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Post by MJ on Aug 15, 2010 4:51:31 GMT -6
So that's why you've been somewhat absent as of late!  Well, I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Hopefully by the 19th I'll have a little more info up for you to read too  Thanks Brain I'm updating it whenever I get the chance, hopefully you'll like the new information as it goes up too. |
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Post by MJ on Aug 12, 2010 7:49:23 GMT -6
 SynopsisFor as long as he could remember David only had one dream in life, a dream shared by many other teenagers like him, and that was to fit in. It seemed that no matter what David did he would always end up being labelled a looser or a freak. The few friends he managed to make in his life didn’t last very long. Hell, even his family thought he was weird. Then one day his father was offered a new job that required the family to up and move far from their old home and David couldn’t have been happier. In the new town of Branshire with new people he could start over, but just because he had a new home didn’t mean he’d left his problems behind. In fact, all seven of his problems followed him, bickering and carrying on the whole way. Lyle, Soren, Ruth, Gregory, Gwen, Elle and Peter, seven people apparently only David could see and the cause of all his life’s complications. They may have been running his life for years now but David decides that it’s now or never if he wants to get that life back, only the Sins aren’t going to give it up that easily. From the creator of Edge of Vision comes the quirky new series Welcome to the Snake Pit. Welcome to the Snake Pit follows the story of David Chase, a teenager burdened with not only the regular troubles of life but also the advice of seven quite crazy personalities. Nicknamed ‘The Sins’, these seven people make David’s life hell as he tries to make his family believe he’s not insane, convince his fellow classmates he’s not a freak and keep the few friends he actually manages to make. And you thought being a normal teenager was hard. Main Cast Anton Yelchin
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David ChaseDavid wants nothing more than to be accepted in life but conversations with imaginary people and mood swings brought on by The Sins advice leave him rather low on the social ladder. His somewhat geeky appearance doesn't help that much either. Even with the continuing trouble caused by The Sins he's trying to look on the bright side. He's living in a place where people no longer give him strange glances as he walks down the street and he's made two new friends who don't seem bothered by his weird behaviour. Now he's just hoping his good luck holds out.  Scout Taylor-Compton
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Emily WestEmily is an energetic and quirky girl who is more than happy to accept David as a new friend after he moves to Branshire. She can be a little overbearing at times but has a heart of gold. She was given the name 'Queen of the Freaks' by her fellow students at Branshire High School (because of her tendency to take new and not so popular students under her wing) but hasn't let it get to her. If anything, it made her even more determined to forge her own way through high school life, often dragging her oddball friends along with her.  Tristan Wilds
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Lewis JenkinsLewis is what the 'in' crowd like to call a geek and, on occasion, loser. His love of science and maths and his amazing talent with computers proves that he's a smart kid but put him in a social situation and he doesn't know what to do. Early in his school years he became friends with Emily, who easily saw the person behind the social awkwardness, and has been close friends with her ever since. When David moves into the house next door he recognises the signs of someone who doesn't quite 'fit in' and makes himself another close friend, even if he is a bit weirder than Lewis originally thought. Supporting/Recurring Cast Jason Dohring
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Lyle (Lust)Lyle appears to be the leader of The Sins and is by far the most cunning. He has a tendency to butt heads with Ruth regularly but the other sins are more than happy to follow his lead. He demands the most attention and his personality is heavily influenced by the vice of lust.  Jackson Rathbone
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Soren (Sloth)Soren, unlike the other Sins, doesn't deliberately try to influence David's life. This would have been fine except that Soren's mere presence can drag David into an unproductive mood. Soren is happy to stay out of the way of the other sins and doesn't have much to say when they are around. Soren's personality is influenced by the vice of Sloth.  Gina Mantegna
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Ruth (Wrath)Ruth is another of the dominant Sins with a hot head and a tendency for aggressive behaviour. Despite this she does appear to genuinely want to help David stand up for himself against bullies, problem is she never hangs around long enough to see her 'help' through. Ruth's personality is influenced by the vice of wrath.  Alimi Ballard
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Gregory (Gluttony)Gregory is one of the more laid-back Sins but this doesn't make him any easier for David to deal with. He enjoys a lavish lifestyle and likes to convince David to indulge whenever he can. Gregory is also has a taste for fine food and loves to critique almost every meal David eats, even if it's simply a sandwich. Gregory's personality is influenced by the vice of Gluttony.  Kirsten Vangsness
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Gwen (Greed)Gwen is happiest when she gets the things that she wants, the problem is that she wants everything. She is similar in nature to Gregory except much louder and a lot more eccentric. She encourages David to strive to achieve wealth and power but is never quite satisfied. She will often buddy up with Gregory because of their similar nature. Gwen's personality is influenced by the vice of Greed.  AnnaSophia Robb
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Elle (Envy)Elle is another of the slyer Sins and encourages jealously and envy in David. She enjoys reminding him that he is the one who usually deserves what others get and enjoys chattering away in his ear at inconvenient times. Elle's personality is influenced by the vice of Envy.  Matthew Bomer
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Peter (Pride)Peter is, quite simply, a pompous ass. He is a little self obsessed and loves to give advice to David on anything and everything. He likes to attribute David's triumphs to himself and is constantly bugging David to tell other people about these achievements. Peter's personality is influenced by the vice of Pride.  Scott Adsit
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Cameron Chase Paget Brewster
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Lori Chase Episode Guide1x01 - BranshireA new town and a new start, it's all David (Anton Yelchin) could have hoped for but nothing in his life is ever that easy. Moving house is stressful enough, moving with seven disembodied personalities tagging along is proving to be pure hell. One good thing to come out of moving day is meeting his neighbour, Lewis (Tristan Wilds), and Lewis' best friend Emily (Scout Taylor-Compton). Things are looking up for David but whether they'll stay that way is a different matter all together. 1x02 - Open SeasonIt was the day he was dreading but after a week of living in Branshire David (Anton Yelchin) has to face his first day at Branshire High School. Though Lewis (Tristan Wilds) and Emily (Scout Taylor-Compton) assure him everything will be fine David soon finds himself facing the schools biggest bully thanks to Ruth's (Gina Mantegna) interference. So much for an uneventful first day... 1x03 - Pretty BoyWhen Nathan Baker, the so called 'hottest' and most popular guy in school, returns from his overseas holiday back to Branshire High, Elle (AnnaSophia Robb) decides it's time for David (Anton Yelchin) to let his inner green-eyed monster loose. Elle goes to extremes to get David to climb the social ladder and achieve the popularity she wants him to have. 1x04 - ExtracurricularBranshire High prides itself on the large number of clubs and extracurricular activities it offers and to ensure maximum participation the school rules call for each student to be involved in at least one of these activities. David (Anton Yelchin) finds himself spoiled for choice when club recruitment week rolls around but will he be able to find an activity that appeases all The Sins? 1x05 - Social Studies1x06 - Getting to Know YouWhen Lewis's (Tristan Wilds) parents decide to host a dinner at their house for David (Anton Yelchin) and Emily's (Scout Taylor-Compton) families it seems like a wonderful idea. David knows better than to believe things will all run smoothly and tries desperately to stay on top of The Sin's antics lest the parents of his only two friends ban their children from ever seeing him again. 1x07 - ProcrastinationWith David (Anton Yelchin) stressing about a number of important assessment pieces due at school Soren (Jackson Rathbone) decides David needs to learn how to relax. Feeling less and less motivated each day, will David be able to convince Soren that the time for relaxing is after important tests and not before? 1x08 - ?????1x09 - HylophobiaA P.E class excursion to Branshire Nation Park is the kind of easy day that everyone looks forward too but when David (Anton Yelchin) finds out that there is a scavenger hunt as part of the activities Peter (Matthew Bomer) is willing to try everything to make sure David's team wins. A couple of bad shortcuts leaves David, Lewis (Tristan Wilds), Emily (Scout Taylor-Compton) and some other less favourable classmates very much behind the other teams, and not to mention completely lost. 1x10 - Winter Dance1x11 - ?????1x12 - Doctors and InkblotsDavid's (Anton Yelchin) unusual behaviour hasn't gone unnoticed at school and when Branshire High's counselor calls his parents with her concerns they decide a therapist is the way to go. David now has to prove not only to his therapist but also himself that he is not insane. |
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Post by MJ on Aug 10, 2010 3:13:06 GMT -6
This sounds good... but to be completely honest, I'm kind of getting tired of the whole "Demon-hunter" thing that so many/too many Virtual Series feature ever since "Buffy" and "Supernatural". It's getting kind of overused. But the pitch is still very good and I hope you'll manage to turn it into a different direction and make it different. I kind of have to agree with this. You've created a great pitch and some good characters but you don't really have anything that 'shines', so to speak, in the general plot. At the moment it's kind of just a mash up of a number of already existing tv shows but without something unique that stands out in the overall storyline I don't know how well it'll do. So my advice: mix the plot up a little and find something totally unique to center the plot on, then people won't be focused on the things about it that are similar to other shows, instead they'll be captured by what makes it unique |
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Post by MJ on Aug 9, 2010 18:02:57 GMT -6
Exclusive:
A two part premiere Though an official date for the season premiere is still under wraps it had been confirmed that the two part season opener will occur over two weeks instead of as a two hour special as was originally rumoured. When asked about the decision creator and producer M.J had this to say: "The two part season opener could have been run back to back I think creatively it works better as two single episodes. Though the end of episode one builds up to some action and leaves us with a cliffhanger, episode two does not actually continue on from where episode one ended. Instead you'll find episode two slows the action right back down and then builds towards the confrontation you were expecting in episode one but are going to get at the end of episode two." |
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Post by MJ on Aug 8, 2010 22:03:37 GMT -6
I seriously can't wrap my head around how some of you manage to work on multiple virtual series. I've only got one and I'm finding it hard enough as it is to find time to write episodes for it, let alone for another couple of shows on top of that! Having said that though, I have LOTS of undeveloped ideas stashed away in a folder in my room that I would really love to turn into virtual series....  |
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Post by MJ on Aug 8, 2010 17:43:16 GMT -6
Wow, had no idea that I'd written so much XD Sorry for all the reading you'll have to do Brian |
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Post by MJ on Aug 8, 2010 17:39:45 GMT -6
I figured I should still probably review your episodes even though I am editing them. Seeing as when I edit I focus on the spelling/grammar/presentation kind of things my reviews are going to focus on the story and the things I though you did well verses the things I though were done a little poorly. Alright, let's start with episode 3, 'The Story Of Us'. I'm going to skip the teaser because most of that it re-done in the later acts. Instead I'm going to start with act 1 which is Mellie's story. I liked the meeting between Mellie and Chris though there were some parts where I thought the dialogue didn't sit exactly right with me. Some of the lines came off as rather cheesy and (even though I have a feeling they were supposed to) it just kinda made it really awkward for me to read. That could just be my personal tastes though so don't take that to much to heart. I like how you have the overlap at the end of the scene with Jenny's voice. I though that was a fantastic way to transition the scenes. I think I've told you already but I love the 'rocking the baby bump' line The dinner between Mellie and Chris was also done pretty well. Sure it was kinda full of clichés but they weren't glaringly obvious and suited the feel of that date so that was all good. On to act 2 which is Henry's story. The first scene was okay. i was kind of a little thrown off as to who Quinn was at first but thankfully the dialogue made that clear not to far in. The scene with Jenny at the store was pretty good, nothing in there that I thought was poorly done. The scene with Holly kind of bugged me a little. Not so much because of it's content but because Henry and Holly just seem to suddenly be hanging out without much of a reason. I think this scene would have been better if somewhere earlier it was mentioned that maybe Henry had been working to help Holly with her problems for a couple of weeks or something similar, just so we get a feel that this is something that regularly happens and Holly really opening up has been quite a long time coming. Okay, act 3, Harlen's story. I'm not going to focus on Jenny just yet because she comes into it later but I didn't really like the first scene, which I will explain in act 4. I like the scene between Harlen and Jewel. I actually kinda like how Jewel came across, even though we've heard nothing but bad things about her for the entire episode. Now, the scene with Brad. This I really didn't like all that much. I think the fact that Brad comes to see Harlen in his office and pretty much admits to hitting Jenny with a car is just not really plausible, especially since Harlen doesn't seem to do anything about it, like calling the police with this information. If I were to do this confrontation I would have had it happen out in the streets where Brad could have just walked up to Harlen, told him about what he did and then slipped away in to a crowd. I just don't buy the fact that Harlen would let him into his personal space and then just let him walk out again after saying the things he did. Okay, act 4, Jenny's story. I don't really like the way Jenny treats her mum, it makes her come across as really bitchy. She seems to have a real problem with her Grandma which in my opinion is pretty unfounded. Even when she does confront her Grandma later, Jewel doesn't seem that bad so this vendetta Jenny seems to have against her just makes Jenny look like petty person. That's something you need to be careful of. If you want your main character to hate someone that audience kind of has to hate that person too, otherwise you're main character becomes a little less likeable in the eyes of your audience. That is unless their hate of that person is supposed to be a character vice, then you can have the audience like the 'hated' person. Also, I don't like how Jenny treats her doctor when he asks about her drinking. I can understand that maybe she just didn't want to be reminded about it but the slamming of the door made her comments appear rather nasty and like she was really annoyed at her doctor for simply inquiring as to her well being. In the scene between Jenny and her mum I really love her mum's line "You got a second chance, why can't you give her one?". A low blow, maybe, but I think it really hammers the point home. I helps to bring us back to the idea of second chances which is a running theme of the show and I thought that was a fantastic piece of dialogue. Alright, moving on to the whole thing about her dad. I just found all these references really random and a little odd. I assume her father is going to come into the story at some point and therefore all these references are foreshadowing. If we're looking at these references to her father as foreshadowing I'm sorry to say that it's pretty poorly executed. Foreshadowing is supposed to be subtle and not really become obvious until much later where the event the foreshadowing was for has come to pass. You kind of want to create that "oh my gosh! Remember that thing in this episode? Who would have guessed it was related to this event in this later episode!" feel to it. If it wasn't foreshadowing then forgive my spiel XD Also, where Jenny suddenly opens up to Henry about her father? The timing for that was really off. There really hadn't been any mention of her father or fathers in general that could have set her off on that train of thinking and it seemed really forced, as if she was simply saying it to make something known to the reader. The scene between Jenny and Jewel at the apartment really made Jenny look like a bitch. I don't think her Grandma really said anything that wasn't true and Jenny kicking her out seemed really harsh. If that was what you were going for then well done but if it wasn't that's something you may need to keep in mind when writing future episodes. The voiceovers at the end were pretty good and my only criticism would be that I think they would have been much better if they were all done by Jenny, rather than the rest of the characters. Overall a pretty decent episode. I would give it a 7/10 P.S. Excuse any spelling mistakes, I was typing pretty fast when I wrote this. |
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Post by MJ on Aug 7, 2010 6:58:22 GMT -6
 Katie Cassidy |
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Post by MJ on Aug 4, 2010 22:21:21 GMT -6
I wish I didn't have to write up a lab report for my biology class. It's so dull -_-
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Post by MJ on Aug 4, 2010 20:11:17 GMT -6
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Post by MJ on Jul 29, 2010 4:39:13 GMT -6
I love the 'interviews' with the cast. They're my favourite kind of spoilers Also, SEPTEMBER?!? Are you trying to kill me with suspense, Jack? Because that's what you're doing. I hope you're happy with yourself. Just kidding But really, I can't wait till Watchtower is back. I'm looking forward to the second half of the season |
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Post by MJ on Jul 28, 2010 17:16:41 GMT -6
I guess I might as well join in 1. M. J. Calder is my pen name but I have never used the nickname MJ in outside of internet circles. Also, for those of you wondering, the M and J stand for my first and middle names respectively: Melanie Jane. 2. Though I'm not a big fan of romance novels, tv shows, movies, etc. I'm a closet romantic when it comes to real life. 3. I'm currently undertaking a double degree at university (Bachelor of Science/Bachelor of Secondary Education) so that I can become a teacher. 4. I hate sports but actually have really good hand-eye coordination so whenever I'm forced to play a sport people are always really surprised to find out I don't completely suck. 5. I have a tattoo. 6. I'm arachnophobic. I'm fine around reptiles, bugs and every other creepy thing but I can't handle spiders. 7. I collect dragon statues. I have over 50 in my room now. 8. I've been writing creatively since I was about 9. I'm mostly self taught as my school never did much in the way of creative writing. 9. I don't drink alcohol, never have and don't plan to in the future, which is kind of weird in Australia because almost all teenagers like to drink. 10. I love to dress up in costumes. My friends and I are always having costume parties or attending costumed events. In fact, I've included a picture of me dressed up for Melbourne's 2010 Zombie Shuffle (I'm the one in the green dress )  |
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Post by MJ on Jul 23, 2010 21:38:33 GMT -6
Official Episode Description:
1.04 Fun Fair  Title: Fun Fair Tagline: SOME OVERZEALOUS DECORATING OF THE LOCAL CARNIVALS GHOST TRAIN POINTS TO DEMON ACTIVITY Description: When the heads of several missing people show up in the ghost train ride of Barton's bayside carnival, Tori (Deschanel) and Shayne (Szmanda) are sent to investigate. This Demon is going to pull out all the stops to make sure this carnival trip is one the detectives wont be forgetting any time soon. Air Date: TBA Main Cast: Zooey Deschanel, Eric Szmanda, Paget Brewster, Isla Fisher and John Francis Daley. Guest Star(s): Dylan Bruno as Jason Jones Writer(s): M.J. Calder |
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Post by MJ on Jul 23, 2010 21:34:41 GMT -6
Official Episode Description:
1.03 Troubled Waters  Title: Troubled Waters Tagline: TENSION IS HIGH AS THE NEW PARTNERS STRUGGLE TO WORK TOGETHER Description: Tori (Deschanel) and Shayne (Szmanda) are close to breaking point as their personalities clash. They've already been threatened with a suspension by Special Agent Fields (Brewster) if they can't get their act together, but when it comes down to a life or death situation are the pair going to be able to put their differences aside or will their determination to hate each other be their downfall? Air Date: TBA Main Cast: Zooey Deschanel, Eric Szmanda, Paget Brewster, Isla Fisher, John Francis Daley, Michael Chiklis. Guest Star(s): None. Writer(s): M. J. Calder |
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Post by MJ on Jul 23, 2010 21:26:55 GMT -6
Official Episode Description:
1.02 Out of Sight Part 2  Title: Out of Sight Part 2 Tagline: THERE'S A NEW FACE IN TOWN Description: With Lloyd (Chiklis) out of action, Special Agent Nora Fields (Brewster) partners Tori (Deschanel) up with the new transfer, Detective Shayne Grey (Szmanda). While still trying to identify their mystery serial killer (Blue), Tori's going to find out that this game of cat and mouse they're playing is only just beginning. Air Date: 20th July 2011 Main Cast: Zooey Deschanel, Eric Szmanda, Paget Brewster, Isla Fisher, John Fancis Daley, Michael Chiklis and Callum Blue. Guest Star(s): None Writer(s): M.J. Calder |
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Post by MJ on Jul 22, 2010 20:22:10 GMT -6
So my 8am psych lecture this morning was literally boring me to death I decided to read the latest episode of 'The Path Not taken', 'Temptation'. Okay, once again a really loved the idea behind this episode. That Jenny comes across another girl heading down the same dark path that she once took turns out to be a very enlightening experience for her and it would have been a fantastic episode if the execution of the idea wasn't so poorly done (sorry!). Like I mentioned there were wonderful ideas and themes in this but I found myself really cringing through a lot of the script for a number of reasons. Firstly I'm going to bring up grammar and general writing technique. You could improve your script marginally by finding a proofreader. There are so many grammar mistakes and typos that i'm itching to take out a red pen and go all grammar nazi on it I'm really not trying to be nasty here, I do, surprisingly, have your best interests at heart. Now, I'm not sure if the problem is that you're missing these things when you go over the script or if you simply don't know the difference between words like 'your' and 'you're' or 'were' and 'we're' but it's something that really needs to be addressed. My other major issue with your script is more of an execution issue. There were a lot of scenes in this episode that I found myself very hard pressed to find believable. I know it is a drama and of course some suspension of disbelief is required when reading/watching any creative work but in this case I had a lot of trouble. Some of the situations I found so forced or cliché that it really took me out of the flow of the episode. I remember at one point you had Henry telling Jenny that she was just trying to distract herself with Holly and then in another scene he's completely changed his tune and is saying that she now needs to help this girl. There were also other times in the script that I thought didn't come across the way I'm sure you intended them too. This includes the scene when Holly wakes up with her boyfriend and he lets her know just how much he loves her. That whole scene sort of screamed 'over the top soap opera' and I'm sure you intended it to be a little more heartfelt than that. Also the scene where Jenny admits to Mellie that she used to be just like Holly. I felt like that came out of nowhere and I just really didn't get much emotion out of it, though I'm sure it was supposed to be a rather emotional scene. I'm going to have to five this episode a 5.5/10. For me it just really missed the mark and I found it hard to overlook all the technical errors in the script. On another note: I'm once again going to reiterate that you have some wonderful ideas Brian and so much potential, it's just a matter of time a practice until you can work out these little kinks in your writing. I'm also going to offer my services as a proofreader. I'll be happy to go over your work before it is aired here, on The VPN, and point out any errors and ways I would go about fixing them before you put it out there for the world to see. You don't have to take me up on this offer, it's just a suggestion I'm making, but I'm sure if you took me up on the offer I'll be able to help you a lot with you technique |
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Post by MJ on Jul 20, 2010 20:17:07 GMT -6
Thank you Keisha Characters are a huge deal for me when it comes to writing. You can have the greatest plot idea in the world but if the characters aren't good it won't end up as something people really love, at least that's my opinion! Yes, hopefully there will be a bit of humour. With the darker overtones of the main story (not so much in this season but in later seasons) you really need the humour and quirkiness of some characters to balance it out. You've got characters like Lloyd, Tori, Shayne and Nora who are all pretty seasoned law enforcement officers and with that comes a dark kind of humour and then you've got Cassie and Adam who are kind of removed from the law enforcement side of things and there's something really refreshing about their attitudes. Oh my, I seem to have gone on quite a bit about the characters there XD There's a note for everyone, I love talking about this series so if you want to find out more feel free to ask away! Make sure if they're questions pertaining to what will happen during the first season you do it over on the spoilers board, I don't want to ruin the mystery for people who want to be surprised |
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Post by MJ on Jul 20, 2010 16:49:31 GMT -6
I read "Shock" the other night and since I'm at Uni with half an hour to kill untill my lecture starts I figured now would be a good time to review it One of the characters I loved in this episode was Amanda Waller. My gosh, she just oozes evil in every scene she appears in. You write her character fantastically and even though she is the villain I can't wait to see more of her in upcoming episodes XD Cynthia is still rather 'bleh' for me. Don't care for her much at the moment and by the end of the episode I just wanted to slap her for being so easily manipulated. Okay, maybe I'm being a bit harsh as it was a well executed plan to get to Cynthia on Wallers part but still... I liked the main storyline of this episode, with the chips and the metahumans forced to do things that don't want. I thought that was a great scene between Lana and Hawkins when she found out that there was nothing she could do but he was happy to just be out of checkmates grasp. I liked Quentin's character in this episode too. I don't know why but he's just a very appealing character that you can't help but like. I think it's nice when you can have your readers become really involved with the characters, whether it be because they really like them or really hate them. It makes them all that more realistic in our minds. Wrapping up my review I'm going to give this episode a 7.5/10. I don't think that episode was so much bad, more that I just preferred the pilot episode a little more than this one. Anyway, good job with this episode, looking forward to reading the others when I get the chance |
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Well, I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Hopefully by the 19th I'll have a little more info up for you to read too 
