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Post by Jamison on Nov 9, 2015 22:49:42 GMT -6
Gave the updated script a read. Overall, I think it works much better as a webisode pilot. It was quick and it set up the main character and his story well. Getting rid of those scenes of Dylan going home, talking to his old crush, meeting the parents, etc... helped a lot in terms of pacing and structure. Saving that for the second episode, which I would love to read, was a smart move. There were some SPAG issues in the script, but nothing a quick edit can't fix. I'm all here for this updated pilot and would love to see where this series goes  Good job! |
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Jay Paterson
 
Episode 4 - "There's Something About Leila" - Out Now
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Post by Jay Paterson on Mar 4, 2016 1:01:16 GMT -6
 EPISODES1x01 | F My Life. (LINK)Its Spring Break and straight-laced, Dylan and old friend Riff decided to hit the strip of Miami Beach. Sun, sea, girls and alcohol await these bright eyed youngsters. But when one prank and drunk dial ends a booze fuelled weekend, Dylan is left in a bit of a predicament and his scholarship at his dream college is now in jeopardy. Don Cheadle guest stars.
1x02 | X's and O's (LINK)WELCOME HOME DYLAN. After running into his childhood crush Dylan is desperate to get out of his slump. It comes to Dylan's realisation he's in the real world now, and in the real people have a job. So he begins searching, with help from Riff. But it doesn't seem to go as smoothly as he hoped. I've uploaded the second episode. Its pretty much follows the same story as the original but fleshed out more. Beware this is a first draft and I wrote this very late so there will be a lot of SPAG issues. These two episodes go back to back to make the première, so if you have a couple of minutes please give them a read and let me know your thoughts. |
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Post by Jack Malone on Mar 4, 2016 6:37:55 GMT -6
I've just read the first episode again. Honestly, I've been wanting this show to be picked up for a while now. Your writing is really good, and I love the use of voice overs in this and your main character gives off a more bitter Veronica Mars type appeal that has me really interested in the character and his journey. You also managed to create two really clear, distinct voices between these two main characters who share a friendship but are very different people. The way that first episode ends is perfect, and I feel like it sets up the show nicely so I'm confused why the second episode is intended to be a 'part two' for the premiere. I'll definitely give it a read and post some thoughts, but on the first episode alone, I hope this joins theVPN's lineup |
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Post by R.A. Picking on Mar 4, 2016 8:12:43 GMT -6
I will be checking these out over the weekend - I don't think I read these yet and this was a show that I wanted to come |
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Post by The Doctor on Mar 4, 2016 12:25:30 GMT -6
Jay, I have to say Excellent work my dude I will be reading these when I get home from work. And I hope you get picked up soon enough  |
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Post by Jon Van Pelt on Mar 5, 2016 1:42:34 GMT -6
Just finished reading. Your dialogue has this natural vibe making the characters really come to life. Great first 2 episodes! Good luck with your show . |
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Jay Paterson
Episode 4 - "There's Something About Leila" - Out Now
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Post by Jay Paterson on Mar 6, 2016 23:25:03 GMT -6
I've just read the first episode again. Honestly, I've been wanting this show to be picked up for a while now. Your writing is really good, and I love the use of voice overs in this and your main character gives off a more bitter Veronica Mars type appeal that has me really interested in the character and his journey. You also managed to create two really clear, distinct voices between these two main characters who share a friendship but are very different people. The way that first episode ends is perfect, and I feel like it sets up the show nicely so I'm confused why the second episode is intended to be a 'part two' for the premiere. I'll definitely give it a read and post some thoughts, but on the first episode alone, I hope this joins theVPN's lineup Thanks for the kind words, Jack. I'm glad the voice over went down well with this, I know sometimes people hate them, but I feel like there was so much I wanted to fit into this short website it really helped push things forward. I haven't used any voice overs in episode two but I'm currently redrafting and changing this episode a bit so stylistically would the voice over be something you would want from Dylan each episode? There is definitely potential to place some in there throughout episode two. I'm glad both Dylan and Riff are coming across as this way. One of my worries was all my characters sounding the same. The two part première was basically because the original pilot I posted in the pitch was a combination of these two episodes. The feedback I got back from the first draft was mostly positive but a few people said the ending felt tacked on so that's why I just thought I'd split it down the middle, flesh it out a little and upload it as a two parter. I always thought of the second draft of the first episode as a prologue but if you feel like it stands alone, I'd be more than happy to make this the première episode. Thanks again, Jack. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on episode two. I will be checking these out over the weekend - I don't think I read these yet and this was a show that I wanted to come Thanks. I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Jay, I have to say Excellent work my dude I will be reading these when I get home from work. And I hope you get picked up soon enough Thanks for the support, Karl. Can't wait to read your thoughts. Just finished reading. Your dialogue has this natural vibe making the characters really come to life. Great first 2 episodes! Good luck with your show . Thanks for taking the time to read these. Wow, I'm happy you think the dialogue comes across that way, its something I'd thought I would struggle with to be honest. I really appreciate it, thank you. |
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Post by R.A. Picking on Mar 7, 2016 15:11:00 GMT -6
Bravo! Hopefully this is going to be picked up in the near future and you're not just playing around with the idea. I've seen shows come and go and aren't really considering the possibility. Lol. I know it's going to take time to create but I must say that I really like the show and the potential (a word I don't like, lol) and you could take it in whatever direction and would make an awesome show.
Episode 101 and 102 were both interesting and kept my attention and I love webisodes first and foremost because it doesn't take me long to get caught up.
The characters are also enjoyable and you make them interesting, wanting to know more about them. I almost see the friendship between Riff and Dylan as the kind of 'I'll do anything for you' - but a girl is going to get in the way. Again, the possibilities are endless.
Well, I'm excited to see whether or not Dylan figures out his future.
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Post by Alex Matthews on Mar 9, 2016 11:27:14 GMT -6
Just popping in to add my proverbial 2 cents to this pitch:
I read the original pilot when it was first pitch, and really enjoyed it and the whole premise of the show, and feel it would be a good addition to our more comical shows like "Audition" and "Screenwriter's Paradise".
I'm not a big fan of Jason Alexander, personally, but Kathy Najimy more then makes up for that! One thing I like about the show (and VS shows in general) is when I don't recognise any of the casting choices, so I am then introduced to these new actors!
I've just downloaded the new pilot and following episode and will hopefuully read them soon (I'm currently rereading the whole the "D.S.R." virtual spin off of "Alias"! Highly recommended!!) and will give some proper feedback soon!!
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Jay Paterson
Episode 4 - "There's Something About Leila" - Out Now
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Post by Jay Paterson on Mar 15, 2016 18:01:18 GMT -6
Bravo! Hopefully this is going to be picked up in the near future and you're not just playing around with the idea. I've seen shows come and go and aren't really considering the possibility. Lol. I know it's going to take time to create but I must say that I really like the show and the potential (a word I don't like, lol) and you could take it in whatever direction and would make an awesome show. Episode 101 and 102 were both interesting and kept my attention and I love webisodes first and foremost because it doesn't take me long to get caught up. The characters are also enjoyable and you make them interesting, wanting to know more about them. I almost see the friendship between Riff and Dylan as the kind of 'I'll do anything for you' - but a girl is going to get in the way. Again, the possibilities are endless. Well, I'm excited to see whether or not Dylan figures out his future. Its definitely a show, that if picked up, I plan on having around for a few sequences. I know what you mean about shows coming and going but with this being a webisode I'm finding it a lot easier to write for unlike the other shows I've pitched. Thank you. I'm currently changing a few things around in the but the story is still pretty much the same so I'm glad you liked it. Yeah, I'm pretty excited about the possibilities for these characters, I have a lot of ideas for them and I'm looking forward to seeing where I can take it. Thanks again for reading this and taking the time to post some of your thoughts. I really appreciate it. Just popping in to add my proverbial 2 cents to this pitch: I read the original pilot when it was first pitch, and really enjoyed it and the whole premise of the show, and feel it would be a good addition to our more comical shows like "Audition" and "Screenwriter's Paradise". I'm not a big fan of Jason Alexander, personally, but Kathy Najimy more then makes up for that! One thing I like about the show (and VS shows in general) is when I don't recognise any of the casting choices, so I am then introduced to these new actors! I've just downloaded the new pilot and following episode and will hopefuully read them soon (I'm currently rereading the whole the "D.S.R." virtual spin off of "Alias"! Highly recommended!!) and will give some proper feedback soon!! Thanks for taking the time, Alex. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the new pilot and second episodes. I'm currently making a few slight changes to the second episode so I might have an updated version by the time you get to it. Yeah, I'm the same when it comes to VS casting. I enjoy discovering new talented actors. |
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Jay Paterson
Episode 4 - "There's Something About Leila" - Out Now
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Post by Jay Paterson on Mar 17, 2016 18:16:34 GMT -6
Just a little update on episode two "X's and O's."
I'm currently writing the second draft and I've made quite a few changes already, especially with the dialogue. I felt like it was all to one the nose and straight to the point to make the store move quicker. For whoever's read it already, you'll know what I'm talking about.
For our main character, Dylan meeting his childhood crush for the first time in years it went a little too smoothly and he came across too confident which is not at all like the dorky character like I set him up to be. So I've changed it up, and made the introduction a bit of a train wreck and hard to watch, which is they I think it should go down. Also its pretty fun to write.
The reason I'm posting this is mainly for anyone who has read the second episode. Just know I'm not entirely happy with that, its mostly just a copy and pasting with a few new scenes added in to tape it all together, which I wrote so long after the original pilot. Now going back and re-reading all my notes, I feel like I finally made sense of my characters again so hopefully this will show in my updated version. I got great feedback from the first episode; that my characters had their unique and individual voices so I really want that to show in the second episode which I'm not sure it did in the first draft.
Anyway, I'm rambling now. I'm going back to write some more.
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Post by Darrin McCann on Mar 21, 2016 19:52:40 GMT -6
** REVIEW ** 1.01 - F My Life
I definitely like the idea of the Photoshop images and Craiglist Ad as the reason for Dylan getting the boot from the Dean. Out of all the incarnations of reasons he was kicked out this one seems very believable. You've taken an act of stupidity and turned it into a personal vendetta against Dylan. I can't help but to think that if it were another teacher on Campus that Dylan had done this to, that his punishment wouldn't be as severe as it is with the prank being on the Dean. So, I absolutely love it.
One of the reason I fell in love with the original Pilot was because of the characters, and although it's gone through a couple changes, it still rings true in this Pilot. It's always interesting to see two characters who are best friends and who could not be more different in their sober state. They challenge each other which makes for good chemistry among friends. One of my favorite scenes or I should say set of scenes is the Miami trip. Why it is my favorite section is because I pictured it so clearly, like watching it on TV, and it was super hilarious. The whole 'I'm in Miami, B...' and the face plant followed by the 'Yeahhh!' had me in stitches.
My only critique, if I was going to have one, would be showing the phone-call and message left for the Dean without giving any inkling of the Photoshop/Craigslist Ad idea brewing, because it almost comes off like two different ideas you had for him being kicked out of Columbia and you just couldn't decide on which. Even putting in a simple 'I know a way to emphasis my point' or something along the lines that more ideas on how to get back at the Dean and the faculty was brewing in drunk Dylan's brain would help connect those dots, I feel. There were some SPAG errors, but nothing that a good once over couldn't fix.
All-in-all I enjoyed the Pilot episode. I'm going to read the second episode, but I just wanted to say that this episode didn't feel like a two-parter in any way. It felt complete and a great start to the story.
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Jay Paterson
Episode 4 - "There's Something About Leila" - Out Now
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Post by Jay Paterson on Apr 10, 2016 7:09:36 GMT -6
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Post by Brady Brown on Apr 10, 2016 11:41:34 GMT -6
Awesome new draft, Jay. Really, really enjoyed this one, and I think the photoshop/craigslist scandal is the best reasoning for Dylan to get kicked out of his university. Not much else to say except this was an awesome pilot! |
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Jay Paterson
Episode 4 - "There's Something About Leila" - Out Now
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Post by Jay Paterson on Apr 10, 2016 17:07:57 GMT -6
** REVIEW ** 1.01 - F My LifeI definitely like the idea of the Photoshop images and Craiglist Ad as the reason for Dylan getting the boot from the Dean. Out of all the incarnations of reasons he was kicked out this one seems very believable. You've taken an act of stupidity and turned it into a personal vendetta against Dylan. I can't help but to think that if it were another teacher on Campus that Dylan had done this to, that his punishment wouldn't be as severe as it is with the prank being on the Dean. So, I absolutely love it. One of the reason I fell in love with the original Pilot was because of the characters, and although it's gone through a couple changes, it still rings true in this Pilot. It's always interesting to see two characters who are best friends and who could not be more different in their sober state. They challenge each other which makes for good chemistry among friends. One of my favorite scenes or I should say set of scenes is the Miami trip. Why it is my favorite section is because I pictured it so clearly, like watching it on TV, and it was super hilarious. The whole 'I'm in Miami, B...' and the face plant followed by the 'Yeahhh!' had me in stitches. My only critique, if I was going to have one, would be showing the phone-call and message left for the Dean without giving any inkling of the Photoshop/Craigslist Ad idea brewing, because it almost comes off like two different ideas you had for him being kicked out of Columbia and you just couldn't decide on which. Even putting in a simple 'I know a way to emphasis my point' or something along the lines that more ideas on how to get back at the Dean and the faculty was brewing in drunk Dylan's brain would help connect those dots, I feel. There were some SPAG errors, but nothing that a good once over couldn't fix. All-in-all I enjoyed the Pilot episode. I'm going to read the second episode, but I just wanted to say that this episode didn't feel like a two-parter in any way. It felt complete and a great start to the story. Sorry for the late response. I was positive I had already commented on this. Anyway... Thank you so much for taking the time for reading and reviewing this, Darrin. You know I always admire your opinion. I'm glad you think this one worked best. There have been so many versions of this and so many ideas as to why Dylan got kicked out. I just feel like this version could have got a lot of people into trouble which is why such severe action had to be taken. Its safe to say that the Dean really dislikes Dylan after this, I think it would be fun to bring him back at some point. Just for the pure awkward factor. Haha! Maybe if it fits in and comes across realistic. I'm glad you appreciate their differences and how they bounce off one another. Its so true, me and my best friends are all pretty different so it only came natural to write these best friends this way. They both bring something different to the table which makes for a more interesting dynamic. LOL - those scenes were so much fun to write and I'm so glad that you got a chuckle out of them. Comedy is so hard, I just hope the following episodes can provoke a few laughs. And if all fails its time to bring the liquor out again. Haha. I actually agree with you on that one. There was a scene in one of my earlier drafts where I linked these ideas after the phone call. I just felt like for comedic timing it flowed better coming from the scene with the dean at the dinner table back to present time. But I'll for sure go back over it and see what I can do to link it all together. I'm already planning an additional scene or two for the premier, if picked up, so its not the exact same as the pitch. Thanks again, Darrin. It means a lot that you found the time to share your thoughts |
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Good job!
