Path Season One Disscusion Thread

[Brian Melanson]

Talk About Anything about the Path here! I would have to hear thoughts and Questions you guys have on this series!

[Keisha]

Only 6 days away! Whooo! Drama nights are almost here!

[Brian Melanson]

So WHO IS READY FOR THE PATH SERIES PREMIERE!!??

[Keisha]

*raises hand*

OMG OMG OMG HOPE ITS DRAMATIC LIKE TWILIGHT!!! lol j/k

[Brian Melanson]

LMAO! TWILIGHT IS BAAAAAAAADDDD!!! EVIL OMEN!!! HAHHA
But at least your excited! HAHAH

[Brian Melanson]

Tomorrow is the BIG DAY! Who is ready for DRAMA!?? And Any last minute questions about the series!?

[Jack Malone]

The Path Not Taken is about a young woman, Jenny Hart, who primarily, has an addiction that has pretty much ruined her life. Along the way, she's become more of a robot in her everyday life, with the same routine of drinking, and waking up like hell. But, when she faces death head on, well to say, when death hits her at several miles per hour, her life is tipped on its head and she slowly begins to pick up the pieces of her life.

The strongest point of the show are the voice overs. I think the dialogue is more mature, and clever when Jenny is speaking over the scenes - but it sounds nothing like her character at the moment, which leads me to believe this dialogue is from a much older Jenny, or when she is writing alone in her diary, her words and feelings are better expressed.

I want to give props to Brian for having such a minimal cast, and hope that those characters are developed well in the season, as they are all very interesting.

Where I think the episode struggles to hold a certain level of believability. Unlike a science fiction, or action/adventure, a drama is usually has real life situations, and reactions. Brian has the situations (story) down perfectly, but the reactions are way too overdramatic, and almost too much.

I found that at the start of the script, Jenny was emotionally in a bad place, but managed to hold her own, and sort of express that without being too forward. But by the end of the episode, it was like she had a mood swing and became really whiny, and beggy -- especially in the scene with her brother. Although it does communicate a lot of emotion in it, I felt sometimes it hits and misses, moving from an emotional scene where we are to relate to the character, to being too far out there to hit that note.

I think the backstory of Jenny's alcohol addiction was great -- a boy pushing her to do it. And the reference of him being the snake, and Jenny being eve -- taking the forbidden fruit -- was a really great line in the script. It was kinda overused since it was mentioned, but nontheless, I liked it sooo much to worry.

Overall the story was beyond amazing, and it was handled really well. Where the episode failed was, with its overdramatic dialogue and action on the characters' part, but still, the start was great, the key moments were alright, and the end was fantastic. The journey from beginning to end sort of swerved off course every now and then, but it worked out at the end.

7.5/10 - Fantastic story, with a great set of characters. Often overdramatic, which gets too out of hand, but manages to hit all the key moments.

[Keisha]

1x01- The End Where I Began

I was very excited for this show. I love drama and this show is all about that so you got my attention.

I appreciated the fact that you took the first part of the script to introduce us to Jenny rather than starting off with the death. It gave me a chance to see how low she'd gotten in her life before the accident. I felt like the pacing of events was spot on from the opening scene to the accident. Where the pacing faltered was when Harlen cleans out her things and the next day she's in rehab. That went by too quickly.

There were problems with spelling errors that took me out of the script. Would be a good idea to reread and fix them for people to have a smoother reading.

The concept itself is extremely strong. I love the fact that it's an intimate story about a girl given a second chance. For the pilot, you did a really good job of developing her character and allowing us to sympathize with her. At first I thought her death was going to be a supernatural intervention. GREAT JOB with making it a car accident. Very realistic and more effective.

The area that I believe needs most improvement is the dialogue. There are times where the script took a dive into the melodramatic/soap opera territory. For example, when Jenny gets in a fight with Mellie she shouts "I'm just a girl with problems that are out of control!" and that took me out of the script. It felt too cliche and forced. So I would work on channeling those emotions in a more realistic manner.

I know I touched on unrealistic dialogue but there were other things that concerned me as well. The fact that Jenny is up limping after 1 month is a little alarming but something I can get past.

The scene in which Harlen tries to convince Jenny to go to rehab was one of my biggest concerns. Him cleaning out her cabinets while she was gone was off putting. He came off as controlling and I feel like it would have been better for Jenny to do that herself. He also tells her that she is going to rehab the next day and she agrees. There was no discussion and it wasn't her choice. I think for someone struggling with addiction, she should go on her own accord. If someone is forced, they usually either bail or attend and then bail. If it's about her taking control of her life, I think Jenny needs to make these decisions for herself- not Harlen.

Can't believe this was left out. I hate to reinforce the 'overly dramatic' concept but another element that was off was the crying. Like when she receives the note from her ex boyfriend, I feel like she should have been stunned. There are other ways to make her emotional without sobbing and I think it would really help to explore those options.

Overall I felt like it was a nice effort. You have a strong story and can take it really far. Your strongest area really is your conceptual thinking. You simply need to censor yourself when it comes to melodrama and try for more realism.

I give it a 7/10.

[Keisha]

So where do we go from here? What can we expect from episode 2?

[Brian Melanson]

YOu can expect more drama LOL Selena Gomez is joining the cast as Holly Benson! And we will see Jenny begin to struggle with the temptations that life brings her.

[MJ]

Review for episode 1.01- The End Where I Began

First let me start by saying you have a great concept here. The story is great and so are the characters but having said that, there is still quite a lot of room for improvement. I'm going to start with the positives of you script and then move into some constructive criticism.

What was done well:
-The story.
As mentioned before you have a great concept here and I could happily see myself reading the rest of the season to find out what's going to happen.
-The beginning.
I really like that you took some time to establish what her life was like before the car accident. It would have been quite easy to just have begun with her waking up after the accident and simply alluding to her life before hand but I think the way you went about it was the better choice.
-Jenny's voice overs.
One of the choices you made that I really enjoyed was to have the voice overs throughout the episode. It was nice to have those little reflections from Jenny as the episode moved through the events in her life.
-Act 5.
My gosh, I just loved this entire act. I could really envision what you described and I just though it was a perfect way to end the episode. Definitely what I loved most about this episode.

Now onto the constructive criticism. One of the biggest issues I had with the script was grammar and sentence structure. There were quite a few instances where the use of grammar was rather poor. An example will the use of 'your' instead of 'you're'. This isn't a huge deal (a lot of people make this mistake) but if you want your writing to look professional it's things like this you need to work on. There was also a couple of cases where you used a full stop and started the next sentence with a conjunction when simply the conjunction and no full stop was fine. When you added the full stop it made the dialogue rather clunky and it would have flowed much better without it. I also felt that some of the dialogue would have benefited from the use of some commas. There were some cases where a pause was really needed in the sentence as it came out a little jumbled in meaning when you read the entire thing but as I mentioned, simply adding some commas here and there you can easily fix that.
There were a few other things in the script that needed fixing (such as missing words, typos, etc.) but your solution for everything I just mentioned is to simply find yourself a proofreader. Proofreading your work is very important if you want it looking it's best. Personally, I'll read through a piece of my writing up to three times to try and pick out any mistakes I may have made. Once I've done that I give it to someone else to read over (usually my sister or my friend Loui, both have a good eye for things that need fixing) because no matter how many times you read over your own work you'll find that you'll almost always miss one or two things (I know I always do XD).

The other thing I had an issue with was dialogue. Firstly, not all of your dialogue was bad. You did enough of it right that I got a feel for each characters personality so that's good but there were many cases where character dialogue was just not very good.
A lot of the time I found the dialogue came across as very static or cliché. One thing you have to remember when writing dialogue, be it for a novel or a script, is that it needs to be livened up a little. When you watch tv or read a book you'll find all the dialogue is rather witty or very characterised and this is because it needs to be. Regular everyday dialogue from people on the streets isn't that interesting and if you mimic it in your work it can come across as rather dull. You scene where this particularly stood out was where Jenny first met Mellie.

JENNY: Oh my god...I’m so sorry I wasn’t watching where I was going. I’m just a total klutz.
MELLIE: No its fine. It happens to us all. Im just a nerd handing out flyers to people to adopt puppies and kittens.
JENNY: I have a dog. Her name is Maggie.
MELLIE: Aw. Well I should get inside and get more flyers...
JENNY: Ya Um...I should go to. If you need any help just call.
MELLIE: Alright. Whats your Name?
JENNY Jenny. Jenny Hart.
MELLIE: I’m Mellie. I’ll see you around.

This scene just came across as really 'bleh' to me and it's all because of the dialogue. For example the dialogue could have been done like this-

JENNY: Oh my god...I’m so sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going. I’m just a total klutz.
MELLIE: No, it's fine. It happens to us all. I'm just a nerd handing out flyers to people to adopt puppies and kittens.
JENNY: Oh! I love dogs. I have a pet dog called Maggie.
MELLIE: Aw, Maggie is such a cute name. (beat) Well, I should really get inside and grab more flyers...
JENNY: (awkwardly) Ya, um...I should really go to. (beat) If you decide you need a hand you can always give me a call.
MELLIE: Really? Because I could always use the extra help. What's your name?
JENNY: Jenny. Jenny Hart.
MELLIE: Well, it was nice 'bumping' into you Jenny. I’m Mellie. I guess I'll see you around then.

Okay, admittedly not one of my best examples but you can see how it helps to liven up the scene a little and get away from the robotic speech. You need to work towards giving each character their own unique voice. Your goal should be to be able to write a line of dialogue and have people be able to identify the character simply by what was said instead of relying on the name above it to know who's saying what. Of course, this would not be possible for every line of dialogue in the script but where possible you should aim to infuse as much of your character as possible into their words.

Alright, I think that's my review finished. Overall I'm going to have to score it a 6.5/10. Although you've done very, very well there is still a lot of room for improvement. I don't doubt that with work you'll be able to get your scripts up to a rating of 8, 9 or even 10 in my mind. You've got the story and the characters, it's just your technique that needs some work. So, good luck with your writing and I can't wait to see what episode two has in store.

[MJ]

So my 8am psych lecture this morning was literally boring me to death I decided to read the latest episode of 'The Path Not taken', 'Temptation'.

Okay, once again a really loved the idea behind this episode. That Jenny comes across another girl heading down the same dark path that she once took turns out to be a very enlightening experience for her and it would have been a fantastic episode if the execution of the idea wasn't so poorly done (sorry!).
Like I mentioned there were wonderful ideas and themes in this but I found myself really cringing through a lot of the script for a number of reasons.
Firstly I'm going to bring up grammar and general writing technique. You could improve your script marginally by finding a proofreader. There are so many grammar mistakes and typos that i'm itching to take out a red pen and go all grammar nazi on it I'm really not trying to be nasty here, I do, surprisingly, have your best interests at heart. Now, I'm not sure if the problem is that you're missing these things when you go over the script or if you simply don't know the difference between words like 'your' and 'you're' or 'were' and 'we're' but it's something that really needs to be addressed.
My other major issue with your script is more of an execution issue. There were a lot of scenes in this episode that I found myself very hard pressed to find believable. I know it is a drama and of course some suspension of disbelief is required when reading/watching any creative work but in this case I had a lot of trouble. Some of the situations I found so forced or cliché that it really took me out of the flow of the episode. I remember at one point you had Henry telling Jenny that she was just trying to distract herself with Holly and then in another scene he's completely changed his tune and is saying that she now needs to help this girl. There were also other times in the script that I thought didn't come across the way I'm sure you intended them too. This includes the scene when Holly wakes up with her boyfriend and he lets her know just how much he loves her. That whole scene sort of screamed 'over the top soap opera' and I'm sure you intended it to be a little more heartfelt than that. Also the scene where Jenny admits to Mellie that she used to be just like Holly. I felt like that came out of nowhere and I just really didn't get much emotion out of it, though I'm sure it was supposed to be a rather emotional scene.
I'm going to have to five this episode a 5.5/10. For me it just really missed the mark and I found it hard to overlook all the technical errors in the script.

On another note: I'm once again going to reiterate that you have some wonderful ideas Brian and so much potential, it's just a matter of time a practice until you can work out these little kinks in your writing. I'm also going to offer my services as a proofreader. I'll be happy to go over your work before it is aired here, on The VPN, and point out any errors and ways I would go about fixing them before you put it out there for the world to see. You don't have to take me up on this offer, it's just a suggestion I'm making, but I'm sure if you took me up on the offer I'll be able to help you a lot with you technique

[Jack Malone]

So I finished reading "Temptation" and I have to agree for the most part with MJ. I hope you take up her offer for assistance, because I did find this episode to be rather "poorly written", unfortunately. But my faith in you, and the potential of the series has not wavered, so I will continue to read this show and see if it improves.

I really have found myself detached from the characters in this episode, Jenny came off as, pardon me for saying this, but a total bitch. Her attitude really makes me dislike her in many scenes throughout the episode, and overall, begin to despise the way she acts and talks to people. This show lacks a lot of emotion, something I would have thought a show about addiction and overcoming it would have a lot of. But the overdramatic, sometimes, like MJ said, cliche, and "forced" moments kill it off.

I really don't see how Mellie and Jenny have become friends so quickly. Mellie says its not out of pity, then the next second, she says something about seeing Jenny be hit, and how it made her feel, and that seeing her get hurt made her want to help her. Which turns back to the "out of pity" vibe.

There are a lot of gramatical and spelling errors, but I don't want to get too involved in that as MJ is doing a good job of pointing them out and helping. What I want to suggest is: try swerving away from "OK" and "Ya" as words, and use them in full. We were talking previously and you said you had them all edited out, which means maybe a proofreader is something you might need to look out for.

Another thing I found to really make me turn away from the episode for a while, was how forced a lot of things are. For example:

She shuts the magazine and looks down at Maggie. She picks
up another magazine and looks at the cover to see Kristen
Stewart and the ugly vampire dude!

And when the exchange of words from Jenny happens about "a human and vampire who are ugly as f*ck", it was so out of the blue that it really damaged the script and made it feel like a chance for you to just throw your feelings in about the Twilight franchise (which I hate too), but being so obvious about your hate in the script, was really distracting. It also, really makes Jenny seem like a complete bitch; which her attitude towards things are really grinding my gears at the moment -- because if it was me, and I was given a second chance like Jenny, I would hang onto it; and yes temptations would resume in everyday life, but her attitude and actions are really hard to relate to, for me at least. Making the main character dislikeable.

I'm really not trying to be mean, but there were a lot of issues in this episode that really threw me off. But again, the storyline was good, and the TEASER set it up nicely, as opposed to last episode's teaser. I think what needs to be improved are the many gramatical, and spelling errors, the forced scenes and dialogue, and I don't know if its just me, but the way Jenny is being written really detaches me from her character, something that I don't know if its happening to anyone else, but I personally, would like to see her become less of a bitch.

Overall, I give this episode a 5/10. I felt the storyline saved it this week. It was very creative, and something really interesting. And through all the issues I had with it, it managed to keep me reading until the very last page.

The next episode looks interesting, I must say. A family secret. Really does happen a lot in drama shows, and I can't wait to see what it will do to Jenny, and how it will affect her life.

[Brian Melanson]

Jul 23, 2010 0:42:40 GMT -6 Jack Malone said:

So I finished reading "Temptation" and I have to agree for the most part with MJ. I hope you take up her offer for assistance, because I did find this episode to be rather "poorly written", unfortunately. But my faith in you, and the potential of the series has not wavered, so I will continue to read this show and see if it improves.

I really have found myself detached from the characters in this episode, Jenny came off as, pardon me for saying this, but a total bitch. Her attitude really makes me dislike her in many scenes throughout the episode, and overall, begin to despise the way she acts and talks to people. This show lacks a lot of emotion, something I would have thought a show about addiction and overcoming it would have a lot of. But the overdramatic, sometimes, like MJ said, cliche, and "forced" moments kill it off.

I really don't see how Mellie and Jenny have become friends so quickly. Mellie says its not out of pity, then the next second, she says something about seeing Jenny be hit, and how it made her feel, and that seeing her get hurt made her want to help her. Which turns back to the "out of pity" vibe.

There are a lot of gramatical and spelling errors, but I don't want to get too involved in that as MJ is doing a good job of pointing them out and helping. What I want to suggest is: try swerving away from "OK" and "Ya" as words, and use them in full. We were talking previously and you said you had them all edited out, which means maybe a proofreader is something you might need to look out for.

Another thing I found to really make me turn away from the episode for a while, was how forced a lot of things are. For example:

She shuts the magazine and looks down at Maggie. She picks
up another magazine and looks at the cover to see Kristen
Stewart and the ugly vampire dude!

And when the exchange of words from Jenny happens about "a human and vampire who are ugly as f*ck", it was so out of the blue that it really damaged the script and made it feel like a chance for you to just throw your feelings in about the Twilight franchise (which I hate too), but being so obvious about your hate in the script, was really distracting. It also, really makes Jenny seem like a complete bitch; which her attitude towards things are really grinding my gears at the moment -- because if it was me, and I was given a second chance like Jenny, I would hang onto it; and yes temptations would resume in everyday life, but her attitude and actions are really hard to relate to, for me at least. Making the main character dislikeable.

I'm really not trying to be mean, but there were a lot of issues in this episode that really threw me off. But again, the storyline was good, and the TEASER set it up nicely, as opposed to last episode's teaser. I think what needs to be improved are the many gramatical, and spelling errors, the forced scenes and dialogue, and I don't know if its just me, but the way Jenny is being written really detaches me from her character, something that I don't know if its happening to anyone else, but I personally, would like to see her become less of a bitch.

Overall, I give this episode a 5/10. I felt the storyline saved it this week. It was very creative, and something really interesting. And through all the issues I had with it, it managed to keep me reading until the very last page.

The next episode looks interesting, I must say. A family secret. Really does happen a lot in drama shows, and I can't wait to see what it will do to Jenny, and how it will affect her life.

Yeah Jack I do agree with both you and MJ. MJ is going to help me edit episodes so she is going to be a huge help for the path and even help improve the series in any way she can. And I understand completely with your guys ratings. This episode not my best lol

[Jack Malone]

^ ^ Well I think storywise, you've got everything down. You know ways of challenging your characters, and making interesting plots to keep them on their toes. Like Jenny meeting someone exactly like her. Its a very good way of having Jenny looking at her problems, through someone else. Very creative! But the dialogue, and the overdramatic, often forced scenes tend to ruin the story. I think if you just work on that, you'll soon be hitting high ratings like 8, 9, and 10's.

Like MJ said, this show has a lot of potential, and I see a good future with The Path Not Taken. Just needs some extra work on your part to be the best that it can be

[Keisha]

I don't think there is anything more I can say. The others pretty much covered it. You have such a great, original show here. It could really be something amazing. It just needs better execution. I'm glad you're taking up MJ on her offer because you have so much potential.

[Jamison]

Yeah, everyone pretty much covered it. This episode was definitely not as strong as your pilot. It lacked some effort. Like the others said, the storylines and ideas are great but that doesn't always make your episode great. It's all about execution, something I didn't see in this episode much. I hope to see some improvement with episode 3 I'm not giving up on this show just yet because it has MASSIVE potential, and you too. With MJ's help, I'm sure this show will make it.

[Brian Melanson]

LOL Yeah I agree with everyone as well! MJ has edited Episode three and I fixed it up! She did an amazing job and Editing it really will help the episodes! She has become the editor of The Path! lol So you guys can see a huge improvement all thanks to MJ!