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Post by R.A. Picking on Mar 18, 2016 9:28:50 GMT -6
101 'Breaking In' ReviewI think there's something to be said about opening scenes and how they should draw an audience in and either be this huge projection of what the series will be about (example: Buffy the Vampire Slayer subverting the fear of the woman being in danger to show that she is, in fact, the danger) or just some big moment to lure us in immediately (example: Smallville throwing an entire meteor shower onto the town and wiping people out). To start the series with a discussion on available women, treating "gay" as if it's something you need to quickly defend if someone so much as hints you could be of that sexuality... It did feel like a bit of a misguided beginning and slightly out of place. I think there's definite humour in "Are you sure it’s the ladies you’re looking for?" and have Cody shrug or chuckle or whatever while Dane exits the scene as opposed to giving us a very robotic "I'm not gay" response. You'll hopefully have a full sequence to show us what this character's sexuality is, to show us more of his identity and so I don't think you have to keep that line to either be funny or to defend it as "character building." For example, when I talked to Brian about his 101 Ways to Survive High School, he had two characters that had a lot of chemistry on the page but he was adamant about having scenes where they're like "This is X and they're like a brother to me," "Oh no, they're just my friend, we're practically siblings," etc and regardless of whether or not they would grow out of that and be more, or remain friends, and remain in whatever dynamic they were, it's better to have the audience come to learn about their dynamic and identify it rather than spelling things out for people in such an "I'm telling you what is what" kind of way. So that's definitely something I think you could look into editing if you feel like doing another draft. From then on out, however, the pilot was really really good. I particularly enjoyed the suspense of it all. I truly felt that with each new line of action, things were growing more and more tense and that's a reflection of you and how well you write. Things were very much amping up as Cody was discovered, and he was on the run from the trackers, and I almost forgot that he wasn't the main character in this situation when Justin aka Bionic showed up and saved the day. Part of me was a little unsure how I felt about the pilot focusing so much on Cody instead of Justin, but I think when you look at it as a whole you'll see that the first half was about establishing the hero and the last half was about establishing the big bad in Deacon. Speaking of Deacon, that last scene was also really well done. I think you set him up to be quite a powerful figure, and a very strict one at that who has his own code, you know? I liked - in a twisted kind of way - that he wanted to punish Billy and it felt more like there was no questioning about it or talking his way out of it. In talking about the future, I'd really like to see another draft with this one just polished up. You don't have to take any criticisms on board that you feel go against what you're trying to say or do but there were just some formatting problems with action written as dialogue and things of that nature that could use some cleaning up. Other than that, I think the webisode format is very appealing to me as a reader and I'd love to see TheVPN have more. Bionic could be a great addition to the lineup, so I wish you all the luck with it and I genuinely enjoyed this first episode! Thanks for the review Jack and I totally understand and appreciate everything that you said. I think it's always good to get good and bad reviews because it sometimes makes you want to be a better writer - but sometimes it causes you think hard and long about what you think you're doing. I'm going to take a look at that scene again and try to come up with something different that would work seamlessly with everything else that is going on. The technical errors with formatting and such - I was hoping that I caught everything last night as I was having to reformat the script because of technical difficulties with a program that I was using. That's not an excuse - and those errors will be corrected. I can honestly say that hat is off to my beta reader who will get credit on each script if the show is picked up. Thank You!! I'm glad that you enjoyed the other parts of the script and again some of that enhancing quality was from my beta reader who helped me twist and mix things to make it better. It's like I write the clunky stuff and he makes it smoother and even way better. Thanks again for reading and the revision will be coming. |
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Post by R.A. Picking on Mar 18, 2016 9:22:57 GMT -6
The only thing that didn’t really work for me was the opening scene at BIOTECH. The conversation between Dane/Cody about the sports bar, I didn’t feel it added something interesting to the character of Cody. I know it was just banter between two colleagues, but still, I think this scene could be better. I know you’ve worked very hard on this series, so both thumbs up! Awesome. Thanks for checking it out. I appreciate the feedback and I totally understand. I didn't know either if I liked it so it's possibly something that I will be changing up or doing a different scene there. Thanks again. |
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Post by R.A. Picking on Mar 17, 2016 18:49:27 GMT -6
 PREMISEA year after the tragic incident that destroyed JUSTIN CARTER's (Dylan O'Brien) life, he finds himself dealing with scattered memories of the night in question, among other things. Justin, with the help of his skilled hacker, best friend, CODY BAKER (Logan Lerman) and his team, must bring down Biotech Industries CEO, DEACON BANE (...), whose lust for power overshadows any human decency. Can Justin and the gang foil Deacon's plans or is the world destined to be subjected to another one of Deacon's experiments?CHARACTERS Justin Carter (portrayed by Dylan O'Brien)A brilliant hacker but loner, kept to himself through high school but still had a few good friends including Cody Baker. He left his parents right out of high school and wanted to start his life. He was committed to his girlfriend, Lisa Jacobs since high school and it seemed that nothing could separate them from each other. He started to venture out and using his hacking to read stuff that he probably should've kept away from. On a fateful night, everything with Justin changed forever.  Cody Baker (portrayed by Logan Lerman)Hacker and a go getter - If there's something that you want he can find it and get around whatever obstacle that may be in his way. In high school, he helped classmates to get better grades and made friends and money that way. Cody is Justin's best friend and felt like nothing could separate them - then after Lisa became the most important thing in Justin's life - then Cody felt like a third wheel. Tom Bane (portrayed by Daniel Sharman)Tom is one of the youngest executives at Biotech Industries and trying to work his way to the top. Over the past year, he started a side job after some crazy things happened inside the company. He started up a team of people that did some secret missions to gain more information about their target - which happened to be the very company he worked for. He's a charmer and has been dating his personal assistant but tries to keep under covers (no pun intended). He wants to make sure he keeps up his cover and be able to use his position at the company to find the truth.(Not Represented at this time)Deacon Bane (portrayed by ? ?)Deacon Bane is a dark and stern owner of the Biotech Industries and the almighty dollar and power is the ultimate push for Deacon. He doesn't care who he tramples over to get what he wants or to make sure that no one else out there is going to steal his idea. Some of his darkest dealings have been held in secret and most employees of the company don't know anything about. His own family is intimidated by him not knowing what he would ultimately do to keep himself out of prison. Billy (portrayed by Richard Harmon)Billy is the bad boy wanting to do whatever he wants. He won't let anyone stand in his way and will take what he wants and make it his own even if it means violence and hurting people. Frank Jacobs (portrayed by Jason Beghe)Frank Jacobs is a passionate and loyal employee at Biotech and a leading technician. He is respected and trusted by the owner of the company. After losing his wife in a tragic accident, his focus always remained on his daughter. It was hard for Frank to ever begin a new relationship with anyone even though he tried many times and it soon became evident that it always had to be about making sure his daughter came first. He is very protective and sometimes too much as she got older. Lisa Jacobs (portrayed by Naomi Scott)Lisa Jacobs is Frank's daughter. A beautiful and angelic part of Frank's life and Justin's girlfriend. She loves her father as a daughter should but her love is also focused on Justin, her very one and true love since college. They are hardly apart, and when they are it seems that the world is going to end. Kind of ridiculous to some but their love is what keeps them so close. She sees things that some people don't see and she begins to see things that could change things for good.EPISODES
101 - Breaking In Cody hacks his way into the Biotech servers to retrieve information vital for his mission. Security is tracking down the possible thief.
102 - Broken CodeBack at the bunker, Cody is anxious about finding out if the information downloaded was helpful towards the mission but what they find out is not what they expected.103 - FlashbacksJustin has a blast from his past and him and Cody share a few memories about their past and discuss the mysterious woman in his dreams.
104 - New Player Justin and Cody sneak back into Biotech to complete a mission but Justin has other plans when he gets inside.105 - Black Widow Billy gets a look at the Black Widow project and the potentially sinister plan behind it. Someone on Tom's team is in trouble and putting Tom's mission in trouble.
106 - Betrayal Justin demands to know more about this mysterious girl in his dreams and discovers the reality of his situation, meanwhile someone on the team is in danger.107 (Sequence One Finale) - DarknessTom gets word that someone on his team is in trouble and a new mission begins to rescue this team member before it's too late.
SOUNDTRACK FOR OPENING CREDITS:
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Post by R.A. Picking on Mar 7, 2016 15:11:00 GMT -6
Bravo! Hopefully this is going to be picked up in the near future and you're not just playing around with the idea. I've seen shows come and go and aren't really considering the possibility. Lol. I know it's going to take time to create but I must say that I really like the show and the potential (a word I don't like, lol) and you could take it in whatever direction and would make an awesome show.
Episode 101 and 102 were both interesting and kept my attention and I love webisodes first and foremost because it doesn't take me long to get caught up.
The characters are also enjoyable and you make them interesting, wanting to know more about them. I almost see the friendship between Riff and Dylan as the kind of 'I'll do anything for you' - but a girl is going to get in the way. Again, the possibilities are endless.
Well, I'm excited to see whether or not Dylan figures out his future.
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Post by R.A. Picking on Mar 4, 2016 8:12:43 GMT -6
I will be checking these out over the weekend - I don't think I read these yet and this was a show that I wanted to come  |
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Post by R.A. Picking on Feb 29, 2016 8:56:45 GMT -6
UPDATE:
This is just to update those that may not be following me on Twitter and haven't been following my updates. I've completed the first sequence of the show and I'm currently in the revision process. I'm actually having someone go through the episodes and checking my errors and hopefully making it sound better. Fingers crossed, I hope that the storyline is also good enough to keep peoples interest. I'm possibly going to either do a new PITCH or just let it go off this one because some of the information may have changed.
If you want to follow on Twitter - @abishop7000 or you can visit my blog web site - spydercomicsplus.blogspot.com
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Post by R.A. Picking on Feb 20, 2016 14:48:31 GMT -6
Bionic Sequence One - All episodes are in rough draft and now the Revisions begin - Beginning to outline Sequence Two. A brand new pitch coming soon!
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Bionic
Feb 14, 2016 14:22:49 GMT -6
Post by R.A. Picking on Feb 14, 2016 14:22:49 GMT -6
HELP WANTED. interested in having someone take a look at my episodes as I'm getting them done. They've been rolling out quick. Webisodes mind you. But I want to know if I should pursue releasing them on here or just release them on my own.
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Post by R.A. Picking on Feb 13, 2016 15:25:17 GMT -6
Completed first episode and working on episode two. Follow me on Twitter @abishop7000 for all the updates.
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Post by R.A. Picking on Dec 30, 2015 18:36:08 GMT -6
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Post by R.A. Picking on Dec 27, 2015 21:46:08 GMT -6
I'm back in the studio working on the first sequence of Bionic, and I will be working at having the rough draft of the sequence done by the end of January. I'm taking this story forward with new leaps and bounds.
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Post by R.A. Picking on Dec 27, 2015 17:11:20 GMT -6
Fingers crossed.
You don't have to take this out of the archive. But I'm working on a new sequence one experience. My version. My way. Hope it works because I think this is what I was meant to do. ROFL. Seriously. I'm doing it to just complete it and then go from there.
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Post by R.A. Picking on Nov 13, 2015 8:12:30 GMT -6
FINAL UPDATE:After much consideration I have decided to discontinue my journey in running a VS show. It's not because I don't want to or anything like that but if you have been following me on my Twitter I have decided to focus on one area of writing and that is going to be the comic book stuff. I found this really cool web site where you can host your comics and can release it at your schedule. You can release whatever length and hope for people to read it. I'm not the best artist but I'm going to do my best to accomplish this dream which has always been there. So I thought I would focus on this area instead of pursuing a scripted series and comic book / web comic. My first project is going to be this story of BIONIC. So I'm still going to pursue the story just doing it in a different avenue. You can follow my production blog at - spydercomics.blogspot.com - and follow me on Twitter - www.twitter.com/abishop7000 - I will still be hanging around in here as I need stuff to read and enjoy so I'm not leaving completely. Thanks again for the opportunity.
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Credits
Nov 2, 2015 11:31:01 GMT -6
Post by R.A. Picking on Nov 2, 2015 11:31:01 GMT -6
What is the easiest way to do snatch and grab to get credits for a show. I have a web site where you can post the youtube link and they make it a file that you can load into a movie maker, but I don't know how much I want to do that because of getting infected - plus I don't have a major amount of money to buy high duty software??
Thanks.
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Post by R.A. Picking on Nov 2, 2015 11:28:05 GMT -6
Thanks, I will be implementing something like these. Appreciated.
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Post by R.A. Picking on Oct 29, 2015 14:04:58 GMT -6
How do you do quick shots. Like if different scenes or images flash on the screen that may be in different locations. Do you do 'Scene Headings' and 'Action shots' for each image explaining what you're seeing? Or do you just do a list of images or shots that you're seeing.
I'm hoping this is clear - If not I can clarify.
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Post by R.A. Picking on Oct 27, 2015 21:15:04 GMT -6
I'm getting ready to completely redevelop the Bionic series. Changing characters and making the story even more tighter. The new development has me setting a goal for sequence one done by thanksgiving weekend. Opening with a violent incident leading to a mystery of zombie like soldiers and a sinister organization that wants to take over the world. Anticipate BIONIC.
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Bionic
Oct 23, 2015 14:04:37 GMT -6
Post by R.A. Picking on Oct 23, 2015 14:04:37 GMT -6
Updated once again.
I should have the new pilot episode complete this weekend. And will be sending it to the higher ups this weekend. If this version doesn't work or for some reason I don't get it done I will probably calling it quits - LOL - We'll see what happens.
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