Ms. Kerry
VPN Community Member
Fight the good fight, Tony, I hate nap time too.
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Post by Ms. Kerry on Aug 16, 2011 10:46:00 GMT -6
Review for EoV -Out of Sight Part 2
Sorry that this took so long! I have been getting packed up to go to university and saying goodbye to friends and such. I finally had the time to sit down and read the second part of the episode.
I like how you handled the flash backs to cover the time we missed between the two episodes by just showing bits and pieces of what happened leaving us wondering until close to the end of the episode.
I liked the relationships developing between the characters in this episode. I am not sure was I was expecting between Tori and Shayne but what I read what not what I expected. In this case it is a good thing! I like how it is tense and you get some fun banter back and forth between them. I also liked the subtle exchanged between Adam and Shayne because it is obvious that Adam is not exactly comfortable at first with Tori's new partner. Again I ADORED Cassie with all of her random pet names for people "Chinchilla" is currently my favorite. I was also thrown about the sad development with Llyod being paralyzed. That will be interesting in the future when he comes back to work and I really want to see how that turns out.
My man issue was that the ending conflict seemed a little rushed/forced. I liked how the demon was at the hospital looking for her, but how Tori found out seemed a bit too forced. I would think that if a doctor was found dead it would be a bigger issue than just a nurse telling her awhile later. It was explained some by being on a different floor, but it still didn't entirely sit right with me.
All in All I was VERY entertained by this episode and though it had a few issues I still loved it. 9/10
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Post by MJ on Aug 17, 2011 21:07:32 GMT -6
I liked the relationships developing between the characters in this episode. I am not sure was I was expecting between Tori and Shayne but what I read what not what I expected. In this case it is a good thing! I like how it is tense and you get some fun banter back and forth between them. Well, I'm glad that it surprised you, even more glad that you enjoyed it! Tori and Shayne are very interesting to write together and it'll be interesting seeing how everyone responds to their developing partnership of the next few episodes. Again I ADORED Cassie with all of her random pet names for people "Chinchilla" is currently my favourite. I've said it before but I'll say it again just because, Cassie is one of my favourite characters to write for! Thinking up her dialogue is so much fun, especially the nicknames, and it's great to see people enjoying her character. I was also thrown about the sad development with Llyod being paralyzed. That will be interesting in the future when he comes back to work and I really want to see how that turns out. The whole 'Lloyd getting paralysed' was something that was originally never going to happen as Lloyd was supposed to die in that warehouse in my original plan of the season. Luckily for Lloyd, as my planning continued, I found that I had a plot that would benefit from his character still being around but I still didn't want to take away the impact that the first confrontation with our mystery Demon had. Therefore the idea of Lloyd becoming paralysed arose, and you will actually find out how that will effect him somewhat in the next episode. My man issue was that the ending conflict seemed a little rushed/forced. I liked how the demon was at the hospital looking for her, but how Tori found out seemed a bit too forced. I would think that if a doctor was found dead it would be a bigger issue than just a nurse telling her awhile later. It was explained some by being on a different floor, but it still didn't entirely sit right with me. That could have been a bit of a fault on my part in that I didn't entirely make it clear how that who last scene went down but I'll do my best to explain how it works in my head for clarification. Not that I'm getting pissy and all 'you're-obviously-just-reading-it-wrong-because-it-makes-perfect-sense-to-me', I just want to figure out where exactly I went wrong so I can improve on scenes like that next time  So Tori essentially left work at lunch and decided to take up the rest of the sick leave she was supposed to take (because she's too stubborn not to come back to work before she should). That's how Victoria ends up at the hospital and Shayne still at work. I think it's safe to assume that the Demon was either following her or hanging around in the hospital because he knew she was likely to show up there (in my head it's the latter but there's leeway for people to think what they want) and then decided to follow her in. While Tori is talking to an asleep Lloyd the Demon does his best to get in the hospital without being noticed or alerting people but gets caught out by a doctor in an area he shouldn't be and panics, killing the doctor, somewhere on the ground floor. The Demon then shoved the body in a crude hiding spot and continued on his merry way. A few minutes later the body is found by a hospital worker who also happens to be a sensitive and she calls the DCIU directly. From there it pretty much follows the script and explains why Tori finds out only when Shayne/Adam call her. In retrospect I guess I could have included this in the script but I felt it was more of a surprise if readers found out the same time our cast did that Tori was possibly in trouble  Hope that helps to explain things some, if you could get back to me on what parts you thought I should have included rather than leaving them out of the script that would be great! Like I said, helps me improve and all  All in All I was VERY entertained by this episode and though it had a few issues I still loved it. 9/10 Thank you so much for the review! |
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Connor J. J
VPN Community Member
Poor Ryan, your life is so bad. Having to to decide: where should I buy coffee for the crap shack?
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Post by Connor J. J on Aug 22, 2011 7:04:10 GMT -6
I have just read Out of Sight, Part 1 and let me say I AM HOOKED! My favourite character so far is Cassie!
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Post by wynter on Sept 6, 2011 3:57:57 GMT -6
It's official. I'm hooked! I love Tori and I actually covered my mouth to hold in an "Oh no!!" when Lloyd was shot.
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Post by MJ on Sept 9, 2011 18:46:39 GMT -6
I have just read Out of Sight, Part 1 and let me say I AM HOOKED! My favourite character so far is Cassie! Thank you! Though I love all my characters Cassie is definitely one of my favourites to write so I'm glad you're loving her character so much. It's official. I'm hooked! I love Tori and I actually covered my mouth to hold in an "Oh no!!" when Lloyd was shot. Hooray for more EoV fans! Thanks so much for reading and I'm glad you're enjoying it so much Also, apologies to both you you for taking so long to reply. Usually I'm on top of all things EoV related but this semester of Uni is leaving me very little time to stay updated on the VPN. Hence the third episode of EoV being put on hold XD |
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Ms. Kerry
VPN Community Member
Fight the good fight, Tony, I hate nap time too.
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Post by Ms. Kerry on Sept 9, 2011 19:16:41 GMT -6
No worries! I'm having to work to get everything done here too so I understand.
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Post by Jack Malone on Sept 19, 2011 10:31:48 GMT -6
I have the holidays coming up -- I'll have time to read the next episode, and review it! I'm playing catch up on all the episodes I've missed of the VPN shows, hopefully, this weekend, when I can finally relax and kick back. xD
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Post by Jamison on Sept 21, 2011 17:30:16 GMT -6
Review/Thoughts: "Out of Sight," Part OneOkay MJ, I know I gave you my thoughts way back when the show was picked up, but I thought I'd re-read it and give it a more in depth review now. I'm going to review as I read so, I'll analyze each act, and then give you my overall thoughts on the episode, as a whole. Here we go: TEASERVery nice teaser. I loved that it began on such a high note; the Murder. Very great way to start the show, because it got right into the action. From the beginning, we have our conflict, making it easier to know what kind of show we're reading. As the show goes on, we meet a few members of the DCIU team, with Victoria, Nora, Lloyd and Cassie. I enjoyed the first conversation between Tori and Nora. Initially, I got the sense that Nora was this "non-understanding" boss, but as they talked more, we find out they have both a work and out-of-work relationship and I liked how you played that. And then, the show takes a turn as Tori and Lloyd get to the crime scene. I loved the transition from "cop show," to "Supernatural-esque Cop Show." Very subtle and not "forced" at all. Very well done. ACT ONEThe show is developing quite well, already. I like the styling of the show. The investigations truly feel as natural and real as if I was watching something like, "Criminal Minds," or "Bones." I remember when you pitched the show, I wondered if it would read well, given the fact that it was set in this genre. Me, being someone how has never read a "Cop drama," in script form, I didn't quite know what to expect. But I can tell you that I was truly impressed with your ability to portray the right attitude with your characters, as well as your descriptions, which are quite amazing. Getting back to the story, I like the idea of the Fracture Line. It's so great to see that you're developing your own terms, demons and mythology. Original is always better. I'm really looking forward to reading more about the demonic/paranormal aspects of the show. Anyways, I hope this review doesn't seem all over the place Now, we meet Adam. Who I automatically think is gonna be a cool character because I like "Sweets" from Bones. He came across a bit... mysterious in a way. I may be reading into things but he seems to be hiding something, if not, feel free to call me an idiot Anyways, the story is moving along quite smoothly. I'm loving it. ACT TWOThe act seemed a bit short for some reason, but it didn't detract from the story. We got a bit more from Cassie. I like her. Even though she works with dead people, she's seems as lively and vibrant as they come. Interesting, quirky personality too. Oh, and "Chookie?" I wonder if there's a story behind that nickname? I like your characterizations of your characters. They all have their own voices, and personalities and that comes off so clearly, even though it's only the first episode. That's a great sign that you know exactly what you're doing. Also, the mystery of the show is handled in such an elegant way. I love the climax of act two, and if he didn't have Victoria's attention before... there's no doubt he has it now! I love these messages, so ominous. ACT THREENora is officially a HBIC. I know she was in charge all this time but, she showed everyone who's boss in the opening scene. I don't think it was what she said, but how her words sounded in my mind. I really like her character, and her relationship with Tori. Definitely a high point for me in this episode, so far Also, I feel the need to point out my favorite line so far; VICTORIA
Are you coming?
LLOYD
I need to discuss something with
Special Agent Fields first.
VICTORIA
(beat)
Is it about me? Simple line, that made a big impact on me for some reason. Love Tori! And as a matter of fact, before that line, I questioned whether or not Zooey Deschanel fit the role. But, I've completely changed my tune Oh my god, I'm afraid. Lloyd has just said, "That girl's going to be the death of me one day." I hope that wasn't insight on something you're planning somewhere down the line. If you do plan on killing him, kudos to your foreshadowing awesome-ness. Well look here, another character has joined my list of favorites. And yes, that character is Cassie Brewer. Her scenes with Tori down in the morgue were just hysterical! That scene really brought her character around full circle and I finally saw her true appeal as a character. She's amazing and I just thought I'd point that out Also, I'm truly starting to believe that Adam is either really shy, or a homosexual! jks jks He's really nervous around woman, either way. HAHAHA I really like his character, he's one of my favorites so far, and again, I find myself having to commend you for whole diverse your characters are. You've got a great sense for every one of them. ACT FOUR & ACT FIVEAs our two detectives investigate the warehouses, with Adam in communications with them, I got a very "classic" vibe! I loved them going back and forth over the mic, and that whole scene was really well written. Something is about to go down, and it feels like we're about to get a huge confrontation between Tori and this mysterious killer. We see them with their guns for the first time, which is really symbolic in my opinion. I love how many tones the show is portraying so far. We got loads of "cop show" tones, a nice bit of mysterious, some great comedy elements, mostly between Tori and her interactions with almost everyone And we haven't got an overdose of the paranormal elements as of yet, but I like that fact because it doesn't seem like "too much, too soon." Getting back into the story, as the episode comes to an end. I'm a HUGE fan of a good cliffhanger, and I loved the abrupt ending, quite a lot! XD It's getting me excited for part two, which I will read/review sometime before this week is over! OVERALL THOUGHTS:Perfect episode, more importantly, perfect pilot. It introduced some amazing characters and relationships, set up a brilliant universe while creating its own original vibe from the way you wrote these characters in this universe. I'm a fan, and I think this is one of the best pilots I've ever read, for sure. After reading it again, I still give the episode a perfect 10 out of 10. I couldn't find anything wrong with it, aside from like... 2 spelling/grammar mistakes. But seriously, as many as I write in my scripts I can't take off points for something like that Thanks MJ, for sharing this series with us! It's an amazing story and I can't wait for the show to continue, because I think it's going places! XD Oh, and about this review -- again, I'm really sorry if it's all over the place, and too long. I'll probably write a normal review next time
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Post by MJ on Sept 22, 2011 4:42:23 GMT -6
Review reply: Chris "Out of Sight Part 1" I enjoyed the first conversation between Tori and Nora. Initially, I got the sense that Nora was this "non-understanding" boss, but as they talked more, we find out they have both a work and out-of-work relationship and I liked how you played that. I'm glad that you liked the relationship. It's an interesting one to write and one that's very telling of Nora's personality I believe. She tries to be the impartial boss so her bosses can't call her out on anything but you know that she's going to let some things slide because she really does care for everyone working for her, not just Tori who she knows personality. The show is developing quite well, already. I like the styling of the show. The investigations truly feel as natural and real as if I was watching something like, "Criminal Minds," or "Bones." As I've said in previous replies to reviews, this kind of comment is one that I really appreciate. I'm no expert in the way of crime fighting, not even close, so to be able to write a series which is a crime show and have people comment on the realism/how natural it comes across it a huge complement Getting back to the story, I like the idea of the Fracture Line. It's so great to see that you're developing your own terms, demons and mythology. Original is always better. I'm really looking forward to reading more about the demonic/paranormal aspects of the show. Yes, the supernatural elements to it will unravel slowly over the first season and though they'll be there it won't be until the second season (if I get one! ) that we really delve into the Edge of Vision supernatural world. There are some interesting tidbits to come later in season one though so you can look forward to that Anyways, I hope this review doesn't seem all over the place It's perfectly fine! Don't worry Now, we meet Adam. Who I automatically think is gonna be a cool character because I like "Sweets" from Bones. He came across a bit... mysterious in a way. I may be reading into things but he seems to be hiding something, if not, feel free to call me an idiot Haha, I'm a huge Sweets fan (which did influence my casting a little XD )! As for Adam hiding something, I don't think there's really any big secrets he's keeping besides a small crush on Tori Oh, and "Chookie?" I wonder if there's a story behind that nickname? Cassie likes nicknames, especially animal nicknames. I don't know if there's a story behind her nicknaming tendency but her current monikers stand as follows: Tori- 'Chicken', 'Chookie', or 'Chook' Adam- 'Possum' Nora- 'Mama Bear' Shayne (appearing as of next episode)- 'Chinchilla' Also, I feel the need to point out my favorite line so far; VICTORIA
Are you coming?
LLOYD
I need to discuss something with
Special Agent Fields first.
VICTORIA
(beat)
Is it about me? Simple line, that made a big impact on me for some reason. Love Tori! And as a matter of fact, before that line, I questioned whether or not Zooey Deschanel fit the role. But, I've completely changed my tune Hahaha, yeah, casting Tori took a while for me to figure out but I believe Zooey could be an actress who could pull off the role well. I know she's usually typecast as a quirky/funny sort of character but I've seen her play some fantastic 'serious' roles, so to speak, and she can pull off that dead-pan humour that Tori has too Oh my god, I'm afraid. Lloyd has just said, "That girl's going to be the death of me one day." I hope that wasn't insight on something you're planning somewhere down the line. If you do plan on killing him, kudos to your foreshadowing awesome-ness. .... No comment Well look here, another character has joined my list of favorites. And yes, that character is Cassie Brewer. Her scenes with Tori down in the morgue were just hysterical! That scene really brought her character around full circle and I finally saw her true appeal as a character. She's amazing and I just thought I'd point that out Thank you! Also, I'm truly starting to believe that Adam is either really shy, or a homosexual! jks jks He's really nervous around woman, either way. Adam is just a rather nervous/shy guy. He's still fairly new at the DCIU in the grand scheme of things and only just coming out of his shell too. That and I don't think he knows how to deal with Cassie when she's being extra crazy XD As our two detectives investigate the warehouses, with Adam in communications with them, I got a very "classic" vibe! I loved them going back and forth over the mic, and that whole scene was really well written. The back and fourth between Tori/Lloyd and Adam was something I introduced on one of the last edits of the episode, it originally wasn't there. I felt it helped to heighten the tension and kind of opened up the story for one of my favourite pieces of action in episode two, but I won't say too much on that But yeah, I'm glad it paid off and you enjoyed it! Getting back into the story, as the episode comes to an end. I'm a HUGE fan of a good cliffhanger, and I loved the abrupt ending, quite a lot! XD It's getting me excited for part two, which I will read/review sometime before this week is over! Glad you liked the ending and I can't wait to hear your comments on episode two! Perfect episode, more importantly, perfect pilot. It introduced some amazing characters and relationships, set up a brilliant universe while creating its own original vibe from the way you wrote these characters in this universe. I'm a fan, and I think this is one of the best pilots I've ever read, for sure. After reading it again, I still give the episode a perfect 10 out of 10. Thank you so much
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Amin
VPN Community Member
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Post by Amin on Sept 22, 2011 15:25:50 GMT -6
I'm so, so sorry for not having read the first two episodes yet, despite saying I'd read the show. I promise to get to that ASAP.
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Post by MJ on Sept 22, 2011 15:59:43 GMT -6
I'm so, so sorry for not having read the first two episodes yet, despite saying I'd read the show. I promise to get to that ASAP. That's okay. I know people get busy so feel free to read EoV whenever you get the time |
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louise
New Member
People are like Slinkies... Basically useless yet so amusing to watch fall down stairs
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Post by louise on Sept 25, 2011 23:02:06 GMT -6
Hey MJ, Just saying I know you're busy with uni and all but the sooner you finish season 1 the sooner you get to read horrible fanfiction |
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Post by MJ on Oct 3, 2011 17:17:23 GMT -6
And the sooner we get to find out if you can actually write fiction |
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louise
New Member
People are like Slinkies... Basically useless yet so amusing to watch fall down stairs
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Post by louise on Oct 3, 2011 20:24:44 GMT -6
Why'd you think I described it as horrible? Besides you can edit it for me for a change |
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Post by dave on Nov 25, 2011 5:27:48 GMT -6
Just read the first episode and thought it was brilliant. loved the characters, especially Cassie. Certainly would love to see more of her in future.
EDIT: and I couldn't help but read the second part either. Excellent! love the new partnership. the dialogue is excellent, plenty of wit and confrontation. Brilliant.
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Post by MJ on Nov 25, 2011 19:03:17 GMT -6
Thank you, Dave, I'm beyond glad to hear that you enjoyed both parts Cassie does seem to be a bit of a fan favourite and there is a Cassie centric episode coming up in the first half of the season (and plenty more of her during the other episodes) so you can look forward to that! Oh, and welcome to the VPN |
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Post by stevieg on Mar 2, 2012 8:28:06 GMT -6
Okay, just read the first 2 part opening pilot. I have to say, judging from the summary of the show I was intrigued by the whole concept of the show. Something different and unique. Now, although I'm new here please don't judge me too much on what I say as still learning a bit myself and improving all the time and don't mean to give negative feedback on things too much. Onto the episodes, and both moved along at a good pace. The cliffhanger at the end of episode one was perfectly balanced to want the readers wanting to know what happened next. As said by others, I feel the 2nd part ending could have been better - maybe ending on the hospital than back at the office. The characters are certainly interesting. Tori is a gifted detective, who unfortunately doesn't seem to use her gift until the end of the 2nd episode I believe. An intrroduction in the first may have been better. Grey is a cocky young detective. He's going to be an interesting partner for Tori, and the possible confrontations between the two could lead to many a squable over time. Nora Fields is the boss, but at times she feels a little laid back. I think with the way her team work, she should have come across more active and demanding/threatening of the team. Making them scared of her, instead of the arm around the officers approach that seems to be taken with her. The impression I always got with Bosses is that they are there to push the others below them harder than they want to. Like others, Cassie is probably the shining star of the episodes so far. She has a unique way of labelling the team around her with 'funny names' that help identify them in her own way. She has a fondness to protect Tori from what I can gather also, and has a bond there between them already. Adam is a geek, yet for me doesn't come across as much at this time. I think he needs more developing in his character of what he does and how he does it to show him and how good he is at his job. From the opening episodes, their seems to be some 'caring/loving' feeling towards Tori from him, unless I'm mistaken. Lloyd was a good start to introduce Tori's world to us, before his removal of position allowed her new partner to come into effect. Be interesting to see what you do with him now that his role as a Detective has been taken from him virtually - I could honestly see this character having major issues with being stuck behind a desk job and turning to drink or something as he feels and looks like a man who just has to be out on the street working than behind a desk. The scripts were good, and the action nice to read. I did think that it was a little 'bulky' at times and could have been broken up a little more in action slugs than 4-5 lines at a time. The dialogue did at times feel a little awkward, and long at times. One thing I have been told by someone, is to try and make the dialogue a bit more snappy and to the point. At times I felt a line or two may have worked just as well as 4-5 lines of dialogue. Overall, I do believe this concept of show has huge potential and ideas that could drive it into several seasons of storylines. The hospital scene at end of episode 2 had a feel that their is a bigger mystery between the 'Demon Killer' and Tori than we know, which can be evolved over the season with more information in bits and pieces. Certainly looking forward to reading more of the show as it's released and be interesting to see where you take the characters and the storyline. Hope my comments are of some help as I say, this show is unique and does have something going for it in the long run. |
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Post by MJ on Mar 2, 2012 19:20:51 GMT -6
Okay, just read the first 2 part opening pilot. I have to say, judging from the summary of the show I was intrigued by the whole concept of the show. Something different and unique. Now, although I'm new here please don't judge me too much on what I say as still learning a bit myself and improving all the time and don't mean to give negative feedback on things too much. First up, thank you for taking the time to read Edge of Vision, it always means a lot to me when people take the time out of their days to read my work Secondly, don't worry about negative feedback or offending me, I'm a tough girl, I can take it Seriously, majority of the most helpful comments I get from reviews come from constructive criticism so as long as you aren't saying things to be deliberately mean (which I'm sure you're not) then everything is cool with me ^^ Anyway, onto responding to your review. Just a heads up, I found some of your observations on the characters rather interesting as in a couple of case they're not really the impressions I wanted people to get from the characters. Because of that I'm probably going to go off on a tangent explaining why things perhaps came across the way they did. And I'm not getting all angry/defensive, I swear, I just like to elaborate on my reasoning for having things that way for not only the reviewer but myself also Ah, now the choice of being vague about Tori's abilities is very deliberate. When planning EoV I decided I wanted everything in their world to be pretty much established. Sensitives, like Tori, are quite accepted by the public in EoV and it isn't something that people are going to make a big deal about. Hence, I didn't make a big deal about it in the script. Her abilities are supposed to be a bit mysterious, a bit unknown, not only to the reader but also Tori herself. Also, her abilities are more of a passive skill which she currently doesn't have much, if any, control over. I will deal with her abilities more as the season progresses and you will get a better understanding of them later on, but as of this point in the series it was a deliberate action to introduce her abilities like this Nora Fields isn't someone who is going to get what she wants out of her workers by being a scary demanding boss, instead she relies on mutual respect. She isn't your stereotypical boss, and I never wanted her to be. Nora worked her way up to the position she is in now, she know what it's like to be stuck in a bullpen working hard and having an ass of a boss breathing down your neck the whole time and that's not the way she wants to run the DCIU. Not to mention there is a definite conflict of interest as far as Tori is concerned since Nora and Tori's families are close friends, so of course Nora is going to be more lenient on her, if if she tries not to be XD I'm not writing a 'typical boss' character here, I'm writing a person who happens to be in charge of these people. Yes, when she needs to be, Nora can be the scary boss, but she also respects those working for her and in turn they respect her. You're spot on there! Tori and Cassie have been friends for quite a few years now and I think it shows with how they interact and look out for each other Again, I'm not trying to write stereotypes for EoV. Adam is good with computers, always has been. He studied technology and excelled, and was hence offered some pretty cool jobs. I wouldn't necessarily call him a 'geek' though, he's just very technology savvy. You'll get to see a bit more of Adam in future episodes though, and he'll be getting a bit more development then. There is also an episode in the second half of the season that is rather Adam centric and you'll get to see where he comes from and why he is the way he is pretty much You are not mistaken, Adam is actually crushing a little on Tori at the moment XD I'm impressed, you've got a very good read on Lloyd! Yes, he is going to have a little trouble adjusting to being stuck behind a desk. You see a bit of it in episode three but it's not something that I'm going to focus on too heavily. As for turning to drink or something similar, I can say I don't really see that happening for him for two reasons. One: Lloyd is a tough guy. He's had his fair share of tragedies in his life and this is going to be hard on him but it won't break him because: Two: He has a fantastic support base. He has Tori, who still looks up to him and now will be looking out for him, and also Nora, who will be making sure he won't feel completely useless when/if he does come back to work. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review. Yes, your comments gave me a lot of things to mull over and I'll definitely be taking some of your suggestions into consideration. I'm glad you enjoyed it and I hope you'll enjoy the future episodes too |
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