Avery Strange (Revised Pitch) Draft 1 of Pilot Completed

[guyrjames]

Hey guys. This is a project that has been close to my heart for years and I really want to get it off the ground. Pitching tonight to force myself to set a deadline for the pilot completion AND to get some feedback from you guys.

A few months after his brother committed suicide, sixteen-year-old Avery Strong is returning home to Aurora Bay, California. Descending from a long line of paranormal investigators, Avery shunned his family’s heritage because he didn’t believe. Now, when faced with the realization that the supernatural world exists, Avery must choose between the life he had before: popular, athletic, naïve teenage boy OR his new life as an investigator of the strange and peculiar events happening in Aurora Bay. The only problem is…Avery wants both.

CREDITS

CAST

Max Lloyd-Jones as Avery Strong
Avery is our show’s hero. Coming home to Aurora Bay after the suicide of his twin brother, Evan, Avery takes over his brother’s investigation into the things that go bump in the night. Your average teenage boy, Avery is smart, stubborn, and determined to find out what was behind the death of his brother. Add to that a strained relationship with his parents and his obligations to his school, Avery has a lot going against him, but he will not let anything stand in his way.



Jacob Artist as Benjamin “Fish” Fisher
Fish is the Peter Parker to Avery’s Spiderman and he wouldn’t have it any other way. As the son of Aurora Bay High’s principal, he gets a certain amount of “get out of jail free” cards when it comes to getting in trouble. When he’s not mouthing off, he’s usually trying to get the scoop on the happenings in Aurora Bay. Writer for the Aurora Bay High's Weekly Wren, Fish can’t say that the revelation that the supernatural world existing doesn’t peek his journalistic curiosity and his loyalty to Avery may put him right in the line of fire.



Victoria Justice as Jude Monroe
Jude is the new girl in Aurora Bay. Because of her father’s new job as the Sheriff of Sunset County, she had to leave her friends…her support system behind. Jude wants nothing more than to escape this town and her mother’s pressure to do more with her life. But now that some family secrets have come out, she may need her mother more than ever and she might realize that this town might be exactly where she needs to be.



Malese Jow as Nina Cheng
Beautiful and dangerous: two words that fit Nina like a glove. Pushing boundaries is something that Nina knows very well. As the first female member of the boys soccer and baseball teams at Aurora Bay High School, Nina wants to be as normal as she can and to experience as much as she can before familial duties take it all away. Her own connections with the supernatural put her on Avery’s radar and if he plays his cards right, she could be a great ally, but if he plays them wrong, she could be an even greater foe.



Matthew Daddario as Lincoln Wells
Lincoln knows all about self-reliance. After his mother suffered a severe mental breakdown, Lincoln has been tasked with the responsibility to keep his mother’s business afloat. Questions about his father led him to Evan and now, with Evan dead, Lincoln is forced to discover the truth on his own, or worse, ask Avery for help.



Halston Sage as Sloane Gallagher
If you looked up “Queen Bee” in the dictionary, you’d find a picture of Sloane Gallagher and her beautiful, yet maniacal smile printed next to it. Sloane has made it her mission to run the halls of Aurora Bay High with an iron fist. Her short-lived relationship with Avery put her on the map, but she is determined to keep her status by any means necessary. Like most teenagers, she is fueled by insecurities and a desire to be relevant. This desire might just put her in harms way.

SEASON 1
1|01 Pilot
It’s not easy being strange. Just ask the strangest of them all. Avery Strong: sophomore and part-time paranormal investigator. When Avery is faced with the fact that the supernatural world exists, he is dragged into a fight he isn’t prepared for. Still recovering from the suicide of his twin brother, Evan, Avery and his best friend, Fish, pick up where Evan left off and begin their mission to find out just how strange Aurora Bay really is.
1|02 Bad Moon Rising
Avery confronts Lincoln on his break in at Strange Investigations, but his interrogation is cut short when Fish, while attempting to protect Nina, is scratched by a skin-walker. Initially thinking everything is fine, Avery and Fish learn that even a skin-walker’s scratch comes with its own set of problems.
1|03 The Legend of Guillotine McGee
A family tradition brings Avery’s Uncle Nate to town. Despite a strained relationship with Carter, he and Nate attempt to take down the ghost that’s been haunting the town for over a century. When Avery, Fish and other students land in Saturday detention with a piece of the Guillotine McGee exhibit inside, chaos ensues.
1|04 In the Dark
Avery and Jude’s first official date is interrupted when Lincoln’s self-medication brings to light secrets thought long dead that pulls Avery directly into the line of fire. Fish discovers his mother is ready to start dating.
1|05 In His Eyes
1|06 We All Fall Down
1|07 Call of the Wildcat
1|08 Transference
1|09 When You Wish Upon A Jinn
1|10 It Was a Dark and Stormy Night

Notes
This will be an hour-long supernatural drama. The first season will consist of 10 episodes. There will be an main arc that will propel the story forward, but little mini-arcs for the the characters throughout the season.The pilot has been completed through Act Two and should be up for viewing by Monday. Any feedback will be much appreciated.

[Amin]

I was always very fond of this show. Does it reinvent the wheel? No, but it's got some great characters and a fun spin on things with the amateur detective angle that still makes it stand out in a sea of small-town supernatural dramas about teens. Can't wait to see the final version of the pilot!

[The Doctor]

I love the premise of this series. I always have.
However I do have to ask, how long do you plan on having them be in high school? Because I feel like, every time a supernatural series is set in highschool, we stay to long there and it gets to a point where the school life becomes background to the supernatural and we never get them moving on from it. (Im looking at you Teen Wolf and The Vampire Diaries).


But all in all, I cant wait for the pilot

[guyrjames]

Appreciate you guys taking a look. Currently wrapping up Act Three, so right on schedule. Karl, I definitely empathize with your feeling about high school in teen dramas, but that is definitely on my mind as I write and map out the stories for each season. To answer your question, Season One has the kids finishing up their sophomore year of high school, which sets them to graduate Season Three (of a planned Six Seasons), so we will definitely see them moving on and growing up.

[guyrjames]

As promised, DRAFT ONE of the pilot episode has been added to the pitch. Any comments/feedback will be much appreciated.

[R.A. Picking]

The link doesn't work for me.  Maybe it's because I'm at work.

[guyrjames]

Hmm...anyone else having trouble with the link? And along the same lines...what sites (preferably free) do you use to host scripts?

[Alex Matthews]

it worked for me - tried to make me sign up/log in with dropbox but there is a 'just download' option on the bottom of the login/sign-up screen.

As for free sites, I use Weebly.

[R.A. Picking]

I use weebly and then if you want to make your links smaller to advertise I use Bitly.  It must be a work thing they probably are blocking the site.  Ohwell I will try to look at it tonight.

[jadams]

I finally got round to reading Avery Strange. To put it very simply, I quite enjoyed it, although there is still a LOT of work to do. Expect a full review within the next day.

[guyrjames]

Thanks for reading!!! I look forward to your thoughts.

[stevieg]

I remember seeing this around, and always thought it was an interesting concept idea - supernatural teen school crime drama, reminds me a bit of Veronica Mars but with a Supernatural twist to it.

Finished reading the Pilot Episode, and enjoyed it. Has a good structure to the episode I felt, interesting characters you've developed and leaves a lot of questions unanswered to learn more about in future episodes. Liked the little twist of the Sheriff's Ghost actions at the end, nice touch after what we saw him behave like earlier in the story.

The buddy-connection between Avery and Fish really come off well, and the high-school drama is certainly added into the mix with some good minor characters around them that shine on the pages and come off strong. The tension within the family is certainly felt - while the mystery/spooky side of Avery's dead brother is shocking, yet gives it a more adult-teen feel to the show.

I think with some work, a number of edits to the script - this could be a good series, and definitely one people might enjoy reading about and I think a possible pick-up for series if all comes together, albeit up to the Mod team but it has great potential.

The only things I see wrong with it - which can be sorted, is:

1. Number of V.O. parts. I think is too many, could cut out maybe 95% of those and still make an enjoyable story as a lot is shown in the episode, so don't need him explaining it also.

2. SPAG - quite a bit of Spelling and Grammar need fixing, but this can easily be sorted.

3. SCENE SETTINGS - some of them are missing bits, and jump to other rooms without stating where are now - again, easily be rectified.

I think apart from those few things, and some minor work on it - it's definitely one I'd read and I enjoy. Also, like the Opening Credits video made - looks really good, fits the type of show you have perfectly.

[jadams]

So, Avery Strange... This Pilot was, in my opinion, strange as it had some great moments and some beats that I no doubt feel could be improved. I'd first like to point out there were quite a few SPAG issues, but this is all something that could be fixed pretty easily, so I won't dwell on it.

The first thing I really like in this pilot is the distinct characterisations. All of your main characters are likeable yet unique, and the friendship between Fish and Avery is truly special, with a definite feeling that they have been friends for quite a long time. I commend you for that, as characterisation was incredible.

I loved some of the mysteries being started here, and the idea of a Spirit causing people to commit suicide is very intriguing, and had me on the edge of my seat. There's an air of originality floating around this series that shouldn't exist. The series should feel like it's been done a thousand times, because it has, but it doesn't. Again, I can only compliment you for that.

I'd totally (and respectfully) disagree with the V.O. being too much, as I personally felt they really added to the script. It helps to give it a slightly more fresh and light hearted tone, which were no doubt some of the strongest moments in the episode. In my opinion, keep the voice overs and make them a large part in your series.

My real problem comes with the ghost side of this story. I personally feel it wasn't executed incredibly well, and there was no feeling of amazement when we first saw the ghost. Everything on the ghost side felt like a mid-season story, instead of the story introducing Avery to the world of ghosts. I do think that could be worked on.

Also, more insight into Avery's dad's career would have really helped to create more of a divide between the pair, and I can't help but think the dad would own ghost books that Avery could read without having to spend $40 on one.

Overall though, it's worth taking into account this is Draft 1, with a lot of work to be done. This Pilot is solid, and in my opinion should definitely be picked up. Thank you for spending time writing it!

[Brady Brown]

So happy you've pitched this idea again, Guy! I've always loved it, and hopefully I can get around to reading it soon. Everyone's pretty much said the praises I want to give this, so I'll just echo that. Can't wait!

[guyrjames]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read the pilot. It means a lot.

The buddy-connection between Avery and Fish really come off well, and the high-school drama is certainly added into the mix with some good minor characters around them that shine on the pages and come off strong. The tension within the family is certainly felt - while the mystery/spooky side of Avery's dead brother is shocking, yet gives it a more adult-teen feel to the show.

I'm really glad that Avery and Fish's relationship came off well. Avery and Fish are a blast to write. They have this easy chemistry and their relationship is a big part of the show.

1. Number of V.O. parts. I think is too many, could cut out maybe 95% of those and still make an enjoyable story as a lot is shown in the episode, so don't need him explaining it also.

I appreciate this and will be taking a look at each of the moments. My hope was for them to give an inside look of Avery's thought process and help us get a better feeling of how he's feeling and what's going on in his head.

I think apart from those few things, and some minor work on it - it's definitely one I'd read and I enjoy. Also, like the Opening Credits video made - looks really good, fits the type of show you have perfectly.

Thanks again, STEVIEG, for taking a read. I appreciate all of your feedback and hopefully, if Avery gets picked up you'll like what I have in store.

The first thing I really like in this pilot is the distinct characterisations. All of your main characters are likeable yet unique, and the friendship between Fish and Avery is truly special, with a definite feeling that they have been friends for quite a long time. I commend you for that, as characterisation was incredible.

Thanks so much. This pitch has been through so many incarnations over the years and characterisations were always the issue. I finally felt while writing this pilot that I got the best mix of characters that compliment each other that I possibly could. Avery and Fish's friendship is such an important element in the show and I wanted to make sure that it was highlighted in the episode, so I'm very happy that you felt that.

I loved some of the mysteries being started here, and the idea of a Spirit causing people to commit suicide is very intriguing, and had me on the edge of my seat. There's an air of originality floating around this series that shouldn't exist. The series should feel like it's been done a thousand times, because it has, but it doesn't. Again, I can only compliment you for that.

Wow. This is a huge compliment. Going into Avery I always knew and know that comparisons will be made, but any ounce of freshness and originality makes me giddy.

I'd totally (and respectfully) disagree with the V.O. being too much, as I personally felt they really added to the script. It helps to give it a slightly more fresh and light hearted tone, which were no doubt some of the strongest moments in the episode. In my opinion, keep the voice overs and make them a large part in your series.

I'm so glad that you enjoyed the V.O. I debated back an forth whether to include them, but ultimately they won out. I feel that it adds a needed element to the show.

My real problem comes with the ghost side of this story. I personally feel it wasn't executed incredibly well, and there was no feeling of amazement when we first saw the ghost. Everything on the ghost side felt like a mid-season story, instead of the story introducing Avery to the world of ghosts. I do think that could be worked on.

Also, more insight into Avery's dad's career would have really helped to create more of a divide between the pair, and I can't help but think the dad would own ghost books that Avery could read without having to spend $40 on one.

Overall though, it's worth taking into account this is Draft 1, with a lot of work to be done. This Pilot is solid, and in my opinion should definitely be picked up. Thank you for spending time writing it!

These are all elements that I am looking at in my editing process, so I appreciate you letting me know. I appreciate the vote for pick up. It's been a long time coming but I need to get Avery's story out there and stop procrastinating.

Thanks to all who have been reading. Would love to get some more feedback. I'm currently editing the pilot as well as beginning outlining on episode two. Hope to have a revised pilot sometime next week.

[guyrjames]

Update: pilot is almost finished with revisions and work has begun on Episode 2. Again any and all feedback is much appreciated.

[Darrin McCann]

Just wanted to stop by to let you know I'll be giving this a read tonight and hopefully have a review for you. I've been a big fan of this pitch since you introduced it so I look forward to whatever changes you have made.

[guyrjames]

Awesome. Awesome. Can't wait to hear your thoughts. Currently in the middle of Act One of Episode two. Hoping to get the revised pilot up by the end of the weekend.