice and personality a little, but also peeled back important layers of the night. It was a really creative way to tell the story for this episode, so well done. Thanks! The structure of the episode really came from me needing to showcase the actual after party, as well as the morning after. Originally, I wrote the episode in the natural chronological order, but the morning after felt a bit too tacked on, and didn't really work in terms of pacing. So I tried it this way instead and glad it worked out. Their relationship is a little more complicated than I'm letting on at the moment. There's a bit of confusion on both parts and I think you should be discovering that soon. Yeah, her calling him 'husband' was more playful than anything else. I really wish I got the time to explore their relationship more fully this sequence, but like I said in the previous response, it's definitely an issue I'll be fixing in S2. I'm glad you feel their dynamic is complex. I love writing developing those hard to define relationships and hopefully you'll enjoy what I have planned for them. Freya has a pretty tragic story that I haven't even introduced yet. I'm always afraid to talk about her character too much because she's probably the most mysterious of the bunch. There's still so much of her history that hasn't been told and I'm really excited to share that. I really need an editor. That or I need to start reading through my scripts more. Not much more I can say about that other than I apologize and I'm kicking myself because I should know better by now. haha! Thanks for the read and review, Jack! |
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Post by Jamison on Nov 20, 2015 15:34:04 GMT -6
Screenwriters Paradise1x05 Review: 'Intruder Alert'This episode was a great follow up to the previous. I do believe that this show has that great quality of peeling back more and more each episode, and getting better each episode, which is always a plus. Not to say the previous episodes were sub-par or anything, it's just nice to come back for another episode and things are even more enjoyable than that last, so starting this review with another 'well done,' haha! I loved Emily in this episode. She has fast become a favourite. As I said in a previous review, her voice is just a nice perspective on the show, and having her around is great. She really fits this world you're moulding. Seeing her come home to find her boyfriend cheating on her, and then having that scene with her friends... it just widened her life up a little bit and let us know more and more about her that I found you did in a really organic way. I also appreciate her interactions with Troy, they're very fun to read. I like their banter at the beginning. Also, until you're in like your third or fourth sequence, my reviews for webisodes are clearly shite, and a lot of "I like this, and I liked that," so I apologise. I'm glad you're becoming a fan of Emily! I'm know you weren't too sold on her in her first appearance on Audition, but I think your problems with her were valid. A mix between that and me not 100% sure what kind of character she was. I was still very much in the molding process with her but I feel she came into her own in this episode. At least that's what I was hoping. I can definitely see where you're coming from here. I may be weird for it, but I kind of love how the relationships and characters on the show, especially Andrew/Joshua are being read and interpreted differently, for better or worse. In the making of their relationship, I wanted to create a bond that was unlike anything I'd seen on tv. I think it being ambiguous was intentional. The reader not really knowing if its meant to be platonic, romantic or somewhere in between. Or if Joshua's constant flirting is just an aspect of his personality that Andrew has gotten used to after years and years of being his best friend. I can understand that the lines begin to blur and that would be off-putting for some people and I'm hoping in a few episodes that's resolved. But if not, I'll try to be more clear cut and straight forward in the future. This is the second time I've gotten this comment Aahh I'm so sorry lmao! Originally, it was in the plans for Emily to shack up with them for a while, but things with Freya worked out the way they did and I felt like a solution I couldn't pass up, even though looking back it was a bit too convenient and I might have done things differently. The result would have been the same, but it may not have happened right away. Though, I hope you enjoy the relationship Freya and Emily build as a result of them staying together. Again, thanks for the read and feedback! It's very fun seeing all the different opinions about the show. I kind of feed off of conflicting opinions haha |
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Post by Jamison on Nov 20, 2015 17:31:36 GMT -6
Screenwriters Paradise1x06 Review: 'First Pitch'Wow. What an awesome mid-sequence finale. I definitely didn't see that twist at the end coming with Emily, nor did I predict what the backstory ended up being for Shawn. The relationship between Troy and Joshua continues to develop, while it also kind of becomes a lens in which we further see what this dynamic between Joshua and Andrew is like in a way. First up, I do agree with Brian in that it was a little graphic, and not what I'm used to reading, both in the sex scene with Troy/Joshua and Shawn/Amber (I'll get to the latter in a bit), but it's moving the story forward, and it's peeling back more layers, and introducing us to this dynamic between Troy and Joshua, so it's not necessarily a negative. It is very HBO, and it is very new for theVPN too. My only problem was Andrew storming in, haha! I understand Joshua and Andrew have that kind of relationship where they're comfortable with each other, but I also felt like Andrew neglected Troy's own privacy in it, and then when Troy just stands up and reveals himself in his entirety, that was the part where it didn't seem to progress story, and didn't seem to be nudity for the right reasons as much as a side gag between Joshua and Andrew (gag probably being the most inappropriate word to use here). I think finding a balance of what serves the story, and what can come off as reading a smut fanfiction, is key to scenes like this. I mean, even watching True Blood where everyone just ended up banging every episode was a little 'ugh, let's fast forward through this crap' eventually. I mean, thinking of actors as well, it's like "wait, I have to get nude on screen so these other two characters can just admire my physical form for a hella awkward second?" That was the only strife I had with it - the sex, while very descriptive on both occasions, wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Stripping that back a little would work best - subtlety is something I've grown to prefer - but I guess it's trial and error, and you can see from reviews what people thought worked, and what people thought didn't work. Thanks for your feedback on this. It's one of the things I wasn't completely sure about even when I wrote it and I do agree that a little more subtlety could go a long way in scenes like those. I think I learned from my own mistakes when writing arc two. Admittedly, your thoughts on Andrew this episode -- I hadn't even considered. I won't lie to say "oh yeah, that was intentional and I was just showcasing another trait for his character" so yeah, it never crossed my mind. lol Thanks for pointing that out though, either it's something I'll change or explore in the future. Emily has it kinda rough this sequence. She's struggling figuring out what she wants out of life and you'll get to see more of that soon. Her being fired was always in the plans, though originally she would have been introduced into the story, already a 'former' CBS agent. I think seeing her work ethic or lack thereof, before she gets let go was the better way to go. Unfortunately, things get a lot worse before they start to get better, not just for her but for everyone. Shawn probably got the most focus in this episode than he has in any episode so far. He's very much in the background for a lot of arc one. Not intentionally -- it's just how the cards fell. But he steps out a lot in arc two, which I hope you enjoy. In regards to Eli. I think I made a little mistake. He's not meant to be seen as the racist here. Stanley is. In the script, I had this exchange: ELI God damn it, Shawn. You know you’re not supposed to be anywhere near this set.
SHAWN Why do you let this asshole tell you how to run your set? He hasn’t written a damn thing for this show!
Guess you’re just here to make sure the show doesn’t get too black, huh? You racist son of a bitch. When it should have been: SHAWN Why do you let this asshole tell you how to run your set? He hasn’t written a damn thing for this show!
(to Stanley) Guess you’re just here to make sure the show doesn’t get too black, huh? You racist son of a bitch. Eli is the showrunner and head writer for a very diverse show, while Stanley is the one who brings the money in. He's not really involved and he doesn't really care about the show, but he's technically the boss. So sorry about that. I hope that clears things up. I might need to go back and edit that part because it's really confusing.
Thanks for the notes. I appreciate them so much and I'll definitely be keeping them all in mind when moving forward. Hope you enjoy the rest of the sequence! |
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