Read the first episode and I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said. The writing was well done. Each character seems to be uniquely different and you have a character named Lincoln (my recently picked up show, Avery Strange, does as well), so I'll definitely be tuning in for future episodes. I'm excited to see where these characters go and the affects it has on their individual lives as well as how they get along as a group. Job well done.
Hey Guys. Real life can be a b****, but I've finally revised the pilot and I'd love some feedback. This is definitely a project that I want to get off the ground and begin production. Two and a half episodes have been completed out of the 10 episode Season 1.
Sorry it took so long, but I finally checked out the pilot and I’m hooked.
1x01: Stir of Echoes
Okay…the pace was insane. So much was packed into this episode, but it worked. This is obviously a nod to you knowing the direction you want for the series and have a good grasp on the world that you have built here.
Kudos on starting the action right out of the gate and this episode didn’t let up. I started reading the pilot on my lunch break on my phone figuring that I could at least get it started and then finish it when I got home. That didn’t happen. Read the entire episode on my lunch break (and might have gotten back a few minutes late), but it was worth it.
The world and the elements you set up are all so strong…each character playing an integral piece in the Paradise puzzle. Smartly, you’ve given us enough to become invested and understand who each of these characters are, but you’ve left a lot to be discovered.
I really hope that we explore Diamond’s childhood and continue to learn more about Eve’s past. They were the real shining stars. Reign was an intriguing character and I hope we learn more about his relationship with Seth and how he got to where we are at the beginning of the series. The weakest link at this point is Aemilia, though I have hopes that she’ll grow as a character as she becomes more involved in Diamonds world.
Overall, I really enjoyed Stir of Echoes. This show is exactly my cup of tea and I look forward to reading more.
Hey, just wanted to drop by. Still editing the pilot, but also just completed the first draft of episode two. I'm hoping to have the final edits of the pilot completed by Friday, but life does love to get in the way sometimes.
Thank you so much for reviewing. I appreciate it so much. Edits are in progress and I also sent you a PM for clarification on something. Hopefully will have revised pilot up by the end of the weekend. Goal is to also have the first draft of episode two completed by then as well.
Post by guyrjames on Sept 23, 2016 23:24:33 GMT -6
Thanks so much for taking the time to read the pilot. It means a lot.
The buddy-connection between Avery and Fish really come off well, and the high-school drama is certainly added into the mix with some good minor characters around them that shine on the pages and come off strong. The tension within the family is certainly felt - while the mystery/spooky side of Avery's dead brother is shocking, yet gives it a more adult-teen feel to the show.
I'm really glad that Avery and Fish's relationship came off well. Avery and Fish are a blast to write. They have this easy chemistry and their relationship is a big part of the show.
1. Number of V.O. parts. I think is too many, could cut out maybe 95% of those and still make an enjoyable story as a lot is shown in the episode, so don't need him explaining it also.
I appreciate this and will be taking a look at each of the moments. My hope was for them to give an inside look of Avery's thought process and help us get a better feeling of how he's feeling and what's going on in his head.
I think apart from those few things, and some minor work on it - it's definitely one I'd read and I enjoy. Also, like the Opening Credits video made - looks really good, fits the type of show you have perfectly.
Thanks again, STEVIEG, for taking a read. I appreciate all of your feedback and hopefully, if Avery gets picked up you'll like what I have in store.
The first thing I really like in this pilot is the distinct characterisations. All of your main characters are likeable yet unique, and the friendship between Fish and Avery is truly special, with a definite feeling that they have been friends for quite a long time. I commend you for that, as characterisation was incredible.
Thanks so much. This pitch has been through so many incarnations over the years and characterisations were always the issue. I finally felt while writing this pilot that I got the best mix of characters that compliment each other that I possibly could. Avery and Fish's friendship is such an important element in the show and I wanted to make sure that it was highlighted in the episode, so I'm very happy that you felt that.
I loved some of the mysteries being started here, and the idea of a Spirit causing people to commit suicide is very intriguing, and had me on the edge of my seat. There's an air of originality floating around this series that shouldn't exist. The series should feel like it's been done a thousand times, because it has, but it doesn't. Again, I can only compliment you for that.
Wow. This is a huge compliment. Going into Avery I always knew and know that comparisons will be made, but any ounce of freshness and originality makes me giddy.
I'd totally (and respectfully) disagree with the V.O. being too much, as I personally felt they really added to the script. It helps to give it a slightly more fresh and light hearted tone, which were no doubt some of the strongest moments in the episode. In my opinion, keep the voice overs and make them a large part in your series.
I'm so glad that you enjoyed the V.O. I debated back an forth whether to include them, but ultimately they won out. I feel that it adds a needed element to the show.
My real problem comes with the ghost side of this story. I personally feel it wasn't executed incredibly well, and there was no feeling of amazement when we first saw the ghost. Everything on the ghost side felt like a mid-season story, instead of the story introducing Avery to the world of ghosts. I do think that could be worked on.
Also, more insight into Avery's dad's career would have really helped to create more of a divide between the pair, and I can't help but think the dad would own ghost books that Avery could read without having to spend $40 on one.
Overall though, it's worth taking into account this is Draft 1, with a lot of work to be done. This Pilot is solid, and in my opinion should definitely be picked up. Thank you for spending time writing it!
These are all elements that I am looking at in my editing process, so I appreciate you letting me know. I appreciate the vote for pick up. It's been a long time coming but I need to get Avery's story out there and stop procrastinating.
Thanks to all who have been reading. Would love to get some more feedback. I'm currently editing the pilot as well as beginning outlining on episode two. Hope to have a revised pilot sometime next week.