Thank you Brian and Jason I'm so glad that people are liking the whole concept of it, especially the originality. Unlike doing a spinoff of an already running tv show I have to build a fan base from the ground up which is a little daunting but with positive opinions of it so far i'm feeling very confident. Hopefully you won't have to wait too long for the pilot episode, I'm almost done plotting each episode and from there i'll be moving on to the script writing (which thanks to my planning process won't take too long). Fingers crossed that I'll be able to announce a premiere date some time in the near future
I think you'll be able to build a fan base because you have such a strong concept and are a really talented writer. I don't think you have anything to worry about.
Sorry this is so late. Overall, I've seen a great improvement in your script. The execution is a lot cleaner and your descriptions are more vivid. They bring me right into the story and make for a more enjoyable experience. I think the issue with the first review was that I was expecting something different. Heck, before the script I thought of her as a bad girl. Shows how much I know lol. It only took a little time to get into the story and really start to enjoy the show.
Diminish started out with something as simple as Lana taking two pills for her headaches. Who knew what that would lead to. I found this to be your strongest script written so far. I love the pacing of it. Everything just flowed really well. My favorite scene involves my favorite character Amanda Walker, when she kicks that little biotch Cynthia out of her office and puts her in her place. I just love how that scene played out and it felt like redemption because Cynthia's so irritating. Anyway, I thought you had such a strong story going into this episode. Lana's headache in the beginning that lead to her fainting was greatly executed. Also loved the Quentin/Cynthia situation. You handled all of these characters very well and gave them the right amount of attention. I found myself really getting into it and was glad to see the improvements made. You're getting better with each script. With that said, I give this episode a 9.5/10
I was very excited for this show. I love drama and this show is all about that so you got my attention.
I appreciated the fact that you took the first part of the script to introduce us to Jenny rather than starting off with the death. It gave me a chance to see how low she'd gotten in her life before the accident. I felt like the pacing of events was spot on from the opening scene to the accident. Where the pacing faltered was when Harlen cleans out her things and the next day she's in rehab. That went by too quickly.
There were problems with spelling errors that took me out of the script. Would be a good idea to reread and fix them for people to have a smoother reading.
The concept itself is extremely strong. I love the fact that it's an intimate story about a girl given a second chance. For the pilot, you did a really good job of developing her character and allowing us to sympathize with her. At first I thought her death was going to be a supernatural intervention. GREAT JOB with making it a car accident. Very realistic and more effective.
The area that I believe needs most improvement is the dialogue. There are times where the script took a dive into the melodramatic/soap opera territory. For example, when Jenny gets in a fight with Mellie she shouts "I'm just a girl with problems that are out of control!" and that took me out of the script. It felt too cliche and forced. So I would work on channeling those emotions in a more realistic manner.
I know I touched on unrealistic dialogue but there were other things that concerned me as well. The fact that Jenny is up limping after 1 month is a little alarming but something I can get past.
The scene in which Harlen tries to convince Jenny to go to rehab was one of my biggest concerns. Him cleaning out her cabinets while she was gone was off putting. He came off as controlling and I feel like it would have been better for Jenny to do that herself. He also tells her that she is going to rehab the next day and she agrees. There was no discussion and it wasn't her choice. I think for someone struggling with addiction, she should go on her own accord. If someone is forced, they usually either bail or attend and then bail. If it's about her taking control of her life, I think Jenny needs to make these decisions for herself- not Harlen.
Can't believe this was left out. I hate to reinforce the 'overly dramatic' concept but another element that was off was the crying. Like when she receives the note from her ex boyfriend, I feel like she should have been stunned. There are other ways to make her emotional without sobbing and I think it would really help to explore those options.
Overall I felt like it was a nice effort. You have a strong story and can take it really far. Your strongest area really is your conceptual thinking. You simply need to censor yourself when it comes to melodrama and try for more realism.
HELL YEAH USA!!! Team USA is so fierce, they have prom sashes on their jerseys. What now? I think it's awesome they're expected to lose because every goal is like its own win. USA is a very resilient team.
I enjoyed the finale as separate scenes but together it was too disjointed. It felt rushed and like they shoved everything in at once. The whole Quinn giving birth with everybody at the hospital and then back on stage was like wtf? lol But it had its moments. My favorite was when Quinn was shouting 'you suck' during labor. Also, anything Sue Sylvester did/said in this episode was brilliant.