Well i for one love Dr. Who and all its spinoffs . But from this it looks good. I liked her character in her episode. And i love how she survived at the end and was all about doing what her father does. But here is the thing....why would she need to have a tardis of her own? I would hope that she is trying to get out of her father's shadow. Also why would she go looking for her father? Another thing.....if she crashed landed on earth....wouldnt Torchwood or Sarah Jane (God bless) have picked that up and dealt with it?
Dont get me wrong i like the pitch. its just some things confuse me
Post by Jack Malone on Sept 13, 2011 2:42:20 GMT -6
I'm very much up to seeing a pilot for this. I'm loving Doctor Who, and that particular episode that introduced his daughter was pretty awesome. I do see the spin off opportunities, so I can't wait to read a pilot for this.
Post by Jack Malone on Nov 28, 2011 1:50:40 GMT -6
I just want to say that I've read about 2/5 of the pilot. Jenny already seems like a great character, and you've got a very interesting, and new writing style. I like your attention to detail in a lot of the action. There were some structure issues I'd have to talk about, but I'll get to that once I finish the script and can leave a full review for the pilot. From what I've read, I really liked, and I'm really excited about the idea of a Doctor Who spin off series on the VPN. xD
Ugh, I've been slack in getting a review to you for this project, Rachel. I still very much believe in it, and carry the same excitement. I'm gonna knuckle down, and get a review done for you hopefully tomorrow, as I have an early day. Sorry for the wait! XD
The pilot does a great job of establishing the relationship between the two main characters, Jenny and Drake. While the Cybermen are the main protagonists of the episode, the more interesting element surrounds the mystery behind Drake, his origins, and the question of where he stands: is he good or evil?
While I can not fault the pilot on the plot, or its characters, there are some technical aspects that I need to bring up. For one, I want to give you props for your great range and understanding of camera techniques and angles, and establishing which one is used for which shot really helps to create the image you want us to see. I highly suggest, however, that you break these shots up, so its more easily understood and read. I've always been taught that paragraphs in a script should not be any longer than 5 lines, and even then, sticking to around 3 always makes the read a lot easier.
It is clear to me that you are a great writer with very specific images that you are able to create well with a large vocabulary, however, quite a handful of times throughout the script I found the areas of 'action' too specific, and the huge attention to detail became distracting in many parts. I find that the 'action' should help guide the story, and move things forward, and so focussing on little things like the movement of eyebrows, or the sticking out of tongues seems irrelevant, especially when you have Cybermen walking around trying to delete people.
Those are my main issues with the script.
You introduced your characters perfectly, and the journey we're on in this pilot to uncover who Drake is was full of quite a few twists that kept me guessing. While there was setup to portray Drake as an evil character, or with bad intentions, I couldn't really believe that until the scene where he latches onto Jenny's hand with great force -- you managed to turn my disbelief into a sudden shock, which was great! I was genuinely beginning to think that Drake may not be as good as I imagined he would, but of course, that all changed towards the end of the episode.
As for Jenny, I feel she was sort of pushed to the side, which sounds weird. In some areas, I felt as though you may be trying too hard to capture the Doctor's voice, rather than hers, but I haven't seen "The Doctor's Daughter" in a while, so I don't really remember if she shares similar mannerisms to him. Of course, if she was purposefully trying to sound like her father, then I could understand that. That said, the references with "Smith", "Jones," "Donna", and "Tyler" (Rose) were really refreshing, and its a great catch for Doctor Who fans -- that said, this show does feel like its own, which is fantastic. Its a little darker, in some regards, which I really, really enjoyed.
The pilot ended on a sense of adventure, which is great, considering what this show is about. As I've said, while the Cyberman were a huge part of this episode, and an obstacle to overcome, the more memorable aspect of this pilot was the beginning of the Jenny/Drake relationship that I'm assuming we'll be looking at over the course of the whole season.
"Cybernetic Checkup" had a great plot, introduced its characters well, and established an intriguing relationship between Drake/Jenny. Those technical aspects of the script brought it down for me a little, as I was quite distracted during a lot of the 'action', and overly specific attention-to-detail pulled away from what was important. I think thats something that should be looked at, and I'd like to see revisions made based on that -- but, we'll see what others think about it first. Other than that, I loved it! 8/10.
Post by Jack Malone on Apr 29, 2012 1:33:05 GMT -6
Rachel, I'm still very much behind this project. I think you should search around the forum and find people looking to review the pilot for you, and get some more opinions on it other than mine. Hope you don't give up on the show. And I would be happy to read a second episode of the series if you're willing to post that up too, once you've finished. xD
Post by Brady Brown on Apr 30, 2012 15:22:10 GMT -6
Hey, Rachel! I was able to find some free time, so I was able to read through your pilot! Here are my thoughts:
Review 1x01 "Cybernetic Check-Up"
First, I want to start off by saying that this was extremely well detailed. Your gift for that attention to detail, is something I have to give you props for. I could picture everything perfectly, and I really enjoyed that.
Although it was handled well, I thought it got a tad bit clunky at points. I do understand that you want to make this as perfect as you can -- heck we all do -- but I would try slimming down the descriptions, but that's just my taste.
Now, onto the things I loved!
I really enjoy your characters! They were established somewhat perfectly, and they had their own distinct voice, which is always great. I really enjoy Drake. I picked up on a mystery element from him, and it kept me interesting. Jenny was good, too. She's a really cool character, to me. But, as Jack said, I felt this pilot was a little more about Drake than Jenny.
This show is so full of adventure, and I love it! I really enjoyed the Cyberman. I thought he was a great antagonist, with amazing protagonist to battle with. Jenny and the Cyberman was a highlight for me.
Overall, I think you've got something really good here! I really love the characters, the plot, and the concept! I'm going to give it a 9/10. I really enjoyed it, but the overly-long action at some points brought it down for me. I hope all goes well for you, Rachel, and I'm totally rooting for it!
CREATOR Reality l The Super Teens l Audition
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I'm still finding it really interesting that people are seeing the pilot as more about Drake than Jenny, but I think that's because we know Jenny. Where know where she's from and we know what she can do and all that, but Drake is a stranger to us and he needs to be introduced to Jenny as well as to the audience. Plus, he's a pretty critical part of the series, and if he wasn't there would be no point in him being there at all. That said, the series is called "The Lady of Time" not "The Mysterious Drake", and I think the episodes I've written so far do feature more Jenny than Drake, but that isn't to say we start ignoring him after the pilot.
Also, the pilot for Doctor Who (2005) was called "Rose" and centered a great deal on introducing that character, the world she lived in, and the people in that world. So, its not a bad thing that Drake has a lot of focus on in this pilot. I think its expected that we'll learn more and see more of Jenny as the season progresses, in a similar way to how we learnt more and more about the Doctor as his first season progressed. XD