Danny Phantom (With Pilot)

[peapotmaster]

Title: Danny Phantom
Based on the Nickelodeon animated series by Butch Hartman.

Genre: Supernatural/comedy/action

Rating: PG

Summary: College student, Danny Fenton, is about to discover something his parents haven't told the truth about their secret jobs as ghost hunters. One night, Danny and his friends, Samantha and Tucker, discover Danny's parents secret machine that can open a portal into a ghost world. But when Danny goes inside the machine, it begins to transform him into a half human half ghost hybrid. Now Danny must control his new powers and keep them secret from the rest of the town of Amity Park. But, someone else knows about the Fenton's machine, and will do anything to get it's tech.

I know this is based on a kid's show, but after reading the pitch of Nichole's Power Rangers pitch reboot, I decided to use a popular show fans may know. I made a few changes to the web series:

Danny and his friends are in college, and do some work with Jack and Maddie Fenton on the side.

Vlad Masters/Plasmius is still the villain from the cartoon, and ghost villains like Skullker and Ember work for him. He's going to be the Lex Luthor/Norman Osborn of the series.

Jack Fenton will be not be an idiot like he is in the cartoon, but he''ll be a little clueless a few times.

Jazz Fenton, Danny older sister will be in a few episodes of Season 1.

Look for a guest appearance by Timmy Turner and The Fairly Oddparents in one episode, just to nod the series.

FoP and my DP will be set in the same universe.

CAST

Danny Fenton/Danny Phantom-James Garfield: Danny is smart and brash, as prepares to become the mysterious Danny Phantom. As Danny Phantom, his hair turns white with glowing green eyes, and has the power of flight.

Tucker Foley- Keenan Thompson: Danny's tech loving friend and resident ladies man. Tuck helps Danny in his fight against the invading ghosts with the help of the Fenton thermos.

Sam Manson- Miranda Cosgrove: Daughter of a wealthy family, Sam/Samantha doesn't want to be the perfect girl to her parents, that's why she became a Goth. She also helps Danny fight the supernatural.

Vlad Masters/Vlad Plasmius- Jason Issacs: Vlad was Jack and Maddie's friend, when they worked on the portal to the Ghost World. When the machine went bonkers, it almost killed Vlad. Many years later, Vlad is a millionaire, but secretly a ghost/human hybrid like Danny with his own vendettas.

Jack Fenton-Will Ferrel: Jack is the head of the Fenton Clan and is the owner of Fenton Works. With the help of his wife Maddie, Jack plans to hunt down ghosts than invade our world. Rumors are that Jack was the one who turned Vald into a human/ghost hybrid years ago.

Maddie Fenton-Holly Hunter: Maddie is one half of the ghost hunting team with her husband Jack. Maddie is the true brains of the duo in case jack screws up. Once Vlad was in love with Maddie in high school, until the day that changed his life for ever.

Jazz Fenton- Victoria Justice: Danny's Older sister who knows that Danny and the mysterious ghost teen are the same person. Now, if she can tell that to her parents.


EPISODES:

01x01: Going Ghost Pt. 1: The origin of Danny Phantom begins here, as Danny Fenton's life is changed.


01x02: Going Ghost Pt. 2
01x03: Beware The Skullker
01x04: Box That Box Ghost
01x05: Fairly Odd Crossover
01x06: Ember's My Name
01x07: True Lies Pt. 1
01x08: True Lies Pt. 2
01x09: Endgame Pt. 1
01x10: Endgame Pt. 2 (Series Finale)



I plan to stick with this project till the end, as I would love to stay on one project and this is it. I hope you like this pitch.

[Brady Brown]

Okay, so here are my thoughts on this pitch:
I watched Danny Phantom as a kid, and it seems like you are going to try and do the series justice. Which is great to see, even in a reboot.

Though that is great, I do have some problems with this pitch:
First, you mention involving Danny's parents and Jazz, yet you have no description for them. I've always heard to have descriptions for the characters that are main or even recurring. So that would be nice to see.

Second, I have a problem with your casting. I understand they're in college and all, but Keenan Thompson, not only looks way older than Miranda Cosgrove, but doesn't look like he is in college. Just a little iffy about that.

And lastly, I would have LOVED to see some episode descriptions. Even if it's just the pilot's. Descriptions are always my number one when coming to a pitch.

I say these things, not to discourage you, but to help you. I really think you have potential with this series and I would love to see this on the lineup. I'm glad to see you're sticking to it, and best of luck to you!

[peapotmaster]

Thanks! I'll add bios of the Fenton Family tonight. I love to use the actor who played the Blue Samurai Power Ranger as Tuck, instead of Keenan. As for the ghost villains, they'll be CGI. I will post the descriptions of the first two episodes tonight as well.

[bellatrixlestrange]

I really like the pitch, it sounds original and very well-thought out - but I would call 1x05 - "Fairly Odd Phantom" instead, because you don't want to make it obvious that they're set in the same universe, that could then help when you stem on other ideas. Just a suggestion !

Well done though,

[peapotmaster]

Added Bios of Jack, Maddie and Jazz Fenton. Plus Summary for episode 1

[peapotmaster]

Got started writing the pilot episode, and should be done and posted tomorrow.

[Squirrel Stone]

Insert overly-dramatic gasp here. You want to revamp Danny Phantom? Will you marry me? Haha.

[peapotmaster]

I kind of wanted more of a Spider-Man type series, since DP is a nod to Stan Lee's run on the character. Danny will take on new versions of his classic foes. For example, Skullker will not be a little ghost in metal armor like in the cartoon, but more of a Frankenstein monster meets the Terminator. The Box Ghost will not be a annoying character, but more of a small threat with a comedic tone.

[peapotmaster]

Added Pilot.

Attachments:

[Verbal Vegetable]

I have read a few of your other scripts before, along with some of the reviews that you were given for those scripts. I still find it very hard to read through your pilot because of the format. It's like reading chat dialogue, if that makes any sense. Not only that but the cover page is still connected to the actual script itself, which, I am not sure if anyone here minds that, but to me, it is just something that I feel can be easily fixed and would make your script look even that much better.

I still feel that you should REALLY, REALLY run your script through an editing program before posting your pilot. As it has been said before that your pilot is what you use to really wow people. But if they are fighting through spelling errors and rapid changes in tense, it becomes a battle to read through. I really want you to succeed and do well, so my advice to you is go back, try and reformat your script. Along with editing for grammar and tense changes from past to present. Once then, I think it would be a lot easier to review. Good luck to you!

[peapotmaster]

Thanks, VV. I'll redo the script this week and make it better.

[Brady Brown]

Hey, I was able to read your pilot, and here are my thoughts:

Review: 1x01 "Going Ghost Part 1"

First off, the format of this whole pilot sort of threw me off. As stated above, it looks like chat dialogue. And I agree that you need to make a separate cover page, that isn't connected to the first page of the script.

The main thing I noticed throughout the whole script is the SPAG errors. I know this has been said before, but I really encourage that you run back through your scripts and edited them, or get an editor who can do it for you. Your pilot is something that needs to get our attention in the first couple of pages, or we might struggle through it.

And the dialogue didn't seem natural. I've been told by people that if the dialogue doesn't make sense, don't put it in the script. Try bouncing off dialogue with other people to see if it makes sense. Or try saying it out loud.

So, make some changes, and I think you could have something interesting on your hands. Just remember to run back through it when you finish. And I'll be happy to review it again. Best of luck to you!

[Aimee Nicole]

I read the script as well, and I just want to point out everything that Monica and Brady said counts for me as well. I also wanted to point out that if you're going to write them as college students, please do a little research as to what college life is like. We don't have detention, teachers don't particularly care if you're late and if they do, they don't say anything to you they just knock it off your grade or what have you. There is also less of a popularity contest. Even in a big university with huge sports teams, you can be "big man on campus" but it's not like high school at all.

Also, do some research on the formatting of scripts or read some of other people's to kind of get a grasp of what's expected of you. Try to keep your sluglines as short as possible. Describe the exact location in the body of the script, not the sluglines. Also, transitions -- make them clear or don't use them at all. Don't write them into the body of the script.

Also, the references to Flash Thompson and the Jean Grey School didn't particularly make sense. "Flash Thompson complex" only works if the reader knows who Flash Thompson is -- don't just assume, always describe him anyway. The Jean Grey School reference just didn't make sense at all. I couldn't figure out why you stuck it in there.

Also, pay attention to certain plot points, make sure to eliminate as many plotholes as possible. How did Vlad automatically know what was going on with the portals, etc. Always make sure to erase the plotholes.

Just some things to keep in mind. When you make the changes, like the others, I'll be glad to read it again.

[peapotmaster]

I'm reworking the pilot to make it more of a script.

[peapotmaster]

Added Remaster Pilot. Got it fixed, and made it into a better script.

Attachments:

[Ms. Kerry]

Alright I've read the pilot and I've got to give it to you straight...it needs a lot more work. The dialogue is almost robotic and not believable. I find it helpful to read the stuff out loud to see how it flows and if it is natural. I think you also need to add more description. Television and VS is all about visuals. Half the time I honestly had no idea what stuff looked like or what was going on. You should also find somebody to check your grammar, I'm sure if you asked around there would be somebody willing. Also skipping a week was not the best choice, my opinion is that you should show us him discovering his powers instead of just talking about it.

[peapotmaster]

Okay. After some thought, I'm going to redo the Pilot again with more feeling. Tell me what you think of my Downtown Comics pitch, I was using it as a back-up plan.

[peapotmaster]

Almost finished with the redoing of the pilot, and will be posted this weekend.