Dropouts (With Pilot)

[Jay Paterson]

PREMISE

During his wild spring break, college sophomore, Dylan Maxwell (Joe Dinicol) leaves the Dean an outrageous voicemail, which results in his scholarship being revoked. Now Dylan has to move back in with his kooky and overly protective parents (Kathy Najimy & Jason Alexander), in his hometown of, Lexington, Idaho. There he reconnects with old friends, Riff (Jeremy Allen White) and Leila (Inbar Lavi) as well as make new ones along the way, all while trying to figure out what his next step is as a college dropout.

Dropouts, is a Drama/Comedy web-series about the mistakes we make, the friendships we gain and the journey we take to make it in life.



CHARACTERS


Dylan Maxwell (portrayed by Joe Dinicol)
Dylan has always been a straight A student, longing to leave his dead end of a town. Unlike most people from his small town, Dylan was fortunate enough get out, earning a scholarship to Columbia University. But that all changed during a wild spring break in Miami, now Dylan has to start from square one and try and figure out how he will make it in the world as a college dropout.



Riff Carter (portrayed by Jeremy White)
Riff is Dylan’s oldest and closest friend, however, they are complete opposites. Riff believes in learning from living rather than through books, which lead to him dropping out of school at a young age. He spends his free time smoking pot and drinking, all while trying to figure out his next big adventure. Riff works at a local sandwich shop as a chef and now with Dylan back in town he too begins to wonder where his life is heading and if he too needs a shift in direction.



Leila Vargas (portrayed by Inbar Lavi)
Leila Vargas grew up next door to Dylan, who back then had the biggest crush on her. Unlike Dylan, she was one of the popular kids, until just before her senior year of high school she dropped out was never seen again. No one knew why she left Lexington but its 4 years later and she’s back and living in her childhood home. Leila’s life has changed drastically as she’s gave up the limelight for Sammy’s Sub’s where she works alongside Riff, as a waitress.



Courtney Swanson (portrayed by Amber Stevens)
A free spirit, Courtney has always wanted to break away from her overbearing parents. So when the opportunity to move to Lexington with her old friend Leila comes along she jumps at the chance. There she embarks on a new journey, embracing her new small town life. But with big dreams and lifelong aspirations, is all of this really enough for her? And with a new boy in the picture, can she give it all up for love.


RE-OCCURRING CHARACTERS



Patty & Ronald Maxwell (portrayed by Kathy Najimy & Jason Alexander)
Patty loves having her son back home but on the other hand Ronald is too keen on his new loss of privacy. These kooky and over sharing parents need to find a balance of support and tough love in order for their son to progress into the world on his own. Being so used to have “their own time” the struggles soon begin to show with having their grown son back in the house.



Samuel "Sammy" Lewis (portrayed by Glynn Turman)
Riff and Leila’s boss, Samuel is the proud owner of Lexington’s most famous sandwich shop, ‘Sammy’s Subs.’ Being in his 60’s hasn’t stopped him from being the party animal that he is. Single and most definitely ready to mingle, Sammy is a renowned ladies man. He lives by the moto no regrets. But behind the surface there is one that plays on his mind, not having any children.



Bobby Klein (portrayed by David Walton)
An ex of Leila’s and character from Dylan’s past. Leila was the girl that single handily ruined his life but at the same time made it so much better. His heart not fully healed from the past, causes him to take an instant disliking to Dylan who has befriended his ex-girlfriend. The anger issues that wrecked every last one of his relationships soon begin to surface. And with old wounds reopening Bobby does everything to grip on to what he has left.




EPISODES

1x01 | F My Life. (LINK)
Its Spring Break and straight-laced, Dylan and old friend Riff decided to hit the strip of Miami Beach. Sun, sea, girls and alcohol await these bright eyed youngsters. But when one prank and drunk dial ends a booze fuelled weekend, Dylan is left in a bit of a predicament and his scholarship at his dream college is now in jeopardy. Don Cheadle guest stars.

1x02 | X's and O's
1x03 | Blind Date
1x04 | Out of my League 
1x05 | Way Back When
1x06 | A Different Path

[Jamison]

This was such a nice surprise when I woke up this morning. There's nothing better than reading a new pitch with the pilot already attached! It's even better when the pilot is good, which this just so happens to be.

First, I'll start off by saying I really like the idea. We've seen a lot of teen/young adult dramas set in the academic world here, but few have done what you have, and taken us outside of that setting, and into the real world. So, that's a nice, refreshing angle already. Your characters seem pretty well rounded so far, just from the pilot. We still need to meet a few of them, but I've already taking a liking to those we have been introduced to.

Onto the pilot -- I really enjoyed it. What I think I liked the most was that it felt like a full story. With 13 pages, you gave me a clear beginning, middle and end, and it actually felt that I'd read a full length episode. You explored more than one character, more than one relationship and successfully set up the grander story you're hoping to tell. That's tough to do in a pilot, let alone a webisode pilot, but it worked here.

The pilot goes out of the present day and into the past quite often, and I think that storytelling technique worked well. The flashbacks were an interesting and affective way of not only telling us what happened in Miami, but showing us. In terms of characterization, I think you're most successful with Dylan and Riff, though they're the two characters we see the most of, so that's a no-brainer. The dialogue you wrote of them both being drunk was very realistic. HAHA! It made me chuckle. 

A few things stood out to me that might need some reworking. One of them being the actual reason for why Dylan got expelled. It seemed a little petty to me. Like, the things he said weren't so bad to warrant that punishment. And can Dean's strip academic scholarships away all willy-nilly like that? I'm not even sure.  The only reason I could think of for that to happen is if the scholarship had been given to the student by the Dean himself, and he could possibly revoke it at any time. Or, of course, if the student's grades started to slip, but that's not the case for Dylan. But I'll do more research and come back with what I find. 

Also, like I said before - the pilot has momentum and you were able to get a lot done in such a short period of time. And while I think that's a good thing, the downside is that you might be giving us so much, so soon, that the pacing gets a little shaky. The moment Dylan gets back to his home town, the script starts moving incredibly fast; Almost too fast. Possibly bridging the gap between Dylan at the Dean's office and him at the bus station would help a tad. A short snippet of Dylan on the bus maybe, to make the transition less abrupt.

The ending seemed a little tacked on. I'm thinking it actually could have been saved for episode two. Finding a job is tough, and while you showed that with him searching through the paper and getting turned down left and right, I would have liked to see an entire episode dedicated to that; and ending on him getting lucky when that employee is caught masturbating in the toilet (which is just great), and getting that job at the diner. That could have just as easily been the end of episode two, and we'd be given more time to explore Dylan's relationship with his parents, and possibly his relationship with Leila. Ending the pilot with Dylan at home, in his bed, thinking about his future, with a little voiceover of his thoughts could work, and help round the story out, give it a more natural conclusion.

I realize, in terms of story, ending on the note of him getting that new job; sort of being the thing that propels the story forward to episode two and beyond is something you'd typically do, but with webisodes, you usually need two episodes to set everything up. And that is a-okay. 

And lastly, there were some SPAG issues throughout the script, but mostly near the last few pages. A lot of sentences ending without periods; a few missing commas, but a good edit should clear all of that up, no problem. 

Overall, I really dug this! You've got a nice idea, a good group of characters and I'm really looking forward to seeing where this goes. Solid job, Jay! Rooting for this one Oh, and this review wasn't supposed to be this long. I apologize!

[Brian Melanson]

Alright! This is my first formal review in a very long time!

SO LETS GET TO IT! 

Jay, my friend, you really have a great story here. Reading the pilot I found myself laughing out loud, my favorite part had to be when Dylan came home and his parents had the "Sorry you lost your Scholarship:". The Script read very well, jumping in between the past and present really worked out for you. You can really see the friendship between Riff and Dylan, it's nice to see that you can see they've been friends for a while, but at the same time, introduce us to the friendship. Reading the Party Scenes were really funny, seeing someone drunk is always fun, just because of the how they act and stuff. 

I do agree with Chris, there are some improvements to be made. I liked that Dylan gets expelled from College, but how it happened did seem a bit weird. I think it would be more a slap on the wrist and then go back to normal. Maybe do something more extreme? Viral Video? (Original right? lol) I did like the small scene with the Dean having dinner with the family, getting the message and I could not stop laughing cause that's all I imagined. And with the ending, that doesn't seem for me to fit in the episode and could be one episode all on it's own. I think with a Webseries like this, you can have a single episode idea like EXAMPLE: Dylan comes home after his drunken mishaps, reconnects with his home town. That would be your pilot, and then your second episode could be him getting a job.

But overall, I did enjoy this. This show could really go places and I can really see it here on theVPN. There are some SPAG errors, but that always happens in a first draft and I'm not one to talk, all my first drafts just look like they are a mess. But it is a first draft, and I will read the second draft when it's posted, but I am already in love with the series. Just small improvements and this show will go a long way. I really hope it gets picked up and added to our long Comedy/Drama roster. Great job, Jay! It's so nice to see a pitch with the pilot already. I am rooting for this to get picked up! Best of lucK! 

[Brady Brown]

I have to agree with a lot of what Chris said. I really like this idea, and feel like it has some amazing to potential to be hilarious, while still dealing with some dramatic and emotional topics, since this is still very much a young adult we're focusing on. My favorite part of the episode was probably the flashbacks to Miami. Some of them were quite funny, and I liked how it showed us more of the relationship between Dylan and Riff.

I also enjoyed the scene with the dean. In fact, I wish that was extended a little bit. I feel like a more formal meeting between the two could have really enhanced the episode, as I felt there were some pacing issues towards the conclusion. I think a scene between Dylan after he was expelled would have been nice. It would help bridge the gap between the office and the bus stop, because I do feel that the ending was very rushed and somewhat of an add on. Maybe if the dean scene was extended, and there was scene between Dylan and Riff, and then Dylan on the bus that might have made for a more cohesive episode. Obviously, it's up to you how you arrange the episode, I just thought I'd give some suggestions

But yeah, I really liked this. Dylan is a pretty fun protagonist, and his relationship with Riff was really nice. I think the hometown scenes could have been saved for the second episode, and the expulsion could have been a lot stronger, but other than that I could totally get into this series, Jay

[Jay Paterson]

May 29, 2015 11:36:07 GMT -6 Jamison said:

This was such a nice surprise when I woke up this morning. There's nothing better than reading a new pitch with the pilot already attached! It's even better when the pilot is good, which this just so happens to be.

First, I'll start off by saying I really like the idea. We've seen a lot of teen/young adult dramas set in the academic world here, but few have done what you have, and taken us outside of that setting, and into the real world. So, that's a nice, refreshing angle already. Your characters seem pretty well rounded so far, just from the pilot. We still need to meet a few of them, but I've already taking a liking to those we have been introduced to.

Onto the pilot -- I really enjoyed it. What I think I liked the most was that it felt like a full story. With 13 pages, you gave me a clear beginning, middle and end, and it actually felt that I'd read a full length episode. You explored more than one character, more than one relationship and successfully set up the grander story you're hoping to tell. That's tough to do in a pilot, let alone a webisode pilot, but it worked here.

First off, thank you for taking the time to read and review, it means a lot. I didn’t think I’d be this nervous to sit down and read a review of my work but its pretty terrifying put your work out there for criticism. Lol. Okay, on to your review-

Yeah, I didn’t want to post yet another pitch with out at least having a first draft complete and ready for people to read. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

I think the idea stemmed from me wanting to write for characters around my own age, but not have them in a school environment, which is how my old pitch, Spring Break came about. When creating that, I came up with the character of, Dylan, and it sort of took off from there. Dealing with high school /college dropouts, I felt could be fun as well as add drama through their struggles in life. I’m glad you like the characters so far; they are pretty fun to write for.

Onto the pilot -- I really enjoyed it. What I think I liked the most was that it felt like a full story. With 13 pages, you gave me a clear beginning, middle and end, and it actually felt that I'd read a full length episode. You explored more than one character, more than one relationship and successfully set up the grander story you're hoping to tell. That's tough to do in a pilot, let alone a webisode pilot, but it worked here.

The pilot goes out of the present day and into the past quite often, and I think that storytelling technique worked well. The flashbacks were an interesting and affective way of not only telling us what happened in Miami, but showing us. In terms of characterization, I think you're most successful with Dylan and Riff, though they're the two characters we see the most of, so that's a no-brainer. The dialogue you wrote of them both being drunk was very realistic. HAHA! It made me chuckle. 

I think this is the first time I ever went into writing a script knowing exactly what I wanted to happen. Which I why I think I got through it so quickly. My only worry would be pacing, I think I tried to cram a lot into 13 pages to bring us into the bigger story, which is hard to do with so little pages. But, I’m glad you thought it worked for the most part.

Yeah, the drunken scenes are probably realistic through experience. Lol. But yeah, that’s a story I wanted to dive into right off the bat, not only does it show the friendship between Dylan and Riff it shows the crazy situations they get them selves into. I like to think of Riff as a bit of an instigator. Lol. He’s really does get them into some sticky situations and I wanted that to show what to expect in the future. I’m glad you found it funny; comedy isn’t usually my strong suit as well.

A few things stood out to me that might need some reworking. One of them being the actual reason for why Dylan got expelled. It seemed a little petty to me. Like, the things he said weren't so bad to warrant that punishment. And can Dean's strip academic scholarships away all willy-nilly like that? I'm not even sure. The only reason I could think of for that to happen is if the scholarship had been given to the student by the Dean himself, and he could possibly revoke it at any time. Or, of course, if the student's grades started to slip, but that's not the case for Dylan. But I'll do more research and come back with what I find.

Also, like I said before - the pilot has momentum and you were able to get a lot done in such a short period of time. And while I think that's a good thing, the downside is that you might be giving us so much, so soon, that the pacing gets a little shaky. The moment Dylan gets back to his home town, the script starts moving incredibly fast; Almost too fast. Possibly bridging the gap between Dylan at the Dean's office and him at the bus station would help a tad. A short snippet of Dylan on the bus maybe, to make the transition less abrupt.

I 100% agree with you on that. The reasoning behind the expulsion is something I struggled with. I wanted it to be outrageous, but organic to Dylan’s character, so trying to come up with something is hard. I’ll have to brain storm some ideas. Originally it was a strongly worded email he writes, telling the Dean what he really thinks of him, which he ends up sending to the faculty. But I thought it might be better to hear a drunken phone call. Its definitely a petty reason to expel someone, but from the Deans point of view, I think it comes down to pride, he is this high authority figure who was embarrassed by a sophomore.

Yeah, I did think that myself. Maybe adding a scene in the bus or something can help for a better flow between those scenes.

The ending seemed a little tacked on. I'm thinking it actually could have been saved for episode two. Finding a job is tough, and while you showed that with him searching through the paper and getting turned down left and right, I would have liked to see an entire episode dedicated to that; and ending on him getting lucky when that employee is caught masturbating in the toilet (which is just great), and getting that job at the diner. That could have just as easily been the end of episode two, and we'd be given more time to explore Dylan's relationship with his parents, and possibly his relationship with Leila. Ending the pilot with Dylan at home, in his bed, thinking about his future, with a little voiceover of his thoughts could work, and help round the story out, give it a more natural conclusion.

I realize, in terms of story, ending on the note of him getting that new job; sort of being the thing that propels the story forward to episode two and beyond is something you'd typically do, but with webisodes, you usually need two episodes to set everything up. And that is a-okay. 

Having that end scene with Dylan getting the job was something I felt was needed in the pilot, but if your saying its okay to spread it over two episode because it’s a web-series, its definitely something I want to do. I originally had the idea of Dylan going to terrible job interviews, but with the webisode structure it was impossible to add that in.

HAHA. The masturbating employee, totally gross but funny.

And lastly, there were some SPAG issues throughout the script, but mostly near the last few pages. A lot of sentences ending without periods; a few missing commas, but a good edit should clear all of that up, no problem.

Overall, I really dug this! You've got a nice idea, a good group of characters and I'm really looking forward to seeing where this goes. Solid job, Jay! Rooting for this one Oh, and this review wasn't supposed to be this long. I apologize!

Yeah, I was up pretty late last night trying to finish this so there probably a lot of SPAG issues. I’ll fix that.

WOO! I’m happy you liked it. I wasn’t sure how it would be perceived, so reading that you enjoyed a lot of it makes me happy. Thanks again for the review, Chris, I’ll try and fire out a second draft asap.

[Jay Paterson]

Thanks for taking the time to read and review the pilot, Brian.

May 29, 2015 12:22:48 GMT -6 Brian Melanson said:

Alright! This is my first formal review in a very long time!

SO LETS GET TO IT! 

Jay, my friend, you really have a great story here. Reading the pilot I found myself laughing out loud, my favorite part had to be when Dylan came home and his parents had the "Sorry you lost your Scholarship:". The Script read very well, jumping in between the past and present really worked out for you. You can really see the friendship between Riff and Dylan, it's nice to see that you can see they've been friends for a while, but at the same time, introduce us to the friendship. Reading the Party Scenes were really funny, seeing someone drunk is always fun, just because of the how they act and stuff. 

Thanks man. HAHA. I'm happy it got some laughs, I usually don't do to well with comedy. I just love, Patty and Ronald they are real fun to write for.  I'm glad their friendship came out that was I wasn't sure how it would come across. The two are pretty opposite, Dylan, is smart and has (well had) it al figured out, he tried his best at every he does, where as, Riff, is pretty laid back, smoke pot and loves a good party. But I think they gel well together, they're not your typical best friends, but theres definitely a story in there about how the came to be. HAHA. Drunk people are a lot of fun, I really wanted to show those scenes in there, because I always remember when watching The Hangover, thinking, "I really just want to see the night out." Lol.

I do agree with Chris, there are some improvements to be made. I liked that Dylan gets expelled from College, but how it happened did seem a bit weird. I think it would be more a slap on the wrist and then go back to normal. Maybe do something more extreme? Viral Video? (Original right? lol) I did like the small scene with the Dean having dinner with the family, getting the message and I could not stop laughing cause that's all I imagined. And with the ending, that doesn't seem for me to fit in the episode and could be one episode all on it's own. I think with a Webseries like this, you can have a single episode idea like EXAMPLE: Dylan comes home after his drunken mishaps, reconnects with his home town. That would be your pilot, and then your second episode could be him getting a job.

Yeah, I agree also, thats something I need to sit and think about. I do want it to be something more extreme, so i'll have to put my thinking cap on. HAHA. That little clip was just randomly put in there last minute, I thought it would be fun to see what he was doing when he got the message. So happy you liked that. I think holding that ending off until the next episode would work, I think I was trying to fit a full pilot in a webisode structure which doesn't really work. But now I know theres a bit more simplicity to a webisode, so now I can got back and trim the fat. Lol.

But overall, I did enjoy this. This show could really go places and I can really see it here on theVPN. There are some SPAG errors, but that always happens in a first draft and I'm not one to talk, all my first drafts just look like they are a mess. But it is a first draft, and I will read the second draft when it's posted, but I am already in love with the series. Just small improvements and this show will go a long way. I really hope it gets picked up and added to our long Comedy/Drama roster. Great job, Jay! It's so nice to see a pitch with the pilot already. I am rooting for this to get picked up! Best of lucK!

YAY! I'm stoked that people are enjoying this. Thanks again, Brian, I'm so happy you liked it. I will be sure to fixed the pilot and have a second draft for you to read soon.

[Jay Paterson]

May 29, 2015 12:30:17 GMT -6 Brady Brown said:

I have to agree with a lot of what Chris said. I really like this idea, and feel like it has some amazing to potential to be hilarious, while still dealing with some dramatic and emotional topics, since this is still very much a young adult we're focusing on. My favorite part of the episode was probably the flashbacks to Miami. Some of them were quite funny, and I liked how it showed us more of the relationship between Dylan and Riff.

3 reviews already?! This is awesome! 

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts, Brady. I'm happy you see potential in this show. I feel i'd be better with the drama side more than the comedy as i'm not all that confident in comedy. But hopefully getting the know the characters more myself it will come out more naturally. I felt like the the bits people found funny so far weren't me trying to find something fun to throw it, it kind of just came naturally to the characters.

I also enjoyed the scene with the dean. In fact, I wish that was extended a little bit. I feel like a more formal meeting between the two could have really enhanced the episode, as I felt there were some pacing issues towards the conclusion. I think a scene between Dylan after he was expelled would have been nice. It would help bridge the gap between the office and the bus stop, because I do feel that the ending was very rushed and somewhat of an add on. Maybe if the dean scene was extended, and there was scene between Dylan and Riff, and then Dylan on the bus that might have made for a more cohesive episode. Obviously, it's up to you how you arrange the episode, I just thought I'd give some suggestions

You did? I wasn't really going to go into the conversation between the Dean and Dylan, just because I thought it might be a bit of a downer and take away the funnier side to the story. Yeah I think from what you guys have said, that cut was a bit abrupt. I think i'll add a scene between the two to give it a better flow. I definitely think I've tried to condense a half hour episode into a webisode structure. So, I think by adding in a few scenes to bridge the gaps and cut off the ending I'll be able to produce a better paced episode. Thanks for the suggestion I do like hearing how other people would approach things, it helps a lot. 

But yeah, I really liked this. Dylan is a pretty fun protagonist, and his relationship with Riff was really nice. I think the hometown scenes could have been saved for the second episode, and the expulsion could have been a lot stronger, but other than that I could totally get into this series, Jay

I'm pretty delighted with the feedback you guys have gave me. I wasn't sure if people would think it sucked. Lol. But i'm pleased that you like it. Dylan and Riff relationship is something I'm going to enjoy exploring myself, so i'm happy people like their story so far. I'm glad to hear it, Brady. Thanks again for the review, I can't wait to get cracking on with the edits and begin writing episode 2.

[Jack Malone]

"F My Life" Review

Everyone has given such good reviews, but I'm going to contribute anyway because I saw the pitch and was really interested in reading the script (and here we are).  I'm not sure what I can add to the other three reviews, so I'll just say what I thought  

Firstly, I really enjoyed the introduction to the main character in the VO form.  It did a really good job of drawing the audience in and giving us this perception of the character before we get into his story -- something I really appreciate especially within a webisode format.  In speaking of the main character, he is such a great protagonist for the show and you've managed to make him so relatable and so easy to connect with in such a short amount of time.  Throughout the episode, we saw little pieces of his life from the girl next door crush, the comic books and movie posters, the hard working-yet-not-working-out-for-him nerd, and it all just made you really feel for the guy when he gets dealt this bad hand, and makes this one terrible drunken mistake that kind of unravels his entire world.  Then again, it feels like it's probably best for him because he did seem quite trapped at college, and so seeing where this journey takes him...  I mean, you've already got me excited for future episodes purely based on how well you just sold your main character.  That's huge props to you, man! 

I do disagree slightly with other criticisms in that I felt the flashback sequence dragged on when it could have just been that phone conversation, and all those other elements could have gone hand in hand with the other shots of the party leading into him waking up.  I felt a lot of the scenes were sort of showing us what the party was like as opposed to going from "Oh no what have I done" to seeing what he had done.  So, I'd personally put those scenes before he wakes up, and then do the phone call flashback scene.  It cuts straight to the comedy gold with the Dean and his family, and I think would flow much better.  

The other thing I disagreed with was that I actually enjoyed the ending.  I think I've seen it a lot in TV Shows recently -- most notably The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt -- where characters just stumble across jobs and you're like "DUDE HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?!"  But what I like about Dylan grabbing a job so quickly in this is that you aren't afraid to sort of joke at that troupe by including the line "well, that was easy."  Plus, I think it's essential in concluding the pilot because it launches us straight into what the show is about, and gives us an idea of what future episodes will involve, you know?  So I appreciated it.  I would say if anything does have to get cut down, leave that scene in because it really does cap off the episode, in my opinion, and had me really begging for the second episode.  

Lastly, everyone's introductions were set-up rather well and I think you do extremely well in solidifying your core characters, and establishing their role within Dylan's universe.  I really just wanted to come in here and say that you did a superb job with your central character, and the supporting characters each got given their own little distinct qualities that have me interested to watch their development too.  There were SPAG errors, as some have pointed out, but I'm assuming this is just a first draft anyway and you can always go and edit them during the pitching process (which is great).  So, yeah.  I'm excited for this project, I'm really wanting a second episode, and I'm backing your corner, man. 

[Jay Paterson]

May 29, 2015 18:57:21 GMT -6 Jack Malone said:

"F My Life" Review

Everyone has given such good reviews, but I'm going to contribute anyway because I saw the pitch and was really interested in reading the script (and here we are).  I'm not sure what I can add to the other three reviews, so I'll just say what I thought  

Firstly, I really enjoyed the introduction to the main character in the VO form.  It did a really good job of drawing the audience in and giving us this perception of the character before we get into his story -- something I really appreciate especially within a webisode format.  In speaking of the main character, he is such a great protagonist for the show and you've managed to make him so relatable and so easy to connect with in such a short amount of time.  Throughout the episode, we saw little pieces of his life from the girl next door crush, the comic books and movie posters, the hard working-yet-not-working-out-for-him nerd, and it all just made you really feel for the guy when he gets dealt this bad hand, and makes this one terrible drunken mistake that kind of unravels his entire world.  Then again, it feels like it's probably best for him because he did seem quite trapped at college, and so seeing where this journey takes him...  I mean, you've already got me excited for future episodes purely based on how well you just sold your main character.  That's huge props to you, man! 

I didn't expect this many reviews in the one day. What a great feeling. Thanks for taking the time to read and review, Jack. 

I'm really happy you find, Dylan relatable. It was pretty important for me to make him come across that way so i'm glad you feel like it did the job. I think throwing Dylan back into his hometown and being with these old friends will really impact his character in terms of where he he was heading in life to where he wants to go in life. Throughout the first sequence theres a lot of self discovery for, Dylan, he spent so much time trying to do everything right and it didn't turn out the way he hoped. Now he's trying to figure himself out, and you may be right it was probably a blessing in disguise, so when it comes to character development theres a lot I can do with him. 

I couldn't have asked for a better reaction towards my main, so thanks for that.

I do disagree slightly with other criticisms in that I felt the flashback sequence dragged on when it could have just been that phone conversation, and all those other elements could have gone hand in hand with the other shots of the party leading into him waking up. I felt a lot of the scenes were sort of showing us what the party was like as opposed to going from "Oh no what have I done" to seeing what he had done. So, I'd personally put those scenes before he wakes up, and then do the phone call flashback scene. It cuts straight to the comedy gold with the Dean and his family, and I think would flow much better. 

I'm currently editing the script as we speak and I think your right so I've moved it. Initially the scene wen't from Dylan not having a clue what happened, then it flashed to a quick few party scenes then, Riff came right out and told him. "Dude, you quit college." But then I wrote the phone call scene and put it in after that. But looking at it now, I completely agree that it would flow a lot better as a montage continuing on from the beach scene. 

The other thing I disagreed with was that I actually enjoyed the ending. I think I've seen it a lot in TV Shows recently -- most notably The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt -- where characters just stumble across jobs and you're like "DUDE HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?!" But what I like about Dylan grabbing a job so quickly in this is that you aren't afraid to sort of joke at that troupe by including the line "well, that was easy." Plus, I think it's essential in concluding the pilot because it launches us straight into what the show is about, and gives us an idea of what future episodes will involve, you know? So I appreciated it. I would say if anything does have to get cut down, leave that scene in because it really does cap off the episode, in my opinion, and had me really begging for the second episode.

Hmm. So now i'm really confused. Lol. I'm such an indecisive person as it is so the fact that people have a different opinion on it has me torn. Because I do agree with what your saying about the ending capping off the episode. In my head that has always been the ending of the pilot because it launches us into the greater story. But I do also agree with the guys that it could be too much too soon and like I mentioned to, Chris, i would have loved to do awkward interview scenes. It might even come down to me combining the first 2 episodes and make it a long pilot. 

But I think for now I'll just fire through the edit, read it over and just do whatever comes natural to the story.

Lastly, everyone's introductions were set-up rather well and I think you do extremely well in solidifying your core characters, and establishing their role within Dylan's universe. I really just wanted to come in here and say that you did a superb job with your central character, and the supporting characters each got given their own little distinct qualities that have me interested to watch their development too. There were SPAG errors, as some have pointed out, but I'm assuming this is just a first draft anyway and you can always go and edit them during the pitching process (which is great). So, yeah. I'm excited for this project, I'm really wanting a second episode, and I'm backing your corner, man.

Yeah, sorry about the SPAG errors. Lol. I told myself I wasn't sleeping until I had the pilot done.

Thanks again, man. I really appreciate your comments and support. I'm more than happy with the feedback I've been given so far and can't wait to give you guys a much more tighter edit.  

[Jay Paterson]

So, I've added more to the story as to why Dylan got expelled. I still don't know if its outrageous enough. I'll let you guys decide when I post the second draft. All I will tell you though is that it involves a donkey sex tape...

[Jay Paterson]

Okay, so this is the second draft of the Dropouts pilot. I've decided to go ahead and remove the ending from the original one as suggested by a few reviews. This is only to give people an idea as to how the pilot would end if that wasn't there. I think after reading the new version that will give people a clearer opinion on what they think is a better way to end the pilot. Being version one, two or even a combination of both, I don't know. The new version includes updated dialogue, and extended scenes involving the dean as well as extended party footage. 

SECOND DRAFT (15 pages): (LINK) 

and just incase anyone would like to compare it to the first version:

FIRST DRAFT (12 pages): (LINK)

[Jay Paterson]

May 30, 2015 1:34:05 GMT -6 Jay Paterson said:

Okay, so this is the second draft of the Dropouts pilot. I've decided to go ahead and remove the ending from the original one as suggested by a few reviews. This is only to give people an idea as to how the pilot would end if that wasn't there. I think after reading the new version that will give people a clearer opinion on what they think is a better way to end the pilot. Being version one, two or even a combination of both, I don't know. The new version includes updated dialogue, and extended scenes involving the dean as well as extended party footage. 

SECOND DRAFT (15 pages): (LINK) 

and just incase anyone would like to compare it to the first version:

FIRST DRAFT (12 pages): (LINK)

I don't know if anyones had the chance to read the second draft yet but I was wondering if it would help to upload the second episode? Its almost complete so I could upload it sometime soon If you think it would help.

[Brady Brown]

Jun 2, 2015 21:12:30 GMT -6 Jay Paterson said:

I don't know if anyones had the chance to read the second draft yet but I was wondering if it would help to upload the second episode? Its almost complete so I could upload it sometime soon If you think it would help.

Definitely wouldn't hurt to upload the second episode, but it's completely up to you dude!

[Brian Melanson]

AHHH New Draft! I'll read it later on Jay! And yeah,uploading the second episode never hurts.

[Brian Melanson]

Okay Jay! I read the new Draft

Much stronger this time! It really flowed nicely, from the rise of Dylan to his major fall. I think the outrageous photoshop jobs seems very funny and more of a good reason for him to lose his scholarship and leave school. And it's also nice that you changed the ending around so that you just had him coming home and being with his parents and stuff. It's great that you had that one singular story and that the next episode will be him job hunting. The one problem I think with the script, isn't the story at all, it's just length. I think typically Webisode Scripts are 10-13 pages. I think some cuts could help like the dinner scene possibly? But that's my opinion. But seeing as how this is the Pilot, it could overall benefit being longer, but at the same time, cuts could also benefit and make the episode stronger.

But you really have a great idea here Jay, I'm going to put my bid in for this show to be picked up. But I would continue writing more episodes because that is what I did with "101" and it really helps because then you could be ready for airing after doing promotions and stuff like that. Keep up the great work! I hope to see this on theVPN's Dramedy Line-Up!

[Brady Brown]

Okay, so I read the second draft, Jay! I do have to say though, I think I prefer the first draft more.

I think the reason for Dylan getting his scholarship revoked still needs work. It just seemed very overtop and silly. I think having him actually drop out would be an easy way to fix this, or actually have a dramatic reason as to why the Dean would need to reason to do something as drastic as take away his scholarship, because that's a pretty big deal. Also, I think the dinner scene was really unnecessary. I think if you were to move the voiceover to the dinner scene, or scrap it all together, it would have flowed a lot smoother. Finally, the bus scene was really confusing, with Riff not being able to pick him up, but then his neighbor was there, and so were his parents. Just didn't read very well.

But yeah, I still really enjoy the concept, and I think if you can just strength the reasoning for the scholarship being revoked, and cutting the diner and dinner scenes, then this will be a really solid pilot.

[R.A. Picking]

I'm totally behind this and will definitely be checking out the pilot episode.

[Darrin McCann]

I really liked the Pilot. There were a few bits that pulled me out of the story but they're nothing major. One of the only scene in the Pilot that stuck out like a sore thumb, for me, was the interaction between Dylan and Patty in the kitchen. Her choice of words and overall dialogue just seemed out of character compared to previous scenes. It just seemed too forceful and to me she doesn't really come off as a forceful person. It was really just the 'You're sure as hell it does.' If there was a way of bubbly-ing it up I think it would flow a bit better. Also, Dylan's last VO when he talks about life being funny I think you should talk more about being in college not applying to college because that way its more related to his current situation. Again these are just suggestions, take it for what it is. I've read both the first draft and the second and although I did enjoy the second draft, I also enjoyed the first. Dealers choice, really. Unlike some of the other reviews above I disagree that the voicemail wouldn't be enough. Some people in life, specifically humor-stunted adults, take their lives and their jobs WAY too seriously and if this Dean was one of those people it's realistic to think that he could, in fact, kick Dylan out of college for a simple voicemail. I've known, shall we say, older adults who feel that if you're not serious about whatever you should be serious about then you're basically a waste of space. So to me a voicemail seemed reasonable. But that's not to say I didn't enjoy the Photoshop aspect of it. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed the Pilot. I thought it was really funny and the comedy was well timed. You got some real caricatures that have the ability to be memorable, like Urkle was to Family Matters, Joey to Blossom, and Sheldon to Big Bang. I think it's a great introduction to the series and I can't wait for more!